Transmissions from the alternate universe

Arizona’s tough new anti-zombie law raises questions

Posted by oldancestor on June 25, 2010

Zombies: US citizens or domestic terrorists?


By Eric J Baker

Constitutional conundrum: Should zombies be allowed to vote?

PHOENIX – In response to the Zombie Apocalypse that’s rapidly sweeping the world, Arizona’s legislature passed a harsh new anti-zombie law this week, despite a harsh law in place that prevents the passage of harsh laws.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” Arizona governor Jan Brewer said last night on CNN’s Larry King Live, though it is not known if she was referring to the passage of the new law or quoting the character Jafar from Aladdin.

She also said, “Throw me the lamp!”

As promised by the governor, the new law contains a provision allowing armed citizens to kill zombies on sight. Previously, only law-enforcement personnel, national guardsmen, and paid government militia members were permitted to shoot the walking dead. But it’s other components of the legislation that have stirred debate and stoked controversy.

Businesses can now be fined for using zombie labor, and people who keep undead relatives locked up rather than turning them over to the authorities will risk jail time. Zombies of illegal immigrants can either be shot or deported.

“This is just another way for the government to curtail our civil liberties,” says Paul Naschy, whose uncle Jacinto Molina, a zombie, was living in a cage in the back yard. Until the police shot Molina and took away the body.

“I don’t know what’s worse,” Naschy laments, “The zombies or the socialists.”

Zombie rights groups oppose the new law and vow to take the state of Arizona to court.

“Zombies are US citizens, just like you and me,” says Patchouli Johnson of Zombies Are People (ZAP), a not-for-profit organization. “Why are they being treated like intruders? The government took away their unemployment checks, even though we know no one will hire a zombie, and now they’re being exterminated like mosquitoes. Where’s the compassion?”

Legal experts say there is a distinction between zombies and humans. It just hasn’t been established yet.

“Technically, it’s hard to prove a zombie isn’t the same person he was when alive,” explains Harvard law professor Nadine Pencilwacker. “Same finger prints, same retina pattern. Still moving. And the legal world doesn’t account for such a thing as a ‘soul.’ On the other hand, these creatures are ravenous cannibals. But can they be charged with a crime? Are they legally insane? There are so many layers.”

Pencilwacker went on to say, “Aaaaaaah! Help! Oh God, they’re killing meeee….” while being overrun by a horde of walking corpses during our interview.

Unlike with the anti-immigrant legislation Governor Brewer signed into law in April, the Obama administration has had little to say about Arizona’s stance toward the undead. Some believe President Obama is attempting to appear more centrist after spending nearly two years dealing with divisive issues like heath care reform, bank bailouts, and unemployment. Since polls show an overwhelming majority of Americans support the right to shoot zombies, it might be wise for the President to stay above the fray as the 2010 midterms approach.

With regard to his 2012 reelection effort, Obama can only hope the undead kill and eat more Republicans than Democrats between now and then. Zombies may not have the right to vote (yet), but they can still affect the outcome of elections.

14 Responses to “Arizona’s tough new anti-zombie law raises questions”

  1. Emmalovely said

    lmfao.. lynch all niggers

    • This article is about zombies. z*o*m*b*i*e*s.

      Ah well, I said I was not going to edit or delete comments unless they were spam ads.

      For the record, I assumed that meant I’d be leaving up comments telling me I am lame or my articles aren’t funny.

      • Alexandria Beaverhousin said

        Looks like Emmalovely isn’t so lovely…

        • Eh, it’s a wordpress thing. You post on other people’s wordpress blogs hoping readers will click on your link, which is automatically imbedded.

          Whatev. I support an open flow of uncensored communication, even if I don’t always like the message.

  2. tsuchigari said

    We should embrace our resident zombies, they teach why being alive and sentient is so great! Excellent post. I recommend “The Zombie Survival Guide” by Brooks – excellent read.

    • Five essentials in a zombie apocalypse: Boards, nails, a hammer, a rifle with a sight, and Brooks’ Zombie Survival Guide.

      I encourage you to embrace our resident zombies, but I suggest you do so while wearing bite-proof clothing.

  3. jeanie said

    I’m quite pleased you are encouraging folks to “embrace our resident zombies.” This is a sensitive topic for me as I have a number of zombie relatives as well as a zombie dog and zombie gerbil. I have been studying zombification with the help of a generous grant from ZAP. You may have heard of my breakthrough work with zombie dogs which involves reinforcing the basic zombie dog commands. It’s called “Drop the Brains Fido” and I think you will find it most informative.

    • Can one assume your little white dog is not exactly an A student?

      Then again, he smells all right for a zombie.

      • jeanie said

        damn straight he smells good. Like a a fresh breeze on a summer day. ( of course- this may be on account of the new “fresh breeze on a summer day” shampoo I’ve been using). but whatever, he is the best smelling zombie dog this side of Arizona- that’s for damn sure.

  4. Great article. Funny as hell and yet thought provoking.

    “Despite a harsh law in place that prevents the passing of harsh laws” and “Throw me the lamp”

    I can picture her saying that – since she wasn’t sure what illegal immigrants looked like, I doubt she knows what zombies look like either.

    Thanks for the entertainment.

    • “Since she wasn’t sure what illegal immigrants looked like, I doubt she knows what zombies look like either.”

      Ha ha ha! That’s great.

      Nice Zombie site by the way. I think I’m adding it to my blogroll.

  5. KH said

    Would like to see a remake of this with Zombies:

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