Transmissions from the alternate universe

Door hit Kim Jong Il’s ass on the way out, despite warnings

Posted by oldancestor on December 30, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake


Kim Jong Il in happier times, when he was less dead.

CAPE KENNEDY, FL – 2011 was already shaping up to be the worst year on record for evil scumbags when it was learned yesterday that the asses of terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden, Libyan fashionista Moammar Gadhafi, and North Korean hair model Kim Jong Il were all struck by the door on the way out. This despite repeated warnings from colloquial English speakers not to let it happen.

Discovery of the ass-hitting provided small consolation for those who believe the three men, all of whom died this year, did not suffer enough in passing.

“I’d like to have seen them dipped in honey and covered in fire ants, and then I would have watched as the ants slowly ate away at their flesh over several days, only to have someone come along and rub salt into their open wounds. But not enough to kill them, just enough to make them get all screamed out before someone else came along and ripped their finger nails off with pliers and then took a hammer and chisel to their teeth right before pouring boiling oil all over them and then, once they cooled off, sending in some baboons to rape them in the ears and eye sockets for fifteen hours,” said the Dalai Lama, a noted pacifist. “But I’ll take the ass smacking.”

Not everyone was so happy to hear the news.

“Evil took at hit in 2011, no doubt,” laments Pinky Middleton, owner of In Yo Face, Ltd., a company that sells novelty shooting targets featuring the likenesses of international villains. “I’m sitting a pile of inventory depicting people no one wants to pretend shoot anymore. Ah, well. Maybe Celine Dion will put out an album this year.”

The ass-hitting incident was discovered by NASA’s newest rover, the Godbot3000, which can see the past, the future, and all planes of existence, including the afterworld, over infinite distances of time and space. It can also take soil samples.

In related but less-important news, NASA scientists discovered the meaning of life, the origin of the universe, and whether God exists yesterday using their newest rover, the Godbot3000, which can see the past, the future, and all planes of existence, including the afterworld, over infinite distances of time and space. Details are available on The Anvil Pro Edition, available now for a low introductory subscription rate of $39.99 per month.*



*put the money inside a stuffed giraffe and leave it behind the cardboard recycling dumpster across the parking lot from my apartment tonight. Dont let anyone see you, especially NASA, though thats a fruitless endeavor these days, isnt it?


6 Responses to “Door hit Kim Jong Il’s ass on the way out, despite warnings”

  1. Yeah. . .but what a door! Such a door, in fact, that the best condemners are often heard to say, “Be sure to let “The Door” hit you on the way out!” In related news, Jim Morrison’s family is petitioning the government for a law requiring that any mention of “The Door” include a disclaimer that Jim Morrison is in no way responsible for the swinging of the aforementioned “The Door.”

    Pete Townshend has been recently quoted as saying that he is the one responsible for opening the door that hit Kim and Osama on the way out. “Let my love open the door!” is his motto. He didn’t realize when he wrote and first sang the song that it would turn out to have such a pivotal place in world history. He did not mention, however, exactly who or what he expects to close the door. Love is obviously occupied. Disgust has been known to volunteer when needed. . .

    • And you never wrote fake news for Rolling Stone?

      In other Morrison news, Van Morrison is insisting he had nothing to do with Kim Jong Il’s brown eyes. Meanwhile, Toni Morrison is considering changing her name so she won’t be included in this sentence.

      Re: Let My Love Open the Door. Great song.

  2. Oh.. you two just Light my Home fire…..

  3. Dude?

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