Transmissions from the alternate universe

Radical Pagans threaten Clash of the Titans filmmakers

Posted by oldancestor on April 23, 2010



By Eric J Baker


ATHENS – A radical Pagan group calling itself The Twelve Labors posted a warning on its website yesterday for Warner Brothers Studios and the filmmakers behind the current box office hit, Clash of the Titans.

According to the site, Pagans are offended at the depiction of the underworld god Hades in the film, who is shown to be violent and vindictive.

“Hades is not Satan,” says the website in an open-letter format to Warner Brothers. “He’s an unhappily married god with the [expletive deleted] job of managing the underworld. He’s sort of a sitcom character.”

A photo on the website shows the ruins of an ancient Greek temple over a caption that reads, “This will be you!”

Malcolm Jamal-Warner and Dr. Joyce Brothers, co-founders of Warner Brothers Studios, issued a joint response that was anything but contrite:

“We made a Greek mythology movie. And we wish to go on making Greek mythology movies until your heads spin and you seethe with such fury that your hearts explode and your souls whither, but not before you suffer the torment of ten-thousand screaming deaths.”

Two Clash sequels are already in the works, Another Clash of the Titans and Harold and Kumar go to Sparta.

“We don’t like the word ‘mythology,’” says mainstream Pagan Pinky Middleton of Charon’s Crossing, Iowa. “But other than that, people need to chill. I think these radicals are a bit, you know, radical.”

Middleton is one of many Roman Pagans who are generally viewed as more tolerant than their Greek counterparts. Rather than issue a death threat when offended, Romans traditionally demand the offending party go to the ends of the Earth to find and retrieve a golden ram’s fleece. This practice has largely fallen by the wayside in recent years, as golden rams are endangered and would-be hunters risk a poaching conviction, which can carry a fine of $100,000 dollars and five years in prison.

“The gods are angry,” counters television personality, talent extraordinaire, and radical Greek Pagan Paula Abdul. “Release the Kraken!”

A call to Mount Olympus seeking information about Krakens was not returned.

This latest incident follows a string of recent religious controversies, including radical Muslims threatening South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone earlier this week, radical Christians threatening Jews during the Spanish Inquisition, and radical atheists threatening courthouse plaques.

4 Responses to “Radical Pagans threaten Clash of the Titans filmmakers”

  1. jeanie said

    hahaha-your funniest fake news yet! It was fake..right?

    • I tell the stories the mainstream press is afraid of. For example, the period at the end of this sentence is actually the abstract likeness of a certain religious prophet. <===

      You know who I mean: L Ron Hubbard.

  2. Hades is one of my favorite bands ever!

    • Maybe we can go see them next time they emerge from the underworld to play BB King’s. I’ll bring $30 for beer. That’s one bottle for you, one for me, and we’ll have to split the third.

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