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The Anvil sinks to a new low!

 

Greetings, beloved Anvil Readers and random surfers-in.

No new story here, but please check out my new post for Pure Film Creative.

You get to see me:

1. Use naughty words 

2.  Talk about the End of the World that didn’t happen, Lady Gaga, and Pompeii

3. Get mocked in the captions

James, the blog master, has been kind enough to avoid naked men pictures this week, so those of you with gentler tastes will only be mildly offended. To make up for this and for luring you in here with a non-story, I have posted an alternate picture my friend Sandi made (but I didn’t use) for my Royal Wedding post, because it was too risqué.

New story here tomorrow (probably)! But really, go read my PFC post. You’ll love it.

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Kate gets a quick start on the beheadings

 

The honeymoon is over

By Lacy Thundercake

 

LONDON – Now that Kate Middleton is officially known as the Duchess of Cambridge, she is using her new-found royal clout to, in the words of a Buckingham Palace spokesperson, “make corrections” to the British aristocracy. Early reports put the death toll at 30.

Among the dead are said to be Sir Percival Pantywaist, Earl of  Priss, and Lady Rowena Candleholder, Queen Elizabeth’s personal physician and supplier of virgin blood. Palace insiders say Middleton has carried out several of the beheadings herself, earning the nicknames ‘Killer Kate’ and ‘The Duchess of Death’ from members of the serving staff.

“I sawr it me-self, I did,” said a palace chimney sweep  who would only identify himself as Bert. “She cut ‘is ‘ead off clean wif an ax. All crazy-like in the eyes when she did it, too.”

In an statement released to the press, solicitors representing the royal couple said, “Rumours that Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, is directly involved in any of this weekend’s unexplained disappearing-head incidents are categorically false. Furthermore, the mysterious deaths of the girl who stole the Duchess’s then boyfriend Nigel during A-levels and of the other girl who stole the Duchess’s crayons in primary school have nothing whatsoever to do with the Duchess, Prince William, or that old bat who won’t die, the Queen.”

The killings appear to have aroused the suspicions of Scotland Yard, enough so that police inspectors reportedly questioned Middleton. Despite the presence of the victims’ blood on her royal ax and “ax-swinging blisters” on her hands, police say the Duchess is not a suspect.

Still, Chief Inspector Archibald Battle told reporters today, “We won’t tolerate any Mary, Queen of Scots nonsense. Or was it Mary Tudor? Whichever one was the ‘Bloody Mary’ one, we won’t tolerate any of that. No ‘Bloody Kates,’ in other words.”

The beheadings are just the latest controversy to dog Prince William and his new wife. British “birthers” have long claimed that Prince William and Prince Harry are imposters who killed the real William and Harry as adolescents and hid their bodies in the Tower of London. This despite Prince Charles, the boys’ father, confirming that the ones appearing on television all the time are indeed his children.

Although he has presented the results of a DNA test that proves he is the real William, the Prince continues to be called a “usurper” in some circles. He has also released dental records that show the skeletons found in the Tower belong to two peasant boys named Tiny Tim and Oliver Twist, who disappeared over a hundred and fifty years ago, and not to him and his brother.

Said Prince William in a television interview last week, “I’ll let you take an x-ray that confirms I still have my skeleton, if that helps.”

Most critics who associate themselves with the birther movement remain unconvinced.

According to Oxford University professor and expert on deluded people who refuse to change idiotic opinions even in the face on incontrovertible proof to the contrary, Sir Edmund Bollocks, these birthers “are a bunch of bleeding wankers.”

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Hey Anvil readers… Be sure to check out my latest post for Pure film Creative, in which I manage to be a sexist pig who objectifies women AND come across as homosexual at the same time. Quite a feat!

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Today’s image supplied by Sandra Tarsitano

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Royal Wedding fiasco: Westminster Abbey double booked!

 

Kate’s special day ruined!

By Lacy Thundercake

 

LONDON – In what is sure to be remembered as one of the most embarrassing mishaps in the history of the British monarchy, wedding planners discovered last night that Westminster Abbey in London, the proposed site of Prince William’s marriage to Kate Middleton on Friday, is already booked for an unrelated event.

Family members from the Lipchitz-Goldstein wedding party, who made the earlier reservation, told royal officials to “bugger off” when they were asked to select a new date so the prince’s nuptials could take place as scheduled.

