Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘Geico’

Scientists say cavemen were disgusting

Posted by oldancestor on June 12, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake


The chicken: Victim or Accomplice?



NEW YORK – A team of archeologists at New York’s Columbia University announced today that cavemen were disgusting. The discovery was made after the researchers did research.


“Humans who lived in the first agricultural societies about 10,000 years ago had some repulsive eating habits,” said Dr. Doug Bones, who led the project. “Can you believe they actually monitored the menstrual cycle of captive hens [female chickens] and devoured the animals’ output? They even used the stuff for cooking prehistoric pancakes.”


The scientists were able to piece the evidence together after unearthing stone frying pans and spatulas alongside early boxes of Bisquick.


Dr. Bones adds, “What do you expect from people who were too lazy to write anything down, forcing folks like me to spend our precious time digging in dirty fields instead of playing golf?”


When asked if it was appropriate for reporters to call these early farmers ‘cavemen,’ Bones said, “Don’t be stupid. They didn’t live in caves. You’re thinking of Neanderthals, a human subspecies that died out thousands of years beforehand. But if it makes your trashy headline more lurid, go for it.”


So what caused the Neanderthals to perish while our ancestors thrived?


“Did I say they died out? I meant to say they became reporters,” Dr. Bones explains.


Scientists aren’t the only ones who think eating a hen period is disgusting. Sunny Sydupp, who owns Sunny’s House of Omelets in Muncie, Indiana says, “So you mean this stuff came out of a chicken’s you-who-what and then they ate it? That doesn’t go over easy with me.”


Disgusting? Science says "yes"

Sydupp’s business partner, Meg Benedict, adds, “Are we talking about those guys on the Geico commercial? Ew. I knew they were perverts.”


Adding to the mystery is why a South American university, Columbia, is located in New York City.


Oxford professor and expert on weird university names, Sir Edmund Bollocks, says, “I think you’re confusing Columbia with Colombia. One has a ‘u’ and the other has an ‘o,’” which makes him look like a pompous jerk, since we can obviously tell our vowels apart.


When asked if he was willing to say something topical about the Anthony Weiner photo scandal, Sarah Palin’s e-mails, or Tracy Morgan’s homophobic rant to help this story draw more clicks, he said, “No.”

Lady Gaga?




Posted in Science | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 23 Comments »

Exclusive: Geico ad exec has Multiple Personality Disorder

Posted by oldancestor on April 24, 2010



By Eric J Baker


MARYLAND – Talking amphibians. Stacks of money with eyeballs. Guys in suits staring at the camera and asking questions intoned like a 1940s film-noir detective.

Oh, and Cavemen. Lots and lots and lots of cavemen.

If you’ve watched TV in the past five years, you may have found yourself wondering three things:   

1.) How many companies are called “Geico,” because no sane advertising director would run 300 ad campaigns for the same product, would he?  

2.) If I were going to switch my car insurance to Geico, wouldn’t I have done it by now?   

3.) If it turns out the people on Lost have been dead all this time, how pissed will I be?

Now, it seems, the first question has been answered.

Paul Nutz, Geico’s Director of Advertising, has been diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD). This, coupled with an apparently unlimited budget and absolutely no management oversight, might explain why an estimated seven million Geico commercials run every minute of every day in the United States.

Nutz’s personal physician, Dr. Ed “Too Tall” Jones, who wishes to remain anonymous, says, “I can confirm he suffers from this horrible condition.”

He also says, “Of course, this is totally off the record. If [Geico executives] find out I talked to you, I’ll be killed.”

When we called Nutz’s office in Maryland, a ‘little girl named Gigi’ answered.

“I think little green geckos are soooo cute,” she squeaked. “I love them!”

When pressed for documentation on the ad campaign’s cost-to-return ratio, ‘Gigi’ said, “My mommy says I’m not supposed to talk to strangers.”

Later, when we called Nutz’s office again, ‘Brad’ answered, claiming to be a college freshman studying on a lacrosse scholarship. “Dude, cavemen RAWK!” was all he was willing to say in response to questions about the company’s future marketing plans.

Despite so many high-profile sufferers of Multiple Personality Disorder, including Nutz, all politicians, and most women, little is known about the condition.

“MPD is caused by,” says psychologist Mark Drab, before I turned my recorder off because I was bored.

“You know,” says Geico customer service rep Pinky Middleton on a topic irrelevant to this article, “There’s nothing special or cool or hip about this place. It’s an office building where we sell insurance. That’s it. I promise you there are no funny cavemen running around here.”

Leaning over from the next cubicle, Middleton’s coworker Betty Fingerbang adds, “There are no funny cavemen anywhere.”

One can only assume she was offering a wry comment mocking her company’s humor-starved Caveman ads.

Later, Nutz contacted The Anvil to offer an apology for his behavior.

“I’m sorry about before, with the voices and the personalities,” he said. “Sometimes I forget to take my meds.”

Then, switching to a French accent, he said, “This is inspector Jacques Bordeaux and I am about to reveal the murderer. It’s someone standing IN THIS VERY ROOM!”

‘Bordeaux’ went on to explain Geico’s next commercial, to be run concurrently with the 227 different ones already airing, which will feature a French detective. He also promised a 24-hour all-Geico-commercial cable channel, a new HBO series starring the little pile of money with eyeballs (get ready for those fat royalty checks, Rockwell), and a new 3D blockbuster movie about Geckos selling insurance.

When we attempted to contact Dr. Jones to find out who the real Nutz is, his receptionist said the doctor had gone missing.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , | 4 Comments »