THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Foreclosure Crisis Too Boring for Fake News Journals?

Posted by oldancestor on October 14, 2010

By Lennie

Artist's rendition showing how people might appear when reading a fake news article about foreclosures

You’ve seen them on magazine covers, spread across the front pages of newspapers, and splashed all over the Internet: Articles about the Foreclosure Crisis, usually accompanied by a photograph of a lower-middle-class ranch home with a “foreclosed” sign posted on the front lawn. If you’re a self-styled fake news journalist with several pseudonyms, you may have even thought, for f**k’s sake! Are the news media so bereft of creativity that they can’t think of another way to illustrate an article on this subject?

Whether you’re a fake news writer or not, you probably haven’t said, “Damn, the foreclosure crisis is a goldmine of comedy. It’s like a sopping-wet humor sponge waiting to be squeezed.”

[And if you’re a fake news writer who created a simile using the phrase ‘sopping-wet humor sponge,’ you probably shouldn’t be allowed near a computer keyboard ever again – Ed.]

That’s right. Foreclosure crises and comedy go together like Bill O’Reilly and Whoopi Goldberg (how’s that for topical, boss?). [whatevs – Ed.]  In fact, the last funny person who had anything to do with foreclosures was the late, great Bernie Mac who, along with Fannie Mae, lent craploads of money to people for mortgages they couldn’t afford, or something like that.

“I wouldn’t do a foreclosure article,” says Eric J Baker, head writer for the online fake news journal, The Anvil. “Not even using a false name. Financial stuff is always dull.”

Angry Pink Bunny, head writer for rival fake news journal, The Avocado, agrees. “I’d write a freaking article on filibusters before I touch foreclosure humor, if there even were such a thing. Not only is it boring, but people are sick of hearing about it.”

But what about Comedy Central’s Jon Stewart, whose popular fake news program, The Daily Show, has touched on the subject numerous times?

“Don’t mention that name in my presence ever again,” bristles Bunny. “He needs a staff of hundreds to do what I do by myself. And he steals my jokes. Is he reading this? HEY, STEWART! I’M GUNNING FOR YOU. DO YOU HEAR ME, HOT SHOT? I GOT YOU IN MY CROSS HARES. PUN FREAKING INTENDED!”

Baker takes a more philosophical view.

“Jon Stewart isn’t fake news,” he says. “The Onion is fake news. The Anvil is fake news, only a lot more clever. Jon Stewart is real news, done with humor.”

To test Baker’s assertion, I decided to watch a full week’s worth of The Daily Show broadcasts. My intention was to determine if Stewart makes up events and creates false quotes or merely mocks various news broadcasters and politicians by playing video clips and offering wry commentary afterward. Then I remembered I don’t have cable.

Which is just as well, because my editor said I am only allowed 513 words per article and if I go over that amount I have to pay 10 cents per word. I just hope I have enough words left to tell you who really shot John F Kennedy. You won’t believe this, but it was

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Editorial note: The Anvil wishes to apologize to our readers for today’s Angry Pink Bunny image, which looks more like an angry pink cat in a bunny costume. We promise to do better next time.

4 Responses to “Foreclosure Crisis Too Boring for Fake News Journals?”

  1. art vandolay said

    Your artists redition was dead on. I looked exactly like the guy on the bottom left when I finished reading “Foreclosure crisis too boring for fake news journals.” Which is odd- because before I read the article my flesh was completely intact.

  2. jeanie said

    As someone who is suffering greatly in this current ecomomic crisis, I can tell you foreclosure is no laughing matter.
    Take my house…..
    seriously..take it- I can’t afford the payments.(cymbal crash)
    ah hahahaha.
    And you said the foreclosure crisis wasn’t funny.

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