Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘science’

Scientists PROVE that you’re always right and everyone who disagrees with you is an idiot

Posted by oldancestor on May 28, 2010

Go ahead. Leave that insulting internet comment trashing this article’s writer or the person who commented before you. And do so with a feeling of righteousness. You earned it.


By Eric J Baker



PRINCETON – Researchers at Princeton University say they’ve found definitive proof no one knows what the hell they’re talking about but you. Results of the comprehensive study appear in this week’s issue of American Science Journal.

Says behavioral scientist Dr. Hans Gruber, who led the project, “Our findings clearly show that people who don’t agree with you are indeed mindless fools brainwashed by any number of agenda-driven entities such as the left-wing media, the right-wing media, the Obama administration, the Bush administration, crappy sports writers, oil companies, vegetarians, and Star Trek or Star Wars, depending on which you think is superior.”

Knee-jerk reactionaries across the nation rejoiced at the news.

“Finally, the ammo I need to shut those [expletive] morons up once and for all,” says internet user Pinky Middleton, who claims to have posted over 800,000 angry, all-caps comments on Yahoo. “I’ve been telling people I don’t have to learn anything about a subject to be an expert, and this proves I’m right. But I knew that.”

Liberals and conservatives were quick to claim victory. In a rare joint appearance yesterday, MSNBC’s ranting Obama lover Keith Olbermann and Fox News’ ranting Obama hater Sean Hannity pointed at each other and said, in unison, “See, I told you he was an idiot.”

Perhaps the greatest beneficiary is former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, who no longer has to hurt her brain trying to find countries on a map or struggle to answer questions meant for a five-year-old.

“It’s the end of gotcha journalism,” said a visibly jubilant Palin. “[Expletive] you, Katie Couric.”  

Palin also said that, going forward, she will drop all references to reality from her speeches.

News of the study quickly resonated beyond the world of politics.

Militant atheist and prolific author Richard Dawkins said last night on HBO’s Real Time with Bill Mahar, “Once again, science proves that religious people are sniveling, groping, mindless stooges with nary a brain cell to share between them. In fact, they are so wretchedly stupid that I’m going to write another book about genetics. They are soooo dumb I am forced to explain to them every stillborn thought rotting inside their little shrunken-apple heads.”

A frustrated Dawkins went on to say he can’t understand why he has yet to convert a single religious person to atheism.

In response, some random evangelical guy said, “God wanted him to say that. Now excuse me while I go cherry pick one or two slivers of scientific data, wholly out of context, to prove the Earth is only 6000 years old.”   

So, do the results of Princeton University’s study mean the end of irrefutable facts?

“Only a brainwashed idiot would ask a question like that,” says Dr. Gruber. “What? Did you go to Harvard or something? Yale?”

He went on to say, “Moron.”

Posted in Science | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

Scientists SLAM Gilligan’s Island

Posted by oldancestor on May 14, 2010



By Eric J Baker

This is all that remains of Gilligan's Island today, thanks to rising ocean levels.

NEW YORK – A team of concerned scientists from North America and Europe are at the United Nations this week, hoping to draw the world’s attention to critical scientific inaccuracies depicted in the television show Gilligan’s Island, which aired from 1964-67. An article detailing their 35-year-long study is to be published simultaneously in several academic science journals next month.
“We first became suspicious in 1975, watching reruns, when we noticed some elements of the show just didn’t ring true,” said researcher Brian Oblivion of Cambridge University in England. “Particularly the sequence where Gilligan floats after entering a helium-filled cave. It’s important to understand the distinction between the effects of helium and anti gravity on the human body.”

Oblivion fears for the safety of future astronauts, should NASA or some other space agency rely on the program’s faulty science when sending people to the moon or beyond.

“That show is whack,” he said.

Professor Emmett Brown of Hill Valley University, who led the research project until his shooting death in 1985, once famously quipped, “Stupid is as Gilligan’s Island does.”

Though most people involved in the production of Gilligan’s Island are deceased or in prison, lead technical consultant Buddy Little, 77, said all the criticism has stung him emotionally.

“Not only that,” he adds, “it hurts my feelings.”

Little showed reporters a coconut lie detector, one of many props from the show he keeps in his house.

“Most people don’t know this is a working lie detector,” he explains, putting it on his head. “Go ahead; ask me if it’s a working lie detector.”

Flashing green light or no, Dr. Oblivion from Cambridge is not convinced.

“Now, take a show like Lost,” he says, “There’s a reason that show is critically acclaimed and Gilligan’s Island is derided. Lost is painstaking in its scientific accuracy.”

