Transmissions from the alternate universe

Guest Poet: Ethan Baker

Posted by oldancestor on April 29, 2012

Greetings, friends and readers. Today marks The Anvil’s first-ever guest post, courtesy of my 10-year-old son Ethan. I had nothing to do with it. He just wrote it and handed it to me, unsolicited, and it’s good enough to post as is. Enjoy!


Stuff to Do


By Ethan Baker


There’s milk to be cheesed

There’s snot to be sneezed

There’s elbows that need to be bruised


There’s soccer balls to be kicked

There’s noses to be picked

There’s toilets that need to be used


There’s fat to be jiggled

There’s cucumbers to be pickled

There’s cats that need new bedding


There’s jerks to be beaten

There’s lunch to be eaten

There’s chickens who need a beheading


There’s cars to be driven

There’s gifts to be given

There’s documents that need to be printed


There’s fish to be caught

There’s stuff to be bought

There’s money that needs to be minted


There’s books to be read

There’s mouths to be fed

There’s idiots that need to be punched


There’s cups to be filled

There’s juice to be spilled

There’s Cheez-Its that need to be munched


There’s cars to be crashed

There’s potatoes to be mashed

There’s faces that need to be pied


There’s pests to be ridded

There’s scarves to be knitted

There’s frenches that need to be fried


There’s gas to be farted

There’s fights to be started

There’s videos that need to be recorded



There’s crops to be planted

There’s wishes to be granted

There’s ships that need to be boarded


There’s planes to be flown

There’s grass to be grown

There’s bullies that need to be tripped


There’s paper to be glued

There’s gum to be chewed

There’s stones that need to be skipped


There’s emperors to be cloaked

There’s pipes to be smoked

There’s oranges that need to be rhymed


There’s games to be played

There’s debts to be paid

There’s math tests that need to be timed


There’s poems to be written

There’s hotdogs to be bitten

There’s food to be turned into poo



The reason the world turns ‘round and ‘round

Is because there’s so much stuff to do!



25 Responses to “Guest Poet: Ethan Baker”

  1. Tracy said

    I think you have some competition! It’s wonderful!

  2. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree………………..

  3. nrhatch said

    Despite the “icky” bits
    And the poet’s penchance for violence, nose picking, and poo
    This is brilliant!

    Now I’ve got to go . . . I’ve got so much stuff to do!

    • ericjbaker said

      Aw, thanks for reading. It’s surely written from a 10-year-old’s worldview, no?

    • nrhatch said

      Given YOUR penchant in the past for satire and sarcasm, I wasn’t sure that the Guest Post really was written by your 10-year-old son.

      Wait . . . does that mean I questioned the veracity of your preamble? Yes. Yes, it does. 😉

      Now that I realize that “Ethan Baker” is a real-live-boy (unlike The Anvil’s other made up correspondents) . . . I am WOWED by his rhythm and rhyme.

      Please tell you son . . . WELL DONE!

  4. Good grief! You have been hiding this guy! Eric, if I didn’t know better I’d say that you had kept him hidden just to spare my fragile ego, because this young man has me way outclassed Nancy even commented on one of my more recent posts just to tell me that I had competition from Ethan! She was wrong. I don’t have any competition from your son. He wins hands down. Tell him to keep writing and having fun. He is doing almost precisely what I did at his age. Actually, don’t tell him, because then he might think he will degenerate as I have over the 51 years since I was 10. . .Woe is me. i’ll have to start doing a better job or look into another line of work, I think. . .

    Ethan! Great humor, great fun, super job! Thanks for the laugh! 😆

    • ericjbaker said

      I think your spot as WordPress’s top poet is safe for now. We’ve got to watch out for these young upstarts, though.

      Thanks, on his behalf, for the comments. I hope he turns out to be as good a crazy old man as you are a crazy old lady.


  5. I posted the link on face book. The consensus among my friends: “this would make a spectacular children’s book”.
    Please tell Ethan we all love his poem.

  6. Show this to Ethan and let him know I’m not going to give up easily – even if he has defeated me – temporarily! Actually, I am concerned that this paltry effort will only encourage him. Curses! Foiled again!

    To an upstart whipper-snapper poet:


    “There’s no better rhymer
    Than this here old-timer
    If there is one, then I’ll eat my shoe!”
    But a poet named Ethan
    Caused gnashing of teeth, an’
    Now the old lady can’t chew.
    ‘Cause she’s been outdone
    By a new Number One
    And she once thought that she was unbeatable
    But when she calmed down,
    She relinquished her crown –
    But determined he’d soon be defeatable.
    So if I were you, lad
    ‘Twould be best if you had
    An arsenal of rhymes in your hopper.
    This old lady’s gunning to
    Beat you by stunning you:
    It’ll be damn hard to stop her!

    BTW – it’s good to read something from you again – or is my e-mail box failing me again?

  7. Is this a sing along because I am confused and I don’t want to make a fool out of myself by being the first and only one to start singing….

    *worried in Texas

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