Horoscope Horror! Feds Privatize the Zodiac
Posted by oldancestor on July 18, 2010
WHAT DOES IT MEAN FOR YOU? SEE YOUR NEW ASTROLOGICAL SIGN BELOW AND FIND OUT!
In an effort to trim the budget deficit, the federal government announced it will eliminate the Department of Zodiac, effectively putting thousands of licensed astrologers out of work and ending the era of industry regulation and oversight. With the massive, 800-billion-dollar spending cut comes other changes as well. For starters, each sign will have a new icon. Say “Bye” to the Bull. “Adios” to the Archer. “Sayonara” to the Scorpion. “Adieu” to the-
[Just get on with it – Ed.]
Which brings to mind one simple question: How many will die because of this?!!
Deficit hawks in our nation’s capital are gloating this morning, but will they be all smiles when the bodies begin to pile up? Because that’s what will happen when unlicensed, back-alley “zodiaticians” start peddling their snake oil, dishing out mindless drivel that, at best, bears no relationship to actual Zodiac science. And that dishing will commence, oh, any minute now.
So what can you do to stay safe in this perilous new era of deregulation and back sliding into sheer quackery? You can get your Lennie-approved Horoscope right here at the Anvil! Don’t be fooled by imitations. Here goes:
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Old icon: Ram
New icon: Bizarre alien life form we can’t understand
Since you tend to be impulsive, you’re at risk of stabbing your lover with a butcher knife. Don’t, because you also tend to do poorly with prison life. Next Thanksgiving, go to Chili’s and get a nacho platter or something else that doesn’t require sharp utensils to eat. And don’t forget to take your meds.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Old icon: Bull
New icon: Car
You are going to have a lot of health problems this year. You thought everything was fine after they took out your gallbladder and did your knee replacement, but it’s only the beginning. Your shoulder is going next, followed by your eyesight. It’s frustrating because you aren’t that old and you’ve already spent a lot of money on maintenance. And with that long stride and size 12 shoes, you wonder why that little Japanese guy can run farther and faster and seems like he’ll last a lot longer.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Old icon: Twins
New icon: Sextuplets
You crave stardom, but you never bothered to learn how to do anything interesting. Your parents and friends say, “Why does someone who wants to be famous spend so much time watching TV and eating junk food?” The truth is, you just like watching TV and eating junk food. You figure you could easily be on one of those reality shows. Which is true, but haven’t you ever heard of pride?
Cancer (June 21 to July 22)
Old icon: Crab
New icon: Lobster
You’re kinda set in your ways, which, frankly, makes you boring. That’s why no one calls you. You never want to try anything new. Netflix isn’t the whole world, you know. The good news is you will be rescued from your doldrums by a handsome stranger who saw your couch on Craig’s List. Unfortunately, he will give you food poisoning the first time he cooks you dinner, and thereafter you will think of diarrhea whenever you see his face. This horoscope is true even if you are a heterosexual man, so that ought to make you reevaluate your life, eh?
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Old icon: Lion
New icon: A wedge of Swiss cheese
You will suffer abject humiliation when you go on Dr. Oz to talk about your farting problem. Dude, what did you expect? It’s a TV show. Did you think your co-workers wouldn’t DVR it? To make matters worse, you will unintentionally say something so hysterically embarrassing that it becomes a pop-culture-smash clip they play at least twice on every single episode of E!’s The Soup for the next two years. Not to mention the 5 million YouTube hits.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Old icon: Virgin
New icon: Stripper pole
I hate to say this, but you’re the reason they can’t use the Virgin icon anymore. Maybe you should have started getting the hint when the bartender at TGI Friday’s gave you that “Take a number” dispenser. The worst part is yet to come: You know Jesse at Wal-mart, with only one tooth and the yellow spandex biking shorts? I’m going to let you take a minute to think about why I asked that. And when that tiny light bulb goes on over your head and you say, “No way. Not on a million years,” I’m going to say, “Yes way. This summer.” Book it.
Libra (September 23- October 22)
Old icon: Scales
New icon: Scales, but like on a monster
No, your dream of being called on stage to play drums for Rush because Neil Peart got the flu will not come true this year either. Neither will your dream of moving out of your mom’s basement. But truthfully, you don’t really want either of those things to happen, do you? What if you got up on stage and realized you had no pants on? How embarrassing. And where else will you get free cable and all the Doritos and wild cherry Pepsi you could ever drink? No, you’re sitting pretty, when you think about it, and will continue to do so. Thumbs up.
Scorpio (October 23 to November 21)
Old icon: Scorpion
New icon: Jack Nicholson in The Shining
Your planet is Neptune and unfortunately, Neptune is going to get smashed by a giant asteroid this year. Don’t worry, no one lives on Neptune (as far as we know), but whatever happens to Neptune happens to you. It won’t be an asteroid of course. If a giant asteroid hits your head, it’s pretty much going to hit a lot of people’s heads. I was thinking more like a small lead ball being thrown from atop a skyscraper. Just big enough to poke through the top of your skull and shoot out the bottom. So don’t go see the big Christmas tree in New York this year, like you were planning. Sometimes you can beat this Zodiac business if you’re smart.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Old icon: the Archer
New icon: A can of Raid
The Shining is your favorite movie, and you will be pissed when you find out Scorpios have the new Shining icon and you missed it by less than a month. This always happens to you. Remember when you thought your Chinese Zodiac symbol was a dragon? You thought that was so cool that you started studying Buddhism and practicing Zen and all that. Then you realized you were looking at some lunar calendar baloney and your symbol was actually a rat. Stop asking your parents if they wrote the wrong month on your birth certificate application. They didn’t. You are a Sagittarius. Suck it up.
Capricorn (December 22 to January 19)
Old icon: Goat
New icon: A drop of antifreeze (the green kind, not the orange)
You thought you were cool because Jesus was a Capricorn too, though, somewhere in the back of your mind, you knew believing in the Zodiac wasn’t very Christian. Then, in school, they taught you Jesus was probably born some time in March, perhaps six years earlier than our calendar suggests. That left you feeling hollow, bitter, and betrayed, so much so that you became an atheist. Then you met the girl of your dreams and she taught you that you can’t make that kind of choice based on spite or anger. It has to be a rational decision, one way or the other. You may be grateful to her for helping you, but I have to tell you: She’s cheating on you with the guy who installed your attic fan. By the way, this horoscope is especially confusing if you’re a woman.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Old icon: Water carrier
New icon: An angry pink bunny
You were jazzed when you found out your planet was Venus. Venus being the goddess of love and all that. Then you joined NASA and trained for 10 years, determined to become the best they had. How could they say no when you volunteered for the Venus trip? It’s your damn planet, after all. And they did choose you, like you knew they would. Then you got there and found out it’s 900 degrees Fahrenheit and rains liquid metal. What you wouldn’t give for a nice, cold drink right about now. A nice, tall, cold glass of ice water. Mmmmmm. I’m drinking mine right now. Ahhh. That’s refreshing.
Pisces (February 20 to March 20)
Old icon: Fish
New icon: Field and Stream magazine
Your planet used to be Pluto, but you dodged a bullet when you whimsically changed it to Saturn a week before Pluto was demoted to dwarf planet. But much like in a Final Destination movie, you can’t escape your destiny. You will be demoted at work. I’d say I feel bad for you, but perhaps you should not have looked at all than online porn when you were supposed to be filing invoices.