THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Five signs your man is cheating

Posted by oldancestor on April 21, 2010

DON’T BE CAUGHT WITH HIS PANTS DOWN

 

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Tell me if this sounds familiar, girls: You finally meet that great guy. He’s sweet and charming, and you actually don’t hate his mother that much. You’ve only been together a week? No problem. He’s The One, so why not move in together?

At first it’s like heaven on Earth. He drops all his interests and friends just to spend every minute worshipping you. Though he looks hurt when it happens, he recognizes you’re right to throw away his Star Wars toys… er, collectibles. It’s time for him to grow up.

By now, you think you’re firmly in charge, but, in fact, you’ve simply been hypnotized by blissful complacency. Only after it’s too late do you notice something is different. Indeed, wrong.

Your women’s intuition tells you he may have found someone else, but you need to know for sure before you make a move. Here are the five key signs he may be cheating, compiled by our team of experts.*

5.   You’re reading an internet blog about men cheating

If you have time to surf the internet, you’re either at work or you have run out of ways to take over his life, which means you’ve reached that critical relationship stage called “inertia.” You either need to find a new way to dominate him or get out. Oh, if you’re at work, he’s probably at home f*****g somebody else.

4.   He keeps calling you Jessica when your name is Lacy

What excuse did he use? I’m just curious. They always come up with classics. “You remind me of this really beautiful supermodel I knew named Jessica.” That was a laugher. Or how about, “I meant to say ‘gesticulate.’ You know, you should gesticulate more often.” Then you ask him to define ‘gesticulate,’ and he looks at you like an idiot. But you’re too tired to argue, and a little drunk, so you just go back to sleep.

3.   He stops sneaking porn

Though you find porn icky and exploitative, except when you watch it (then it’s ok), you don’t really mind him ogling those girls, because they’re unattainable. Besides, they wear tons of make-up, so who knows what they really look like? Girlfriend, you are a complete person with your own spirit, so how can they compare to your inner beauty, which is what really matters? But suddenly he loses interest in adult entertainment. Why? Is he making his own tapes now? Keep patrolling the amateur porn sites, girls. You never know when a familiar face is going to pop up.

2.   You find women’s panties shoved behind the dresser

Sure, they’re your size and your brand, but you don’t recall buying the green ones. Do you? You were sure you had gotten the red ones or the blue ones. Then you hold them up and realize how big the ass that fills them must be. And you think, “No wonder he’s screwing somebody else. I’m a fat pig.”

1.   You come home and find him in bed, naked, with another woman

You want to believe him when he says, “It’s so weird. I went to bed alone and, when I woke up, she was just lying there. Let me drive her back to the mental hospital.” You want to believe everything he says, because he has that great smile and he lets you call him cute names in public. Plus you put so much work into him, you can’t stand the thought of starting over with someone else.

That’s it, ladies. Pay attention to these five sign and… you know what? Forget the five signs. If he’s a man, he’s cheating. And if he’s not cheating, it’s because he’s a repulsive loser and YOU are the only sad, pathetic wretch who’s willing to sleep with him.

How’s that for your self-esteem?

* Due to budget constraints, our usual experts have been sacked. Our new experts are a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and a gallon jug of red “table” wine.

4 Responses to “Five signs your man is cheating”

  1. tom said

    to describe the blow my sensibilities have suffered in reaction to this bloody bollux is beyond the scope of the king’s english. you sexist sow wanker

  2. jeanie said

    So, like, do all 5 of the things have to happen? Cuz I came home, found my man in bed, naked, with another woman. But none of the other things happened. Well, except for me reading an internet blog about cheating..you know..this one. So I should be good..right?

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