THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘Hanson Anderson’

Famous blogger critically injured by falling Anvil

Posted by oldancestor on May 17, 2011

 
Hanson Anderson, prior to his disfiguring accident

By Lacy Thundercake

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA – Blogger and part-time unabomber Hanson Anderson of Weird Dude Blog was seriously injured at his cabin in the Australian Alps yesterday when an anvil fell on his head, flattening him. Police are treating the incident as a hate crime.

“Pretty much everybody hates the guy,” said Sydney police commissioner Fred “Crocodile” Gordon. “I’d have done it myself, mate, but I’m the police and then I’d have all kinds of paperwork.”

Anderson has gained notoriety in recent years by targeting beloved media outlets like People’s Republic of Korea’s Dear Leader Television for Democratic Workers’ Unity in North Korea and others with scathing diatribes that resemble the rantings of a 16th century goat molester with undiagnosed demonic possession. He has also been arrested several times for prancing topless in public fountains while shouting, “Dead dogs don’t die!” according to police reports from several countries in eastern Europe.

Investigators have yet to determine where the anvil that struck Anderson fell from, but police aren’t ruling out a political motive for the attack.

“An anvil is a strange choice of weapon to attack somebody,” says Commissioner Gordon. “Someone was trying to send a message. We just don’t know what it is as yet.”

Some experts believe it may be the work of Antonio Banderas.

“You have to be tall and handsome to pull something like that off,” says Sir Edmund Bollocks, a professor at Oxford University and expert on pasty-white weirdoes being injured by heavy objects.

Anderson is said to be recuperating at an undisclosed hospital in Sydney, under police protection. Officers have been instructed to prevent Antonio Banderas from entering the room, just in case.

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Editorial note: Anvil editor Old Ancestor is traveling “on business” at an undisclosed location and will delete your unread emails upon his return. Thank you to Qantas airlines for allowing a 700-pound, anvil-shaped carry on bag.

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BAM!

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 29 Comments »

Bin Laden family suing Donald Trump

Posted by oldancestor on May 8, 2011

 
The unhappy customer

By Eric J Baker

ISLAMABAD – Donald Trump, real estate magnate and possible candidate for the Republican presidential nomination in 2012, is being sued by Osama Bin Laden’s relatives for breach of contract, according to court papers filed today in Islamabad, Pakistan. Bin Laden was recently killed while living at a secret lair built by Trump’s company, Luxury Lairs, Inc.

In a statement released to the press, lawyers for Bin Laden’s family said, “Mr. Bin Laden was led to believe it was a secret lair, yet it was neither hidden inside a mountain nor disguised as a half-sunken ship or a huge magical mushroom. It was an ugly white building that any passerby could plainly see. That fact cost Mr. Bin Laden his life.”  

The Bin Ladens’ lawyers also claim the lair came with a 15-year “no infiltration” money-back guarantee – which is standard in the secret lair industry – and are seeking punitive damages.

Long considered to be world’s number one terrorist, Trump denies having promised anyone it was secret lair.

“It’s a compound,” Trump told The Anvil via telephone today. “I told them it was a compound. These people are clearly ignorant jerks who don’t know what a compound looks like. They’re stupid, ignorant people.”

Trump also said, “Show me where the words, ‘secret lair’ appear in the contract. I’m waiting.”

When told of Trump’s comments, Bin Laden’s niece, Trixie Bin Laden, said, “It’s not even a compound. It’s, like, a building. Compounds have control rooms in the basement with giant screens and computers. If this place was a compound, then CVS is a compound and so is Taco Bell.”

To get a better understanding of the legal distinction between a compound and a secret lair, we spoke with Sir Edmund Bollocks, a professor at Oxford University and expert on legal distinctions.

“Technically speaking, a secret lair must be inhabited by someone evil,” says Bollocks. “A compound merely has to have a security fence.”

But how does one decide who is evil?

Bollocks explains, “Osama Bin Laden is a jolly good example, don’t you think?”

A copy of Bin Laden’s bill of sale obtained by The Anvil seems to support Trump’s assertion. The words “secret lair” do not appear anywhere in the contract, though neither does the phrase Narcissistic Personality Disorder, despite the compound’s assets including five 20-foot-tall bronze statues of Trump as well as 18 oil paintings bearing his likeness.

The controversy over the Bin Laden family’s lawsuit is only the latest scandal to hit Trump. Just last week, it was pointed out that he is beginning to resemble your 66-year-old Aunt Gerta from Lancaster, Pennsylvania, who has never had sexual intercourse and makes her own hand-cranked sausage.

      

When asked how Trump’s business ties to Osama Bin Laden may affect his chances of being elected president in 2012, Sir Edmund Bollocks, who is also an expert on pitiful candidate pools, said, “How do one’s chances dip below the zero-percent threshold at which they already resided?”

