Science PROVES that video games cause violence

Is America turning its back on our most vulnerable citizens?

By Lacy Thundercake

 

PRINCETON – Researchers at Princeton University say they have found conclusive evidence linking violent video games to violent behavior in those who pay them, citing the recent spate of unsolved zombie killings as well as the large number of game controllers showing signs of domestic abuse.

Popular games such as Resident Evil and House of the Dead: Overkill, which require users to kill the undead in inhumane ways, lead players to devalue unlife in the real world, says head researcher Herbert West.

“We’ve seen a dramatic rise in the number of zombie killings nationwide, many of which are clearly copycatting methods designed by Nintendo and PlayStation in their violent games,” West explains. “It’s reminiscent of the space invader shootings back in the early 80s.”

Readers may recall that a group of alien invaders sued video-game maker Atari in 1989 after hundreds of extraterrestrials were killed by armed children shooting straight up into the air. The case was settled out of court for an undisclosed sum.

West also says discarded game-system controllers often show signs of having been squeezed, shaken, and tilted sideways.

“Tilting an X-box controller does not improve shooting accuracy,” says West. “This leads us to the irrevocable conclusion that these objects were subjected to player rage.”

West adds, “A dead controller can’t talk, but, through science, we can bring its killer to justice.”

A spokesperson for Microsoft, which produces the X-box 360 console, was unavailable for comment, as she was in the midst of a 27-hour Bodycount marathon and was too dehydrated to speak.

The Princeton researchers’ findings are not the only evidence of violent video games inspiring real-life violence. The recent raid on Osama Bin Laden’s compound in Pakistan turned up videotapes of Bin Laden himself playing Spyro the Dragon on the original PlayStation system, a hard-to-dispute link between fictional magic crystals and the masterminding of worldwide terrorist networks.

Josef Stalin, one of history’s most brutal dictators, was said to be addicted to the game Pong, which involves the relentless beating of a fat, unarmed pixel for hours on end. Politicians are also known to play Pong when learning how to deflect questions from reporters.

Pro-zombie activists planned to hold a rally in Washington DC today to demand lawmakers pass a bill that requires background checks and a mandatory 5-day waiting period for the purchase of zombie-killing games, but they were attacked and eaten by zombies.

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America Crowns Miss Teen Zombie USA

By Lacy Thundercake

Miss Teen Zombie USA 2011

“Here she comes, your entrails in her mouth.”

Millions of television viewers heard those words sung last night as Deidre “Dee” Kay of Tennessee was crowned the first-ever Miss Teen Zombie USA. That’s when Corporeal Entropy as a Result of Dental Aggression by Cannibal Corpse became America’s song. And young Ms. Kay became America’s Zombie.

Kay, who was not expected to challenge for the crown, overcame stiffening competition from runners up Miss California and Miss New Mexico, thanks to her combination of talent and charm. Miss Minnesota, the favorite going in, was shot in the head by a redneck last week and thrown onto a bonfire, thus forcing her to drop out. Another contender, Miss New Hampshire, had to exit the pageant early when her arms fell off.

The event, which was broadcast last night from the Uneeda Medical Supply Pavilion in Los Angeles, featured 18- and 19-year-old undead women from 49 states and the District of Columbia vying for the Miss Teen Zombie title. Kay impressed the judges during the talent competition by eviscerating a screaming human with her teeth in less than three minutes. When asked what she planned do if she won the competition, she told the audience she wanted to host the first zombie cooking show.

“While I can shred raw flesh was well as anyone,” she said, “I want to teach young zombies that paprika and steaming intestines can co-exist on a dinner plate.”

Kay also said she wants to make sure all zombies to have equal access to embalming fluid, which she drinks daily and credits for scaring away flies.

After pageant host Larry King placed the tiara on her head, an emotional Kay said, “I’d be crying right now if I weren’t so desiccated.”

Profile of Deidre Kay, the new Miss Teen Zombie USA

 Age at time of reanimation – 18

Favorite movie – My dinner, Andre

Favorite TV show – *&@! My Dad Says When Gnawing on a Femur

Favorite song – I love the Dead by Alice Cooper

Favorite literary character – Hannibal Lecter

Favorite historical figure – Lazarus

Most embarrassing moment – “Shouting ‘Braaaaaiiiiinnnnssss!’ when I met the First Lady Michelle Obama last year. I had planned to say something more profound. She looked perturbed.”

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Don’t Ask Don’t Eat: Zombies in the Military

By Eric J Baker

Chewy D. Vour, who earned this medal for bravery in combat, was kicked out of the military for being a zombie.

WASHINGTON DC – Pressure is mounting for President Obama to follow through on his campaign promise to end the military’s Don’t Ask Don’t Eat policy, which permits the undead to join the armed services so long as they do not reveal themselves to be zombies. The President’s vow went largely unnoticed at the time he uttered it in 2008, as the zombie apocalypse had yet to begin.

But now that the walking dead represent one third of the world’s population and have integrated themselves into all facets of society, zombie advocacy groups are saying the President had better make good on his word… or else.

“We’re now the single largest voting block in the country,” says Brian Muncher, founder of Zombies Against Duplicitous Democrats (ZADD) and a zombie himself. “We can easily swing the midterm elections in whatever direction we choose. And right now, we’re looking for a more zombie-friendly political party.”

Over 250 zombies have been kicked out of the U.S. Armed Service in the past two months. Chewy D. Vour is one of them.

“One day, I’m laying a smackdown on the Taliban and the next day I’m on a flight back to Nebraska in my civvies,” he says. “I’m a soldier who doesn’t need water, doesn’t complain about the heat, and doesn’t mind sand in my shorts. But I guess they don’t need me.”

Vour scoffs at the notion that his fellow solders would suffer diminished morale if they discovered they were serving alongside a walking corpse. “Dude, I’m missing half my face, my intestines keep falling out, and my skin is a shriveled, desiccated husk. They knew I was a zombie.”

But if the undead hope to find a more zombie-friendly political party than the Democrats, they might need to look somewhere other than the GOP. The new crop of tea-party-endorsed Republican candidates has hardly set out the welcome mat for the human-flesh-eating voter. Last week, New York State gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino told supporters, “Children shouldn’t have their brains eaten by zombies,” then later apologized for the comment, saying he didn’t know zombies have difficulty penetrating human skulls and are forced to eat organ meat in most cases.

Fresh brains are thought to have restorative powers for the rotting.

On Friday, Nevada’s Republican Senate candidate Sharon Angle caused a stir when she asked a group of young zombies at a high school if they listen to the 1980’s pop group Fine Young Cannibals. Since then, the offended students have been selling t-shirts that read “Zombies Don’t Eat Zombies” in an effort to raise money for Angle’s Democratic counterpart and current Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.

Delaware’s Republican Senate Candidate Christine O’Donnell briefly won a small undead following when a YouTube clip began circulating last month in which she admitted to “dabbling in flesh eating” in high school. Later, she was forced to run a television ad denying she was a zombie.

So where does this leave the zombies who currently serve in the military but are also living  secret, other lives? Ex-soldier Vour claims to have the answer.

“I’m going to run for president in 2011,” he says, having just founded a new political entity called the Zombie America Party (ZAP), which boasts a pro-zombie, anti-gun platform.

When reminded that the next presidential election isn’t until 2012, Vour says, “Dude, I’m kind of rotting over here. I’m in a hurry.”

Readers who wish to support the Vour For President campaign can donate money to his website via credit card, though he is also willing to accept a bucket of steaming, hot brains.

Study shows Fake News journals depend too heavily on Zombie-themed articles

By Eric J Baker

Angry Pink Bunny, writer of the militant fake news journal, The Avocado

PRINCETON, NJ – A study published this week by Princeton University claims that a disproportionate number of fake news stories feature zombies, relative to the frequency with which actual zombie incidents appear in the news. According to researchers involved in the study, such a disparity could have dangerous consequences.

“Gullible people might read all these stories and start thinking the threat of a zombie apocalypse is very high, when, in fact, its probability is only around 20 percent,” says the university’s Media Studies professor, Herbert West. “If we, as the left-wing, east-coast elite, have one responsibility, it’s to protect the stupid from themselves. We believe in natural selection in theory, but not in practice.”

Purveyors of fake news are quick to refute West’s accusation.

“Stupid people don’t read fake news articles,” says Old Ancestor, 4023, editor of the fake news journal The Anvil. “They don’t understand the concept in the first place. Anyway, if some addle-brained stooge decides to build a zombie fortress in his back yard because of us, so what? It stimulates the economy.”

Another fake news periodical, The Avocado, known for its rather lurid headlines, has gone so far as to publish a scathing, though (possibly) fake, response this week entitled, “Princeton Professor Films Bestiality Porn in his Basement!”

Calls to The Avocado’s imaginary office seeking comment were not answered.

Head writer for The Anvil, Eric J Baker, takes a pragmatic view.

“You invent news stories that people read. A zombie story gets four or five times the number of Internet views that a story about Congress or the Supreme Court gets,” he says.

Not all fake news writers are pleased with the current zombie fad, though. Baker’s fellow Anvil scribe, Lacy Thundercake, will be more than happy the next time a giant Jesus statue burns down or some other inherently funny event takes place.

“It’s frustrating,” says Thundercake, 32, the journal’s entertainment reporter. “If it weren’t for Lindsay Lohan, I’d never get a byline. Why can’t Britney Spears murder Paris Hilton or something?”

Thundercake, who doesn’t exist, says zombies suck.

That’s just the kind of attitude that has real-life zombie Francisco Conquistador angry. The Spaniard, who became zombified in the Caribbean over 400 years ago, believes film, comic book, and fake news treatment of zombies has created a grossly distorted image with the public.

“Zombies are not rotting, flesh-eating monsters returned from the grave,” he explains. “That’s just stupid. We’re the undead victims of a voodoo spell.”

Conquistador, who, save for a trance-like stare, appears human, insists he has no desire to kill anyone and that there are hardly enough voodoo practitioners left in the world to bring about any kind of apocalypse.

“Fake news stories about zombies just aren’t funny,” he says.

While that view is open to debate, he has precedent on his side. In a little-known Supreme Court case from 1954, Fake news v. People who think it’s stupid, the court ruled that fake news can be funny when it’s topical, but when current events don’t lend themselves to humorous interpretation or satire, fake news becomes stupid.

Anvil editor Old Ancestor isn’t interested in real zombies or the Supreme Court.

“How does the Supreme Court know what’s funny?” he asks. “If you can find nine people on this planet who are more humor-deficient than those guys, let me know.”

Ancestor also questions the validity of the so-called legitimate news media. “How do we know what they say is true? Reality is not a concrete thing. It’s changeable. How do you know what’s around you is real? How does the person reading this article know he or she is real? Maybe there’s another universe where all this zombie stuff really happens and they write fake news articles about the real stuff that happens here.”

In response to Ancestor’s words, The Anvil’s head writer Baker said, “This is why we don’t let editors write. They say stupid sh*t.”

NEXT WEEK: Existentialism in fake news… Too esoteric? 

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Obama’s secret passion: Italian cannibal movies

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Cannibals and Zombies. Can you tell the difference?

WASHINGTON DC – President Obama revealed in a primetime interview last night he frequently watches 1970s and early 1980s Italian-made cannibal movies and that he owns an extensive collection of them on DVD. The films are usually set in South American jungles and are considered to be among the most violent and blood-drenched productions in cinema history.

Appearing on NBC’s newsmagazine show Scripted Dramas are Too Expensive, the President told host Chris Hansen, “When I need to think on an issue that affects Americans, I often put on an Italian cannibal movie. It clears my head and, you know, the answer reveals itself.”

First Lady Michele Obama, sitting beside her husband during the interview that took place in the White House, laughed at his comment, saying, “Yeah. He also watches them all day when we’re on vacation. It’s like an Italian-cannibal-movie marathon. Last time we were away he must have watched Make Them Die Slowly  a dozen times.”

