Superman: “All this power, and I couldn’t do Lois’ taxes.”
Posted by oldancestor on April 13, 2011
By Eric J Baker
METROPOLIS – It took the U.S. tax code to do what kryptonite never could: Defeat the Man of Steel.
An anguished Superman admitted to reporters yesterday that, despite his extensive powers, he was unable to complete girlfriend Lois Lane’s 2010 tax return. “She runs a small business in another state, inherited money from overseas, collects rent from a sublet, and did some freelance writing last year,” he said. “No amount of spinning the Earth backward can undo that tax train wreck.”
Superman’s former nemesis, Lex Luthor, now a Washington D.C. lobbyist who advises members of both major parties on how to make life more miserable for ordinary citizens, said of the crime fighter’s predicament, “Muhahahahahahahahahaha!”
Lane got into her own embarrassing predicament last night when she was pulled over and arrested for suspicion of driving while intoxicated, allegedly telling the arresting officer, “Everybody lies on their tax return. Except for Mr. Perfect. He’s just got to report every [expletive deleted] penny. Candy [expletive deleted]!”
She also reportedly said, “He ain’t no man of steel either, if you know what I mean. Whoever said he’s faster than a speeding bullet must have been an ex-girlfriend.”
Indeed, it’s been a difficult several months for the superhero, who has struggled to get his political career untracked. Despite calling himself the “tough on crime” candidate, he came in a distant third in Metropolis’s City Council election last November. Political analysts say voters were turned off when photos surfaced showing Superman wearing blue tights with red underwear on the outside. The images quickly went viral.
He’s also been dogged by accusations he was not actually born on the planet Krypton. Ultraconservative millionaire Bruce Wayne has led the charge, making frequent public demands that Superman release a copy of his Krypton birth certificate.
Wayne, who also hosts the reality show Superhero Apprentice, is a media whore who will say anything to get publicity, no matter how stupid it makes him look, as long as someone will put him on TV when he says it, so much so that he does not even know or care that his bizarre hairstyle makes him look like a repugnant, freakish buffoon, according to Daily Planet reporter Clark Kent.
“He wants proof Superman was born on Krypton,” says Kent. “Well, by golly, I want proof his parents weren’t featured extras in the movie Deliverance.”
The man of steel isn’t the only superhero having trouble making sense of America’s tax code before the April 18th filing deadline. Physicist Bruce Banner, who becomes the Incredible Hulk when angered, twice changed into the oversized green monster this week when he discovered the Internal Revenue Service would not let him claim more than three pairs of purple pants as a business expense.
When contacted by The Anvil, a spokesperson for the IRS said, “Who does he think he is, Prince?”
Yesterday, an extra-angry Hulk punched his way through the wall at IRS headquarters in Washington DC and began cramming tax forms down the throats of agency staffers. President Obama quickly arrived in a superhero uniform and put a stop to the mayhem by promising the Hulk a quick resolution to his tax problems.
“We’ve learned from dealing with Wall Street bankers that the best way to address appalling behavior is to coddle and give the perpetrator whatever he wants,” the President later told reporters at a White House press conference.
The Hulk, standing beside President Obama, added, “HULK SMASH PUNY HUMAN!”
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The Anvil gives a very special thanks to illustrator Mark Armstrong for providing today’s image. Be sure to visit Mark’s Web site to see more of his great artwork.
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Alexandria Beaverhousin said
This is by far my favorite article! I enjoy learning more about the Superheroes’ personalities. I didn’t know Bruce was such an attention whore. That makes me like him less. He such a playboy too. I hope he uses protection with all those ladies. Why can’t I be one of those ladies?!?! What make them more special than me?!?!?
oldancestor said
Er, the ladies are there to quell rumors. Robin didn’t pick up the nickname “boy wonder” for his superhero prowess, if you get my drift.
charlywalker said
Let’s not comb-over Wayne’s escape mechanism…..get in the Limo,
Robin..er…Melania..er..Marla.er..Ivana..
I lied…this is the best ever..
