THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘Birther’

Document Proves President WAS Born in Kenya

Posted by oldancestor on May 20, 2012

 

Africa: Illegal president factory?

By Lacy Thundercake

NAIROBI – An exclusive document obtained by The Anvil today proves that Kenyan president Mwai Kibaki was indeed born in the African nation he leads. Skeptics have long claimed that he is actually a rich, white businessman from the United States who exploited his familys political connections to win office.

The mysterious document, known in media circles as The Wikipedia Page, not only identifies Kibakis birthplace as Gatuyaini, Kenya, it also provides paragraph after paragraph of information that is too boring to read. A photograph attached to the document, dated 2003, shows Kibaki meeting then U.S. President George W. Bush outside the White House, fueling speculation that, while Kibaki may not have been born in the United States, he has visited.

Some conspiracy theorists claim that the photograph was actually taken on the moon, where a mock-up of the White House exists for exactly these kinds of photo opportunities.

NASA carts world leaders to the moon all the time, says Pinky Middleton, founder of Luna-tix, a group demanding that the aerospace agency make moon-trip tickets available to the civilian public. I dont think my taxes should pay for government things if I dont directly get nothing out of it.

Middleton says he is using this years tax refund to turn his trailer into a moon rocket. Next time Obama is up there shaking hands with some Swedish dude or whatever, Im going to drop right in between them and moon everybody. Ha ha. Moon. I didnt even get that til just now.

President Obama himself has been dogged by questions about his biological origins since he took office over three years ago, particularly since his mitochondrial DNA was traced back to southeastern Africa 200,000 years ago.

When reached by phone at his home office in Washington, D.C., President Obama told The Anvil, Look. All modern humans mtDNA can be traced back to Africa 200,000 years ago. So, you know, every president weve ever had came from Africa.

Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus responded to the Presidents assertion by stating, If we believed in evolution, wed be mighty upset right now.

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Posted in Politics, World News | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Colonel Klink surges past Gingrich in GOP poll

Posted by oldancestor on December 18, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Colonel Klink promises free colorectal exams for all

Des Moines, IA – GOP presidential hopeful Colonel Klink has topped our most recent election poll, largely on the strength of his nein, nein, nein tax plan, which, roughly translated, means, “No, no, no” new taxes. He led Newt Gingrich 22 percent to 18 percent in the survey of likely Republican voters conducted yesterday.

 

Klink was campaigning in Des Moines last night, where he told supporters he stands for “freedom, accountability, and competence in government.” He also said that if he does not win the upcoming Iowa caucuses, he has a panzer tank division standing by to take the state by force. 

 

Fellow GOP candidate Gingrich, in trying to fend off attacks from his rival, got himself into trouble Friday by comparing Klink’s campaign ads to Nazi propaganda and by referring to Klink himself as “Herr Commandant.”

 

When asked for a response to Gingrich’s comments, Klink said, “It’s pretty bad taste to imply someone is a Nazi. You just don’t do it. I assume he was joking, but there’s nothing funny about that period in history.”

 

He added, “For example, imagine if someone produced a TV sitcom set in a German prison camp in World War II. There’s no way that would be funny.”

 

Klink has thus far managed to avoid the scandals and controversies that have dogged other candidates and, in Herman Cain’s case, forced a withdrawal from the race. Despite having been born in Germany and, thus, being ineligible for the presidency, Klink has not faced any challenges from the so-called “birther” movement.

 

When The Anvil contacted the local chapter of the Flat-Birth Society to find out why they have not demanded that Klink’s birth records be made public, as they did with President Obama, the office’s spokesman Pinky Middleton said, “Because he’s white.”

 

Klink said he will no longer answer questions unrelated to domestic and foreign policy and referred all such inquiries to his campaign staff. In response to questions about Klink’s place of birth, opinions on TV sitcoms, and secret Nazi past, the candidate’s spokesman Sergeant Schultz told reporters today, “I know nothing. NOTHING!”  

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Posted in Breaking News!, Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments »

Kate gets a quick start on the beheadings

Posted by oldancestor on May 1, 2011

 

The honeymoon is over

By Lacy Thundercake

 

LONDON – Now that Kate Middleton is officially known as the Duchess of Cambridge, she is using her new-found royal clout to, in the words of a Buckingham Palace spokesperson, “make corrections” to the British aristocracy. Early reports put the death toll at 30.

Among the dead are said to be Sir Percival Pantywaist, Earl of  Priss, and Lady Rowena Candleholder, Queen Elizabeth’s personal physician and supplier of virgin blood. Palace insiders say Middleton has carried out several of the beheadings herself, earning the nicknames ‘Killer Kate’ and ‘The Duchess of Death’ from members of the serving staff.

“I sawr it me-self, I did,” said a palace chimney sweep  who would only identify himself as Bert. “She cut ‘is ‘ead off clean wif an ax. All crazy-like in the eyes when she did it, too.”

In an statement released to the press, solicitors representing the royal couple said, “Rumours that Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, is directly involved in any of this weekend’s unexplained disappearing-head incidents are categorically false. Furthermore, the mysterious deaths of the girl who stole the Duchess’s then boyfriend Nigel during A-levels and of the other girl who stole the Duchess’s crayons in primary school have nothing whatsoever to do with the Duchess, Prince William, or that old bat who won’t die, the Queen.”

The killings appear to have aroused the suspicions of Scotland Yard, enough so that police inspectors reportedly questioned Middleton. Despite the presence of the victims’ blood on her royal ax and “ax-swinging blisters” on her hands, police say the Duchess is not a suspect.

Still, Chief Inspector Archibald Battle told reporters today, “We won’t tolerate any Mary, Queen of Scots nonsense. Or was it Mary Tudor? Whichever one was the ‘Bloody Mary’ one, we won’t tolerate any of that. No ‘Bloody Kates,’ in other words.”

The beheadings are just the latest controversy to dog Prince William and his new wife. British “birthers” have long claimed that Prince William and Prince Harry are imposters who killed the real William and Harry as adolescents and hid their bodies in the Tower of London. This despite Prince Charles, the boys’ father, confirming that the ones appearing on television all the time are indeed his children.

Although he has presented the results of a DNA test that proves he is the real William, the Prince continues to be called a “usurper” in some circles. He has also released dental records that show the skeletons found in the Tower belong to two peasant boys named Tiny Tim and Oliver Twist, who disappeared over a hundred and fifty years ago, and not to him and his brother.

Said Prince William in a television interview last week, “I’ll let you take an x-ray that confirms I still have my skeleton, if that helps.”

Most critics who associate themselves with the birther movement remain unconvinced.

According to Oxford University professor and expert on deluded people who refuse to change idiotic opinions even in the face on incontrovertible proof to the contrary, Sir Edmund Bollocks, these birthers “are a bunch of bleeding wankers.”

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Hey Anvil readers… Be sure to check out my latest post for Pure film Creative, in which I manage to be a sexist pig who objectifies women AND come across as homosexual at the same time. Quite a feat!

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Today’s image supplied by Sandra Tarsitano

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Posted in World News | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 31 Comments »

Superman: “All this power, and I couldn’t do Lois’ taxes.”

Posted by oldancestor on April 13, 2011

By Eric J Baker

Superman finally defeated... by the IRS! (© 2011 Mark Armstrong)

METROPOLIS – It took the U.S. tax code to do what kryptonite never could: Defeat the Man of Steel.

An anguished Superman admitted to reporters yesterday that, despite his extensive powers, he was unable to complete girlfriend Lois Lane’s 2010 tax return. “She runs a small business in another state, inherited money from overseas, collects rent from a sublet, and did some freelance writing last year,” he said. “No amount of spinning the Earth backward can undo that tax train wreck.”

Superman’s former nemesis, Lex Luthor, now a Washington D.C. lobbyist who advises members of both major parties on how to make life more miserable for ordinary citizens, said of the crime fighter’s predicament, “Muhahahahahahahahahaha!”

Lane got into her own embarrassing predicament last night when she was pulled over and arrested for suspicion of driving while intoxicated, allegedly telling the arresting officer, “Everybody lies on their tax return. Except for Mr. Perfect. He’s just got to report every [expletive deleted] penny. Candy [expletive deleted]!”

She also reportedly said, “He ain’t no man of steel either, if you know what I mean. Whoever said he’s faster than a speeding bullet must have been an ex-girlfriend.”

Indeed, it’s been a difficult several months for the superhero, who has struggled to get his political career untracked. Despite calling himself  the “tough on crime” candidate, he came in a distant third in Metropolis’s City Council election last November. Political analysts say voters were turned off when photos surfaced showing Superman wearing blue tights with red underwear on the outside. The images quickly went viral.

He’s also been dogged by accusations he was not actually born on the planet Krypton. Ultraconservative millionaire Bruce Wayne has led the charge, making frequent public demands that Superman release a copy of his Krypton birth certificate.

Wayne, who also hosts the reality show Superhero Apprentice, is a media whore who will say anything to get publicity, no matter how stupid it makes him look, as long as someone will put him on TV when he says it, so much so that he does not even know or care that his bizarre hairstyle makes him look like a repugnant, freakish buffoon, according to Daily Planet reporter Clark Kent.

“He wants proof Superman was born on Krypton,” says Kent. “Well, by golly, I want proof his parents weren’t featured extras in the movie Deliverance.”

The man of steel isn’t the only superhero having trouble making sense of America’s tax code before the April 18th filing deadline. Physicist Bruce Banner, who becomes the Incredible Hulk when angered, twice changed into the oversized green monster this week when he discovered the Internal Revenue Service would not let him claim more than three pairs of purple pants as a business expense.

