A round-up of the week’s most explosively super-unbelievable news stories!

Editorial note: It makes us sick that we have to do all this work rounding up and writing, and all you have to do is sit there clicking away without a care in the world, you lazy do nothings. Oh well. I guess someone has to write this junk. Here are your top stories of the week…

The Facts in the Case of M. Student Volunteer

 

BP service station takes 4 months to stop oil leak in guy’s car!

 

RANDOM, MN – A Minnesota man claimed this week that a BP gas station 70 miles west of Bloomington has had his 1999 Mitsubishi Gallant on a lift since April 20th, trying to repair an oil leak.

“It’s ridiculous,” says the man, 41-year-old Stanley Man’s-Laughter. “How hard is it to fix an oil leak? I’ve paid almost 6,000 dollars in car rental fees waiting for these guys.”

When reached for comment, the station’s owner, Tariq Azziz, said, “It’s hard to say how long it will take. It could be the oil pan. It could be the valve-cover gasket. Maybe the filter is loose. We just don’t know yet.”

The vehicle’s owner says he’s had enough.

“Why does this always happen to me? Nobody cares about me. I feel invisible. I want to scream ‘I AM STAN!’ at the top of my lungs. Does anyone care?”

Before we went to press, Man’s-Laughter dropped the apostrophe and hyphen from his name and went on a crazed shooting spree at the mall. Details at 11:00!

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Scientists discover how to have cake and eat it too!

           

PRINCETON, NJ – Physicists at Princeton University have finally conquered a challenge that has daunted man for centuries: How to have your cake and eat it too.

Employing principles of Quantum Mechanics, researchers were able to ‘create’ a slice of black-forest double-strawberry cake (with whipped-cream icing) in a Dirac Wave Chamber at the exact moment the same slice of cake was being eaten by a student volunteer seated across the room.

“This is the first time something larger than a subatomic article has been able to exist in two places at once,” explains lead researcher Herbert West, who heads the Quantum Physics department at Princeton. “The doppelganger cake only existed for about a third of a second, but we’ll extend that time as we conduct more experiments. One day, you’ll be able to visit your mother-in-law and stay home to watch the game at the same time. What do you think of that?”

While that sounds enticing, it may not happen in our lifetimes. The Dirac Chamber, once switched on, causes anyone in the same room to liquefy within 15 seconds.

“Admittedly a drawback,” laughs Dr. West.

West is looking for a new student volunteer, so those who are interested should contact the university’s Physics office.

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Banks finally reform into new shape: A raised middle finger

 

WASHINGTON, DC – Federal Reserve System engineers studying computer models have determined that the recently passed Banking Reform Law is causing the nation’s banking system to reform into a shape resembling a hand with a middle finger raised.

“We were afraid this would happen,” said an employee inside the Fed who declined to give his name. “But the numbers don’t lie. I swear I heard my computer laugh and say ‘f*ck y*u’ to me when it happened.”

In other economic news, yacht and mansion sales are brisk despite an allegedly poor consumer-confidence index, stagnant wages, and high unemployment.

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BP, in an effort to appear more likeable, changes its name to Tom Hanks

By Eric J Baker

 

Little-known fact: BP actually stands for “Bionic Pencil”

LONDON – Incoming BP CEO Mel Gibson, who is set to replace the beleaguered Tony Hayward in a few months, announced today that the company was changing its name to Tom Hanks.

“Everyone loves Tom Hanks,” Gibson told reporters. “Everyone trusts Tom Hanks. That’s the image we are trying to cultivate. Love and trust. And oil. But not the leaky kind. Yuck.”

While it’s not uncommon for sports arenas to take corporate names in exchange for money, this is believed to be the first time a company has purchased the identity of a celebrity. Some are calling it a bold move by BP’s new leadership group.

“Gibson is trying to let people know he’s the new sheriff in town,” said business analyst Pinky Middleton of Detroit University Online. “In essence, he is the de facto leader.”

Middleton also said, “I’ve been dying for a reason to say that word. De Facto. Deeee Faaaactooooo. Cool. Do you need any more quotes? I’ve got lots of material.”

It may take more than a name change to reverse the British energy giant’s fortunes.  Public sentiment against the corporation is still high, despite its pretty green-and-yellow logo. Readers might  recall that BP was behind the worldwide Vaseline shortage last year, and it was recently discovered that the company has been poking holes in the Earth and making it bleed black blood.

Current CEO Hayward did no favors for his or the company’s image last week when, in full view of TV news cameras, he urinated from the deck of his yacht into Gulf waters off the coast of Florida.

Footage taken of the incident captured Hayward shouting, “Piss off, you bloody stupid Americans. And, for the record, it’s ‘tomahto.’ Wankers.”

That was enough for one American citizen to take action.

“We’re going to run him out of town,” says Chester Tool of Twister Magnet, Oklahoma, who has founded the activist group, Redcoats United, with the expressed aim of deporting undocumented British laborers. “We beat them in the Civil War and in World War II, and we’ll beat them again.”

When informed that the term ‘redcoat’ refers to British soldiers who fought against colonial forces in the American Revolution, Tool declined to respond, though his wife, Madge, said, “Where’s my cigarettes? The unfiltered ones.”

Gibson responded to the concerns of the anti-British-immigration faction by telling reporters, “Look. I hate the British too. You don’t see me renaming this company ‘Sir John Gielgud’ or ‘Afternoon Tea’ do you?”

In response to questions about BP’s unexpected move, a spokesman for the actor Tom Hanks said, “WILSON!” Those who had been expecting a quote from Forrest Gump were surprised by Hanks’ fictional response.

In a related story, actor Mel Gibson (no relation to the new BP CEO) announced he was changing his name to BP.

“I’m trying as hard as I can to be hated, and this ought to put me over the top,” he said this morning from the Los Angeles set of his new movie, A-Hole, in which he is playing a formerly beloved actor now prone to drunken, racist rants and domestic violence. According to sources inside the troubled production, the script is undergoing daily rewrites.

New trend in animal fashion: Oil Chic

Also: The Week’s Worst Red Carpet Disasters!

 

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Today’s sea birds dripping with style

 

GULF OF MEXICO – Move over, Milan. Watch out, Westminster. There’s a new animal fashion capital and it’s called the Gulf of Mexico.

That’s right. The animal fashion industry has been caught flat-hoofed by a new trend sweeping the southeastern United States. They’re calling it “oil chic,” and today’s cosmopolitan critters can’t jump on the bandwagon fast enough.

Dressed in shiny black, the “Oil Chics” seem to have a nose for sniffing out photographers, and they don’t mind strutting their stuff for television cameras either. The look appears to be spreading, too, as more and more animals are riding the fashion wave.

But how did industry insiders not see this coming? Aren’t they supposed to be the pros?

Bill Duck, editor of Quack, a style magazine geared toward young waterfowl, says, “This shows you that street-savvy young animals decide what’s hip, not a bunch of feather puffers in a boardroom somewhere. You can market a new trend, but trends make themselves.”

When asked why she has adopted the new style, Londoner turned Louisiana marshland resident Trina Mallard says, “It’s a bit of all right, isn’t it? And it’s cheap too. All I have to do is go for a dunk and I come up all black and shiny. Beats spending loads and loads at the mall.”

Not everyone is impressed with the new style.

“Big deal!” squawks local crow, Chet Byrd. “I’ve had that look for years, and I do it without becoming flammable.”

Byrd’s friend visiting from out of state, a peacock named John Plume, thinks the look is ok, even if it makes him feel even more like a colorful outsider.

“When a trend catches on this fast, it dies out even faster,” he says. “They’ll all go back to being white or gray, and I’ll still be the sexiest thing on two legs.”

The week’s worst red carpet disasters

LOS ANGELES – Two red carpet disasters took place in Los Angeles this week within a few hours of each other, and neither involved Bjork or Mariah Carey.

The first incident occurred at noon on Wednesday, when terrorists lost control of the box truck they were driving and it crashed through the window of Tony’s All-Red-Carpet Carpet Emporium on 14^th street. The truck burst into flames, destroying the store and its inventory. Luckily, the fertilizer bomb in the back of the truck did not explode, and the store’s employees and customers, as well as they terrorists, escaped with minor injuries.

Tony Shag, the store’s owner, says sales were slow anyway and he’ll be glad for the insurance money.

The suicide bomber driving the truck was quoted as saying, “Whew, that was scary. I thought I was going to die.”

Across town three hours later, a TV crew filming the reality show We Remodeled Your House Without Consulting You was shocked when an enraged homeowner attacked and killed the show’s host, designer Arthur Deco, with an ax. Police say the homeowner, Les Borden, became incensed when he returned from work to find red wall-to-wall carpeting installed throughout the entire house. He then ran to his workroom, according to the police report, and emerged swinging the weapon. Deco was pronounced dead at the scene.

Police chief Moses Hightower told reporters, “It was clearly a crime of passion. That guy loved his hardwood.” 

Media Bias is invisible, but it’s real (because I can smell it)

Yes, it has a weird smell, just like my Uncle Moe. Not stinky, per se, just weird.

 

An Editorial by  Lennie

 

A hidden menace invading your home: Water!

A famous expression goes, “The news media don’t just tell you what to think, they tell you what to think while you’re driving.”

Well, I’m about to use the news media’s favorite tool against them, because I was driving yesterday and I started thinking about media bias. It happened when I was passing a store with a sign out front that said, “Buy 2, get 1 free.” I was going too fast to see what the item was, but I still thought, Hey, that’s a good deal.

But when I got home and turned on the TV, did I see any news coverage of it? No. It was day 40-whatever of talking about the oil spill in the Persian Gulf. DAY 40 WHATEVER! How long are we going to talk about something that happened such a long time ago? I’m beginning to think the news media aren’t fixing the leak just so they can keep talking about it. And maybe because they rented the underwater cameras for six months and want to get their money’s worth.

Eventually the news channel switched to a story about North Korea sinking a South Korean warship with a torpedo. I remember thinking, Hey, you never hear about North Dakota sinking a warship from South Dakota with a torpedo. Those folks from the Dakotas sure know how to get along, I said. Good for them.

Next story was about some Israeli pirates stealing a Turkish ship or something.

And that’s when it hit me. It hit me so hard I almost pooped my pants (which might make me smell a little more like Uncle Moe, if you know what I mean). I realized it’s all part of a vast conspiracy, the sudden knowledge of which flooded my thoughts like a tsunami of awareness: The news media only cover stories that happen on the water! Oils spills. Ships sinking. Pirates. It’s all right in front of you, folks.

Think about it. Water, like media bias, is invisible, except when it has things floating in it, like oil blobs, for example. Water tastes like nothing, looks like nothing, and goes unnoticed most of the time. It’s even in your body, like a massive parasite that takes up 70 percent of the space your body gets to displace, forcing the rest of you into a cramped 30 percent area.

Media bias IS water!

I’m not sure if that’s a metaphor or a simile, but it means media bias is everywhere, unnoticed yet pervasive. Why, even the phrase “mainstream media” has “stream” in it.

Streams are made of water, in case you didn’t get that connection.

For this reason I have decided to follow Uncle Moe’s example and stop bathing. That might explain his weird smell, now that I think about it. Kind of like cigar breath mixed with burnt plastic and the foot odor of an old blues guitarist.

America, you can count on me to report the truth. I’ll be patrolling the borders of North and South Dakota to record every ship sinking the mainstream media refuses to tell you about. That is… if the conspirators don’t get to me first. [No such luck – Ed.]

Facts about Media Bias:

• “The News Media” is plural, making it sound weird in a sentence.
• The singular of “media” is either “medium” or “median” (your choice), both of which have something to do with average or being in the middle. Considering how biased the news media are, maybe we should come up with a different word. Like “lying scum” for example.
• You can tell someone is giving you the straight dope when she calls the mainstream media something funny like “lame-stream” media, or when she refuses to answer questions posed by a media attack dog like Katie Couric, even if they’re questions a baby can handle.

 

About the writer: Lennie is the only person in history to fail a Rorschach test, and he thinks you can’t see him when his eyes are closed.

News Round-up: The last person who didn’t read this was eaten by sharks!

People Magazine: North Korea Edition names Kim Jong Il “Sexist Man Alive”

 

PYONGYANG – People: North Korea has once again named Kim Jong Il the Sexist Man Alive. It’s the 16^th consecutive year the diminutive dictator has won the honor.

Said People’s North Korean editor Shim Lee Park, “The brave and noble citizens of the People’s Republic have spoken from their hearts by making this unanimous choice.”

Kim garnered 100% of the vote in the small East Asian nation, with all 27 million citizens having participated in the online poll, despite many lacking internet connection.

“It just shows you how devoted and unified the loyal citizens of the People’s Republic are in the face of threats from all the wicked and evil enemies bent on our destruction,” said Shim.

The magazine also named Kim Jong Il “the most glorious, perfect, unerring, godlike, yet humble leader in the world” and owner of the “most phat hairstyle.”

Suspense is already building over who will win next year’s poll.

Several new species of black, shiny fish discovered in Gulf of Mexico

            NEW ORLEANS – Scientists from the University of Louisiana were stunned this week to find a number of previously unknown fish species existing so close to America’s shores. Strangely, the discovery was made not by marine biologists but by engineers from BP, an oil company conducting a series of bizarre experiments on the sea floor in the Gulf of Mexico.

“These animals are very similar to species we already know,” said university researcher Herbert West, “but with strange mutations. I guess those futile, comically inept science experiments BP was conducting were good for something.”

BP has come under scrutiny on recent weeks for wasting time putting a bunch of bendy things, giant boxes, and hoses in the subtropical gulf waters instead of looking for oil.

Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin came to the company’s defense yesterday, claiming, “The discovery of new species and plants are just one of the many benefits of offshore drilling.”

Scientists believe these are the first fish that can lower your cholesterol and keep your engine running smoothly.

Rand Paul opposes slavery, pretty much

FRANKFORT, KY – Kentucky’s GOP senate hopeful Rand Paul said in a TV interview yesterday he thought slavery was generally not good, for the most part.

“Of course I oppose slavery as a concept,” Paul told MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow. “But I also support the right of individuals to spend their money as they see fit.”

When asked by Maddow if that meant he thought rich, white men should be able to buy people, Paul held his palms out and said, “Well…”

The former eye doctor has gone on record recently saying he supports the Civil Rights Act of 1964 in an abstract sense but doesn’t think it should be enforced. In a CNN interview last month, he said burning people at the stake for being gay is “a little too harsh,” preferring a less painful method of execution.

Paul hopes to win Kentucky’s vacant Senate seat in the midterm elections this November.

Free oil a gift from the ocean gods

ENERGY INDEPENDENCE AT LAST!

 

By Eric J Baker

 

GULF OF MEXICO – The Gods are angry at OPEC.

What else can explain the sudden appearance of free oil in the Gulf of Mexico? Thousands of gallons of “black gold” have been bubbling up from the depths for days and, in a further boon to America’s budding energy independence, it is likely to deliver itself right to our shores.

The influx of oil should not only save Americans money at the pump this summer, but, as tax payers, we will all benefit from government cutbacks in now-unnecessary offshore drilling programs.

Economists predict thousands of jobs are likely to be created, given the current shortage of professional bird washers. Manufacturers of sea-animal scrubbing kits are already upping production and anticipate a profitable second quarter.

The Obama administration took these events as a sign America is on the right track. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters yesterday, “Thanks to the President’s temple-building and statue-carving initiatives, not only are more Americans back at work, but the sea gods are happy, obviously.”

President Obama is now expected to focus on appeasing the sun gods. A successful effort there should help jump start the administration’s oft-delayed solar-energy program. 

For once, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin was supportive of the President. She has long been a proponent of bizarre, cultish rituals.

“Kill, baby kill!” Palin told cheering supporters at an animal-sacrifice event today. The best-selling author opened festivities by cutting the throat of an ox to show those present that we all share responsibility in civic affairs.

Despite the apparent windfall, some Americans are sounding a warning siren.

“This sets the country down a potentially dangerous path,” says Pinky Middleton, spokesperson for Americans United, an organization that advocates the separation of church and state. “When you suck up to one god, you run the risk of pissing off another.”

“C’ maaahn,” responds Bill O’Reilly, host of the popular TV show The O’Reilly Factor on Fox News. “The guy’s a pinhead.”

O’Reilly adds, “If what [Middleton] said were true, why are the snow gods giving us free giant ice-cubes? It looks like some of them are trying to appease us.”

It is believed he was referring to the breaking up of polar ice caps, which has freed huge chunks of frozen freshwater long imprisoned in the arctic and well beyond the reach of ordinary iced-tea drinkers. Until now.

With the oil supply in the Gulf of Mexico now rivaling that of the Persian Gulf, residents near the world’s other, less popular gulfs are scrambling to win heavenly favor by sacrificing first-born children and burning giant wicker men. In extreme cases, some are even searching for less-crappy gods. Books on Greek and Roman mythology are flying off the shelves at Gulf of Thailand bookstores, and India’s Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has gone so far as to propose renaming the Bay of Bengal the Gulf of Bengal.

“We have the gods,” a confident Singh told reporters in Mumbai yesterday. “We just need the gulf.”

For now, the Obama administration is not concerned with any of that, as they face a graver threat at home: A sea-faring terrorist organization calling itself “The Coast Guard” has threatened to set the oil on fire if their demands for knee socks aren’t met.

The president has suggested a compromise, granting temporary, limited amnesty that allows the white-clad pirates ashore to shop for socks at Wal-Mart.