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Posts Tagged ‘Mitch McConnell’

Senator McConnell may have called the President “Bizarre”

Posted by oldancestor on April 26, 2010



By Eric J Baker


WASHINGTON – As reported in the Huffington Post yesterday, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) used the word “bizarre” in a conversation involving President Obama on the television show Fox News Sunday.

During a call to McConnell’s office made prior to even rudimentary fact-checking, we were told by a nervous, lying staffer, “I’m sure he meant ‘bazaar,’ as in ‘church bazaar.’”

The staffer went on to say, “The senator collects yarn toilet-paper cozies as well as pine-cone-and-felt angels. He especially enjoys their little pipe-cleaner wings.”

The growing scandal was muted somewhat when another of McConnell’s words became available. It turns out the Kentucky senator had said it was unlikely Republicans would filibuster Obama’s Supreme Court nominee to replace retiring Justice John Paul Stevens, unless the President’s choice was “really bizarre.”

At a press conference today, McConnell was asked to clarify who he considered ‘bizarre.’

“Well, Spongebob, perhaps,” said McConnell. “That would be bizarre.”

He is believed to have been referring to Hawaii’s first-circuit-court judge Spongebob Squarepants, who is known for offering lenient punishments and taking a forgiving approach toward repeat offenders. Squarepants was embroiled in controversy last year for commuting the sentence of serial-burglar Sheldon Plankton, who was later rearrested for attempting to rob the same restaurant for the tenth time.

“We will definitely filibuster any activist judge Obama tries to shove down our throats,” McConnell might have said if we’d baited him.

In response to the potential threat, Vice President Biden said, “I’ll filibuster your mother. Doh!”

Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm, who herself has been talked about as a potential nominee, urged President Obama to consider looking outside the judiciary pool for his eventual candidate. “How about one of the actors on Law and Order? They seem pretty judgy.”

Most Americans don’t care who ends up on the Supreme Court. Although, to be honest, we only asked one person and picked the stupidest looking one at that.

“The Supareem Court? Are they those rifle guys in England that wear the buffalo-lodge hats and red jackets and never laugh?” asks Madge Tool, who readers might recognize from watching sixty-year-old hookers get arrested on Cops.

However small their number, some concerned citizens have very definite ideas about who should get the nod.

Says 19-year-old college sophomore Pinky Middleton, a political science/criminal justice double major who follows current events closely, “Please please please let it be Megan Fox. Dude, how hot would that be?”

The President has repeatedly said he will choose someone with a strong judicial record and expects broad bipartisan support, though sources close to the White House say Obama’s inside favorite to replace Stevens is The Antichrist. While it’s a choice that will likely result in a protracted and sometimes contentious Senate confirmation process, most pundits believe the nomination will eventually go through.

Before Republicans get too comfortable throwing around accusations of bizarrehood (as interpreted by this news organization), they would do well to remember the previous administration’s odd choice of John Roberts, who is actually a hive of nanobots in the shape of a human. Readers may recall that, during the President’s State of the Union address in January, Chief Justice Roberts broke up into a black swarm cloud and attacked a congressional page after Obama suggested the court had acted irresponsibly in a recent decision.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , | 3 Comments »

Obama SLAMS Litmus Tests

Posted by oldancestor on April 22, 2010



By Eric J Baker


WASHINGTON – President Obama said yesterday he was not going to subject his unnamed Supreme Court nominee to a litmus test, angering many Republicans on Capitol Hill.

“How else will we know if [the nominee] is a witch?” asked Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “This is a clear case of the President circumventing the Constitution for his liberal agenda. It’s clearly a SLAM against the time-honored litmus.”

When questioned how Obama’s comments qualified as a SLAM, McConnell said, “Either you’re with us or it’s a SLAM.”

Linguists note that “disagreeing with,” “objecting to,” and “criticizing” have fallen out of use in recent years, leading to an inordinate amount of SLAMMING, according to the headlines of Yahoo News, Huffington Post, and other popular online news journals.

Democrats were quick to defend the President’s vicious attack.

“Litmus tests are f****** retarded,” said White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, in a clear reference to a previous incident that hasn’t been topical for months.

Conservatives took to the airwaves in droves to SLAM the President. Commentator Glenn Beck said on his popular FOX News television show, I’m Bat-Sh*t Crazy, “The litmus test is as American as apple pie. And I love America.”

After tearing up, Beck added with a cracking voice, “I’m sorry. When I see litmus tests under attack, I see my country under attack.”

But do some Republican critics have a short memory? Yes, say historians.

Professor Brent Musket of Rutgers University in New Jersey is one of the nation’s leading presidential historians. “Back during the George W. Bush administration, in September of 2005, President Bush made a litmus test claim very similar to Obama’s in regard to his selection of then-nominee John Roberts. Where was the outrage then?”

Not so fast, says angry ranter Pinky Middleton, whose senseless opinion carries equal weight to that of an expert. “I don’t want to hear the lies of some highfalutin’ college professor. Maybe Obama should turn that litmus test on hisself!”

When reached at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, former President Bush said, “Who gives a flying f***? What matters is solid juris… juris… prudential… jurissa… pru… what matters is good judging.”    

So how has all the controversy affected litmus test manufacturers?

“They’re selling like hotcakes,” says Trina Bunkpaste, CEO of Litmus USA, the top-selling brand. “There’s no such thing as bad publicity, unless it’s child molesting or something.”

Most test kits the company sells are table-top models, but Bunkpaste gets the occasional order for a full-sized version, mostly for overseas sales.

“We used to do government orders, but it’s fallen out of favor in America,” she says wistfully. “I thought maybe Obama was different…”

In a litmus test, bla bla bla, leading to a test strip turning blue or red. It is believed by some that the test can reveal whether a Supreme Court nominee will lean conservative (red) or progressive (blue). Those people are hopeless idiots.

The last president to perform a litmus test was Bill Clinton. It ended in tragedy when the nominee, Sophia Loren, had a severe allergic reaction to the chemicals and died.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »