Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘BP’

A round-up of the week’s most explosively super-unbelievable news stories!

Posted by oldancestor on August 5, 2010

Editorial note: It makes us sick that we have to do all this work rounding up and writing, and all you have to do is sit there clicking away without a care in the world, you lazy do nothings. Oh well. I guess someone has to write this junk. Here are your top stories of the week…

The Facts in the Case of M. Student Volunteer


BP service station takes 4 months to stop oil leak in guy’s car!


RANDOM, MN – A Minnesota man claimed this week that a BP gas station 70 miles west of Bloomington has had his 1999 Mitsubishi Gallant on a lift since April 20th, trying to repair an oil leak.

“It’s ridiculous,” says the man, 41-year-old Stanley Man’s-Laughter. “How hard is it to fix an oil leak? I’ve paid almost 6,000 dollars in car rental fees waiting for these guys.”

When reached for comment, the station’s owner, Tariq Azziz, said, “It’s hard to say how long it will take. It could be the oil pan. It could be the valve-cover gasket. Maybe the filter is loose. We just don’t know yet.”

The vehicle’s owner says he’s had enough.

“Why does this always happen to me? Nobody cares about me. I feel invisible. I want to scream ‘I AM STAN!’ at the top of my lungs. Does anyone care?”

Before we went to press, Man’s-Laughter dropped the apostrophe and hyphen from his name and went on a crazed shooting spree at the mall. Details at 11:00!


Scientists discover how to have cake and eat it too!


PRINCETON, NJ – Physicists at Princeton University have finally conquered a challenge that has daunted man for centuries: How to have your cake and eat it too.

Employing principles of Quantum Mechanics, researchers were able to ‘create’ a slice of black-forest double-strawberry cake (with whipped-cream icing) in a Dirac Wave Chamber at the exact moment the same slice of cake was being eaten by a student volunteer seated across the room.

“This is the first time something larger than a subatomic article has been able to exist in two places at once,” explains lead researcher Herbert West, who heads the Quantum Physics department at Princeton. “The doppelganger cake only existed for about a third of a second, but we’ll extend that time as we conduct more experiments. One day, you’ll be able to visit your mother-in-law and stay home to watch the game at the same time. What do you think of that?”

While that sounds enticing, it may not happen in our lifetimes. The Dirac Chamber, once switched on, causes anyone in the same room to liquefy within 15 seconds.

“Admittedly a drawback,” laughs Dr. West.

West is looking for a new student volunteer, so those who are interested should contact the university’s Physics office.


Banks finally reform into new shape: A raised middle finger


WASHINGTON, DC – Federal Reserve System engineers studying computer models have determined that the recently passed Banking Reform Law is causing the nation’s banking system to reform into a shape resembling a hand with a middle finger raised.

“We were afraid this would happen,” said an employee inside the Fed who declined to give his name. “But the numbers don’t lie. I swear I heard my computer laugh and say ‘f*ck y*u’ to me when it happened.”

In other economic news, yacht and mansion sales are brisk despite an allegedly poor consumer-confidence index, stagnant wages, and high unemployment.



Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , | 6 Comments »

BP, in an effort to appear more likeable, changes its name to Tom Hanks

Posted by oldancestor on July 29, 2010

By Eric J Baker


Little-known fact: BP actually stands for “Bionic Pencil”

LONDON – Incoming BP CEO Mel Gibson, who is set to replace the beleaguered Tony Hayward in a few months, announced today that the company was changing its name to Tom Hanks.

“Everyone loves Tom Hanks,” Gibson told reporters. “Everyone trusts Tom Hanks. That’s the image we are trying to cultivate. Love and trust. And oil. But not the leaky kind. Yuck.”

While it’s not uncommon for sports arenas to take corporate names in exchange for money, this is believed to be the first time a company has purchased the identity of a celebrity. Some are calling it a bold move by BP’s new leadership group.

“Gibson is trying to let people know he’s the new sheriff in town,” said business analyst Pinky Middleton of Detroit University Online. “In essence, he is the de facto leader.”

Middleton also said, “I’ve been dying for a reason to say that word. De Facto. Deeee Faaaactooooo. Cool. Do you need any more quotes? I’ve got lots of material.”

It may take more than a name change to reverse the British energy giant’s fortunes.  Public sentiment against the corporation is still high, despite its pretty green-and-yellow logo. Readers might  recall that BP was behind the worldwide Vaseline shortage last year, and it was recently discovered that the company has been poking holes in the Earth and making it bleed black blood.

Current CEO Hayward did no favors for his or the company’s image last week when, in full view of TV news cameras, he urinated from the deck of his yacht into Gulf waters off the coast of Florida.

Footage taken of the incident captured Hayward shouting, “Piss off, you bloody stupid Americans. And, for the record, it’s ‘tomahto.’ Wankers.”

That was enough for one American citizen to take action.

“We’re going to run him out of town,” says Chester Tool of Twister Magnet, Oklahoma, who has founded the activist group, Redcoats United, with the expressed aim of deporting undocumented British laborers. “We beat them in the Civil War and in World War II, and we’ll beat them again.”

When informed that the term ‘redcoat’ refers to British soldiers who fought against colonial forces in the American Revolution, Tool declined to respond, though his wife, Madge, said, “Where’s my cigarettes? The unfiltered ones.”

Gibson responded to the concerns of the anti-British-immigration faction by telling reporters, “Look. I hate the British too. You don’t see me renaming this company ‘Sir John Gielgud’ or ‘Afternoon Tea’ do you?”

In response to questions about BP’s unexpected move, a spokesman for the actor Tom Hanks said, “WILSON!” Those who had been expecting a quote from Forrest Gump were surprised by Hanks’ fictional response.

In a related story, actor Mel Gibson (no relation to the new BP CEO) announced he was changing his name to BP.

“I’m trying as hard as I can to be hated, and this ought to put me over the top,” he said this morning from the Los Angeles set of his new movie, A-Hole, in which he is playing a formerly beloved actor now prone to drunken, racist rants and domestic violence. According to sources inside the troubled production, the script is undergoing daily rewrites.

Posted in World News | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »