THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘Sharks’

Humans no longer the dominant species on Earth by 2015?

Posted by oldancestor on March 2, 2011

By Eric J Baker

Meet the new boss: Sharkalope

DETROIT – Researchers at the University of Detroit Online say that, within a scant 4 years, Homo sapiens will rule this planet no more. Our replacement? The sharkalope, according to UDO Science Professor Pinky Middleton.

 “It’s the only species of shark with opposable thumbs,” says Middleton. “Plus it has wicked antlers. If you took nature’s most perfect killing machine and wanted to make it even perfecter, you’d add thumbs and antlers.”

Middleton has been studying the creatures for over 20 years, after his first two wives were suffocated in their beds by sharkalopes, as well as his college-dorm roommate and his mother’s boyfriend.

“I don’t blame sharkalopes for my personal tragedies,” he says. “They were just doing what nature evolved them to do.”

While most scientists agree that humans are about to be wiped out by a land/sea animal hybrid, not all of them believe our demise will come at the fins of a sharkalope.

“It’s the dinopus you should be watching out for,” says Middleton’s UDO colleague, Dr. Shinji Mafune. That organism, never observed in the wild by anyone but Dr. Mafune, may be rare, but it has the advantage of size.    

Same as the old boss: Dinopus

“Trust me,” says Mafune. “You don’t want to see this thing walking down the street. A dinopus would eat a sharkalope like its a biscuit at tea time.”

The looming clash of beasts that will determine a new world order not only threatens the existence of mankind but also raises serious questions about the immediate political landscape. While pundits and would-be candidates are focused on the 2012 presidential campaign, Sharkalope and Dinopus may be positioning themselves for a 2016 run. But would they share a ticket and run against a human? If they run against each other, which one is a Democrat and which one is a Republican? Is it too early for either of them to put together a political action committee?

To answer these questions, we contacted Princeton University’s Dean of Political Science, Dr. Herbert West.

“There’s no such thing as a sharkalope, you idiot,” explains West. “Even if there were, how could an unarmed fish without a cerebral cortex possibly conceive of world domination much less hatch a plan to accomplish it?”

He also said, “And there’s no such place as the University of Detroit Online. I guess you guys never heard of something called ‘fact checking,’” though it was not immediately clear what he meant.

Keep reading The Anvil for updates on this developing story.

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