THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

A round-up of the week’s most explosively super-unbelievable news stories!

Posted by oldancestor on August 5, 2010

Editorial note: It makes us sick that we have to do all this work rounding up and writing, and all you have to do is sit there clicking away without a care in the world, you lazy do nothings. Oh well. I guess someone has to write this junk. Here are your top stories of the week…

The Facts in the Case of M. Student Volunteer

 

BP service station takes 4 months to stop oil leak in guy’s car!

 

RANDOM, MN – A Minnesota man claimed this week that a BP gas station 70 miles west of Bloomington has had his 1999 Mitsubishi Gallant on a lift since April 20th, trying to repair an oil leak.

“It’s ridiculous,” says the man, 41-year-old Stanley Man’s-Laughter. “How hard is it to fix an oil leak? I’ve paid almost 6,000 dollars in car rental fees waiting for these guys.”

When reached for comment, the station’s owner, Tariq Azziz, said, “It’s hard to say how long it will take. It could be the oil pan. It could be the valve-cover gasket. Maybe the filter is loose. We just don’t know yet.”

The vehicle’s owner says he’s had enough.

“Why does this always happen to me? Nobody cares about me. I feel invisible. I want to scream ‘I AM STAN!’ at the top of my lungs. Does anyone care?”

Before we went to press, Man’s-Laughter dropped the apostrophe and hyphen from his name and went on a crazed shooting spree at the mall. Details at 11:00!

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Scientists discover how to have cake and eat it too!

           

PRINCETON, NJ – Physicists at Princeton University have finally conquered a challenge that has daunted man for centuries: How to have your cake and eat it too.

Employing principles of Quantum Mechanics, researchers were able to ‘create’ a slice of black-forest double-strawberry cake (with whipped-cream icing) in a Dirac Wave Chamber at the exact moment the same slice of cake was being eaten by a student volunteer seated across the room.

“This is the first time something larger than a subatomic article has been able to exist in two places at once,” explains lead researcher Herbert West, who heads the Quantum Physics department at Princeton. “The doppelganger cake only existed for about a third of a second, but we’ll extend that time as we conduct more experiments. One day, you’ll be able to visit your mother-in-law and stay home to watch the game at the same time. What do you think of that?”

While that sounds enticing, it may not happen in our lifetimes. The Dirac Chamber, once switched on, causes anyone in the same room to liquefy within 15 seconds.

“Admittedly a drawback,” laughs Dr. West.

West is looking for a new student volunteer, so those who are interested should contact the university’s Physics office.

**********

Banks finally reform into new shape: A raised middle finger

 

WASHINGTON, DC – Federal Reserve System engineers studying computer models have determined that the recently passed Banking Reform Law is causing the nation’s banking system to reform into a shape resembling a hand with a middle finger raised.

“We were afraid this would happen,” said an employee inside the Fed who declined to give his name. “But the numbers don’t lie. I swear I heard my computer laugh and say ‘f*ck y*u’ to me when it happened.”

In other economic news, yacht and mansion sales are brisk despite an allegedly poor consumer-confidence index, stagnant wages, and high unemployment.

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6 Responses to “A round-up of the week’s most explosively super-unbelievable news stories!”

  1. jeanie said

    I was going to leave a comment on your blog but I was taken aback by your editorial note:

    ” all you have to do is sit there clicking away without a care in the world, you lazy do nothings”

    and suddenly realized.. I AM a lazy do nothing! Can you ever forgive me?
    by the way- how can I get me a piece of that black forest double strawberry cake?
    I hope I don’t have to go all the way to KANSAS for it.

    • You actually have to go to the black forest of Germany! And witches live in those woods.

      But people do it, because black forest cake is just. that. good.

      • jeanie said

        Uh..hum.. you never actually forgave me about the whole “lazy do nothing” thing.
        The black forest cake comment was just a smokescreen to prove I actually read the blog.
        The main objective here was to get your approval. For a fake news editor you are quite clueless- no offense.
        Do I have to go all the way to KANSAS for some sort of validation??

        • Why should it fall to me to salve your feelings of do nothingness? Perhaps you are a buddhist and are seeking nothingness. You might be doing your best work yet.

          You can’t go to Kansas, by the way. Dorothy took out a restraining order against you.

  2. Thank you very much for sharing this. Please keep up the good work.

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