THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Scientists say cavemen were disgusting

Posted by oldancestor on June 12, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

The chicken: Victim or Accomplice?

 

 

NEW YORK – A team of archeologists at New York’s Columbia University announced today that cavemen were disgusting. The discovery was made after the researchers did research.

 

“Humans who lived in the first agricultural societies about 10,000 years ago had some repulsive eating habits,” said Dr. Doug Bones, who led the project. “Can you believe they actually monitored the menstrual cycle of captive hens [female chickens] and devoured the animals’ output? They even used the stuff for cooking prehistoric pancakes.”

 

The scientists were able to piece the evidence together after unearthing stone frying pans and spatulas alongside early boxes of Bisquick.

 

Dr. Bones adds, “What do you expect from people who were too lazy to write anything down, forcing folks like me to spend our precious time digging in dirty fields instead of playing golf?”

 

When asked if it was appropriate for reporters to call these early farmers ‘cavemen,’ Bones said, “Don’t be stupid. They didn’t live in caves. You’re thinking of Neanderthals, a human subspecies that died out thousands of years beforehand. But if it makes your trashy headline more lurid, go for it.”

 

So what caused the Neanderthals to perish while our ancestors thrived?

 

“Did I say they died out? I meant to say they became reporters,” Dr. Bones explains.

 

Scientists aren’t the only ones who think eating a hen period is disgusting. Sunny Sydupp, who owns Sunny’s House of Omelets in Muncie, Indiana says, “So you mean this stuff came out of a chicken’s you-who-what and then they ate it? That doesn’t go over easy with me.”

 

Disgusting? Science says "yes"

Sydupp’s business partner, Meg Benedict, adds, “Are we talking about those guys on the Geico commercial? Ew. I knew they were perverts.”

 

Adding to the mystery is why a South American university, Columbia, is located in New York City.

 

Oxford professor and expert on weird university names, Sir Edmund Bollocks, says, “I think you’re confusing Columbia with Colombia. One has a ‘u’ and the other has an ‘o,’” which makes him look like a pompous jerk, since we can obviously tell our vowels apart.

 

When asked if he was willing to say something topical about the Anthony Weiner photo scandal, Sarah Palin’s e-mails, or Tracy Morgan’s homophobic rant to help this story draw more clicks, he said, “No.”

Lady Gaga?

“No.”

 

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23 Responses to “Scientists say cavemen were disgusting”

  1. nrhatch said

    Terrific. The research is top notch . . .

    Especially enjoyed:

    * “Did I say they died out? I meant to say they became reporters,” Dr. Bones explains.

    * When asked if he was willing to say something topical about the Anthony Weiner photo scandal, Sarah Palin’s e-mails, or Tracy Morgan’s homophobic rant to help this story draw more clicks, he said, “No.”

    Lady Gaga?

    “No.”

    Great post, but I’m still wondering which came first . . . the chicken or the rooster? Gobble. Gobble.

  2. nrhatch said

    On an unrelated, related note . . . the layout is looking FAB. It almosts looks like you know what you are doing. 😉

    • Thanks. Any similarity between the work of a person who knows anything about computers and me is purely coincidental.

      I’ve sampled other themes and this is the only one that lets me customize three columns.

  3. Woman said

    Prehistoric pancakes!!! Tee he he!!! I love it!!!! You crack me up!!!

  4. So, if they couldn’t make it easier for archaeologists by writing their own history down, how did they manage a “Bisquick” box? Hmmm? Hmmm? Let’s just say that some archaeologists, anthropologists, paleontologists, and/or journalists are just plain stupid.

    Also, I must point out to you that the question of whether the chicken or egg came first is still unknown. They were both too polite. You see, they stood at the door of creation, and had the following conversation: “You first!” “No, no! YOU first!” “No, I insist, after you!” etc. etc. Since no one but God was there to see, and God has revealed the conversation only, (in his Holy Word: I Chicken 1:1-4), and has for whatever reason refused to give us the definitive answer, we can only speculate. That malarkey about roosters and chicken wings is just plain malarkenous speculative ideation and has no place in such a serious journalist’s blog/newspaper. Besides, shouldn’t you address Nancy’s egregious error in thinking a chicken goes “Gobble Gobble?” I don’t know what I should expect from a vegetarian, but I do expect more intelligencee than that!

    Sorry, Nancy – but the truth must be told. . .

    • Woah. This theological stuff is over my head.

      • Those of ussin with good eddications tend t’like stickin’ it to those who obviously don’t have sum. But reely you don’t have to have a big eddication iffin’ you go to that spider thang called
        The Interweb, or the Spidernet and look up the lost Old Testimint books of the Chicken: I Chicken, II Chicken, III Chicken, and the recently found IV Chicken. Probly only found recently, cause she just got out of the hospital – leest-wise, that’s the way I figger it. If yew ever need a guist blogger, particlarly ones ’bout those lost books of Chicken, let me no.

      • Holy Poultry and pass the plate of wings…..

  5. I like his Ray-bans….

  6. cdanielsen said

    I really enjoyed this post especially the clever word play in the paragraph regarding eating hen periods. I have to agree with the scientists that Neanderthal is disgusting, cool shades though.

  7. The Hook said

    Gee, you’d think cavemen were neat, orderly fellows considering how well they treated the ladies!

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