Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘Banking reform’

Foreclosure Crisis Too Boring for Fake News Journals?

Posted by oldancestor on October 14, 2010

By Lennie

Artist's rendition showing how people might appear when reading a fake news article about foreclosures

You’ve seen them on magazine covers, spread across the front pages of newspapers, and splashed all over the Internet: Articles about the Foreclosure Crisis, usually accompanied by a photograph of a lower-middle-class ranch home with a “foreclosed” sign posted on the front lawn. If you’re a self-styled fake news journalist with several pseudonyms, you may have even thought, for f**k’s sake! Are the news media so bereft of creativity that they can’t think of another way to illustrate an article on this subject?

Whether you’re a fake news writer or not, you probably haven’t said, “Damn, the foreclosure crisis is a goldmine of comedy. It’s like a sopping-wet humor sponge waiting to be squeezed.”

[And if you’re a fake news writer who created a simile using the phrase ‘sopping-wet humor sponge,’ you probably shouldn’t be allowed near a computer keyboard ever again – Ed.]

That’s right. Foreclosure crises and comedy go together like Bill O’Reilly and Whoopi Goldberg (how’s that for topical, boss?). [whatevs – Ed.]  In fact, the last funny person who had anything to do with foreclosures was the late, great Bernie Mac who, along with Fannie Mae, lent craploads of money to people for mortgages they couldn’t afford, or something like that.

“I wouldn’t do a foreclosure article,” says Eric J Baker, head writer for the online fake news journal, The Anvil. “Not even using a false name. Financial stuff is always dull.”

Angry Pink Bunny, head writer for rival fake news journal, The Avocado, agrees. “I’d write a freaking article on filibusters before I touch foreclosure humor, if there even were such a thing. Not only is it boring, but people are sick of hearing about it.”

But what about Comedy Central’s Jon Stewart, whose popular fake news program, The Daily Show, has touched on the subject numerous times?

“Don’t mention that name in my presence ever again,” bristles Bunny. “He needs a staff of hundreds to do what I do by myself. And he steals my jokes. Is he reading this? HEY, STEWART! I’M GUNNING FOR YOU. DO YOU HEAR ME, HOT SHOT? I GOT YOU IN MY CROSS HARES. PUN FREAKING INTENDED!”

Baker takes a more philosophical view.

“Jon Stewart isn’t fake news,” he says. “The Onion is fake news. The Anvil is fake news, only a lot more clever. Jon Stewart is real news, done with humor.”

To test Baker’s assertion, I decided to watch a full week’s worth of The Daily Show broadcasts. My intention was to determine if Stewart makes up events and creates false quotes or merely mocks various news broadcasters and politicians by playing video clips and offering wry commentary afterward. Then I remembered I don’t have cable.

Which is just as well, because my editor said I am only allowed 513 words per article and if I go over that amount I have to pay 10 cents per word. I just hope I have enough words left to tell you who really shot John F Kennedy. You won’t believe this, but it was



Editorial note: The Anvil wishes to apologize to our readers for today’s Angry Pink Bunny image, which looks more like an angry pink cat in a bunny costume. We promise to do better next time.

Posted in Editorial | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »

A round-up of the week’s most explosively super-unbelievable news stories!

Posted by oldancestor on August 5, 2010

Editorial note: It makes us sick that we have to do all this work rounding up and writing, and all you have to do is sit there clicking away without a care in the world, you lazy do nothings. Oh well. I guess someone has to write this junk. Here are your top stories of the week…

The Facts in the Case of M. Student Volunteer


BP service station takes 4 months to stop oil leak in guy’s car!


RANDOM, MN – A Minnesota man claimed this week that a BP gas station 70 miles west of Bloomington has had his 1999 Mitsubishi Gallant on a lift since April 20th, trying to repair an oil leak.

“It’s ridiculous,” says the man, 41-year-old Stanley Man’s-Laughter. “How hard is it to fix an oil leak? I’ve paid almost 6,000 dollars in car rental fees waiting for these guys.”