For readers who are unfamiliar, Lost takes place on an unnamed island that is able to travel through time and space at the turn of a horizontally deposed wheel. The island also cures paralysis and cancer and is inhabited by supernatural beings, people who never age, and a malevolent smoke demon that can shape-shift into human form. Characters deploy hydrogen bombs without injury and, in the process, create alternate universes.

The show was originally called Jacob’s Island, but producers changed it to Lost in an effort to distance the production from its gilliganous predecessor.

To date, few people have been willing to speak out about TV’s other popular island-themed program, Survivor, though former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin has been quoted as saying the producers rely on “junk science” to tell the Lord-of-the-Flies inspired tale. 

Viewers may need to prepare themselves for yet another show featuring people on an island. An unnamed reporter is said to be pitching a one-off reality special to several networks in which Palin, Jon and Kate Gosselin, the cast of Jersey Shore, and Heidi Montag are killed and eaten by crocodiles in the first five minutes.

Posted in Science | Tagged: , , , , | 6 Comments »

Stocks tumble after Earth is destroyed in supercollider mishap

Posted by oldancestor on May 12, 2010


By Eric J Baker


President Obama's ship surveys the black hole that was once our planet

NEW YORK – The Stock Market closed 600 points lower yesterday following news of an incident at the Large Hadron Supercollider in Switzerland. The drop is just the most recent example of market volatility that has plagued the NYSE this year and may prompt a Securities and Exchange Commission investigation.

Yesterday’s trouble began in the Supercollider control room when an employee, whose name has not been released, pushed the big red button on the main console. Witnesses say he tripped on a rubber floor mat and his hand inadvertently struck the cylindrical plunger, causing the Supercollider to fire.

The Earth was consumed by the ensuing black hole.

At a press conference later in the day, a beleaguered spokesperson for CERN, the organization that built the atom-smashing device, said, “The button was clearly marked ‘do not press under any circumstances,’ so what do you want me to say?”

She did promise a full investigation before declining further questions from reporters.

The S&P 500 and Dow Jones plunged precipitously as news of the disaster spread, and commodities trading was down.

“Anytime the unemployment rate goes from 9.8 percent to 100 percent, you’re going to see instability in the market,” said economist Nicolas Cage. “I’m advising people to look at real estate on the moon and Mars as the safest investment right now.”

Wall Street banking and investment executives acted swiftly in the face of the crisis, issuing themselves ten-million-dollar bonuses.

“My main goal is to financially rape ordinary citizens and do whatever possible to further destroy the country that gave me the opportunity to get this wealthy in the first place,” said executive Lou Ciphers, apparently not realizing he was wearing a Truth Helmet.      

Markets rebounded slightly at the end of the day when investors became aware the financial crisis in Greece no longer existed, nor did the country that spawned it.

President Obama, touring the wreckage of Earth in Spaceship One, declared the United States a pile of dust and called for a bipartisan effort to stabilize the economy.

“I will also introduce a new jobs bill,” said the President, “focusing on moon-colony construction. It’s time to get Americans back to work.”

Activists quickly took sides, with leftists demanding a moratorium on dark side of the moon oil drilling until the potential for wind-turbine energy can be assessed. Right wingers countered by calling Earth’s former satellite “a big ball of socialist government cheese” and declaring that protection from the sun’s radiation is unconstitutional.  

Stocks are expected to open higher today on news of rapid hiring in the gravity-boot industry.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

Editorial: It’s time to embrace Global Warning

Posted by oldancestor on May 7, 2010



By Lennie

Al Gore thinks he's hiding in Canada, but it's only a MAP of Canada. Duh.

World, wake up. While we all squabble over petty issues like wars, joblessness, and, most ridiculously, the environment (What is an environment anyway? Can you tell me what one is shaped like or what color it is? Didn’t think so), a giant rock is floating out there in space somewhere with Earth’s name on it.

Note: I don’t mean the asteroid is called “Earth.” That would be dumb. And confusing.

When that rock hits, it will make… something really big that happened seem insignificant by comparison. Remember the movie Armageddon? Imagine that, only (SPOILER ALERT) the good guys don’t destroy the asteroid at the end. It. Destroys. Us.

Yet, somehow, most of the world’s scientists are against Global Warning! That makes science the lamest thing ever. In fact, they warn us about it. If that’s not irony, I don’t know what is.

Note: Is it irony? I’m seriously asking, because I’m not sure.

My uncle Moe says there is a 114% chance the Earth will be struck by an asteroid sometime in the next 100 years, because they hit us once every 65 million years, and that’s exactly how long ago the dinosaurs were killed by the last one. But Uncle Moe isn’t a scientist, so we shouldn’t listen to him and just let the asteroid hit us. Right?