That 1981 film, also released under the title, Cannibal Ferox, features numerous scenes of graphic flesh eating and dismemberment and once boasted on its theater-lobby poster of having been “banned in 31 countries.”

When asked by Hansen if their daughters were allowed to watch the film, the First Lady said, “Oh, yeah. Malia can name all 24 acts of barbaric cruelty in the order they occur in the movie.”

Why specifically Italian-made cannibal movies?

“Pretty much nobody else makes them,” says the First Lady.

The President also cites 1978’s notorious Cannibal Holocaust and 1977’s Trap Them and Kill Them (also known as Emmanuelle and the Last Cannibals) as favorites.

“The one I watch the most though,” the President told America last night, “is Doctor Butcher MD. It just doesn’t let up. There’s some serious flesh eating in that one.”

Reaction from Republicans on Capital Hill was swift and harsh this morning.

“It’s outrageous that the President of the United States would make this claim,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Doctor Butcher MD isn’t a cannibal film. It’s a zombie film.”

Representative Eric Cantor (R-VA) echoed McConnell’s words, saying, “The alternate title is Zombie Holocaust. In neither title does the word ‘cannibal’ appear. The American people are not that easily fooled.”

When told of Cantor’s remarks, Vice President Biden said, “That’s bullsh*t. Has the congressman even watched the movie? The zombies show up with about 5 minutes left at the end. The rest is cannibals. It’s a cannibal movie.”

Online retailer Amazon.com reports sales of Italian cannibal DVDs are surging today. 1980’s Zombie Holocaust/Doctor Butcher MD appears to have benefited the most from all the controversy, ranking # 2 amongst all titles in sales today, up from 37,234th yesterday.

Earlier today, radio and television pundit Glenn Beck accused Amazon.com of being a leftist organization, asking radio listeners, “Don’t you find it more than a little coincidental that President Obama’s favorite movies are set in the Amazon jungle?”

An Amazon.com spokesperson denied any connection.

Scripted Dramas are Too Expensive host Hansen, who many feel was more interesting when he was humiliating child molesters on Dateline’s To Catch a Predator, is known for probing into his political guests’ hobbies and personal interests. On last week’s show, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin told Hansen that she relaxes by practicing her ABC’s and trying to memorize her board book, “Numbers 1-9.”

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Zombie Wins Republican Primary!

Wholesale Orders of Human Flesh Skyrocket

 

By Eric J Baker 

 

 

 

Bub Howard declares victory last night

 

SACRAMENTO – In a shocking turn that has stunned the political world, undead GOP Senate candidate Bub Howard has seemingly come from nowhere to defeat Carly Fiorina in California’s Republican primary runoff election. Howard will now face Democrat Barbara Boxer in November’s midterms, leaving Fiorina to sit at home and count the millions she earned turning Hewlett Packard into a crappy company.

If Americans ever needed proof that zombies have become a potent political force, here it is: Howard was polling tenth out of ten GOP candidates only 4 months ago. But that was before the Zombie Apocalypse began. Howard died of zombiosis (zombie-bite poisoning) in late April and suddenly, just days after he returned from the grave to devour the flesh of the living, most polls showed him in fifth place. 

“One out of four Americans is now undead. It’s time we had a voice in Washington!” Howard told groaning supporters at his headquarters in the Los Angeles County Morgue. “They can shoot us in the head. They can burn us. But they can’t take away our appetite… for victory in November!”

Even as of yesterday morning, though, his win hardly seemed assured. In fact, most believed Fiorina had won the original primary last month and would campaign against the incumbent, Boxer, in the fall. But Howard made a late surge, and, when all the votes were counted, the election was deemed “too close to call,” necessitating yesterday’s runoff.

Some political experts believe Howard benefited from a combination of factors.

“You have to realize there are more and more zombies every day,” says Lucy O. Fulci, the head of UCLA’s Political Science department. “One thing we’ve noticed is that zombies vote zombie, almost exclusively. This is why President Obama’s poll numbers are dropping. Many of his most ardent supporters in 2008 are zombies now. It would be politically expedient of him to become undead.”

A second factor in Howard’s rise is a revitalized ad campaign. His initial slogan, “Brainsssss!” failed to catch on, as many felt it simply pandered to his base. To tap into voter discontent with Washington establishment, Howard changed the phrase to, “We’re coming to get you, Barbara!” and his popularity took off.

Senator Boxer’s campaign must have anticipated a possible victory for the undead Republican: They’ve already issued a new slogan today, which reads, “There’s something rotting in Denmark. And it’s Bub Howard!”

Despite their supposed unity as a voting block, some zombies are throwing their support behind Boxer.

“I can’t believe [Howard] is running as a Republican,” says Morty Rigor, a former electrician and now walking corpse who spends his days feasting on the supple flesh of the living. “The Republicans are the ones who wanted us shot on sight. They’re the ones who won’t let us get married. The liberals fought for our right to vote, for crying out loud!”

A staffer from Howard’s campaign, and also a zombie, responded to these allegations by telephone this morning.

“Taxes. It’s that simple,” said the staffer. “Zombies don’t have to pay taxes, because we’re dead, and Bub Howard doesn’t think anyone should have to. Plus, there’s that death tax, and we really don’t like it. Why should we lose all that money just because we’ve become hideous, murdering, cannibalistic, hell-spawned abominations?”

What remains to be seen is how long zombies can stay a powerful presence in American politics. The Apocalypse is only a few months old, and early zombies are already starting to show signs of desiccation and advanced decomposition. Scientists believe the flesh-eating behavior only slows the rotting but does not stop it. Will there be enough walking dead left by November to give Boxer’s Senate seat to Howard?

“There’s no need to be concerned” says Dr. Fulci. “Zombies and humans will learn to live in harmony, and we are about to enter the utopian future we’ve always dreamed about.”

She went on to say, “I’m kidding. This is the Apocalypse. Two years from now, mankind will be wiped out, the zombies will have decayed, and all humanity’s great accomplishments will be lost to the sands of time, as if none of it had ever happened.”      

[The Anvil wishes to apologize to our readers. That was the most depressing ending ever written for a fake news article. We promise our next article will conclude with someone getting hit in the groin by a little kid swinging a bat at a piñata and missing. – Ed]

Arizona’s tough new anti-zombie law raises questions

Zombies: US citizens or domestic terrorists?

 

By Eric J Baker

Constitutional conundrum: Should zombies be allowed to vote?

PHOENIX – In response to the Zombie Apocalypse that’s rapidly sweeping the world, Arizona’s legislature passed a harsh new anti-zombie law this week, despite a harsh law in place that prevents the passage of harsh laws.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” Arizona governor Jan Brewer said last night on CNN’s Larry King Live, though it is not known if she was referring to the passage of the new law or quoting the character Jafar from Aladdin.

She also said, “Throw me the lamp!”

As promised by the governor, the new law contains a provision allowing armed citizens to kill zombies on sight. Previously, only law-enforcement personnel, national guardsmen, and paid government militia members were permitted to shoot the walking dead. But it’s other components of the legislation that have stirred debate and stoked controversy.

Businesses can now be fined for using zombie labor, and people who keep undead relatives locked up rather than turning them over to the authorities will risk jail time. Zombies of illegal immigrants can either be shot or deported.

“This is just another way for the government to curtail our civil liberties,” says Paul Naschy, whose uncle Jacinto Molina, a zombie, was living in a cage in the back yard. Until the police shot Molina and took away the body.

“I don’t know what’s worse,” Naschy laments, “The zombies or the socialists.”

Zombie rights groups oppose the new law and vow to take the state of Arizona to court.

“Zombies are US citizens, just like you and me,” says Patchouli Johnson of Zombies Are People (ZAP), a not-for-profit organization. “Why are they being treated like intruders? The government took away their unemployment checks, even though we know no one will hire a zombie, and now they’re being exterminated like mosquitoes. Where’s the compassion?”

Legal experts say there is a distinction between zombies and humans. It just hasn’t been established yet.

“Technically, it’s hard to prove a zombie isn’t the same person he was when alive,” explains Harvard law professor Nadine Pencilwacker. “Same finger prints, same retina pattern. Still moving. And the legal world doesn’t account for such a thing as a ‘soul.’ On the other hand, these creatures are ravenous cannibals. But can they be charged with a crime? Are they legally insane? There are so many layers.”

Pencilwacker went on to say, “Aaaaaaah! Help! Oh God, they’re killing meeee….” while being overrun by a horde of walking corpses during our interview.

Unlike with the anti-immigrant legislation Governor Brewer signed into law in April, the Obama administration has had little to say about Arizona’s stance toward the undead. Some believe President Obama is attempting to appear more centrist after spending nearly two years dealing with divisive issues like heath care reform, bank bailouts, and unemployment. Since polls show an overwhelming majority of Americans support the right to shoot zombies, it might be wise for the President to stay above the fray as the 2010 midterms approach.

With regard to his 2012 reelection effort, Obama can only hope the undead kill and eat more Republicans than Democrats between now and then. Zombies may not have the right to vote (yet), but they can still affect the outcome of elections.

Zombie apocalypse eases unemployment, boosts retail sales

BUT UNDERTAKER AND GRAVEYARD INDUSTRIES STILL REELING

 

By Eric J Baker

 

 

These zombies say they have rights, too, and are demanding fair representation in Washington

WASHINGTON, DC – Stocks closed higher yesterday amidst promising news on the economic front: Jobless rates are falling, according to the latest Labor Department data, and retail sales are inching up, which could indicate consumer confidence is on the rise. Most experts and government officials attribute the improved conditions to the zombie apocalypse currently sweeping the globe.

At a press conference yesterday morning, Labor Department spokesperson Vernita Biscuitbarrel told reporters the unemployment rate now stands at 7.3 percent and is falling fast.

“And these aren’t those bullsh*t numbers we’ve been giving out,” she said. “Like counting temporary census workers or not counting people whose benefits ran out. This is the real deal.”

It is believed over a million out-of-work Americans have been devoured by the undead in recent weeks and, therefore, are no longer being tallied with the unemployed. Other workers have been hired by the government to scour the countryside in search of the pesky flesh eaters.

“It’s not hard work, killing zombies,” says Pinky Middleton, a former software engineer from Topeka, Kansas. “Beat ‘em or burn ‘em. They go up pretty easy.”

Some on the right are critical of the Labor Department report, saying it’s not fair to count temporary zombie killers as fully employed.

“President Obama likes to take credit for improved numbers, but Americans want to see real progress on joblessness, not some sham portable slaughterhouse routine,” GOP Senate candidate Rand Paul said yesterday. “We need to allow private business owners to use zombies as slaves, thus saving them money on payroll. Once that saved money trickles down, watch out! Happy days are here again.”

Elsewhere, sporting goods stores and discount retailers like K-Mart and Target report brisk sales of bullets and rifles while home-improvement chains are having trouble keeping wood and nails in stock.

National retailers Lowe’s and Home Depot are now sending teams out to board up people’s houses in trucks labeled “Zombie Squad.”

“A lot of our customers have lost loved ones after zombies penetrated their home defenses,” says Woody Plank, Home Depot’s National Sales Director. “We give them the peace of mind they need to sleep at night.”

Home Depot is offering money back to any customers who are bitten by zombies or become zombies after using the company’s home-boarding service.

Some economists warn that the improved economic numbers are only temporary and will drop after the inevitable collapse of civilization.

Says MSNBC analyst Dylan Ratigan, “When the entire human race has been transformed into the rotting, mindless undead, because that’s what’s coming, will the unemployment rate be 0% or 100%? It’s an interesting philosophical question.”

Not everyone is worried. Author and former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, standing atop the roof of her Alaska home as she picks off zombies with a high-powered rifle, says, “Americans are a pretty clever bunch ‘o people, don’t cha know. We have a way of makin’ orange juice out of oranges.”

After ‘accidentally’ shooting television reporter Katie Couric, who was on the lawn below interviewing one of the undead, Palin added, “Gotcha, journalist!”