THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

New Osama Bin Laden video shows change in Al Qaeda strategy

Posted by oldancestor on October 3, 2010

By Eric J Baker

Bin Laden's new video, Buns of Hatred

PAKISTAN – In a new Al Qaeda video released this weekend, Osama Bin Laden delivered a message to the world: Less cardio and more strength training is the way to go.

“You’ll lose weight from strength training, believe me,” the terrorist mastermind said on the tape, just before leading a 30-minute exercise segment featuring the use of resistance bands and kick boxing with ankle weights.

Bin Laden’s views on a low-carb, high-protein diet are unchanged from previous videos.

Unfortunately for Al Qaeda, the workout tape is only available in VHS format, a factor which is likely to limit sales. In recent years, buyers of home video products have abandoned videotapes in favor of the superior picture and sound offered by DVD and Blu-ray disks. Exercise programs are even available “on demand” from cable companies or streamed via the Internet.

“These guys are so out of touch,” said Diane Getyerfreakon, spokesperson for Netflix, a popular rent-by-mail service. “It’s like they’ve been living in a cave for the past ten years.”

[Update: As this article went to press, it was learned that Ms. Getyerfreakon thought we were discussing the recent bankruptcy of Blockbuster Video, Inc. – Ed.]

When asked to respond to Getyerfreakon’s comments, an unnamed representative for Bin Laden said, “INFIDELS! YOU WILL DIE THE TEN THOUSAND FLAMING DEATHS OF HELL, AND YOUR CHILDREN’S EYE SOCKETS WILL BE RAPED BY GOATS!”

He went on to say, “Hey, man, VHS is making a comeback. Remember when the Great Satan tried so hard to make vinyl go away? Well, you can still buy a turntable. Am I wrong? I didn’t think so.”

No phone listing was found for anyone named Great Satan, but The Anvil was able to contact Evil Bastard, CEO of [classified], the shadowy conglomerate that secretly owns the home-entertainment and consumer-electronics industries, and ask him what he thought of Al Qaeda’s claim.

“The return of VHS, eh? Pretty laughable,” he said. “Those clowns can’t even hold a camcorder without shaking the sh*t out of it, so what do they know?”

Bastard added, “Still, if I want VHS to make a comeback, it will. I decide what people want and don’t want. If I say, ‘type the next paragraph in donkey language,’ you will.”

He-haw. He-haw he-haw he-haw, “He-haw he-haw he-haw he-haw he-haw.” He-haw he-haw he-haw heeeee-haaaaaw.

Al Qaeda’s once-popular fitness videos first gained attention from consumers around nine years ago with the release of the 20-minute Monkey Bar Workout, which involves swinging across a set of monkey bars in billowy cotton robes with a rifle slung across the shoulder, then running to the back of the line and doing it again. For a while, the terror organization marketed a clothing line modeled on the robes, which advertisements promised would, “wick away sweat while encouraging ventilation.”

Competition is fiercer for Al Qaeda these days. In addition to the array of home-video formats to contend with, other organizations have started producing workout videos, flooding a market that often gravitates toward the new and different.

Afghanistan’s Taliban group has already released three volumes in its popular Tali-Bo series, and Al-Qaeda-in-Iraq’s Low-Impact Insurgency has sold well. But perhaps the greatest threat to Bin Laden’s fitness video business comes from the CIA’s Predator Drone workout DVD entitled, One-second Weight Loss.

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8 Responses to “New Osama Bin Laden video shows change in Al Qaeda strategy”

  1. Hee-Haw! Heee-Haawww! (Sounds of muffled argument.) “And STAY OUT!” Now, I have control of the keyboard once again. I was able to overcome Fat Bastard (Evil Bastard’s younger brother). EB was stupid to send in the second string!

    I hate to be the one to inform you, however, that Al Qaeda is still marketing their clothing line – they just changed strategies. It is being sold under the name of “The Snuggi” and is quickly becoming their #1 money-maker. Little did you know that while sitting warm and cozy at the local high school football game on winter evenings that the warmth you were experiencing was supplied by AQ, and that in purchasing it you were part of the funding for their quest for world domination!

    Beware the Snuggi – you not only look like a cult member when wearing one, you are actually supporting the world’s most nefarious cult!

  2. jeanie said

    I work out to the Tali-Bo video every day. Its quite a workout – and the way my berka hugs my ripped abs- so sexy….

  3. Have you ever considered about including a little bit more than just your articles?
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  4. It seems you actually know a lot related to this subject and that shows with this particular post, given the name “New Osama Bin
    Laden video shows change in Al Qaeda strategy
    THE ANVIL”. Thx -Trent

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