P.S. I subscribed long ago, but nothing is sent……Is it me?
oldancestor said
Spam blocker? I’ll look into it.
charlywalker said
What does canned Ham have to do with it?
oldancestor said
What, that Tina Turner song?
No, wait. That was “love.” What’s “love” got to do with it. Not “canned ham.”
I always mix those two up.
charlywalker said
Re-Mix.
oldancestor said
I should have spent more time at all-night rave parties. I’d probably be familiar with the extended version.
Greg Camp said
Superheroes and supervillians, it’s time for a truce! Form an alliance, and defeat the greatest threat to the human race since Cobra Commander joined al Qaeda: The IRS!
oldancestor said
I can get behind that cause.
nrhatch said
This post is not just AWESOME . . . it’s Super-Hero AWESOME!
And that illustration is spot on. Thanks for turning Tax Day woes into laughter. Especially enjoyed:
* Political analysts say voters were turned off when photos surfaced showing Superman wearing blue tights with red underwear on the outside. The images quickly went viral.
BTW: I think you’re getting Bruce Wayne and Charlie Sheen mixed up:
Wayne, who also hosts the reality show Superhero Apprentice, is a media whore who will say anything to get publicity, no matter how stupid it makes him look, as long as someone will put him on TV when he says it, so much so that he does not even know or care that his bizarre hairstyle makes him look like a repugnant, freakish buffoon, according to Daily Planet reporter Clark Kent.
Oh, wait, maybe The Donald. And not the Duck.
Quack.
oldancestor said
Definitely the Donald. And that was Clark Kent giving an opinion, not me editorializing. Clearly.
Mr. Armstrong’s illustration is a slight improvement over my magic marker sketches. Just a tiny one.
Mark Armstrong said
I prefer your magic marker sketches. This Armstrong guy is way too slick…
Your post was so funny I read it over and over. I shoulda been out on my usual street corner selling pencils. I probably lost a good 10 cents. I’m gonna claim it as some kinda deduction if I ever get around to doing my taxes.
Keep up the superheroic work!! : )
oldancestor said
Yeah, the problem with the Armstrong dude is that he’s a total primadonna to work with. He’s worse than Cher.
jeanie said
pssst, old ancestor,
ix-nay on the armstrong-ay remarks. *whispering*:I think he is the one who left that last remark!
how the hell do you say Armstrong in pig latin anyway? Damn, and I thought I was so fluent.
oldancestor said
For last names that start with vowels, you need to use Gibbish.
charlywalker said
Is that what the BeeGees spoke?
Mark Armstrong said
Pig Latin. Let’s see…
I did take Latin back in high school… add in my table manners, and yes, it’s all coming together… : (
oldancestor said
wow, you went to high school back in 200 a.d.?
So how was Hadrian as an emperor, anyway?
Mark Armstrong said
Emperor? He taught the class!!
oldancestor said
wow. You must have gone to a posh school.
charlywalker said
Oh that’s a stretch…..
oldancestor said
If that was a Stretch Armstrong joke, you win best comment of April 14, 2011
charlywalker said
It was..and I accept….
oldancestor said
If you can make references to TV show characters and random pop-culture artifacts, your halfway to writing fake news.
The Good Greatsby said
Doesn’t the IRS feel guilty about occupying these superheroes time with complicated tax laws when their hours could be better spent saving lives and smashing things?
oldancestor said
Heck, I could spend my time smashing things instead of doing my taxes. I’m not so sure about saving lives though. My shirt could get wrinkled.
What? I this thing is a ball buster to iron.
charlywalker said
A Fili-ball-buster…..
runner up comment???
oldancestor said
I’m thinking about it. Although, if you look at my staff page, you’ll see an epic funny comment from Random Ntrygg. You have competition.
The Hook said
Super post! Way cool. Great minds think alike, right?
oldancestor said
And we do too!
Hope you weren’t offended by my Bruce Wayne insults.
😉
Tammy McLeod said
Crud! Here I was sitting enjoying this until I realized that this is tax day. Oh goodness. From humor to despair. I’m off to pull out the shoe box of receipts.
oldancestor said
If it helps, the deadline is the 18th this year, unless the real news is lying to me.