When contacted by The Anvil, a spokesperson for the IRS said, “Who does he think he is, Prince?”

Yesterday, an extra-angry Hulk punched his way through the wall at IRS headquarters in Washington DC and began cramming tax forms down the throats of agency staffers. President Obama quickly arrived in a superhero uniform and put a stop to the mayhem by promising the Hulk a quick resolution to his tax problems.

“We’ve learned from dealing with Wall Street bankers that the best way to address appalling behavior is to coddle and give the perpetrator whatever he wants,” the President later told reporters at a White House press conference.

The Hulk, standing beside President Obama, added, “HULK SMASH PUNY HUMAN!”

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The Anvil gives a very special thanks to illustrator Mark Armstrong for providing today’s image. Be sure to visit Mark’s Web site to see more of his great artwork.

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 33 Comments »

Most Shocking News Stories of 2011!

Posted by oldancestor on January 1, 2011

In the year 0000, novelty glasses offered a less obstructed view

 

Baby New Year hasn’t even started on creamed carrots yet, and 2011 is already shaping up to be the most electrifying news year since 423 AD, when we forgot how to make concrete. Don’t believe it?  Then try sticking your finger in this light socket of truth:

Discovery Channel to air Tito Jackson colonoscopy

 

Cable station The Discovery Channel has cancelled the showing of a documentary about late pop singer Michael Jackson’s autopsy following complaints the show was gruesome and tasteless. In its place, station programmers have decided to air a medical special entitled “Tito Jackson: A colonoscopy.” Viewer discretion is advised.

“We promised our viewers a Jackson and a medical procedure, and that’s what they’re getting,” said Discovery Channel president Shana Plantain.

Another option programmers had considered was to exhume the remains of Andrew Jackson, America’s seventh President, on camera. However, it was later determined that an exhumation is not a medical procedure but, rather, a court order.

Sex abuse scandal rocks Jedi

 

Already plagued by bad press and plunging approval ratings, the Jedi find themselves embroiled in scandal following yesterday’s shocking allegations that certain Jedi masters routinely ‘force’ themselves on young trainees.

The quasi-religious police organization, known for renouncing physical intimacy and marriage, has often been the subject of speculation regarding just what goes on between master and pupil behind closed temple doors. But that mystery was blown wide open yesterday when ABC (Alderaan Broadcasting Company) aired a 60 Parsecs episode about a young Jedi apprentice, identified only as “Ben K,” who claims he has been living as his master’s de facto wife for the past three years.

“It all started,” says Ben, “when my master asked me, ‘You wanna polish my light saber?’”

News of the alleged abuse brought swift condemnation on the floor of the galactic senate. Said Naboo’s three-term Senator, Palpatine, “What’s wrong with these people? They take children away from their families, hand them deadly weapons, and make them wear weird robes. No wonder so many of them turn to evil.”

Congressman Pinky Middleton (D-Yavin) echoed Palpatine’s sentiments, telling reporters, “This is what happens when you privatize law enforcement. You get a bunch of egomaniacs who think they are above the law. Jedi leadership needs to oust the perpetrators if they want to save what’s left of their reputation.”

In a statement to the press this morning, Jedi grand master Yoda only said, “My own counsel will I keep on who is guilty!”

Giant glowing ball slips down pole in New York; Crowd below uninjured

 

Tourists in New York City’s Times Square neighborhood narrowly escaped death when a giant illuminated ball slid down a pole moments before midnight on Friday. A loud cheer went up from the crowd when people began to realize how lucky they were. Confetti canons, originally intended for use in a New Years celebration, were fired to show appreciation for the apparent act of divine intervention.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg praised the city’s construction workers who had earlier installed a safety stopper that prevented the five-ton ball from shattering and raining glass on unsuspecting revelers, but New York’s congressional rep Anthony Weiner said, “The thing never would have slipped in the first place if not for all these irresponsible budget cuts.”

Birther movement enters 222nd year of demanding George Washington’s birth certificate

 

A small, but vocal, group of Americans has vowed to continue its fight into an unprecedented 22nd  decade demanding proof that President George Washington was born in the United States and not some place they call, “the colonies.”

Mainstream history books claim that the nation’s first President was born in Virginia, but members of the activist organization We Are Citizens Koncerned (WACKo) are not convinced.

“Mr. Washington was born in 1732,” says WACKo chairman Larry Crank, great great great great great grandson of the group’s founder, Jeremiah Crank. “We’ve studied the literature of the day, and nowhere does the phrase ‘United States of America’ appear. Hence, he was not born in the United States.”

The US Constitution says that a President must be a natural born citizen and cannot have wooden teeth, though the second requirement is often overlooked in Washington’s case.

“That’s a different battle for a different day,” explains Crank, whose goal is to erase Washington from history. “But, now that you mention it, isn’t a little odd that President Obama refuses to provide evidence that his teeth aren’t made of wood?”

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , | 16 Comments »