Fido Bin Laden 2000-2011
By Eric J Baker
ISLAMABAD – U.S. forces scored a second major victory in the war on terror today when K-9 Special Operations forces killed Osama Bin Laden’s dog, Fido, at a secret compound in the mountains of Pakistan. Fido Bin Laden was thought to be Al Qaeda’s second in command after Bin Laden himself, who was killed Sunday in a separate military operation.
In the daring daytime raid on the heavily fortified kennel, K-9 soldiers lured Fido’s bodyguards outside with dog biscuits and tennis balls. With the bodyguards caught fetching, the soldiers stormed the compound and shot Fido in the head during a brief firefight.
Bin Laden’s hamster was also killed.
President Obama broke the news to Americans in a special announcement from the White House this afternoon, which was broadcast live on all the major networks and cable news channels.
“This morning at approximately 7:30 local time, American forces took another step toward closing Al Qaeda’s chapter in history. Fido Bin Laden and his owner, Osama, the twisted twins on the totem pole of terror, are dead,” the President said. “The pooch has been screwed.”
Also present at the press conference was Brigadier General Rin Tin Tin, who authorized the raid.
“Operation Bag Doggie went off without a hitch,” General Tin told members of the White House Press Corps. “We should all be proud of our canine team and what they accomplished today. The bad guys were killed with minimal collateral damage. That’s some accurate shooting. Hell, our boys don’t even have opposable thumbs!”
K-9 Special Ops is a little-known, all-dog branch of the Navy Seals that carries out covert raids involving animals. They were the team responsible for capturing international crime lord Muttley in Morocco in 2002. Muttley died in the Guantanamo Bay detention center in 2004 before he could be brought to trial.
As news of Fido’s death spreads, Americans are taking to the streets in celebration, catching Frisbees in their teeth and humping each other all across the nation.
Pinky Middleton, 38-year-old pet shop owner in Sacramento, California says he plans to have a half-price sale on dog accessories this coming Saturday from 1 to 5 p.m. “I’m calling it, ‘Dog Day Afternoon.’ Or maybe, ‘All Dogs Go to Heaven… but one.’”
Fido Bin Laden first made headlines in July of 2005 for a failed attack on then President George W. Bush, who was in Germany at the time for an economic summit. Fido managed to breach security provided by local police but was stopped by Secret Service agents. No one was injured, but Fido was able to urinate on an agent’s pant leg before escaping, which cost taxpayers over seven dollars in dry-cleaning bills.
At the time, President Bush was quoted as shouting to his fleeing assailant, “Try that in Texas, you Benji-looking son of a bastard!”
With the deaths of both Bin Ladens this week, the FBI has two vacancies on its Ten Most Wanted List. Interested terrorists can apply by calling 555-FBI LIST.
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Today’s image provided by Hanson Anderson of Weird Dude Blog (not for the easily offended). Thanks, Hanson!
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THE ANVIL 