Osama Bin Laden’s Dog Killed by K-9 Specials Ops Soldiers

Fido Bin Laden 2000-2011

By Eric J Baker

ISLAMABAD – U.S. forces scored a second major victory in the war on terror today when K-9 Special Operations forces killed Osama Bin Laden’s dog, Fido, at a secret compound in the mountains of Pakistan. Fido Bin Laden was thought to be Al Qaeda’s second in command after Bin Laden himself, who was killed Sunday in a separate military operation.

In the daring daytime raid on the heavily fortified kennel, K-9 soldiers lured Fido’s bodyguards outside with dog biscuits and tennis balls. With the bodyguards caught fetching, the soldiers stormed the compound and shot Fido in the head during a brief firefight.

Bin Laden’s hamster was also killed.

President Obama broke the news to Americans in a special announcement from the White House this afternoon, which was broadcast live on all the major networks and cable news channels.

“This morning at approximately 7:30 local time, American forces took another step toward closing Al Qaeda’s chapter in history. Fido Bin Laden and his owner, Osama, the twisted twins on the totem pole of terror, are dead,” the President said. “The pooch has been screwed.”

Also present at the press conference was Brigadier General Rin Tin Tin, who authorized the raid.

“Operation Bag Doggie went off without a hitch,” General Tin told members of the White House Press Corps. “We should all be proud of our canine team and what they accomplished today. The bad guys were killed with minimal collateral damage. That’s some accurate shooting. Hell, our boys don’t even have opposable thumbs!”

K-9 Special Ops is a little-known, all-dog branch of the Navy Seals that carries out covert raids involving animals. They were the team responsible for capturing international crime lord Muttley in Morocco in 2002. Muttley died in the Guantanamo Bay detention center in 2004 before he could be brought to trial.

As news of Fido’s death spreads, Americans are taking to the streets in celebration, catching Frisbees in their teeth and humping each other all across the nation.

Pinky Middleton, 38-year-old pet shop owner in Sacramento, California says he plans to have a half-price sale on dog accessories this coming Saturday from 1 to 5 p.m. “I’m calling it, ‘Dog Day Afternoon.’ Or maybe, ‘All Dogs Go to Heaven… but one.’”

Fido Bin Laden first made headlines in July of 2005 for a failed attack on then President George W. Bush, who was in Germany at the time for an economic summit. Fido managed to breach security provided by local police but was stopped by Secret Service agents. No one was injured, but Fido was able to urinate on an agent’s pant leg before escaping, which cost taxpayers over seven dollars in dry-cleaning bills.

At the time, President Bush was quoted as shouting to his fleeing assailant, “Try that in Texas, you Benji-looking son of a bastard!”

With the deaths of both Bin Ladens this week, the FBI has two vacancies on its Ten Most Wanted List. Interested terrorists can apply by calling 555-FBI LIST.

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Today’s image provided by Hanson Anderson of Weird Dude Blog (not for the easily offended). Thanks, Hanson!

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New air security threat: Projectile farting

Feds also on the lookout for “eyeball” bombers

By Eric J Baker

The burrito: Refried death?

 

WASHINGTON DC – Thousands of underwear bombers were foiled this Thanksgiving holiday at our nation’s airports, thanks to new, high-tech body scanners and good, old-fashioned hand-to-groin searches.  So, in an effort to circumvent the latest airport security screening procedures, the terrorist organization Al Qaeda has unveiled a new, low-tech weapon: Projectile farting.

“It works like this,” says the FBI’s second-most-wanted terrorist, Ayman Al-Zawahiri. “You swallow an exploding bullet, tip-first, and chase it with a cheesy beef burrito and medium Pepsi from Taco Bell. Two hours later, you’re on the plane. You drop your pants, aim at the cockpit door, and – blam! – you’re in.”

The Transportation Security Administration (TSA), the federal agency charged with protecting America’s public transportation systems and passengers, claims it has already taken steps to combat the new threat. TSA spokesperson Pat Downes said at a press conference this morning, “Effective January first, all air passengers must submit to a colonoscopy before boarding a commercial aircraft.”

He also said the food chains Taco Bell and Chipotle, both of which sell burritos, will no longer be allowed to “peddle their terrorist wares” within 15 miles of a U.S. airport.

While the Obama administration says the new measures are simply, “a necessary inconvenience,” not everyone agrees. Lawyers for the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) have filed suit against the federal government, claiming that the rules unfairly target Hispanics, working-class Americans, and white-collar workers who eat at Taco Bell but don’t like to admit it.

TSA officials are also dealing with another new threat: Eyeball bombers. While not yet as widespread as projectile farting, eyeball bombing is even more dangerous, as a glass eye packed with C4 explosive can rupture a jetliner’s fuel tank when detonated mid-flight.

In response, airport security screeners will soon be required to poke all travelers in the eyes before allowing them to board, including pilots.

TSA spokesperson Downes told reporters today, “It’s not as bad as it sounds. It’s just a quick, two-fingered jab, not some attempt to blind you. A couple minutes of watery eyes is worth the peace of mind knowing you’ll have a safe trip.”

ACLU lawyers are urging passengers to refuse the eye poke or prevent it by employing what they call a “stooge block,” which involves raising one’s hand to eye level and turning it until it is perpendicular to the face. When timed correctly, this motion has the effect of stopping the TSA agent’s fingers from making contact (see illustration below).

Protect yourself from unwanted eye poking with the "stooge block."

But travelers should be warned: Any passenger refusing the eye poke is subject to a severe beating with night sticks and a fine of up to $100,000.

Some may question if it air travel has become more trouble than it’s worth, given the nude scanners, crotch groping, anal intrusion, eye poking, beatings, and fines.

All these measures are needed, says Downes, as a reasonable and proportionate response to the thousands of terrorist bombers who attempt to board aircraft in the U.S. every day.

“If people give up air travel, then the terrorists have won,” he says. “Our goal is to preserve freedom.”

Editorial note: The Anvil apologizes for the particularly childish nature of today’s article. We promise a prompt return to the cultured, urbane material we usually present.

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New Osama Bin Laden video shows change in Al Qaeda strategy

By Eric J Baker

Bin Laden's new video, Buns of Hatred

PAKISTAN – In a new Al Qaeda video released this weekend, Osama Bin Laden delivered a message to the world: Less cardio and more strength training is the way to go.

“You’ll lose weight from strength training, believe me,” the terrorist mastermind said on the tape, just before leading a 30-minute exercise segment featuring the use of resistance bands and kick boxing with ankle weights.

Bin Laden’s views on a low-carb, high-protein diet are unchanged from previous videos.

Unfortunately for Al Qaeda, the workout tape is only available in VHS format, a factor which is likely to limit sales. In recent years, buyers of home video products have abandoned videotapes in favor of the superior picture and sound offered by DVD and Blu-ray disks. Exercise programs are even available “on demand” from cable companies or streamed via the Internet.

“These guys are so out of touch,” said Diane Getyerfreakon, spokesperson for Netflix, a popular rent-by-mail service. “It’s like they’ve been living in a cave for the past ten years.”

[Update: As this article went to press, it was learned that Ms. Getyerfreakon thought we were discussing the recent bankruptcy of Blockbuster Video, Inc. – Ed.]

When asked to respond to Getyerfreakon’s comments, an unnamed representative for Bin Laden said, “INFIDELS! YOU WILL DIE THE TEN THOUSAND FLAMING DEATHS OF HELL, AND YOUR CHILDREN’S EYE SOCKETS WILL BE RAPED BY GOATS!”

He went on to say, “Hey, man, VHS is making a comeback. Remember when the Great Satan tried so hard to make vinyl go away? Well, you can still buy a turntable. Am I wrong? I didn’t think so.”

No phone listing was found for anyone named Great Satan, but The Anvil was able to contact Evil Bastard, CEO of [classified], the shadowy conglomerate that secretly owns the home-entertainment and consumer-electronics industries, and ask him what he thought of Al Qaeda’s claim.

“The return of VHS, eh? Pretty laughable,” he said. “Those clowns can’t even hold a camcorder without shaking the sh*t out of it, so what do they know?”

Bastard added, “Still, if I want VHS to make a comeback, it will. I decide what people want and don’t want. If I say, ‘type the next paragraph in donkey language,’ you will.”

He-haw. He-haw he-haw he-haw, “He-haw he-haw he-haw he-haw he-haw.” He-haw he-haw he-haw heeeee-haaaaaw.

Al Qaeda’s once-popular fitness videos first gained attention from consumers around nine years ago with the release of the 20-minute Monkey Bar Workout, which involves swinging across a set of monkey bars in billowy cotton robes with a rifle slung across the shoulder, then running to the back of the line and doing it again. For a while, the terror organization marketed a clothing line modeled on the robes, which advertisements promised would, “wick away sweat while encouraging ventilation.”

Competition is fiercer for Al Qaeda these days. In addition to the array of home-video formats to contend with, other organizations have started producing workout videos, flooding a market that often gravitates toward the new and different.

Afghanistan’s Taliban group has already released three volumes in its popular Tali-Bo series, and Al-Qaeda-in-Iraq’s Low-Impact Insurgency has sold well. But perhaps the greatest threat to Bin Laden’s fitness video business comes from the CIA’s Predator Drone workout DVD entitled, One-second Weight Loss.

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