THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Bin Laden family suing Donald Trump

Posted by oldancestor on May 8, 2011

 
The unhappy customer

By Eric J Baker

ISLAMABAD – Donald Trump, real estate magnate and possible candidate for the Republican presidential nomination in 2012, is being sued by Osama Bin Laden’s relatives for breach of contract, according to court papers filed today in Islamabad, Pakistan. Bin Laden was recently killed while living at a secret lair built by Trump’s company, Luxury Lairs, Inc.

In a statement released to the press, lawyers for Bin Laden’s family said, “Mr. Bin Laden was led to believe it was a secret lair, yet it was neither hidden inside a mountain nor disguised as a half-sunken ship or a huge magical mushroom. It was an ugly white building that any passerby could plainly see. That fact cost Mr. Bin Laden his life.”  

The Bin Ladens’ lawyers also claim the lair came with a 15-year “no infiltration” money-back guarantee – which is standard in the secret lair industry – and are seeking punitive damages.

Long considered to be world’s number one terrorist, Trump denies having promised anyone it was secret lair.

“It’s a compound,” Trump told The Anvil via telephone today. “I told them it was a compound. These people are clearly ignorant jerks who don’t know what a compound looks like. They’re stupid, ignorant people.”

Trump also said, “Show me where the words, ‘secret lair’ appear in the contract. I’m waiting.”

When told of Trump’s comments, Bin Laden’s niece, Trixie Bin Laden, said, “It’s not even a compound. It’s, like, a building. Compounds have control rooms in the basement with giant screens and computers. If this place was a compound, then CVS is a compound and so is Taco Bell.”

To get a better understanding of the legal distinction between a compound and a secret lair, we spoke with Sir Edmund Bollocks, a professor at Oxford University and expert on legal distinctions.

“Technically speaking, a secret lair must be inhabited by someone evil,” says Bollocks. “A compound merely has to have a security fence.”

But how does one decide who is evil?

Bollocks explains, “Osama Bin Laden is a jolly good example, don’t you think?”

A copy of Bin Laden’s bill of sale obtained by The Anvil seems to support Trump’s assertion. The words “secret lair” do not appear anywhere in the contract, though neither does the phrase Narcissistic Personality Disorder, despite the compound’s assets including five 20-foot-tall bronze statues of Trump as well as 18 oil paintings bearing his likeness.

The controversy over the Bin Laden family’s lawsuit is only the latest scandal to hit Trump. Just last week, it was pointed out that he is beginning to resemble your 66-year-old Aunt Gerta from Lancaster, Pennsylvania, who has never had sexual intercourse and makes her own hand-cranked sausage.

      

When asked how Trump’s business ties to Osama Bin Laden may affect his chances of being elected president in 2012, Sir Edmund Bollocks, who is also an expert on pitiful candidate pools, said, “How do one’s chances dip below the zero-percent threshold at which they already resided?”

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Dearest Anvil readers, this message will change your life: Be sure to check out my latest post for Pure Film Creative, in which I put the topic of shirtless, gay male models to rest for good! There’s also some lovely philosophical stuff and, at no extra charge, a repulsive horse head. Only at PFC!

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Today’s image supplied by Hanson Anderson at Weird Dude Blog 

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35 Responses to “Bin Laden family suing Donald Trump”

  1. nrhatch said

    Oh, this HURT to read.

    BFF is asleep so I could not laugh out loud. Stifling laughter is not my forté. Or my métier.

    A few faves:

    The controversy over the Bin Laden family’s lawsuit is only the latest scandal to hit Trump. Just last week, it was pointed out that he is beginning to resemble your 66-year-old Aunt Gerta from Lancaster, Pennsylvania, who has never had sexual intercourse and makes her own hand-cranked sausage.

    When asked how Trump’s business ties to Osama Bin Laden may affect his chances of being elected president in 2012, Sir Edmund Bollocks, who is also an expert on pitiful candidate pools, said, “How do one’s chances dip below the zero-percent threshold at which they already resided?”

    Well done!

  2. You definitely hold the Trump card.

    best ever!

  3. I was laughing out loud the whole time at this post Eric. There are too many great sentences to pick a favorite. I like this article, it is my second all time Anvil favorite, behind the Dawkins book destruction.

    I understand this blog is PG 13 so I don’t want to go into the details–but any mature woman who hand cranks sausage, doesn’t need to have intercourse to be a good lover. I should know.

    • That hand cranked sausage line was just meant to imply someone who lives a hard farm life. About an hour after I posted the aricle (several hours after I wrote it), I thought of the other meaning and started laughing.

      I figured some pervert would catch it sooner or later.

    • Mr. Baker:
      Sir , speaking as a gentleman among two gentlemen, I find the word “pervert,” if I may be so bold, as diminishing in regards to describing my general state of being, and state of moral rectitude..” How commonly base!

      It would be in good taste to at least have the decency to refer to me in the purest, infinitely more accurate, and most of all,decorous gentlemanly proper sense as:
      An “opprobrious, debauched, and dissolute rake. An incorrigible moral reprobate of a beast. One that can only be dealt with by execrating and burning in effigy.”

      I say good day to you sir.

  4. Greg Camp said

    I have to take issue with Professor Bollocks. Can you name anyone who lives in a compound who isn’t evil? I’m contemplating buying one myself, just to acquire an evil status. I’ll get the tunnel to a secret lair as an optional extra.

  5. nrhatch said

    You might be interested in this:

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/11/donald-trumps-hair-care-secret_n_860568.html?ncid=webmail

  6. The Hook said

    The Donald can’t catch a break, can he?

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