When reached for comment, the station’s owner, Tariq Azziz, said, “It’s hard to say how long it will take. It could be the oil pan. It could be the valve-cover gasket. Maybe the filter is loose. We just don’t know yet.”

The vehicle’s owner says he’s had enough.

“Why does this always happen to me? Nobody cares about me. I feel invisible. I want to scream ‘I AM STAN!’ at the top of my lungs. Does anyone care?”

Before we went to press, Man’s-Laughter dropped the apostrophe and hyphen from his name and went on a crazed shooting spree at the mall. Details at 11:00!


Scientists discover how to have cake and eat it too!


PRINCETON, NJ – Physicists at Princeton University have finally conquered a challenge that has daunted man for centuries: How to have your cake and eat it too.

Employing principles of Quantum Mechanics, researchers were able to ‘create’ a slice of black-forest double-strawberry cake (with whipped-cream icing) in a Dirac Wave Chamber at the exact moment the same slice of cake was being eaten by a student volunteer seated across the room.

“This is the first time something larger than a subatomic article has been able to exist in two places at once,” explains lead researcher Herbert West, who heads the Quantum Physics department at Princeton. “The doppelganger cake only existed for about a third of a second, but we’ll extend that time as we conduct more experiments. One day, you’ll be able to visit your mother-in-law and stay home to watch the game at the same time. What do you think of that?”

While that sounds enticing, it may not happen in our lifetimes. The Dirac Chamber, once switched on, causes anyone in the same room to liquefy within 15 seconds.

“Admittedly a drawback,” laughs Dr. West.

West is looking for a new student volunteer, so those who are interested should contact the university’s Physics office.


Banks finally reform into new shape: A raised middle finger


WASHINGTON, DC – Federal Reserve System engineers studying computer models have determined that the recently passed Banking Reform Law is causing the nation’s banking system to reform into a shape resembling a hand with a middle finger raised.

“We were afraid this would happen,” said an employee inside the Fed who declined to give his name. “But the numbers don’t lie. I swear I heard my computer laugh and say ‘f*ck y*u’ to me when it happened.”

In other economic news, yacht and mansion sales are brisk despite an allegedly poor consumer-confidence index, stagnant wages, and high unemployment.



Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , | 6 Comments »

1000-pound man “Too Big to Fail” in hot-dog-eating contest

Posted by oldancestor on May 13, 2010



By Eric J Baker


Little-known fact: Hot dogs are similar to snowflakes in that no two are alike

BILOXI, MS – The eyes of the world turn toward Biloxi, Mississippi this week for the 15th Annual Hot-Dog-Eating World Championship, where American star Lloyd “Jabba” Banks is an extremely heavy favorite to take home the trophy. But before Banks can gorge himself on the sweet taste of victory, he’ll have to hold off defending world champion Haruo Nakajima of Japan. Though Nakajima weighs only 99 pounds (or, as the Japanese say, “7 stone”), he chewed up the world record last year by consuming 201 hot dogs during the 20-minute contest.

Banks, who obliterates the scales at 1000 pounds, isn’t worried.

“I set a world eating record every single day, but none of you skinny f**ks is there to see it,” he said, gnawing on an ostrich drumstick. “I’m going to crush the competition. Literally. I’m going to sit on the little bastard.”

Other competitors include German champion Helga Deutschbag and New Jersey governor Chris Christie, though neither is likely to pose a serious threat to Banks.

However, the hype around this year’s event is being overshadowed by controversy.

Recently uncovered documents show that Banks’ trainers diverted food meant for the malnourished into the heavyweight’s stomach. Banks then traded the surplus food for candy bars, which turn out to be full of empty calories.

If that weren’t enough of a black eye for the contest, the Obama administration widened the plus-sized scandal last week when it installed a giant door into Bank’s New Orleans house.

