THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Document Proves President WAS Born in Kenya

Posted by oldancestor on May 20, 2012

 

Africa: Illegal president factory?

By Lacy Thundercake

NAIROBI – An exclusive document obtained by The Anvil today proves that Kenyan president Mwai Kibaki was indeed born in the African nation he leads. Skeptics have long claimed that he is actually a rich, white businessman from the United States who exploited his familys political connections to win office.

The mysterious document, known in media circles as The Wikipedia Page, not only identifies Kibakis birthplace as Gatuyaini, Kenya, it also provides paragraph after paragraph of information that is too boring to read. A photograph attached to the document, dated 2003, shows Kibaki meeting then U.S. President George W. Bush outside the White House, fueling speculation that, while Kibaki may not have been born in the United States, he has visited.

Some conspiracy theorists claim that the photograph was actually taken on the moon, where a mock-up of the White House exists for exactly these kinds of photo opportunities.

NASA carts world leaders to the moon all the time, says Pinky Middleton, founder of Luna-tix, a group demanding that the aerospace agency make moon-trip tickets available to the civilian public. I dont think my taxes should pay for government things if I dont directly get nothing out of it.

Middleton says he is using this years tax refund to turn his trailer into a moon rocket. Next time Obama is up there shaking hands with some Swedish dude or whatever, Im going to drop right in between them and moon everybody. Ha ha. Moon. I didnt even get that til just now.

President Obama himself has been dogged by questions about his biological origins since he took office over three years ago, particularly since his mitochondrial DNA was traced back to southeastern Africa 200,000 years ago.

When reached by phone at his home office in Washington, D.C., President Obama told The Anvil, Look. All modern humans mtDNA can be traced back to Africa 200,000 years ago. So, you know, every president weve ever had came from Africa.

Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus responded to the Presidents assertion by stating, If we believed in evolution, wed be mighty upset right now.

*****************************************************

2 Responses to “Document Proves President WAS Born in Kenya”

  1. nrhatch said

    Bwahaha! I love your news reports because they never provide “paragraph after paragraph of information that is too boring to read.” 😆

    • ericjbaker said

      Thanks! That’s the best part about fake news. I always get a juicy quote when I want one.

      I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the Robert Rodriguez film Planet Terror, which is a satire of 80s horror films. About 2/3 of the way through the movie, the film ‘tears’ and a title card comes up saying:

      Reel Missing.
      We’re Sorry, Theater Management

      When the movie resumes, it’s all action for the last half hour.

      Rodriguez said he always hated the boring parts of those movies when the filmamkers trid to explain everything, so he just found a way around it by pretending that part of the film was missing. Ha! That’s the kind of thinking we love here at The Anvil.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: