THE ANVIL

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Posts Tagged ‘angels’

Earthquakes caused by angels’ incompetent bowling

Posted by oldancestor on August 15, 2010

“I thought they were supposed to watch over us!”

– Quake survivor

 

By Eric J Baker

The Pentagon's new AngelKiller 7000 attack helicopter. "We'll do what we must," says General Petraeus.

DETROIT, MI – Until 1970, scientists believed thunder was the sound of shock waves caused by the rapid expansion of superheated air following a lightning strike. That’s when Detroit University Online geophysicist Cracky McShake put forth the controversial theory that thunder was actually the sound of angels bowling. He was later proven right and went on to win the Nobel Prize for Science.

Now, 40 years later, Professor McShake is making headlines again. In this month’s issue of Seismology Today, the septuagenarian is claiming that earthquakes are caused by those same angels throwing gutter balls. 

“It’s simple,” says McShake. “Clouds are the lanes, those balls weigh fifty thousand tons each, and we’re the gutter. Not to sound overly technical, but when that ball impacts the planet’s surface, everything gets all vibratey and fally, and people run around going ‘AHHHHHH!!!’ Otherwise known as an earthquake.”

Though Dr. McShake’s theory prevails throughout much of the scientific world, not everyone agrees.

“Can anyone explain to me the absence of ball fragments?” asks geologist Gyro Spanakopita of Athens University in Greece. Spanakopita has visited the site of several recent quakes and has yet to find such fragments or, perhaps even more telling, evidence of impact craters.

Dr. McShake responded by saying, “We can’t think of angel balls as actual balls. They’re metaphysical balls. When you’re dealing with science, you just have to have faith.”

Televangelist Pat Robertson was quick to seize the Professor’s findings and put his own spin on them.

“Have you noticed that earthquakes usually strike in places where incorrect religions are practiced?” Robertson asked viewers of his show, The 700 Club, last night. “Where the professor and I differ is that I believe the angels are throwing those balls on purpose and saying, ‘F**k you, you heathen scum.’”

He later added, “Now let us pray.”

While McShake doesn’t openly dispute Robertson’s words, he did distance himself from the notion of wrathful judgment.

“I think what we need to do is find out why angels are so goddamned bad at bowling,” he said.

A small number of scientists, mostly weirdoes from community colleges and science-fiction films, have suggested the Earth goes through geologic cycles on a scale too broad for laymen to comprehend, hence the appearance of a looming Armageddon every time seismic activity spikes. They also point out that human population has more than doubled in the past century. As a result, a heavier concentration of people living along fault lines engenders a higher risk of structural damage and casualties when a quake does strike.

Those scientists are most likely misinformed idiots worshiping at the false idol of reason, say Internet posters.

McShake believes the best way humans can protect themselves is if all the world’s children write messages of peace to the angels (requesting that they, perhaps, take up billiards instead), attach them to helium balloons, and release them.

“But make sure you’re polite,” he warns kids, “or you might not wake up the next morning.”

Satan, former overlord of Hell but now unemployed, was quoted as telling mankind, “With friends like these, who needs me?”

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