Transmissions from the alternate universe

Kate gets a quick start on the beheadings

Posted by oldancestor on May 1, 2011


The honeymoon is over

By Lacy Thundercake


LONDON – Now that Kate Middleton is officially known as the Duchess of Cambridge, she is using her new-found royal clout to, in the words of a Buckingham Palace spokesperson, “make corrections” to the British aristocracy. Early reports put the death toll at 30.

Among the dead are said to be Sir Percival Pantywaist, Earl of  Priss, and Lady Rowena Candleholder, Queen Elizabeth’s personal physician and supplier of virgin blood. Palace insiders say Middleton has carried out several of the beheadings herself, earning the nicknames ‘Killer Kate’ and ‘The Duchess of Death’ from members of the serving staff.

“I sawr it me-self, I did,” said a palace chimney sweep  who would only identify himself as Bert. “She cut ‘is ‘ead off clean wif an ax. All crazy-like in the eyes when she did it, too.”

In an statement released to the press, solicitors representing the royal couple said, “Rumours that Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, is directly involved in any of this weekend’s unexplained disappearing-head incidents are categorically false. Furthermore, the mysterious deaths of the girl who stole the Duchess’s then boyfriend Nigel during A-levels and of the other girl who stole the Duchess’s crayons in primary school have nothing whatsoever to do with the Duchess, Prince William, or that old bat who won’t die, the Queen.”

The killings appear to have aroused the suspicions of Scotland Yard, enough so that police inspectors reportedly questioned Middleton. Despite the presence of the victims’ blood on her royal ax and “ax-swinging blisters” on her hands, police say the Duchess is not a suspect.

Still, Chief Inspector Archibald Battle told reporters today, “We won’t tolerate any Mary, Queen of Scots nonsense. Or was it Mary Tudor? Whichever one was the ‘Bloody Mary’ one, we won’t tolerate any of that. No ‘Bloody Kates,’ in other words.”

The beheadings are just the latest controversy to dog Prince William and his new wife. British “birthers” have long claimed that Prince William and Prince Harry are imposters who killed the real William and Harry as adolescents and hid their bodies in the Tower of London. This despite Prince Charles, the boys’ father, confirming that the ones appearing on television all the time are indeed his children.

Although he has presented the results of a DNA test that proves he is the real William, the Prince continues to be called a “usurper” in some circles. He has also released dental records that show the skeletons found in the Tower belong to two peasant boys named Tiny Tim and Oliver Twist, who disappeared over a hundred and fifty years ago, and not to him and his brother.

Said Prince William in a television interview last week, “I’ll let you take an x-ray that confirms I still have my skeleton, if that helps.”

Most critics who associate themselves with the birther movement remain unconvinced.

According to Oxford University professor and expert on deluded people who refuse to change idiotic opinions even in the face on incontrovertible proof to the contrary, Sir Edmund Bollocks, these birthers “are a bunch of bleeding wankers.”


Hey Anvil readers… Be sure to check out my latest post for Pure film Creative, in which I manage to be a sexist pig who objectifies women AND come across as homosexual at the same time. Quite a feat!


Today’s image supplied by Sandra Tarsitano


31 Responses to “Kate gets a quick start on the beheadings”

  1. nrhatch said

    The tabloids have NOTHING on you, Eric! 😀

    Long live the rumors!
    Or should I say rumours?

    Chim Chiminee … Chim Chiminee … Chim Chim Cheroo
    Good luck will rub off when Bert shakes hands with you!

  2. Woman said

    “British “birthers” have long claimed that Prince William and Prince Harry are imposters who killed the real William and Harry as adolescents and hid their bodies in the Tower of London. ”

    Glad that Tower is still in use!!!!!!

    I agree with Nrhatch… your blog is better than the tabloids!!!!!

  3. Am I the only one who has a secret penchant for Kate and Britney and Sarah Palin? They are all the kind of dream girl I am hoping to run into at a Wal-Mart.

    I’m not joking. I am a desperate man.

  4. Greg Camp said

    The whole bloody lot of them are a bunch of amphibianated usurpers, ever since that so-called Viking William crossed the channel. I mean, what self-respecting Viking calls France home? But really, it’s the Celts who ought to be in charge. I’m waiting for the return of Arthur.

  5. Alexandria Beaverhousin said

    They said that the Navy Seals searched and destroyed Bin Laden. I think it was Kate, Duchess of Cambridge. A woman that was recently married with an axe is more badarse then four Navy Seals and Chuck Norris put together!

  6. maybe they were using too many AXE products..pollution control.

  7. […] This brief interlude brought to you courtesy of Old Ancestor ~ Editor-In-Chief of Heathen Haven, a… […]

  8. The Hook said

    At least she’s a hard worker!

  9. tridecalogism said

    Anything that pokes fun at the Royals is instantly funny. Damn them, they took everything from my country. And now the Queen is actually going to visit my country…the horror.

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