Transmissions from the alternate universe

Newsflash: Nothing Happened Today

Posted by oldancestor on July 11, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake


The Sun and daytime... is there a connection?

EVERYWHERE – News organizations around the world were left scrambling for a headline yesterday when nothing happened. It is believed to be the first event-free day since March 13th, 1845, when James Polk was president and the 51st anniversary of the cotton gin was still 24 hours away.

White House insiders speaking on condition of anonymity revealed that President Obama participated in a series of mundane meetings throughout the day, further frustrating online news editors desperate for scandal-driven clicks.

“My editor wanted me to write an article called ‘Humans continue to breath recycled air, despite the dangers,’ or one called ‘Sun STILL refuses to come out at night,’ which were bloody stupid ideas,” says militant fake news journalist Angry Pink Bunny. “I was going to stab him in the neck with an ice pick, you know, for something to write about, but he was at lunch.”

Not everyone agrees that yesterday was lacking in newsworthiness. Pinky Middleton, former president of the now-defunct Hair Club for Snakes, says, “The fact that nothing happened is something. It’s a philosophy thing. That’s like saying outer space is empty. No, it’s full of space.”

NASA spokesperson Jane Whatnow challenges Middleton’s assertion by claiming that the agency “looked at outer space with a really expensive telescope and found out that it’s actually full of Leprechaun cars.”

She cites the dearth of such vehicles on Earth as further evidence that space is not empty. “All those little greens cars went somewhere. Logic much?”

With the idiotic ramblings of a hairy-snake fetishist considered by many to be unworthy of quotation in a news article, it seems as if journalists will have to wait until tomorrow for a printable story. That’s when Elvis Presley is scheduled to descend from the heavens in a flaming gold space chariot and end all war, disease, famine, and mosquito bites for the next 5000 years. He will also be announcing the release of yet another greatest hits album with the same songs that are on all the others.


The Second Coming of Elvis or 5000-Year Reign of Terror? Find out tomorrow.


Dearest darling Anvil readers.
Please check out my new Pure Film Creative post where I obsess about DEATH,
continue to dazzle you with my knowledge of art,
and prattle on about the usual stuff: Lindsay Lohan, zombies, and attemtped murder
Click here to be enlightened.

42 Responses to “Newsflash: Nothing Happened Today”

  1. nrhatch said

    This is the BEST post I’ve ever read about NOTHING. 😀

  2. I’m still reading & searching..there has to be something……..BTW, Where’s Waldo?

  3. For some reason or other, my subscription to “The Anvil” has been suspended. I’ve been told it has elapsed because I have not paid fo it. I don’t know how they can say such a thing. I have the cancelled fake checks in my files. I was able to borrow back issues from our neighbor’s garbage pails, but much of the pages were rendered unreadable, due to the last drops from their “empty” beer bottles. (Licking it off left an odd taste in my mouth – possibly because the ink on the paper came off with the beer dregs and tongue-smearing.)

    I’m commenting here on what I was able to read about nothing.. Maybe nothing happened on the day in question, but I believe you have missed out on the greatest story of the millenium,or is that the milennium, or perhaps milenium. But I digress. . . You might be interested in sending J. Whatnow to investigate this story. Part of a recent letter to the editor (Tilly Bud) is printed here for your information:

    “The Trans-Oceanic Bridge (Atlantic project #1a) will have to be anchored on both sides. The EU is required to pay for at leasr half of it! Greece was one of the largest investors, but unfortunately most of that money was withdrawn. . .don’t know just why – something to do with the Olympics?

    Anyway, for now the plans are tabled. The civil engineers and architects are squabbling over whether to make the rest stops large enough for motels or just parking lots so people can stop and enjoy the ocean views, and perhaps nap in their cars. A floating bridge was nixed from the very beginning – apparently the storms can get quite violent Icebergs could also present a problem, and the Titanic disaster is still fresh on the minds of many.) And there was some concern about whether it would be stable enough for the “Cooper Minis” or cyclists to ride on. (Plans are being made for a “bicycles only” lane to be constructed at a later date.) The US Coastguard has opted out. The bridge is not considered a coast by their definition.

    Also, a huge argument has ensued over exactly where to switch the driving regulations from left side to right side driving. Some compromise was cnsidered. There was a proposal that a left-side bypass branch off to GB, while the main artery joined up with the English Channel bridge/tunnel.

    There has been an argument between naturalists and industrial capitalists over whether the rest stops will include fishing piers or not. The franchise rights for renting fishing poles, and whale-landing gear could be quite profitable. McDonald’s and Burger King have expressed interest, although a number of fish and chips shops have also weighed in; however, even Japanese businesses are interested – sushi bars would certainly offer a wide variety of really fresh fish, but the cost of shipping the sticky rice might be prohibitive.

    Perhaps the biggest road block has come from the political arena. Certain land-locked countries are demanding the super highway extend all the way to their own countries, but “no-fly” zones would have to be “no-drive” zones, which would sort of make the whole thing moot.

    I’ll let you know as further bulletins are issued. I can’t figure out why you’ve never heard of this. Doesn’t the British press publish more than the latest royal scandals?

    As a side note – the Hiltons are not interested. There wouldn’t be enough room for Paris to strut her stuff, and of course no red carpet to accommodate her needs.

    For the latest news on the plans, “The Anvil” is planning a two-page spread on the project (at least I think so. I haven’t informed the editor about it yet).”

    I expect your slant on this news story soon. . .

    • I couldn’t have said it better. Mostly because my head was recently replaced with a Eureka Dust-Killer 5000 and it’s hard to say things.

    • Paula I am sorry to butt in on this thread’s conversation between you and “what’s his name.” I wanted to say I really like your writing. I hope you don’t mind but I visited your blog via your Gravatar Link. It was splendorous literary mellifluous music to my ears. I like reading your work, and I also look up to that writer… that writer (what is his name, this guy in this thread-whatever- it doesn’t matter) , he is a very good writer too. He helps me a lot as an Editor who takes pity on me. He suffers me well.
      Please pass the compliment on to that guy. It is kind of award for me to do it, Skin heads intimidate me.

      • You are allowed to comment on her blog as well. She doesn’t bite. Anymore. at least not since we fixed her with one of those Hannibal Lecter masks.

      • Dear me, Sir Hanson! You haven’t butted in at all, but then again I have frequently been told that I don’t know my butt from a hole in the ground, so maybe you have. Didn’t feel anything, though. (Why is it whenever I write a letter to the editor of The Anvil that I get a tad lewd? It is most unbecoming to this demure pastor’s wife.)

        Your compliments on my blog and splendourous, mellifluous, music-to-your-ears writing are much appreciated. (BTW, the $5 is “in the mail,” as they say.) I do wish however, you would make such comments actually on MY blog, and not this reprobate’s! I need all the encouragement I can get from my readers! EB only needs help.

        Don’t mistake my disparaging remarks about the sanity of what’s his name, as being maliciously directed toward his writing as well. He writes quite well, and has even been known to write a comment on my blog himself. Such kindness from loonies is seldom seen or experienced. But, seriously, I do worry about him sometimes. I mean, he should be overseeing the writing on the huge breaking news story on the construction of the Trans-Oceanic Bridge (Atlantic #1a), and here he is frittering his time away making inane comments to you and me and assorted others.

        Now Sir, I have noticed that in replacing the mask after my dinner of rare lamb chops, the “guards” screwed it on a bit too tight. I’ll have to do something about this, but it wasn’t you who did it. . . was it. . .?

        Note to EB: There is a gentleman by the name of Hunsen Ondersin (name changed to protect the innocent) who wishes me to inform you of his sincere respect for your writing. Though he is intimidated by your skinny head, he is nevertheless in awe of your talent. You will find his fan letter to you written on the toilet paper in the back 1/2 bath downstairs. . .

  4. I give this article an A+ on its research merit alone.
    “March 13th, 1845, when James Polk was president and the 51st anniversary of the cotton gin was still 24 hours away”.
    I checked this out an it is precisely correct. And I know it was not “copied and pasted” as I Google’d the exact phrase. It required the additional use of those buttons a Casio calculator that I don’t know what the hell are for.

    I respect researched writers. Good research is rarely done anymore.

    • Why, Mr. Anderson, surely you don’t think I’d ever use someone else’s pasted text for a gag. Thanks for comfirming my brilliance, nonetheless. That may not have been the word you used, but I know you meant it.

      • Oh Good Lord no! I never intended to imply you would plagiarize. I’m sorry that was a horribly thrown together comment I hastily rattled off my keyboard. I never meant it “sound the way it did,”
        You are about the only person on the planet other than my brother I was trust my top level password to. You already know that I look up to you Mr. Baker. Your only fault, is that when ever I email you a love letter – you edit and send it back to me for revision.

  5. I did not quit, had to move took a month to pack and move and unpack. I miss stopping by here for my daily laugh. Don’t give up on me you crack me up!! ~ Jackie

  6. nrhatch said

    Where ARE you???

    I want you to write about the conviction of Warren Jeffs:

    Did the pedophile polygamist and prophet predict prosecution for penile prayer practices with pre-pubescent teens?

    • I am on hiatus while I am treated for a malignant hangnail.

      Thank you for your concern and suggestions. Old OA needs a mental break from fake news writing, but I hope to be back soon.

      • nrhatch said

        OMG! I am so sorry to hear that.

        I had no idea that your extended absence stemmed from a mental breakdown caused by a miscreant hangnail. I just assumed it was a summer hiatus.

        Sending Taoist prayers your way.

        Hurry back as soon as you get your chakras sorted out. 😀

  7. The Hook said

    Someone probably left the remote on “PAUSE”!

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