Firefighters to begin pepper spraying kittens

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Living the Thug Life

WASHINGTON DC – Fire department officials across the United States have begun advising their field personnel to use pepper spray against unruly kittens. The tactic has proven to be effective when dealing with the uncooperative felines, whose increasing refusal to be coaxed out of trees has reached epidemic proportions, some experts say.

“To keep our trees safe from these destructive pests, a more aggressive approach has been deemed necessary,” said Dante Alighieri, a spokesperson for the National Firefighter’s Association. “By the way, have you seen the claws on these things?”

Kittens are thought to have been accidentally brought to the Americas aboard Japanese sushi ships in the 1980s, quickly wiping out many native animal species. The small, furry creatures can now be found in nearly every region of the United States, often taxing the resources of local fire departments.

On a related note, many nursing home staffers across the country have started beating elderly residents with wooden batons in an effort to improve the oldsters’ bathroom habits, which many are describing as undignified.

“The only way to combat incontinence is through the use of brutal force,” says North American Nursing Home Alliance president Anna Monapia. “In other words, they just need a good whack.”

This new, harsher approach may have been inspired by the methods used against several protest groups throughout the United States in recent days. Facing a growing movement often referred to as Occupy Wall Street by the news media, various police departments have stepped up efforts to disperse the protestors. Such tactics involve the increasing use of pepper spray, which causes temporary burning of the eyes and throat, though concentrated amounts can result in serious injury.

Herman Gestapo, whose company, Stalinetix, has been consulting law enforcement on how to deal with the protestors, told the Anvil, “We only advise the use of pepper spray in extreme circumstances, such as when dealing with an 80-year-old or when people are peacefully sitting on the ground.”

When asked his thoughts on civil disobedience and non-violent protest, Gestapo says, “Show me a document that says we can’t pass a law against the right of people to peaceably assemble, and I’ll change my tune.”

Not so fast, says Pinky Middleton of Boston Massacre Party, a grassroots political organization that advocates for limited government.

“The government has no right to attack its citizens like this,” explains Middleton. “These tactics are just what you’d expect in a socialist society that has no interest in the voice of the individual.”

After being told that the targeted protesters were not speaking out against taxes and healthcare reform but, rather, were criticizing corporate greed, Middleton said, “Really? F*ck ‘em then.”

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Hillary Clinton e-mails picture of her clint

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Exclusive: Hillary's shocking Twitter pic

WASHINGTON DC – Secretary of State Hillary Clinton admitted today to e-mailing a picture of her pet turtle, Clint, to at least six of her Twitter followers recently.

“My Clint is cute as a button,” Clinton told reporters today. “I wanted people to see it.”

The turtle is so named, says the doting pet owner, for its alleged resemblance to Academy Award ™ winning actor and director Clint Eastwood, and not because of her last name. The likeness between the star and Clinton’s reptile could not be independently confirmed at press time.

Among Clinton’s Twitter followers is New York Democratic Congressman and popular underwear model Anthony Weiner, who made headlines himself recently for his own controversial e-mails. He says he understands what Clinton is going through.

“I sent pictures of my Weiner to people,” the congressman told The Anvil via telephone today. “And some folks were a little upset. But I thought it was adorable and the chicks dig it.”

Weiner is Weiner’s pet snake.

Oxford University professor and expert on reptile photographs Sir Edmund Bollocks said people are uncomfortable with turtle pictures because the animals live so long.

“Turtles are like little, shelled, soul-stealing monsters,” says Bollocks. “We mammals wither and age and lose control of our bowels, yet turtles just live and live and live like they own the place. If they ever learn to talk, they’ll be quite in demand. ‘Of course I knew Churchill,’ and so forth.”

Clinton said she’s not sorry about sending the picture.

“People are always shouting, ‘show us your… cat,’” she explains. “Cats are fine, but turtles need attention too.”

No word on whether Newt Gingrich plans to email photos of his pet amphibian or Dick Durbin intends to distribute pictures of his next campaign poster.

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Osama Bin Laden’s Dog Killed by K-9 Specials Ops Soldiers

Fido Bin Laden 2000-2011

By Eric J Baker

ISLAMABAD – U.S. forces scored a second major victory in the war on terror today when K-9 Special Operations forces killed Osama Bin Laden’s dog, Fido, at a secret compound in the mountains of Pakistan. Fido Bin Laden was thought to be Al Qaeda’s second in command after Bin Laden himself, who was killed Sunday in a separate military operation.

In the daring daytime raid on the heavily fortified kennel, K-9 soldiers lured Fido’s bodyguards outside with dog biscuits and tennis balls. With the bodyguards caught fetching, the soldiers stormed the compound and shot Fido in the head during a brief firefight.

Bin Laden’s hamster was also killed.

President Obama broke the news to Americans in a special announcement from the White House this afternoon, which was broadcast live on all the major networks and cable news channels.

“This morning at approximately 7:30 local time, American forces took another step toward closing Al Qaeda’s chapter in history. Fido Bin Laden and his owner, Osama, the twisted twins on the totem pole of terror, are dead,” the President said. “The pooch has been screwed.”

Also present at the press conference was Brigadier General Rin Tin Tin, who authorized the raid.

“Operation Bag Doggie went off without a hitch,” General Tin told members of the White House Press Corps. “We should all be proud of our canine team and what they accomplished today. The bad guys were killed with minimal collateral damage. That’s some accurate shooting. Hell, our boys don’t even have opposable thumbs!”

K-9 Special Ops is a little-known, all-dog branch of the Navy Seals that carries out covert raids involving animals. They were the team responsible for capturing international crime lord Muttley in Morocco in 2002. Muttley died in the Guantanamo Bay detention center in 2004 before he could be brought to trial.

As news of Fido’s death spreads, Americans are taking to the streets in celebration, catching Frisbees in their teeth and humping each other all across the nation.

Pinky Middleton, 38-year-old pet shop owner in Sacramento, California says he plans to have a half-price sale on dog accessories this coming Saturday from 1 to 5 p.m. “I’m calling it, ‘Dog Day Afternoon.’ Or maybe, ‘All Dogs Go to Heaven… but one.’”

Fido Bin Laden first made headlines in July of 2005 for a failed attack on then President George W. Bush, who was in Germany at the time for an economic summit. Fido managed to breach security provided by local police but was stopped by Secret Service agents. No one was injured, but Fido was able to urinate on an agent’s pant leg before escaping, which cost taxpayers over seven dollars in dry-cleaning bills.

At the time, President Bush was quoted as shouting to his fleeing assailant, “Try that in Texas, you Benji-looking son of a bastard!”

With the deaths of both Bin Ladens this week, the FBI has two vacancies on its Ten Most Wanted List. Interested terrorists can apply by calling 555-FBI LIST.

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Today’s image provided by Hanson Anderson of Weird Dude Blog (not for the easily offended). Thanks, Hanson!

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Animals make bad pets!

An editorial by Lennie

When pets attack: Remember Godzilla's tragic Dancing with the Stars appearance?

About the writer: Lennie is the author of Don’t Give to Charity – It Only Teaches People to Take and The Real Science Behind Unicorns. He’s also in the Lennie’s Book of World Records for “Coolest, most popular, best-looking guy.”

His uncle owns The Anvil.

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Like all humans, I don’t care what happens to anyone else, but some people are taking their selfish disregard for the world around them to new depths. Folks, animals are living creatures, not matchbox cars or decorative candles. In other words, they are not pets!

Don’t be lulled into a false sense of affection by their sad eyes and soft fur. Those are evolutionary adaptations specifically designed by God to get these creatures into your house.

Why? Because they are too lazy to build their own houses. I didn’t use my family connections to gain employment, cheat on my taxes to get a big refund, or date a woman with zero self-esteem who I browbeat into doing all my housework… just so some “rodent with fur” can steal my thunder. Seriously, is there a worse combination of traits than being conniving and lazy? That’s animals for ya.

Not to mention they are dangerous. Some scary animal facts:

1. In the movie Jaws, a huge great white shark eats a bunch of people. You may be thinking, “Lennie, ‘huge’ and ‘great’ are kind of redundant.” Well that’s how huge it was.

2. Polar bears can smell a pie cooling on your window sill from the North Pole. Don’t you feel violated? While we’re on the subject, maybe you should stop putting pies on your window sill. You’re not a cartoon character.

3. In Ohio in the 1980s, a woman named Medusa kept pet snakes that, no doubt, had soft fur and sad eyes. Despite warnings, she allowed them to sleep at the foot of her bed. Guess what? During the night, they planted eggs in her head and snakes eventually grew in place of hair. She could not get a date after that and died a lonely spinster 50 years later. It sounds like an urban legend, but it’s not, because my friend’s cousin’s neighbor knew her.

4. Cats and dogs have bacteria on them. Ew. You don’t want that stuff near your face, do you?

5. During a live animal show in San Diego last year that featured tigers and lions, a woman in the audience got food poisoning from eating an undercooked hamburger. A hamburger made of beef.

6. Kittens are cute and cuddly all right, but leave a baby unattended around one, and you’ll come back to find a cradle full of small bones. Fact.

7. Dog biscuits are made in sweat shops by underage foreign children working 12 hours a day. Meanwhile, our preteens are unemployed and wasting time!

Now that you know the facts, take the next step and drop your house animal off at the nearest pet recycling center before you forget. You can probably get rid of your spiders that way, too, but do it fast so no one gets suspicious.

Consider yourself informed.

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(Today’s image by Sandra Tarsitano)

The 5 most popular blogs on WordPress

By Lacy Thundercake

Today's caption is free of typos AND stoicism.

Who among us doesn’t dream of becoming a blogging star? To have so many millions of adoring readers everyday that your stats page crashes? To be able to quit your job writing arts and entertainment tripe for a stupid internet news journal with a soulless monster for a boss?

[Just get on with it, will you? – ed.]

WordPress is the ideal choice for many blog-stars-in-the-making. As one of the most popular blog hosting sites, and certainly the oldest (it was invented in 1440 and originally known as PrintingPress), WordPress gives you access to millions of other people who also want to be famous bloggers. Maybe yours will be so good that everyone else quits blogging because their spirits are crushed beyond recognition. You can always hope.

So what does it take to make your dream come true? Check out the five most visited WordPress blogs below for some tips.

1. Turning Food into Poop

 Doctor William Rubin

Dr. Rubin, who lost his medical license for implanting leopard gizzards into humans to aid the digestion of red meat, has made lemons into… er, lemonade.  His blog on digestive processes informs readers of what to expect a few hours after they eat something, and he gets about 70,000 clicks per day.

“I receive all kinds of comments from terrified people who think alien creatures are escaping from their bodies,” he says. “How can you be 37 years-old and not know?”

His advice for bloggers trying to make it big?

“Overeat.”

Oh, doc! Did you have to?

2. Zeus is Love

whatwouldherculesdo

“You can’t just say you’re a Pagan. You have to live as one.”

So says the blogger who spreads the word of Zeus to 90,000 people a day throughout the blogosphere. Most posts on Zeus is Love, America’s most popular religious blog, are discussions about scripture passages from the Pagan holy book, More Gods than You Can Shake a Stick at.

“One of my favorite quotes comes from the Book of Perseus, Act 2, verse 28,” says whatwouldherculesdo. “It’s when Zeus is trying to seduce Perseus’ mother, and he says, ‘Yeah, baby!’ That’s 2800 years before Austin Powers said it. Explain that, doubters!”

Other oft-quoted passages from the Pagan holy book include “Lock up your wives and daughters. Zeus is coming and he’s got that look in his eye!” and, from the Book of Heracles, “You want me to shovel what? I’m half god, you asshat.”

3. Tastes like Chicken: Cannibal Cuisine

David Word

Some readers may be surprised that a blog featuring recipes for human flesh is so popular, until one realizes that 40,000 of 50,000 daily clicks come from uncharted regions of the Amazon jungle. Still, that’s quite a few clicks from the so-called civilized world as well.

“Part of my success comes from having just really good recipes for human meat,” Word explains. “And the other part is because I’m sleeping with the owner.”

Indeed, David’s last name is one half of WordPress. His wife, Sarah Press, is the majority shareholder.

“I’m on Freshly Pressed once a week,” he says. “And you’re not.”

4. Piranha Total Care

Bristol Palin

Pet care blogs have been popular since technology has allowed the inner narcissist in all of us a chance to shine online. Piranha Total Care, which began as one of the most obscure, is now the number one pet-themed blog on the internet.

However, many cultural experts attribute the rise in popularity of meat-eating fish web sites to the complete of absence or dogs and cats in the country since President Palin ordered them rounded up and shipped to Australia.

Who can forget the President’s State of the Union address last year, when she said, “I know your pets are looking at me! My eyes might be closed, but I can FEEL THEM LOOKING AT ME.”

We here at The Anvil fully support President Palin’s efforts to ban furry pets from our shores, and we also support her government takeover of the media and the summary executions that followed. All hail President Palin. All hail President Palin.

5. Alternate Writing

JaNeT pLaNeT

There is no shortage of writing blogs on the internet dispensing tips and advice on improving prose, empowering poetry, and peeing other P-writing words. Perhaps there are too many such blogs, one blending into another and becoming so redundant that the weary wordsmith wonders, “When will one winner wipe away WordPress’ wordy wasteland?”

[Please stop – ed.]

We have that winner, folks. It’s JaNeT pLaNeT from Alternate Writing. JaNeT does not profess to know anything about writing, which she says is the key to her success.

“Look, I wouldn’t know a haiku from a hole in your face,” she says. “That’s what makes me so accessible. That and my alternate writing style. Did I mention you were ugly?”

Her alternate writing style involves nothing more than alternating upper and lower case letters. A recent blog post was called, “yOu’Ll NeVeR gEt PuBlIsHeD, bEcAuSe, WeLl, YoU sUcK.”

“It took me a while to learn how to type like this, but I don’t care,” she explains, “because people are stupid jerks and I hope they all die.”

In addition to being a successful blogger, JaNeT is a certified insult therapist and part-time dominatrix.

Her advice to struggling bloggers is, “Quit. No one wants to read your worthless drivel.”

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Legal disclaimer: The Anvil apologizes for not providing links to any of these popular blogs, but astrophysicists at Princeton University tell us that posting links into alternate realities can cause a tear in the time-space continuum that results in the instantaneous return of every lost sock since the advent of the clothes dryer.

World’s oldest pet goldfish dead at 2 weeks

By Eric J Baker

Undated photo of Goldie (image by Ethan B Weinrib)

BALTIMORE – Goldie, the world’s oldest pet goldfish, died today at the age of two weeks. The Maryland-born fish’s reign lasted an hour, following the death of Fin, also two-weeks old, of Paris, France. Veterinarians say Goldie died of natural causes, though police are refusing to rule out foul play.

Gil Swimson, the father of Goldie’s owner, Emma, has deferred all questions from the media to their family lawyer, Phil Ter, who could not be reached for comment.

Funeral services for Goldie were to be held around the toilet in the Swimson’s downstairs bathroom, but, in a bizarre and shocking twist, the body has gone missing. Baltimore police chief Pinky Middleton told reporters this afternoon that city investigators were tracking down several leads in the case.

“As far as we can tell, the body was briefly left in the care of the family cat, Pickles,” said Middleton, “but after that, it’s hard to say what happened.”

Police say Pickles is not a suspect in the theft, owing to her loss of appetite over being upset.

“Nobody can fake that kind of grief,” said an unnamed source inside the police department.

Goldie’s death has resonated all the way to nearby Washington, DC, where President Obama was hard at work trying to resolve the ongoing crisis in Egypt. He took time out of a meeting with key cabinet officials to tell reporters, “I’m sure I speak for all Americans when I say our hearts and prayers go out to the Swimson family during this difficult time.”

At press time, Goldie’s death leaves Ifukube of Yokahama, Japan as the world’s oldest pet goldfish. Ifukube is believed to be one week and six days old.

UPDATE: Ifukube died approximately two hours after this article was posted, leaving Portia, of Durham, England, as the world’s oldest pet goldfish at one week and five and a half days.

SECOND UPDATE: In tragic news, Portia was sucked into the filter attached to her aquarium and killed at 9:29 p.m. Eastern time today. A search is currently underway to identify the world’s current oldest pet goldfish. More on this breaking story as it develops.