Obama SLAMS Litmus Tests

CAN MUCH-MALIGNED TEST SURVIVE LATEST ATTACK?

 

By Eric J Baker

 

WASHINGTON – President Obama said yesterday he was not going to subject his unnamed Supreme Court nominee to a litmus test, angering many Republicans on Capitol Hill.

“How else will we know if [the nominee] is a witch?” asked Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “This is a clear case of the President circumventing the Constitution for his liberal agenda. It’s clearly a SLAM against the time-honored litmus.”

When questioned how Obama’s comments qualified as a SLAM, McConnell said, “Either you’re with us or it’s a SLAM.”

Linguists note that “disagreeing with,” “objecting to,” and “criticizing” have fallen out of use in recent years, leading to an inordinate amount of SLAMMING, according to the headlines of Yahoo News, Huffington Post, and other popular online news journals.

Democrats were quick to defend the President’s vicious attack.

“Litmus tests are f****** retarded,” said White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, in a clear reference to a previous incident that hasn’t been topical for months.

Conservatives took to the airwaves in droves to SLAM the President. Commentator Glenn Beck said on his popular FOX News television show, I’m Bat-Sh*t Crazy, “The litmus test is as American as apple pie. And I love America.”

After tearing up, Beck added with a cracking voice, “I’m sorry. When I see litmus tests under attack, I see my country under attack.”

But do some Republican critics have a short memory? Yes, say historians.

Professor Brent Musket of Rutgers University in New Jersey is one of the nation’s leading presidential historians. “Back during the George W. Bush administration, in September of 2005, President Bush made a litmus test claim very similar to Obama’s in regard to his selection of then-nominee John Roberts. Where was the outrage then?”

Not so fast, says angry ranter Pinky Middleton, whose senseless opinion carries equal weight to that of an expert. “I don’t want to hear the lies of some highfalutin’ college professor. Maybe Obama should turn that litmus test on hisself!”

When reached at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, former President Bush said, “Who gives a flying f***? What matters is solid juris… juris… prudential… jurissa… pru… what matters is good judging.”    

So how has all the controversy affected litmus test manufacturers?

“They’re selling like hotcakes,” says Trina Bunkpaste, CEO of Litmus USA, the top-selling brand. “There’s no such thing as bad publicity, unless it’s child molesting or something.”

Most test kits the company sells are table-top models, but Bunkpaste gets the occasional order for a full-sized version, mostly for overseas sales.

“We used to do government orders, but it’s fallen out of favor in America,” she says wistfully. “I thought maybe Obama was different…”

In a litmus test, bla bla bla, leading to a test strip turning blue or red. It is believed by some that the test can reveal whether a Supreme Court nominee will lean conservative (red) or progressive (blue). Those people are hopeless idiots.

The last president to perform a litmus test was Bill Clinton. It ended in tragedy when the nominee, Sophia Loren, had a severe allergic reaction to the chemicals and died.