“I’ve got cousins flying in from the states to see my little daffodil get married,” said a teary Meryl Goldstein, mother of the bride. “Blimey. What shall I tell them? The Queen’s gone barmy and doesn’t know what day it is?”

Frank Lipchitz, father of the groom, concurs. “We ‘ad it first,” he says. “What are they going to do, throw us all in the Tower [of London, a former prison]? Won’t that be lovely?”

The mix-up is believed to have resulted from confusion over the first names of the engaged couple, Prince William Lipchitz and Kate Goldstein. Westminster Abbey officials admitted the couple’s parents called last year and said they needed to book a wedding hall for ‘Prince William and Kate.’

In a statement released to the press, Abbey spokesperson Sir Lemmy Kilimister said, “We regret that our chap working the phones didn’t ask enough questions. He has been sacked.”

(STORY CONTINUES BELOW IMAGE)

 

New problems for Westminster Abbey,

only just repaired after Kong’s 2006 attack (file photo) 

If arrangements cannot be made between the royal family and the Lipchitz-Goldstein party, the Prince’s wedding may be moved to the Hammersmith Apollo, a popular concert venue in London. Pop/rock legends Duran Duran are scheduled to perform a show that day, but royal officials said the marriage ceremony will be incorporated into the performance, likely taking place between music sets.

When told of the potential for a combo event, Duran Duran lead vocalist Simon Le Bon said, “Cor. I’ve always wanted to play for a posh crowd.”

Kate Middleton is said to be a fan of the band, but Oxford professor and expert on royal weddings being incorporated into rock concerts, Sir Edmund Bollocks, warns, “If she’s going to throw her brar-and-panties onto the stage, she’d better do it during the first set. She’ll be Princess Kate by the time the Fab Five come back for round two, and that kind of behavior would hardly be appropriate.”

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Hey Anvil readers! For more on the royal wedding and other silliness, check out my latest post for Pure Film Creative, where I talk about British girls named Kate, The Smelly Guy, and other transatlantic mayhem.

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Today’s top image provided by Hanson Anderson from Weird Dude’s Blog (not for the easily offended! I mean it!)

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Surprising results of Iowa straw poll

Also: Royal violence in London (see below)

By Eric J Baker

This man is so deformed his face looks like a question mark

 

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA – Pollsters were shocked today when the children of Mrs. Bluebonnet’s first grade class at West Captain Kirk Elementary School in Cedar Rapids, Iowa chose straight straws over curly ones by a two-to-one margin. It had been believed that most kids preferred the curly straws.

“This throws the election landscape into total disarray,” said political analyst Paul Naschy. “It’s completely shocking. It’s also utterly unexpected. I have nothing to say, do I?”

When asked why she chose the straight straws, Emma Jellybone, age 7, said, “It takes too long to drink a milkshake with a curly one.”

Emma’s teacher, Mrs. Bluebonnet, was unwilling to say which straw she preferred but did say she thought the political analyst quoted in the second paragraph was an inarticulate buffoon.

“Did you notice the redundancy,” she said. “Have you ever heard of partial disarray? Can something be kind of shocking or a little bit unexpected? The answer is no.”

When asked to choose between Mike Huckabee, Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, or any of the tall, handsome mainstream Republicans who actually have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting the GOP nomination in 2012, Mrs. Bluebonnet’s kids picked straws again.

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NEW BLOODSHED IN ENGLAND

LONDON – Forces loyal to Queen Elizabeth II stormed Great Britain’s Parliament building today, briefly capturing it until they were beaten back by the armies of The Usurper, Prime Minister David Cameron.

Cameron appeared on BBC shortly after the battle to reassure Brits that government was functioning normally.

“Queens are a ghastly nuisance, aren’t they?” he said.

RAF pilots later bombed Windsor castle to, in Cameron’s words, “make way for a lovely shopping commons and maybe some sort of aquarium or garden.”

BBC political analyst Sir Edward Bollocks said the queen’s attack was not a serious attempt to win back authority for the monarchy.

“She knows she can’t win,” said Bollocks. “She just wants that tart of a future granddaughter-in-law [Kate Middleton, Prince William’s fiancé] to know who has the biggest family jewels.”

When reached for comment, Middleton told us to “Bugger off.”

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