THE ANVIL

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Posts Tagged ‘Sean Hannity’

Michele Bachmann confesses to string of serial murders in 8 states

Posted by oldancestor on June 28, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

 

Michele Bachmann

WASHINGTON DC – Minnesota congresswoman and GOP presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann admitted to reporters today that she is the indeed the notorious serial killer “Tea Bag Tom,” who has been terrorizing residents of eight northern states for over two years. Earlier in the week, Bachmann confirmed she was recently possessed by the spirit of executed murderer John Wayne Gacy, which could be the motive behind the killing spree.

“I envision an America where personal responsibility means something,” Bachmann said just after her confession. “That’s why I’m calling on President Obama to step up and take personal responsibility for my murders.”

Since March of 2009, 20 bodies have been found across a region stretching from Montana to Illinois. Though no obvious signs of trauma were evident on the victims’ corpses, police say their faces were all frozen in a look of terror that could only be caused by hearing the phrase, “President Michele Bachmann.” Reporters began calling the then-unidentified killer “Tea Bag Tom” when all the letters on their keyboards besides a, b, e, g, m, o, and t stopped working.

“We also tried ‘A Gate Tomb’ and ‘Eat Mat Bog,’ but they just didn’t have that ‘serial killer’ ring to them,” says Pinky Middleton, an investigative reporter for the Fargo Atlantic Press in North Dakota. “Plus, the killer signed the bodies with ‘Tom was here’ and stuffed tea bags in the victims mouths, which made the decision a bit easier.”

Political pundits are divided on how the murder confession will affect Bachmann’s presidential ambitions. Sean Hannity of Fox News told his viewers today, “Who cares? The victims were all prostitutes and liberals, which is the same thing anyway. She was doing the world a favor.”

Indeed, Bachmann says, “I support freedom for all Americans who are Christian conservative white people. My so-called ‘victims’ were freedom thieves, darn it.”

Not everyone agrees that Bachmann will emerge with her election hopes intact. Keith Olbermann of Current TV, whose name also ends in ‘mann’ but starts with ‘Olber,’ told his viewer today, “I’d say she’ll burn in hell for this, but we liberals are all secretly atheists anyway, and we don’t believe in that shiznit.”

Controversial commentator Glenn Beck weighed in on the issue this evening by telling his radio listeners that Michele Bachmann is a great American. He also said President Obama is putting nano-bots into the nation’s water supply that will take over our minds and make us beat up old ladies while voting for bigger government. He also cried and advised his listeners to buy Glenn Beck brand filtered water, which is “99.9 percent nano-bot free.”  

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Hi there, Anvil readers. Words below the asterisk can only mean one thing: I’m hyping my new Pure Film Creative post entitled “The underage-sex reverse Richter scale.” In it I talk movies, art, and perversion. Artful nudity warning, but, unless you are super uptight, I doubt you’ll be offended. Click here for the story.

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Posted in Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments »

Two black men spotted at White House in possible break-in

Posted by oldancestor on May 12, 2011

By Eric J Baker

This image from a grainy security video shows the alleged burglar

WASHINGTON DC – Two unidentified African-American men were spotted on White House grounds yesterday during a poetry and spoken-word event hosted by first lady Michelle Obama. One of the intruders was described as tall and thin, with short hair and good posture, and wearing an expensive suit. The other was said to be handsome, in a bohemian rapper/poet sort of way, and both appeared to be between 40 and 50 years old.

 DC law enforcement officials are treating the incident as an attempted burglary.

The presence of the men seemed to go unnoticed until a tipster phoned local police. Authorities have not released the name of the good samaritan, but insiders speaking on condition of anonymity identify him as S. Hannity of F. News. A review of local phone directories did not turn up additional information about the caller.

White House officials would not confirm the break-in attempt and say that nothing appears to have been stolen. Video footage of the poetry event shows the suit-wearing burglar being trailed by secret service agents, who likely prevented the theft of government property.

Former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, speaking at a nearby conference for women married to former secessionists, praised the actions of police and White House security.

“Thanks to the swift actions of law enforcement officers,” said Palin, “the icky people were chased away.”

Anyone with tips on the whereabouts of the alleged criminals should call 1-800-Welcome to the 21st Century.

 

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The Anvil wishes to apologize for today’s clear left-wing media bias disguised as satire. It will probably happen again.

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Posted in Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 30 Comments »