THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘politics’

ROMNEY DEFEATS OBAMA!

Posted by Eric the Gray on November 7, 2012

by Lennie

This building in Washington DC is close to the Verizon Center, site of last night’s boxing match.

WASHINGTON DC – In a high-profile dust-up at the Verizon Center last night, light-heavyweight boxer Hank “Bone Crusher” Romney beat the formerly undefeated Shamus “The Irish Hammer” Obama, scoring a TKO in the sixth round of a scheduled ten-round fight. Referee Jimmy Lehrer stopped the fight after Obama was knocked down twice within the first 30 seconds of the round.

Despite protestations from Obama’s trainer, Billy “Elvis” Clinton, Lehrer waved his arms to signal the end of the bout when Obama seemed too dazed to continue. The loss drops Obama’s record to 14-1, while Romney improved to 16-3. There is no word on who Romney plans to fight next.

Of his victory, the exuberant boxer said, “It’s ludicrous!”

In unrelated political news, Democrat Barack Obama was re-elected President of the United States, defeating his Republican rival Mitt Romney after a tight race.

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Posted in Breaking News!, Politics, Sports | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Jan Brewer set to play “Leatherface” in Texas Chainsaw Massacre reboot

Posted by Eric the Gray on July 9, 2012

By Lacy Thundercake

“Don’t make me cut you!” says Brewer, rehearsing her lines. Or not.

LOS ANGELES – In a shocking move, film studio Lionsgate has cast fiery Arizona governor Jan Brewer as the chainsaw-wielding maniac “Leatherface” in the upcoming horror reboot, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This is the first time a woman has played the iconic role in any of the five films in the series, dating back to 1974.

“We couldn’t be more proud of the governor,” said Brewer’s spokesperson Lefty Enright at this afternoon’s press conference to announce the casting. “The way she has hacked away at civil rights for Hispanic people and eviscerated the idea of health benefits for same-sex couples proves that she knows how to lash out in a clumsy, brutal fashion, just like a crazed killer who skins people alive and makes clothes out of them.”

Enright denies that Brewer was chosen for the part because of her weather-beaten, craggy appearance.

“What’s a sister gonna do? She lives in the desert.”

The film’s director, Pinky Middleton, said he chose the governor because he is a supporter of women’s rights and wanted to make a statement.

“Janice has proven that a woman can be just as nasty and hateful as a man. I hope, by giving her this role, I can shift the landscape of our society’s perceptions in a way that only art can.”

He also said, “I can’t wait to see her cut a dumb teenager in half.”

In other governor-related film-casting news, New Jersey governor Chris Christie has recently signed on to play the part of a bitter, angry, emotionally stunted man who is shouts people down and calls them idiots when they ask him questions he dislikes. Until his rage boils over and pushes his blood pressure into the red, causing a heart attack.

Set in 2013, the film is tentatively being called, “The Chris Christie Story.”

Posted in Entertainment News, Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 17 Comments »

Surprising results of Iowa straw poll

Posted by oldancestor on March 14, 2011

Also: Royal violence in London (see below)

By Eric J Baker

This man is so deformed his face looks like a question mark

 

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA – Pollsters were shocked today when the children of Mrs. Bluebonnets first grade class at West Captain Kirk Elementary School in Cedar Rapids, Iowa chose straight straws over curly ones by a two-to-one margin. It had been believed that most kids preferred the curly straws.

This throws the election landscape into total disarray, said political analyst Paul Naschy. Its completely shocking. Its also utterly unexpected. I have nothing to say, do I?

When asked why she chose the straight straws, Emma Jellybone, age 7, said, It takes too long to drink a milkshake with a curly one.

Emmas teacher, Mrs. Bluebonnet, was unwilling to say which straw she preferred but did say she thought the political analyst quoted in the second paragraph was an inarticulate buffoon.

Did you notice the redundancy, she said. Have you ever heard of partial disarray? Can something be kind of shocking or a little bit unexpected? The answer is no.

When asked to choose between Mike Huckabee, Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, or any of the tall, handsome mainstream Republicans who actually have a snowballs chance in hell of getting the GOP nomination in 2012, Mrs. Bluebonnets kids picked straws again.

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NEW BLOODSHED IN ENGLAND

LONDON – Forces loyal to Queen Elizabeth II stormed Great Britains Parliament building today, briefly capturing it until they were beaten back by the armies of The Usurper, Prime Minister David Cameron.

Cameron appeared on BBC shortly after the battle to reassure Brits that government was functioning normally.

Queens are a ghastly nuisance, arent they? he said.

RAF pilots later bombed Windsor castle to, in Camerons words, make way for a lovely shopping commons and maybe some sort of aquarium or garden.

BBC political analyst Sir Edward Bollocks said the queens attack was not a serious attempt to win back authority for the monarchy.

She knows she cant win, said Bollocks. She just wants that tart of a future granddaughter-in-law [Kate Middleton, Prince Williams fiancé] to know who has the biggest family jewels.

When reached for comment, Middleton told us to Bugger off.

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Posted in Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 31 Comments »

Dozens of Human Heads Found

Posted by oldancestor on February 12, 2011

By Eric J Baker

Other types of heads

In what scientists are calling the greatest intellectual awakening since Americans realized they could have had a V8, dozens of knee-jerk reactionaries ran their hands up their bodies yesterday and discovered they had heads sitting atop their necks.

“It’s amazing,” said Ben Tramer, a former jerk. “As soon as I realized I was able to think, I understood that social issues and events have many dimensions, and that people with opposing positions can both make good points.”

He went on say that he no longer blamed President Obama for his uncle being laid off in 2007.

Trixie Bumbershoot, who, like Tramer, was until very recently a jerk, says, “Before I found my head, I automatically said everything bad that happened in the past eleven years was George W Bush’s fault. Including my three DUI convictions. It turns out I was just being a selfish idiot.”

Science is at a loss to explain the unusual discovery. Dr. Carl Hill of Miskatonic University in Massachusetts, an expert on heads, says more research is needed.  

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” he told The Anvil via telephone this morning. “One minute, thousands of people are posting misinformed, all-caps, emotion-driven comments on Yahoo, and the next minute, dozens of them, maybe 24 to 36, started using logic.”

In scientific terms, one dozen is generally thought to equal twelve.

“What I’d really like to do is remove those people’s heads and dissect them,” explains Dr. Hill. “It’s the only way to be sure of what chemical changes took place. Of course, I’d reattached them afterward. ‘First, do no harm,’ as they say, eh? Ha. Ha.”

Despite the presumed danger, some of those who underwent the sudden change are eager to partake in Dr. Hill’s experiment.

“I used to blame Bill Clinton for all my troubles,” says former loudmouth Otis Tool. “And my buddy Henry [widely viewed as a belligerent ignoramus until yesterday] said Reagan was nothing but pure evil. Now, thanks to our awakening, we’re curious to see what caused the change.”

He later added, “Yeah, I’ll give head for science.”

While some readers may view the spontaneous head discovery as promising, scientists warn there are still millions out there who refuse to consider gathering facts, seeking alternate opinions, and respecting others’ beliefs.

Indeed, 108-year-old Toronto native Pinky Middleton maintains that President James Garfield, who served a scant 200 days in office in 1881, is to blame for World War II, design flaws in the Ford Pinto, and the underperformance of Prince of Persia: Sands of Time at the box office.

“This country was a paradise until he [Garfield] gave government workers May 30th, 1881 off,” says Middleton. “Now look where we are as a nation!”

Middleton also said that, “Sh*t rolls down hill, you know,” though scientists have yet to observe this phenomenon.

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Correction: The second quote attributed to Otis Tool includes a typo. It should appear as “Yeah, I’ll give my head for science.” We’re sorry for the inconvenience.

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , | 15 Comments »

Horoscope Horror! Feds Privatize the Zodiac

Posted by oldancestor on July 18, 2010

WHAT DOES IT MEAN FOR YOU? SEE YOUR NEW ASTROLOGICAL SIGN BELOW AND FIND OUT!

By Lennie

 

Updated Zodiac symbols. Match yours to the horoscope below!

In an effort to trim the budget deficit, the federal government announced it will eliminate the Department of Zodiac, effectively putting thousands of licensed astrologers out of work and ending the era of industry regulation and oversight. With the massive, 800-billion-dollar spending cut comes other changes as well. For starters, each sign will have a new icon. Say “Bye” to the Bull. “Adios” to the Archer. “Sayonara” to the Scorpion. “Adieu” to the-

[Just get on with it – Ed.]  

Which brings to mind one simple question: How many will die because of this?!!

Deficit hawks in our nation’s capital are gloating this morning, but will they be all smiles when the bodies begin to pile up? Because that’s what will happen when unlicensed, back-alley “zodiaticians” start peddling their snake oil, dishing out mindless drivel that, at best, bears no relationship to actual Zodiac science. And that dishing will commence, oh, any minute now.

So what can you do to stay safe in this perilous new era of deregulation and back sliding into sheer quackery? You can get your Lennie-approved Horoscope right here at the Anvil! Don’t be fooled by imitations. Here goes:

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Old icon: Ram

New icon: Bizarre alien life form we can’t understand

Since you tend to be impulsive, you’re at risk of stabbing your lover with a butcher knife. Don’t, because you also tend to do poorly with prison life. Next Thanksgiving, go to Chili’s and get a nacho platter or something else that doesn’t require sharp utensils to eat. And don’t forget to take your meds.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Old icon: Bull

New icon: Car

You are going to have a lot of health problems this year. You thought everything was fine after they took out your gallbladder and did your knee replacement, but it’s only the beginning. Your shoulder is going next, followed by your eyesight. It’s frustrating because you aren’t that old and you’ve already spent a lot of money on maintenance. And with that long stride and size 12 shoes, you wonder why that little Japanese guy can run farther and faster and seems like he’ll last a lot longer.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Old icon: Twins

New icon: Sextuplets

You crave stardom, but you never bothered to learn how to do anything interesting. Your parents and friends say, “Why does someone who wants to be famous spend so much time watching TV and eating junk food?” The truth is, you just like watching TV and eating junk food. You figure you could easily be on one of those reality shows. Which is true, but haven’t you ever heard of pride?

Cancer (June 21 to July 22)

Old icon: Crab

New icon: Lobster

You’re kinda set in your ways, which, frankly, makes you boring. That’s why no one calls you. You never want to try anything new. Netflix isn’t the whole world, you know. The good news is you will be rescued from your doldrums by a handsome stranger who saw your couch on Craig’s List. Unfortunately, he will give you food poisoning the first time he cooks you dinner, and thereafter you will think of diarrhea whenever you see his face. This horoscope is true even if you are a heterosexual man, so that ought to make you reevaluate your life, eh?

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Old icon: Lion

New icon: A wedge of Swiss cheese

You will suffer abject humiliation when you go on Dr. Oz to talk about your farting problem. Dude, what did you expect? It’s a TV show. Did you think your co-workers wouldn’t DVR it?  To make matters worse, you will unintentionally say something so hysterically embarrassing that it becomes a pop-culture-smash clip they play at least twice on every single episode of E!’s The Soup for the next two years. Not to mention the 5 million YouTube hits.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Old icon: Virgin

New icon: Stripper pole

I hate to say this, but you’re the reason they can’t use the Virgin icon anymore. Maybe you should have started getting the hint when the bartender at TGI Friday’s gave you that “Take a number” dispenser. The worst part is yet to come: You know Jesse at Wal-mart, with only one tooth and the yellow spandex biking shorts? I’m going to let you take a minute to think about why I asked that. And when that tiny light bulb goes on over your head and you say, “No way. Not on a million years,” I’m going to say, “Yes way. This summer.” Book it.

Libra (September 23- October 22)

Old icon: Scales

New icon: Scales, but like on a monster

No, your dream of being called on stage to play drums for Rush because Neil Peart got the flu will not come true this year either. Neither will your dream of moving out of your mom’s basement. But truthfully, you don’t really want either of those things to happen, do you? What if you got up on stage and realized you had no pants on? How embarrassing. And where else will you get free cable and all the Doritos and wild cherry Pepsi you could ever drink? No, you’re sitting pretty, when you think about it, and will continue to do so. Thumbs up.          

Scorpio (October 23 to November 21)

Old icon: Scorpion

New icon: Jack Nicholson in The Shining

Your planet is Neptune and unfortunately, Neptune is going to get smashed by a giant asteroid this year. Don’t worry, no one lives on Neptune (as far as we know), but whatever happens to Neptune happens to you. It won’t be an asteroid of course. If a giant asteroid hits your head, it’s pretty much going to hit a lot of people’s heads. I was thinking more like a small lead ball being thrown from atop a skyscraper. Just big enough to poke through the top of your skull and shoot out the bottom. So don’t go see the big Christmas tree in New York this year, like you were planning. Sometimes you can beat this Zodiac business if you’re smart.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Old icon: the Archer

New icon: A can of Raid

The Shining is your favorite movie, and you will be pissed when you find out Scorpios have the new Shining icon and you missed it by less than a month. This always happens to you. Remember when you thought your Chinese Zodiac symbol was a dragon? You thought that was so cool that you started studying Buddhism and practicing Zen and all that. Then you realized you were looking at some lunar calendar baloney and your symbol was actually a rat. Stop asking your parents if they wrote the wrong month on your birth certificate application. They didn’t. You are a Sagittarius. Suck it up.

Capricorn (December 22 to January 19)

Old icon: Goat

New icon: A drop of antifreeze (the green kind, not the orange)

You thought you were cool because Jesus was a Capricorn too, though, somewhere in the back of your mind, you knew believing in the Zodiac wasn’t very Christian. Then, in school, they taught you Jesus was probably born some time in March, perhaps six years earlier than our calendar suggests. That left you feeling hollow, bitter, and betrayed, so much so that you became an atheist. Then you met the girl of your dreams and she taught you that you can’t make that kind of choice based on spite or anger. It has to be a rational decision, one way or the other. You may be grateful to her for helping you, but I have to tell you: She’s cheating on you with the guy who installed your attic fan. By the way, this horoscope is especially confusing if you’re a woman.   

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)

Old icon: Water carrier

New icon: An angry pink bunny

You were jazzed when you found out your planet was Venus. Venus being the goddess of love and all that. Then you joined NASA and trained for 10 years, determined to become the best they had. How could they say no when you volunteered for the Venus trip? It’s your damn planet, after all. And they did choose you, like you knew they would. Then you got there and found out it’s 900 degrees Fahrenheit and rains liquid metal. What you wouldn’t give for a nice, cold drink right about now. A nice, tall, cold glass of ice water. Mmmmmm. I’m drinking mine right now. Ahhh. That’s refreshing.   

Pisces (February 20 to March 20)

Old icon: Fish

New icon: Field and Stream magazine

Your planet used to be Pluto, but you dodged a bullet when you whimsically changed it to Saturn a week before Pluto was demoted to dwarf planet. But much like in a Final Destination movie, you can’t escape your destiny. You will be demoted at work. I’d say I feel bad for you, but perhaps you should not have looked at all than online porn when you were supposed to be filing invoices.

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Posted in Health and Living | Tagged: , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Zombie Wins Republican Primary!

Posted by oldancestor on July 16, 2010

Wholesale Orders of Human Flesh Skyrocket

 

By Eric J Baker 

 
 
 

Bub Howard declares victory last night

 

SACRAMENTO – In a shocking turn that has stunned the political world, undead GOP Senate candidate Bub Howard has seemingly come from nowhere to defeat Carly Fiorina in California’s Republican primary runoff election. Howard will now face Democrat Barbara Boxer in November’s midterms, leaving Fiorina to sit at home and count the millions she earned turning Hewlett Packard into a crappy company.

If Americans ever needed proof that zombies have become a potent political force, here it is: Howard was polling tenth out of ten GOP candidates only 4 months ago. But that was before the Zombie Apocalypse began. Howard died of zombiosis (zombie-bite poisoning) in late April and suddenly, just days after he returned from the grave to devour the flesh of the living, most polls showed him in fifth place. 

“One out of four Americans is now undead. It’s time we had a voice in Washington!” Howard told groaning supporters at his headquarters in the Los Angeles County Morgue. “They can shoot us in the head. They can burn us. But they can’t take away our appetite… for victory in November!”

Even as of yesterday morning, though, his win hardly seemed assured. In fact, most believed Fiorina had won the original primary last month and would campaign against the incumbent, Boxer, in the fall. But Howard made a late surge, and, when all the votes were counted, the election was deemed “too close to call,” necessitating yesterday’s runoff.

Some political experts believe Howard benefited from a combination of factors.

“You have to realize there are more and more zombies every day,” says Lucy O. Fulci, the head of UCLA’s Political Science department. “One thing we’ve noticed is that zombies vote zombie, almost exclusively. This is why President Obama’s poll numbers are dropping. Many of his most ardent supporters in 2008 are zombies now. It would be politically expedient of him to become undead.”

A second factor in Howard’s rise is a revitalized ad campaign. His initial slogan, “Brainsssss!” failed to catch on, as many felt it simply pandered to his base. To tap into voter discontent with Washington establishment, Howard changed the phrase to, “We’re coming to get you, Barbara!” and his popularity took off.

Senator Boxer’s campaign must have anticipated a possible victory for the undead Republican: They’ve already issued a new slogan today, which reads, “There’s something rotting in Denmark. And it’s Bub Howard!”

Despite their supposed unity as a voting block, some zombies are throwing their support behind Boxer.

“I can’t believe [Howard] is running as a Republican,” says Morty Rigor, a former electrician and now walking corpse who spends his days feasting on the supple flesh of the living. “The Republicans are the ones who wanted us shot on sight. They’re the ones who won’t let us get married. The liberals fought for our right to vote, for crying out loud!”

A staffer from Howard’s campaign, and also a zombie, responded to these allegations by telephone this morning.

“Taxes. It’s that simple,” said the staffer. “Zombies don’t have to pay taxes, because we’re dead, and Bub Howard doesn’t think anyone should have to. Plus, there’s that death tax, and we really don’t like it. Why should we lose all that money just because we’ve become hideous, murdering, cannibalistic, hell-spawned abominations?”

What remains to be seen is how long zombies can stay a powerful presence in American politics. The Apocalypse is only a few months old, and early zombies are already starting to show signs of desiccation and advanced decomposition. Scientists believe the flesh-eating behavior only slows the rotting but does not stop it. Will there be enough walking dead left by November to give Boxer’s Senate seat to Howard?

“There’s no need to be concerned” says Dr. Fulci. “Zombies and humans will learn to live in harmony, and we are about to enter the utopian future we’ve always dreamed about.”

She went on to say, “I’m kidding. This is the Apocalypse. Two years from now, mankind will be wiped out, the zombies will have decayed, and all humanity’s great accomplishments will be lost to the sands of time, as if none of it had ever happened.”      

[The Anvil wishes to apologize to our readers. That was the most depressing ending ever written for a fake news article. We promise our next article will conclude with someone getting hit in the groin by a little kid swinging a bat at a piñata and missing. – Ed]

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 12 Comments »

The truth behind Al and Tipper Gore’s split: Recycling

Posted by oldancestor on June 3, 2010

HE DUG HER A WELL AND BOUGHT HER A REFILLABLE STAINLESS STEEL WATER BOTTLE… BUT IT WASN’T ENOUGH

 

By Lacy Thundercake

Al and Tipper Gore in happier times (early Cretaceous)

Although friends of the Gores are feigning ignorance in public over the reasons for the couple’s split, they know what the rest of us will soon discover: At long last, Tipper cracked that eggshell.

Sources close to the former Vice President and his wife say Tipper has dreaded saying the wrong thing around Al for years, mostly for fear of receiving a two-hour-long, monotone lecture about wind turbines. Of late, though, Al was said to have been acting irritable and on edge, which is unusual for someone incapable of feeling emotion.

Then, late last week, the unthinkable happened.

Tipper said (allegedly, but it sounds true), “What’s with all the stupid numbers inside the recycling logo thingie? Can’t they just have two numbers? One for ‘yes, you can recycle it,’ and two for, ‘no, you can’t recycle it?’ ”

That was enough for the tiny-carbon-footprint bearing Democrat. A fly on the wall told this reporter Mr. Gore flew into a rage, calmly standing, retrieving his car keys in an orderly fashion, and taking even steps on his way outside. He then tore off down the highway at 55 M.P.H., checking all three mirrors and signaling before changing lanes.  

“He could only have a detached sense of affection for one thing at a time,” says a family friend, “and that thing right now is climate change legislation. Tipper could not be the environment, no matter how hard she tried.”

Despite appearances of a happy marriage, many Washington insiders believe the couple was doomed from the start. Like President Obama, Al Gore suffers from Bodysnatcher’s Syndrome (BS), a condition which drains the victim of personality. Named for its discoverer, Dr. Heinrich Bodysnatcher, the disease is incurable, though sufferers are sometimes able to behave as if they feel emotion when on the campaign trail. 51 % of marriages in which a partner has BS end in divorce, far above the national average for all couples of 50%.

Neither Mr. nor Mrs. Gore has made a public statement regarding their future together, but Al seems to have moved on. He is rumored to be auditioning for the role of Spock in the upcoming Star Trek sequel.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »