THE ANVIL

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Posts Tagged ‘Supreme Court’

Obama to Alito: “In Yo Face!”

Posted by oldancestor on January 26, 2011

WASHINGTON DC – An increasingly erratic President Obama delivered a State of the Union speech last night that could best be described as rambling, nonsensical, and, eventually, violent.  

Speaking before members of both houses of Congress as well as several Supreme Court Justices, the President set the tone early by reaching into the lectern and withdrawing a Chalupa from Taco Bell. While unwrapping the fast-food snack, he said, “My fellow Americans, did you know that Taco Bell has been calling the stuff in here ‘beef,’ when it’s actually mostly soy filler and flavoring?”

Met with silence, a visibly disgusted Obama threw the Chalupa to the floor beneath the podium, saying, “Aw, f**k it.”

It is not clear whether the expletive was part of the speech or an unscripted moment.

The president then turned his attention to the Supreme Court Justices seated before him and, presumably paraphrasing a line of dialog from The Shining, said, “You know, you guys turned out to be a couple of completely unreliable a**holes.”

Justice Samuel Alito, echoing a dispute that took place between the President and Supreme Court Justices during last year’s State of the Union address, appeared to mouth the words, “Not true.”

Jabbing his finger toward the judge, President Obama responded by saying, “In Yo Face!” then leapt from the stage in an alleged attempt to strangle him.

The two men briefly exchanged blows and, in a bipartisan effort, were separated by Chief Justice John Roberts and Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg.

Before the President’s address could be resumed, another fight broke out, not between Republicans and Democrats but between Senators and Representatives. With strength in numbers, the congressional reps were able to subdue the Senators, though it was reported that, in the melee, TV personality Geraldo Rivera’s nose was broken by a flying chair.  It was unclear whether the chair was thrown or flew on its own.

Once order was restored, President Obama was able to finish his speech, which included bits about investing in the nation’s infrastructure or something.

In a post-address rebuttal, a bloodied and bruised Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachman told television audiences she was proud of the way Republicans and Democrats were able to resolve their differences during the speech.

“This is the way our forefathers intended government to work,” she said. “They knew that statesmanship and diplomacy were stupid in the fourteen-hundreds, and they’re stupid now.”

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , | 6 Comments »

Federal Judge rules that ALL weddings are gay

Posted by oldancestor on August 10, 2010

Then what does the finger in the ring mean? Yikes!

 

By Eric J Baker

"Gay dinosaurs never got married, so why should gay humans?" argue anti-gay-marriage activists

  WASHINGTON DC – A federal judge ruled yesterday that all weddings in America are “kinda gay,” instantly throwing the gay-marriage debate into disarray.

Integrated circuit judge Johnny Dangerous said in his ruling that “frilly dresses, foofy tuxedo chest things, flowers, and DJs playing Celebration by Kool and the Gang are all kinda gay, if you think about it. Gay in the way you call fruity things ‘gay’ when you’re in high school.”

Judge Dangerous also said he made his decision based not on legal precedent but on a book he read that was published in 1902 entitled How to have a Gay Wedding.

“It pretty much seemed like normal wedding stuff in there,” the judge said. “I couldn’t tell the difference. So, as far as I’m concerned, there is no difference. End of debate. Next.”

Not so fast, typed a reporter who lacks the creativity to avoid clichéd segues. Conservative groups are angry and vowing to fight back.

“No activist judge is going to tell me that me and my wife are gay!” said Chester Tool, 58, of Twister Magnet, Oklahoma and founder of Americans Against Homo Sapiens.

The group said it will urge the government to amend the Constitution so that judges can’t rule against their point of view anymore.

“We want to stop them from messin’ with the Constitution,” says Tool. “We hope to get rid of the judicial system all together. It’s un-American.”

Meanwhile, the ruling was lauded by gay-marriage proponents, college students, and atheists.

“It’s a sign that times are changing,” says racially and sexually ambiguous Seton Hall University junior, Terrence Hip, who sometimes poses for display posters in shopping mall clothing stores. “Everyone said Duran Duran’s music was gay back in the 1980s, but now look how cool they are.”

When asked why she supported the ruling, atheist Patchouli Johnson said, “I don’t know. Because it’s fun to piss people off?”

Even more elated are the millions and millions of Americans who want to marry their pets and will now be able to, thanks to the precedent set by yesterday’s judicial decision.

Unfortunately, none could be located for comment.

To get a response to the non-response, The Anvil repeatedly attempted to contact the conservative watchdog group, America Safe. Just before this article went to press, an unidentified man from the organization called our offices and said, “Dude, we are a watch dog group. Not a ‘watchdog’ group. We advocate for the ownership and pet care of watch dogs. You know, Rottweilers, German Shepherds, Dobermans. We don’t care about any of the stuff you’re talking about.”

He went on to say, “Don’t make me get another restraining order.”

Stay tuned to The Anvil for more on this breaking story as it develops!

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Kagan, angered by probing questions, turns into The Hulk

Posted by oldancestor on June 30, 2010

3 senators killed; Kagan’s pantsuit damaged

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Kagan Hulk throttles Republican Senator Jeff Sessions

WASHINGTON DC – “You won’t like me when I’m angry.”

If certain Senate Judiciary Committee members had heeded that warning, issued by a visibly riled Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan minutes before she attacked the panel, they might be alive this morning.

At the end of a second full day of tough questioning, Kagan appeared to lose her cool when committee member Jeff Sessions (R-AL) asked, “If God can do anything, can he make a rock that he can’t pick up?”

Kagan refused to answer, prompting Sessions to repeat the question, at which point the nominee warned, “You’d better stop.”

When the Senator said, “Or you’ll do what,” Kagan’s eyes turned white, and, before a stunned group of senators and television crewmembers, she transformed into an incredible hulk, tossing the table and chair aside and leaping at Sessions.

Video from the hearing, since confiscated by federal investigators, showed Kagan hurling Sessions against the wall, then picking up senators Tom Coburn (R-OK) and Chuck Schumer (D-NY) and slamming their heads together.

Witnesses report Kagan saying, “Hulk smash puny humans!” before punching a hole in the wall and fleeing. She was later apprehended at her hotel room by local police, though the arresting officers say she had returned to human form by then.

Senators Coburn and Schumer were pronounced dead at the scene of the attack, and Senator Sessions died later at a local hospital.

Condemnation from Republicans came swiftly.

“This woman broke with a half century of Hulk tradition when she killed those men,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky. “Hulks are only supposed to injure people. Will she break from the Constitution as well? I think it’s possible.”

Carly Fiorina, the former Hewlett Packard CEO who will challenge incumbent Barbara Boxer for California’s senate seat this November said, “Did you see those purple pants Kagan had on? What decade is she in? Ugh. Not this one.”

The Obama administration quickly came to Kagan’s defense.

“That’s what those guys get for being smartasses,” said Vice President Joe Biden. “What are your views on this? What are your views on that? Just get on with it already. Jesus Christ!”

Kagan’s unexpected move may have upset conservatives in Washington, but she is winning broad support among ordinary Americans. The nominee has even inspired an overnight political party that calls itself Green Power Now!

“This is the fastest way I can think of to clean up Washington,” says the party’s founder, Chester Tool. “Kagan for President!”

Tool says he has no idea what “alternative energy” means, and he sees nothing wrong with a political party that has only two members getting prominent coverage in a news article.

As for Kagan, she may have to put her presidential ambitions on hold while the mess she created yesterday is sorted out. Legal experts say she is unlikely to be charged with a crime, since a hulk is considered by US courts to be a separate entity from its host. Ironically, it was the Supreme Court that made this determination in the 1983 case, David Banner v. The Guy Who Followed Him Everywhere.

Prior to yesterday’s incident, the most notable transformation in Supreme Court Nominee history occurred when recently retired Justice David Souter was nominated as a conservative judge but transformed into a liberal one as soon as he was confirmed.  

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Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Elena Kagan’s emails show a fondness for quoting Yoda, sending funny cat pics

Posted by oldancestor on June 21, 2010

BUT CAN SHE RESIST THE DARK SIDE OF THE FORCE?

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Kagan, as she might appear if she were a deranged murderer. Her emails give no indication one way or the other.

WASHINGTON DC – Emails released last week by President Obama’s Supreme Court Nominee Elena Kagan reveal a legal expert steeped in knowledge of Jedi teachings as well as Starfleet regulation. The documents also provide an important insight into the beliefs and judicial philosophy of the woman who will likely replace retiring justice John Paul Stevens later this summer.  

“This puts my mind at ease,” said Senate Judiciary Committee member Lindsey Graham (R-SC), who will cast a vote either for or against Kagan’s approval after confirmation hearings take place early next month. “We needed to see these documents to make sure she hadn’t confessed to a murder or something. This is the Supreme Court we’re talking about here.”

Some long-serving lawmakers are still smarting over the Supreme Court confirmation scandal of 1989, when Justice Jeffrey Dahmer was approved without a hearing. Dahmer was later found to have killed 17 people and kept their dismembered bodies in his apartment.

So far, Kagan has not been linked to any mysterious deaths, and her penchant for signing emails with Yoda quotes such as, “Wars not make one great,” and “Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter,” suggests firm spiritual beliefs, an attribute that could make her appealing to more conservative-minded GOP senators.

“Kagan should sail through the confirmation process,” says Snooki, a legal analyst and professor at Harvard Law School. “Evidenced in her emails is an affinity for the teachings of Empire Strikes Back Yoda, not prequel Yoda. She found the Clone Wars to be a time of questionable moral authority for the Jedi, as should we all.”

President Obama’s nominee is not without her detractors, though. Tom Coburn (R-OK), a professed dog lover who also serves on the Judiciary Committee, asks, “What’s with all the cat pics she forwarded? ‘Can I has Cheezburger?’ That’s not funny.”

Coburn says nothing makes his filibuster finger itch like a cat lover, but he’d consider voting in Kagan’s favor if she were to send a new round of emails that include hilarious dog images.

“I don’t need made-up quotes, though,” he insists. “In fact, I hate made-up quotes.”

Even with a few dissenters in the mix, Kagan is expected to win approval easily and should be sitting on the court before the summer is over. All that remains is a review of her Costco receipts and inspection of her mattress tags, though few believe she will be tripped up this late in the game.

“The only thing that can stop her now is a problem during the body cavity search,” says Snooki.

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Editorial: 3 Reasons Why Elena Kagan is Dangerous for America

Posted by oldancestor on May 18, 2010

OBAMA IS A DRAFT DODGER!

OR DID THE DODGERS DRAFT OBAMA? WHATEVER!

By Lennie

 

President Obama introduces Elena Kagan to a bunch of reporters who probably hate baseball and apple pie but love Josef Stalin

President Obama has just faced one of the most important decisions a dictator can make: Who to nominate for the Supreme Court. And he failed miserably, just like he did during Hurricane Katrina in 2005 and the recession in 2008 (nice bumper stickers by the way, ‘Obama 08’ people. I wouldn’t brag about that year).

Considering the person who fills the role of Supreme Court Justice is in office for 75 years, one would expect a president to put at least a little thought into it. But today’s MTV watching, Nintendo-obsessed generation has no patience for analysis and critical judgment, so this president, in his quest for instant gratification, clearly picked the first name that came across his desk. I’ll illustrate my point using what I call “a list.”

1. Elena Kagan is too short for the court

Sure, Justice John Stevens is 99 years old and his knees are gimpy, but he had one of the best three-point shots in history. And we know, come playoff time, he’ll make the sacrifices necessary to win.

Kagan, on the other hand, is about five feet tall. That doesn’t work in today’s game. She might have a few inside moves, but if she is forced into a perimeter game, it’s all over. Not only does this screw up my fantasy league, but the court will become a laughing stock.

I’m sorry to rely on these two overused words, Mr. President, but: This is Epic Fail (“This” and “is” are way overused. They’re like, all over books and dictionaries).

2. Elena Kagan is using the Supreme Court as a stepping stone

With her big white teeth and fake-friendly smile, Judge Kagan is clearly jockeying for attention from Hollywood producers. You know what other judge she reminds me of? Judge Reinhold. He preferred acting in Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Beverly Hills Cop to interpreting the rule of law. In fact, I can’t even remember when he was on the Supreme Court.

I know a Supreme Court justice probably does something important, so maybe Kagan should, I don’t know, take it seriously.

3. Elena Kagan has a law degree from Harvard, or maybe she worked there

My uncle Moe says you don’t need no fancy law degree from a hoity-toity school to know right from wrong, and that’s good enough for me.

Of course, if Obama hadn’t laid off Justice Stevens in the first place, we wouldn’t have to worry about any of this. A president has the power to create millions of jobs at the stroke of a pen, yet we sit idle while good judges are sent packing in favor of some wannabe starlet.

What we need is a government with checks and balances like they have in England. But I suppose that makes me a Socialist.

Supreme Court facts:

Taco Bell honors the Supreme Court everyday by offering the “Chalupa Supreme.”  I’m not sure what kind of court the “Baja” is. Maybe that’s Mexican for Supreme.

Supreme Court justices dress in black to honor those killed in the War of 1812, when the Germans bombed Washington DC.

The seven-member court is evenly split between men and women. The men vote on men things like guns and sports while the women vote on women things like children and cats.

About the writer: Lennie is a complete idiot whose depths of stupidity defy description

Posted in Editorial | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

Obama SLAMS Litmus Tests

Posted by oldancestor on April 22, 2010

CAN MUCH-MALIGNED TEST SURVIVE LATEST ATTACK?

 

By Eric J Baker

 

WASHINGTON – President Obama said yesterday he was not going to subject his unnamed Supreme Court nominee to a litmus test, angering many Republicans on Capitol Hill.

“How else will we know if [the nominee] is a witch?” asked Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “This is a clear case of the President circumventing the Constitution for his liberal agenda. It’s clearly a SLAM against the time-honored litmus.”

When questioned how Obama’s comments qualified as a SLAM, McConnell said, “Either you’re with us or it’s a SLAM.”

Linguists note that “disagreeing with,” “objecting to,” and “criticizing” have fallen out of use in recent years, leading to an inordinate amount of SLAMMING, according to the headlines of Yahoo News, Huffington Post, and other popular online news journals.

Democrats were quick to defend the President’s vicious attack.

“Litmus tests are f****** retarded,” said White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, in a clear reference to a previous incident that hasn’t been topical for months.

Conservatives took to the airwaves in droves to SLAM the President. Commentator Glenn Beck said on his popular FOX News television show, I’m Bat-Sh*t Crazy, “The litmus test is as American as apple pie. And I love America.”

After tearing up, Beck added with a cracking voice, “I’m sorry. When I see litmus tests under attack, I see my country under attack.”

But do some Republican critics have a short memory? Yes, say historians.

Professor Brent Musket of Rutgers University in New Jersey is one of the nation’s leading presidential historians. “Back during the George W. Bush administration, in September of 2005, President Bush made a litmus test claim very similar to Obama’s in regard to his selection of then-nominee John Roberts. Where was the outrage then?”

Not so fast, says angry ranter Pinky Middleton, whose senseless opinion carries equal weight to that of an expert. “I don’t want to hear the lies of some highfalutin’ college professor. Maybe Obama should turn that litmus test on hisself!”

When reached at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, former President Bush said, “Who gives a flying f***? What matters is solid juris… juris… prudential… jurissa… pru… what matters is good judging.”    

So how has all the controversy affected litmus test manufacturers?

“They’re selling like hotcakes,” says Trina Bunkpaste, CEO of Litmus USA, the top-selling brand. “There’s no such thing as bad publicity, unless it’s child molesting or something.”

Most test kits the company sells are table-top models, but Bunkpaste gets the occasional order for a full-sized version, mostly for overseas sales.

“We used to do government orders, but it’s fallen out of favor in America,” she says wistfully. “I thought maybe Obama was different…”

In a litmus test, bla bla bla, leading to a test strip turning blue or red. It is believed by some that the test can reveal whether a Supreme Court nominee will lean conservative (red) or progressive (blue). Those people are hopeless idiots.

The last president to perform a litmus test was Bill Clinton. It ended in tragedy when the nominee, Sophia Loren, had a severe allergic reaction to the chemicals and died.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »