Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘World’

Egyptians protesting without permits!

Posted by oldancestor on February 2, 2011

Obama: “In that case, nuke ‘em.”

By Eric J Baker

Are these men angry at their government or happy their team scored?

CAIRO – An Anvil investigation has revealed that the thousands of protestors storming the streets in Egypt this week have been doing so without permits, prompting world leaders to shift their support away from democratic reform and toward totalitarianism.

Speaking from the rose garden prior to boarding whatever-the-helicopter-is-called, President Obama told the White House Press Corps today that, “There’s no excuse for failing to follow the rule of law. Democracy is cool, but they should stand in line for permits just like they would if they wanted to install a built-in pool.”

Other leaders, including French President Nicolas Sarkozy and Glenn Beck, prime minister of Glennbeckistan, have condemned the protests, with Sarkozy decrying the lack of “hot” female protestors and Beck saying, “I think all these people should go back to Egypt if they don’t like the way Mubarak is running things.”

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak himself has said he is fine with the protests, but, as President Obama pointed out only four paragraphs ago, protocols must be followed.

“Hey,” Mubarak told reporters this morning, “you just need to go down to the local municipal office, pay two bucks, and you can protest. Is that too much to ask?”

Yes, according to protest organizer Stan Tut.

“Let me tell you about getting the permit in Cairo,” Tut told The Anvil via telephone today. “They ask you why you want to protest. I say, ‘I want to overthrow the government.’ Then they take my two bucks and kick me out! The only choice is violence.”

Indeed, Egypt has become a violent place, as CNN reporter Anderson Cooper found out yesterday when he and his film crew were caught in a skirmish between anti-government protesters and Mubarak supporters. Footage taken by cameramen shows Cooper being staggered by a blow after the crowd surged around him.*

Cooper was quoted by sort-of news Web site Huffington Post as saying, “I’ve never been punched in the head before.” Prior to the punching incident, Cooper was believed to be the only male over the age of five on the entire planet who has never been punched in the head.

Protestor and part-time caterer Fuad Ramses, who was present at the attack, said, “Tell him to come back with a real first name, and maybe we don’t punch him in the head.”

In other news, Time magazine has preemptively declared the guy who invented road salt to be “Man of the Year.”



* Maybe. We didn’t actually watch it.

Posted in World News | Tagged: , , | 19 Comments »

New Osama Bin Laden video shows change in Al Qaeda strategy

Posted by oldancestor on October 3, 2010

By Eric J Baker

Bin Laden's new video, Buns of Hatred

PAKISTAN – In a new Al Qaeda video released this weekend, Osama Bin Laden delivered a message to the world: Less cardio and more strength training is the way to go.

“You’ll lose weight from strength training, believe me,” the terrorist mastermind said on the tape, just before leading a 30-minute exercise segment featuring the use of resistance bands and kick boxing with ankle weights.

Bin Laden’s views on a low-carb, high-protein diet are unchanged from previous videos.

Unfortunately for Al Qaeda, the workout tape is only available in VHS format, a factor which is likely to limit sales. In recent years, buyers of home video products have abandoned videotapes in favor of the superior picture and sound offered by DVD and Blu-ray disks. Exercise programs are even available “on demand” from cable companies or streamed via the Internet.

“These guys are so out of touch,” said Diane Getyerfreakon, spokesperson for Netflix, a popular rent-by-mail service. “It’s like they’ve been living in a cave for the past ten years.”

[Update: As this article went to press, it was learned that Ms. Getyerfreakon thought we were discussing the recent bankruptcy of Blockbuster Video, Inc. – Ed.]

When asked to respond to Getyerfreakon’s comments, an unnamed representative for Bin Laden said, “INFIDELS! YOU WILL DIE THE TEN THOUSAND FLAMING DEATHS OF HELL, AND YOUR CHILDREN’S EYE SOCKETS WILL BE RAPED BY GOATS!”

He went on to say, “Hey, man, VHS is making a comeback. Remember when the Great Satan tried so hard to make vinyl go away? Well, you can still buy a turntable. Am I wrong? I didn’t think so.”

No phone listing was found for anyone named Great Satan, but The Anvil was able to contact Evil Bastard, CEO of [classified], the shadowy conglomerate that secretly owns the home-entertainment and consumer-electronics industries, and ask him what he thought of Al Qaeda’s claim.

“The return of VHS, eh? Pretty laughable,” he said. “Those clowns can’t even hold a camcorder without shaking the sh*t out of it, so what do they know?”

Bastard added, “Still, if I want VHS to make a comeback, it will. I decide what people want and don’t want. If I say, ‘type the next paragraph in donkey language,’ you will.”

He-haw. He-haw he-haw he-haw, “He-haw he-haw he-haw he-haw he-haw.” He-haw he-haw he-haw heeeee-haaaaaw.

Al Qaeda’s once-popular fitness videos first gained attention from consumers around nine years ago with the release of the 20-minute Monkey Bar Workout, which involves swinging across a set of monkey bars in billowy cotton robes with a rifle slung across the shoulder, then running to the back of the line and doing it again. For a while, the terror organization marketed a clothing line modeled on the robes, which advertisements promised would, “wick away sweat while encouraging ventilation.”

Competition is fiercer for Al Qaeda these days. In addition to the array of home-video formats to contend with, other organizations have started producing workout videos, flooding a market that often gravitates toward the new and different.

Afghanistan’s Taliban group has already released three volumes in its popular Tali-Bo series, and Al-Qaeda-in-Iraq’s Low-Impact Insurgency has sold well. But perhaps the greatest threat to Bin Laden’s fitness video business comes from the CIA’s Predator Drone workout DVD entitled, One-second Weight Loss.



Posted in World News | Tagged: , , , , , | 8 Comments »

Humans vow to gore bulls in revenge

Posted by oldancestor on July 8, 2010

Minotaur may be called in to broker peace treaty


By Eric J Baker


This man was disfigured by a back-alley horn job. He also keeps his cat in a silver spacesuit, which is odd.

PAMPLONA, SPAIN – Calls to plastic surgeons and body-modification specialists are surging all across Spain this week as fed-up humans seek to even the score against bulls for the vicious gorings that have claimed several lives recently.

Bull attacks traditionally spike this time of year in Spain, an anomaly law-enforcement experts are at a loss to explain. Since the bovine creatures sport a deadly rack of horns on their heads, the victims are often left dead or maimed.

“I’m scared to walk outside anymore,” says 44-year-old Pamplona resident Pinky Rodriguez. “Those bulls think they own the place.”

If Spaniards have their way, the tables may soon be turned. Thousands of young adults say they plan to have synthetic horn racks mounted on their heads in the coming months. It’s not a new procedure, but doctors say they haven’t seen this volume of people electing to go under the knife (and drill, in this case) for any other type of surgery.

“I can’t keep the racks in stock,” says Dr. Esmeralda Villalobos, while her team of nurses and assistants preps yet another patient. “This one here is a popular model.”

She points to the prosthetic device sitting on the surgical table, waiting for its new owner. The white PVC poly-resin horn rack weighs only four pounds but is hard enough to withstand the force of a hydraulic press.

The patient, art history student Diego Velazquez, seems eager.

“Watch out, bulls,” he says, patting his shaved forehead. “Diego is coming to collect a debt.”

But not right away. The procedure requires the cutting away of sections of skull to create slots into which the rack (pre-molded to fit the patient’s head) is inserted. The rack is then secured with titanium screws, and the patient’s skin, muscle, and tendons are configured to grow around the base of the horns. Recovery is said to take several weeks and can be an extremely painful process. A small percentage of those who have had the procedure performed experience painful headaches that never go away.

“A lot of people think it’s worth the risk,” explains Dr. Villalobos. “Bulls suddenly aren’t so tough when they get a look at one of these rigs.”

But is that true?

Frank Ungulate, a former member of a bull gang who now advises law enforcement on bull-gang activity, says no.

“Those kids are nuts and the so-called doctors who disserve them should be arrested,” he says. “Trust me; a thousand-pound bull with a six-foot horn span isn’t going to be intimidated by some scrawny 19-year-old human with plastic twigs attached to his flimsy skull. This is only going to escalate the violence.”

A bull gangster who would only identify himself as Taury and claims to be a member of the notorious gang, The Horn Section, told the Anvil, “Them skinny human dudes is in for a rude awakening. They been trying this [expletive] for years. Man, I’m gonna gore me the next skinny dude I see with fake horns.”

Indeed, people have been getting horns installed for decades, but the procedure only became legal three years ago. Prior to the law being passed, those who wanted a rack had to visit a back-alley practitioner, often receiving a set made of wood or particle board and frequently ending up with disfiguring scars and potentially deadly infections.

“Look at me,” says Waldemar Daninsky, a Polish expatriate living in Madrid. “I’m hideous.”

Daninsky reveals the red, swollen flesh around the horn’s mounting point. His skull is uneven in places.

“They used nails. Hammered ‘em right into my skull,” he says. “Well, the good news is, I’m really good at math now. I’m going to help NASA plan the trajectory for the probe they’re sending to Europa.”

 Because the horns damaged his eyesight and obscure objects around him, Daninsky often trips or bumps into things. During our interview, he stepped in a pile of manure left behind by a stampeding gang a short time earlier.

“Man,” he says, scraping his shoe. “This is bullsh*t.”

Posted in World News | Tagged: , , , , | 7 Comments »

General McChrystal tells the Inquirer: “Obama has a bony ass”

Posted by oldancestor on June 24, 2010

A cry for help? 


By Eric J Baker 



General Stanley McChrystal, circa 1992, in his more carefree days


WASHINGTON DC – General Stanley McChrystal, who was relieved of his duties as US Commander of Armed Forces in Afghanistan yesterday by President Obama, now finds himself in even deeper trouble after another disparaging comment he made about the administration has come to light. 

In this week’s issue of National Inquirer, McChrystal was asked which administration official looks best in a swimsuit, to which he replied, “Well, it’s not the President. He has a bony ass.” 

The general went on to say Vice President Joe Biden looks “pasty” and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton should “stop buying ugly one-piece swimsuits at Target.” 

The latest remarks follow those that appeared in Rolling Stone magazine last week and eventually cost McChrystal his job. In that interview, he said, “The President is all right, but that Michelle… ooh la la. There’s a woman. I’d like to take her home and show her what a real man is like… wait… you’re not recording this are you?” 

McChrystal’s firing puts him on a short list of high-profile military leaders who lost their positions in the midst of a combat campaign, including General Douglas Macarthur, who was fired by President Harry Truman during the Korean War in 1951, and General Zod, who was stripped of power by Superman in 1980. 

But since McChrystal has already been relieved of his duties, what can the President do to punish him for this latest transgression? As Commander-in-Chief, Obama has the authority to make him do push-ups or peel potatoes. However, most military analysts say the President is apt to simply let the general walk away from his military career altogether. 

“McChrystal’s actions suggest a man who wants to be fired,” says retired Admiral Lorth “Lolli” Needa, who gained notoriety by leading a fleet of Imperial Star Destroyers against the rebel alliance a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. “Of course, in my day, if you screwed up like that, they’d use the Force to crush your windpipe.” 

Just what are McChrystal’s plans, now that his military responsibilities have been handed off to someone else? If his frequent Tweets are an indication, the former leader of men plans to take on a new role: Leader of band members. 

It is believed McChrystal, who appeared on two grindcore albums in the early 1990s as lead guitarist of the band Curb Stomp a Baby, intends to take his music career off hold. Industry insiders say he is in talks with country music legend Crystal Gayle to record a pop CD together and tour the country under the name The McChrystal Gayle Nashville All-Stars. 

If the rumors are true, the general can surely look to his war experiences and his controversial relationship with President Obama for lyrical fodder.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , | 5 Comments »

UN alarmed over violence in Afghanistan: “It’s like a war or something.”

Posted by oldancestor on June 22, 2010

Afghanistan now more dangerous than running with scissors


By Eric J Baker


Tribal violence is on the rise in Afghanistan, as evidenced by this gruesome arial photo




NEW YORK – United Nation Secretary General Ban Ki Moon held a press conference yesterday afternoon, telling reporters, “It’s come to our attention recently that violent things have been happening in Afghanistan. After a lengthy investigation, if it’s determined someone is at fault, the UN will issue a severe reprimand.”

The United Nations, a powerful organization made up of diplomats from various nations throughout the world, often wields its might in the form of reprimands, scoldings, and, in extreme cases, tongue lashings when dealing with rogue governments. Threats of all-out lecture have kept rabble-rousing nations like Iran and North Korea in line.

But Afghanistan may prove difficult to wrangle, if history is a guide. The land-locked, resource-poor country, with rock-strewn, sandy terrain not unlike that of Mars, has long been a target of conquest by the foolish and the insane, yet no invader has succeeded in taking control for long.

So what suddenly set off the UN’s Conflict-O-Meter 2000NT? 

One reason for the rise in violence could be the tens of thousands of heavily armed foreign soldiers conducting a war in the country. The brand-new conflict, which began eight years ago, appears to have been ensnared like a lazy, overweight trout in the UN’s broad net of awareness.

“Nothing escapes [the UN’s] attention,” says Corporal Roger Cobb, an infantry soldier with the United States Army on his third tour of duty in Afghanistan. “We’ve been trying to keep this on the down-low.”

Some experts believe the military action is an indirect result of the international dirt shortage currently slowing hole-filling projects around the world.

“Afghanistan has huge tracts of dirt,” explains The Evil Rabbit, a professor of world affairs at England’s Oxford University. “But you can’t get to it because of all the internal fighting between dirt warlords. If you dig deep, no pun intended, you’ll find this conflict is financed by billionaire tycoons who have holes that need filling.”

NYU professor The Ear Kid refutes that claim, saying the war was caused by a simple zoning disagreement over the popular Tora Bora hotel resort and casino in the southeastern part of the country.

“Two towns want the tax revenue, so they fight,” says Kid. “Though I could be making that up. None of their documents is in English, and I don’t know anything about Afghanistan. I’m a drama teacher.”

 Whatever the cause, the UN promises a swift action, possibly as early as 2035.

Important events in the Afghanistan War:

  • Terrorists from Saudi Arabia launch a devastating attack on US soil in September of 2001, prompting the UN to install the Conflict-O-Meter 2000NT
  • The US Government is friendly with the dictators who run Saudi Arabia, so they attack Afghanistan
  • Americans say it’s boring watching rubble get bombed into smaller bits of rubble
  • The US Government agrees and attacks Iraq, which had plenty of buildings to blow up, though no ties to the terrorists
  • The US recommits to fighting terrorists in Afghanistan, though the terrorists actually live in Pakistan now
  • The US proudly beats it’s record for longest-lasting war, an honor previously held by the conflict in Vietnam
  • UN releases Conflict-O-Meter 2000NT app for iPhone

Posted in World News | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »

News round up: This week’s top stories make last week’s top stories look like complete crap!

Posted by oldancestor on May 19, 2010

Jennifer Aniston denies eating babies


Jennier Aniston seen relaxing at home. She denies all baby rumors.

LOS ANGELES – A-list actress Jennifer Aniston was embroiled in controversy this week when reports surfaced she eats baby food to stay thin, a claim at which she later scoffed.    

But that was before investigative reporters found the skeletons of two infants in Aniston’s trash can outside her Malibu home. A publicist for the Leprechaun star (really) said the bones were already in the house when she moved in, and she had “just gotten around” to disposing of them.

However, forensics experts who examined the remains said the infants were alive as recently as three weeks ago. In other words, about how long it takes to eat two babies.

There is no word yet on when charges might be filed.

 Until then, we can only wonder why an actress, who’s so famous her weird last name isn’t even flagged by Microsoft spellcheckers, would eat babies to stay trim rather than simply exercise. Perhaps there really is no such thing as bad publicity.

Conflict escalating in a country no one can spell, much less pronounce

KYRGYZSTAN – Angry protestors stormed the capitol building in Byshkk this week, demanding the government take action to address the ongoing shortage of vowels in the small, somewherish nation. President Jyhnythyn Myllyr continues to blame militant rebels, but many citizens feel that excuse has worn thin.

“We’re out here suffering while the president and his cronies live like kings,” said protestor Pynky Myddltyn. “I’m tired of hearing how it’s the rebels’ fault. Why should we believe that?”

Rebel leader Hooowaaard Viiiilaaaniiii has repeatedly denied his group is responsible for hoarding the missing vowels.

“We’re fighting for the people of Kyrgyzstan to end the oppression,” said Viiiilaaaniiii. “I’m a folk hero. Would a folk hero lie? HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa!!!!!”

Several nations in the region, including Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Uzbekistan, also end in “stan.”

Albinos sued for lack of diversity

KENYA – It looks like oppression at the hands of Albinos may finally be coming to an end.

A class-action suit has been brought against the pigment-shunning group by a broad coalition of blacks, Europeans, Hispanics, and East-Asians demanding inclusion into the “all-white” country club.

In a statement released to the press, a lawyer for the coalition said, “This isn’t about money. My clients simply want the right to call themselves albino. Why should people feel ostracized merely for having skin that’s a few shades too dark?”

The coalition is said to be asking for reparations in the amount of five hundred millions dollars.

“I’m sick of feeling like a second-class citizen in this world,” said Bradford Wainwright IV of Beverly Hills, CA, who decided to join the lawsuit while spending the weekend in Paris.

At a press conference yesterday, a spokesperson for the Albinos said, “Help. I need vitamin D.”

Contrary to popular belief, your dad’s legs are not albino.

Posted in World News | Tagged: , , , | 1 Comment »