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Dearest Anvil readers, this message will change your life: Be sure to check out my latest post for Pure Film Creative, in which I put the topic of shirtless, gay male models to rest for good! There’s also some lovely philosophical stuff and, at no extra charge, a repulsive horse head. Only at PFC!

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Today’s image supplied by Hanson Anderson at Weird Dude Blog 

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Posted in Business | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 35 Comments »

Easter Bunny’s secret life revealed: sex, drugs, fleas

Posted by oldancestor on April 21, 2011

A rare photo of Easter Bunny's alleged life partner, Heat Miser, at their home in Wonderland

By Lennie

Warning: This story contains three really long sentences, right in the beginning, that may be offensive to readers who prefer short, choppy constructions.

 

NEW YORK – With Easter Bunny back in court this week on charges of violating his probation, details of his personal life are being revealed that threaten to derail his career as a psychedelic holiday icon and disappoint millions of people who associate their religion’s holiest day with baby marshmallow chickens covered in yellow sugar.

Unlike Santa Clause, who flaunts his North Pole digs like a reality-show faux celebrity desperately clinging to those last few seconds of fame and who is not above participating in the most crass acts of commercialism, the notoriously private Easter Bunny has kept his home life a secret.

Until now.

Court documents obtained by The Anvil show that he lives in Wonderland, a small, lawless, and surreal Central American nation bordering Costa Rica, whose inhabitants ingest hallucinogenic drugs, dress as playing cards, and, even more alarmingly, flout food-safety regulations pertaining to the handling and transport of eggs across state lines.

Other shocking allegations that emerged during today’s testimony include Easter Bunny fathering hundreds of baby bunnies by several bunny women and using his progeny as slave labor to weave baskets and dye eggs.

In his opening statement, lead prosecutor Victor Chinchilla said, “The evidence will show that Easter Bunny wantonly breeds like a jackrabbit for the purpose of staffing his sweatshop organization with unpaid offspring.”

Defense attorney Peter Cottontail countered by claiming that Easter Bunny is in a committed and monogamous interspecies relationship with Heat Miser, though that revelation has stirred its own controversy.

“A bunny cohabitating with a Heat Miser is sick and unnatural,” says militant Florida preacher and pyromaniac Josephus A. Crunky, “especially a bunny that represents a religious holiday celebrating the resurrection of Christ.”

Reverend Crunky says he plans to burn a stack of bibles in protest this weekend. “What kind of twisted religion would let a pervert give out colored eggs on its behalf?” he asks.

Bunny’s most recent arrest, this time for sniffing the fumes of purple Easter egg dye, comes on the heels of accusations he was responsible for the Great American Flea Epidemic of May, 2009, during which over two million people got itchy and many more were annoyed hearing about it.

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) issued a warning this week advising Americans to avoid celebrating Easter and, as an added precaution, to set rabbit traps near any point of entry to their houses or apartments.

In a statement released to the press, CDC officials said, “Under no circumstances should anyone attempt to communicate with the Easter Bunny, even if he’s screaming in pain because his leg is half torn off by a trap. If you see him, call your local animal control division of the FBI.”

The CDC’s comments appeared to rile residents of Easter Island, who took to the streets in protest, burning American flags and waving stuffed bunnies. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is set to arrive there later this week to meet with that nation’s president, Stone Flintrock, in the hopes of diffusing already tense relations between the United States and the former Pangaean republic.

World War III appeared to be the last thing on the mind of a defiant Easter Bunny as he left court today, telling reporters he was on his way to, “spend more money on cocaine and prostitutes in one night than you all make in a year.”

His lawyer added that Easter Bunny loves children and can’t wait to make Easter Sunday their most special day.

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Important note to Anvil readers: It has come to our attention that noted anarchist and goat molester Hanson Anderson, who runs the subversive and wholly illegal fake news enterprise, Weird Dude Incorporated, has been making libelous statements about The Anvil, its editor, and writing staff. These heinous and cruel comments, only partly true, are a clear attempt to discredit this fine and respected news organization and its 300 million daily readers.

We strongly advise our readers not to click here and read these disgusting statements for yourselves. The last thing we want is for you to be upset by clicking here to read this trash. By clicking here, you’re only encouraging Hanson Anderson, seditionist and eater of lead paint, to continue spreading his libelous manure.

The Anvil will take the high road, as we believe it would be undignified and unbecoming of a world-class news organization to point out that Hanson Anderson is a registered ferret offender who dances in public fountains while wearing a size 48 disposable diaper, held up by a giant pink safety pin, and reads Tiger Beat magazine.

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Today’s image by the lovely and talented Sandra Tarsitano

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 29 Comments »