THE ANVIL

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Posts Tagged ‘Lacy Thundercake’

Punxsutawney Phil escapes Doomsday in tiny rocket

Posted by oldancestor on May 20, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Sayonara, Earth!

PITTSBURGH, PA – Clairvoyant groundhog Punxsutawney Phil was spotted leaving our planet in his mini-starship today, likely in anticipation of tomorrow’s apocalypse. Most credible scientists view his escape as confirmation of the May 21st doomsday prediction made by noted predictor Harold Camping, who has won many converts with his zero-for-zero accuracy record.

Startled witnesses reported seeing the famous groundhog’s tiny craft lift off this morning from the western Pennsylvania woods near Punxsutawney Phil’s hometown, ironically also called Punxsutawney.

“He must have seen his shadow… in Hell,” said local resident Otis Toole, a follower of Camping, when asked why he thought Phil decided to skip the impending Rapture.

NASA scientists are unsure where the popular rodent will go, given the lack of groundhog-friendly planets in our solar system.

Cracky McShake, a geologist with the University of Detroit Online, said he doubted the doomsday prediction for too long.

“I’m only half done building my UFO,” he says. “All I needed was to figure out how it would fly. And how to get it out of my basement without cutting a big hole in the house. Oh well.”

Professor McShake holds out hope that Jesus will take a while to judge everyone.

“They’re saying six months, on account of Jesus being somewhat of a micromanager who doesn’t like to delegate tasks to subordinates,” he explains. “I’ll just hang low, Mel-Gibson-in-The-Road-Warrior style, until my ship is done.”

He later added, “Plywood, baby!”

Punxsutawney Phil’s departure is sure to boost the ratings of tonight’s ABC television special, Dick Clark’s End of the World Rockin’ Eve, airing at 11 pm. Set to be broadcast live from Times Square in New York City, the show will feature live performances from Beyonce, Green Day, Katie Perry, Elton John, Placido Domingo, and Lady Gaga. Justin Bieber was also scheduled to appear, but advertisers feared his presence might invite an early start to Armageddon and demanded a cancellation.

Lady Gaga said she plans to dress as the Virgin Mary, including the shrink wrap, magenta panties, and a metallic bra with glow-in-the-dark nipple stars described in the Gospels.

“Jesus wouldn’t send his mother to hell, would he?” Gaga told The Anvil via telephone this afternoon. “Then again, he probably will in my case, because I’m so persecuted all the time.”

No one is sure when the apocalypse will start tomorrow or if Jesus will respect the International Date Line, thus giving Hawaiians a little extra breathing room but royally screwing Fiji. Calls to Jesus’ 24-hour-hotline, 1-88-JUDGMENT, went unanswered.

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Editorial note: This version corrects an earlier headline that wasn’t drawing enough clicks

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Posted in Science, World News | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments »

Famous blogger critically injured by falling Anvil

Posted by oldancestor on May 17, 2011

 
Hanson Anderson, prior to his disfiguring accident

By Lacy Thundercake

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA – Blogger and part-time unabomber Hanson Anderson of Weird Dude Blog was seriously injured at his cabin in the Australian Alps yesterday when an anvil fell on his head, flattening him. Police are treating the incident as a hate crime.

“Pretty much everybody hates the guy,” said Sydney police commissioner Fred “Crocodile” Gordon. “I’d have done it myself, mate, but I’m the police and then I’d have all kinds of paperwork.”

Anderson has gained notoriety in recent years by targeting beloved media outlets like People’s Republic of Korea’s Dear Leader Television for Democratic Workers’ Unity in North Korea and others with scathing diatribes that resemble the rantings of a 16th century goat molester with undiagnosed demonic possession. He has also been arrested several times for prancing topless in public fountains while shouting, “Dead dogs don’t die!” according to police reports from several countries in eastern Europe.

Investigators have yet to determine where the anvil that struck Anderson fell from, but police aren’t ruling out a political motive for the attack.

“An anvil is a strange choice of weapon to attack somebody,” says Commissioner Gordon. “Someone was trying to send a message. We just don’t know what it is as yet.”

Some experts believe it may be the work of Antonio Banderas.

“You have to be tall and handsome to pull something like that off,” says Sir Edmund Bollocks, a professor at Oxford University and expert on pasty-white weirdoes being injured by heavy objects.

Anderson is said to be recuperating at an undisclosed hospital in Sydney, under police protection. Officers have been instructed to prevent Antonio Banderas from entering the room, just in case.

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Editorial note: Anvil editor Old Ancestor is traveling “on business” at an undisclosed location and will delete your unread emails upon his return. Thank you to Qantas airlines for allowing a 700-pound, anvil-shaped carry on bag.

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BAM!

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 29 Comments »