“Well, it looks like the fat get fatter,” said protester Pinky Middleton from a rally in front of the Capitol Building in Washington DC. “My front door lock has been broken for months and I have to trust that stupid chain. When’s the federal government going to fix my door?”

President Obama commented on the controversy in his weekly radio address this past Saturday.

“Look. I know Americans are struggling with their own doors,” said the President, “but think what will happen if Mr. Banks is disqualified because he can’t get outside. It may be 10 years before the United States wins another hot-dog-eating championship.”

Republicans in Congress accuse the president of playing the “fat card.”

Said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “What do you expect of a president who has his hand in the pie industry’s pocket?”

When reached for comment in Tokyo, reigning champ Nakajima said, “Watashi wa Haruo desu. Ogenki desu ka?”  

Banks was incensed after being told of Nakajima’s comments.

“That little son of a b***h! I’m gonna rip out his guts and show him the black stuff he’s got inside!” he growled.

When told Nakajima’s comments roughly translate as, My name is Haruo. How are you, the heavyweight said, “Oh.”

Banks is currently en route to the site of the contest and should arrive tomorrow. He’s being floated by barge.

Posted in World News | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

Dictionaries to start including pictures, will use Goldman-Sachs CEO’s face to illustrate “asshat”

Posted by oldancestor on April 28, 2010



By Eric J Baker


NEW YORK – In a move that has sent shockwaves through the industrialized world, publishers and mortal enemies Merriam-Webster and Oxford have teamed up to create an all-new type of dictionary that will bring major changes to the way English speakers look up words.

The companies announced at a press conference yesterday they will begin printing dictionaries with pictures in order to enhance the understanding of terms.

“With the rapid degradation of cognitive faculty across all facets of society,” said Oxford president Sir Henry Oxford-Benaventure-Hastings, “we’re compelled to acquiesce to this retrograde progression and will begin incorporating images to abet the intellectually impaired in comprehending heretofore simple words that dare breach the monosyllabic boundary.”

After spouting that and more mumbo jumbo none of us was able to understand, Sir Oxford-Benaventure-Hastings showed reporters a galley copy of the upcoming edition. The consensus among those present was the changes were “nice.”

The publishers admit the initiative was fraught with challenges.

“We asked ourselves, ‘How do we illustrate the word asshat?’” said Miriam Merriam, granddaughter of somebody dead. “Initially we were thinking ‘John Edwards,’ but I did sleep with him a couple times, so that would make running into him at a party even weirder than it already is.”

Merriam-Webster and Oxford finally decided Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein’s image should grace that entry.

“We can’t imagine anyone disagreeing,” said Merriam. “Not even his mother.”

Reporters who rushed to look up “pussy” and “tit” were greeted by the image of a cat and a tiny mirror, respectively.

Though news of the changes sparked rejoicing in the streets, church bells ringing day and night, and the declaration of an international holiday that will dwarf Christmas in popularity, not everyone was pleased.

“This is the final nail in the coffin of dictionary integrity,” laments angry weirdo Pinky Middleton. “It all started with the inclusion of definitions. The root word of ‘dictionary’ is ‘diction,’ which means ‘pronunciation.’ It’s not called a ‘definitionary,’ is it?”

Middleton says he plans to self-immolate tomorrow along with his 1853 first printing of Oxford’s Book of English Diction, Queen Victoria Edition. Flowers can be sent to the Barking Pig Funeral Home in Dorkchester, West Essex, England.

Cleveland, Ohio native Bucky Weederman was more enthused.

“I’ve been joking that pictures of people’s faces are next to things in the dictionary for years,” says Weederman. “Now they won’t be able to say, ‘You freaking dumb-ass, there ARE no pictures in the dictionary.’”

It should be noted they will still be able to punch him in the face.

The 2011 edition of Oxford-Webster’s New International Enhanced Dictionary goes on sale in September. It will be 9000 pages and weigh 55 pounds, and it is expected to carry an MSRP of $499.99 in the United States.

Posted in World News | Tagged: , , | 6 Comments »