Sure, Global Warning will be expensive (at least a hundred bucks), but think of the benefits. Obviously, if the whole world knows an asteroid is coming, we can band together and build a giant missile to shoot it down before it’s too late. Hell, you can have the parts from my Chevy if that’ll help (the one in the barn, the ‘79 Nova, not my Cobalt).

Some may think this far fetched, but I saw a movie once (Invasion of the Astro Monster) about a planet, called X (really, it was called X. That’s not a placeholder I forgot to take out), that was right behind Jupiter, but we couldn’t see it because Jupiter is so big. Though, to tell the truth, Jupiter doesn’t look that big in photographs. Maybe if they had someone stand next to it… Anyway, the seemingly friendly aliens from X ended up invading Earth. Wouldn’t Global Warning give us a fighting chance at least?

I tried to contact former presidential candidate Al Gore, public enemy number one, and offer him the chance to write a counterpoint but, not surprisingly, he did not take my call (because he’s chickenpoop).

Anyway, write your local senator and demand Global Warning today!

Opinionoid: Asteroids travel at 10 times the speed of light, obliterating everything in their paths

Opinionoid: The cost of Global Warning is easily offset if you do some math

Opinionoid: The moon is there to block asteroids, and it’s done a pretty damn good job so far, don’t you think? Look at all the craters. That could have been your face.

Note: My editor tells me that it’s called Global Warming, but I told him there’s no such thing. He said he was going to run my editorial anyway, to show the world what a idoit I am. Well, who’s the idoit now, boss?

About the writer: Lennie is a moron who runs a one-man commercial dandelion farm and waits for the postal truck to come every day so he can ask for a free rubber band.

Posted in Editorial | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

Study shows tinfoil hats DO protect against government conspiracies

Posted by oldancestor on May 4, 2010



By Eric J Baker


Former Vice President Dick Cheney behind bars

PRINCETON – It turns out that hats constructed of tinfoil do indeed help wearers avoid being fooled by government conspiracies, according to a Princeton University study published in the American Journal of Science this week. There had long been anecdotal evidence to suggest as much, but this is the first hard scientific data that appears to confirm the belief.

In the study, researchers had volunteers do some stuff while grad students wrote it down and compared things. The results were startling.  

“We tried many variations, and we found the most effective barrier against secret mind-control waves is two layers of tinfoil with a thin, even spread of mayonnaise between,” said Dr. Herbert West, the lead researcher. “Any thicker and the wearer’s own psychic energy cannot evaporate properly, sometimes leading to schizophrenic-like behavior.”

Reaction on fake college campuses was mixed.

“How do we know it’s not a trick?” said Pinky Middleton, a University of Phoenix Online junior majoring in abnormal psychology. “How can WE trust THEM when THEY’RE the ones controlling the message? I wouldn’t be surprised if the tinfoil actually acts as a conductor, turning the wearer into a soulless automaton ready to do the bloodthirsty bidding of malevolent government overlords.”

Middleton declined to be interviewed further when voices told him we were eleven demons named William Howard Taft. However, he was willing to write a note stating the rest of his answer will appear in his manifesto. The 21-year-old then began wrapping himself in Glad Press ‘n Seal.

In contrast, London-based author and anthropologist Mr. Gruber was encouraged by the study’s findings.

“This will make an excellent addition to my book, The World and its Wonders,” he said.

But will the recent discovery resonate beyond the stately lecture halls and grassy fields of academe? Some think it already has.

Two Washington lawmakers, Barney Palpatine (R-AZ) and Todd Maul (D-CA) have formed a bipartisan group called Senators in Tinfoil Hats (SiTH) and say they plan to create a clone army restore order to the US Senate. 

“@&^$*# tinfoil!” said former Vice President Dick Cheney, who’s currently serving a 35-year sentence at Maryland State Penitentiary for masterminding the September 11th, 2001 bombing of the Pentagon.

“We were this close to getting away with it, but that twerp Middleton with his tinfoil hat had to rat us out.”

Americans may recall that then Vice-President Cheney detonated a bomb at the Pentagon but accused foreign terrorists of crashing a plane into the building. Despite no photographic evidence, most were fooled until a small number of tinfoil-hat proponents came forward to challenge the official explanation. President George W. Bush endured a very public humiliation at the time, as he had previously claimed the accusations against Cheney were part of a “vast left-wing conspiracy.”

“Tinfoil has a great many applications beyond preventing brainwashing,” affirms Dr. West at Princeton, who also serves on the board of directors for Reynolds Wrap Inc, though he promises it’s not a conflict of interest. “For example, if you cover your head in about ten layers of the stuff during a solar eclipse, you won’t suffer ocular damage. Don’t forget the air hole, though.”   

Researchers plan a follow-up study to determine if tinfoil hats cause wearers to misspell words on protest signs.

Posted in Health and Living | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »