THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Superman: “All this power, and I couldn’t do Lois’ taxes.”

Posted by oldancestor on April 13, 2011

By Eric J Baker

Superman finally defeated... by the IRS! (© 2011 Mark Armstrong)

METROPOLIS – It took the U.S. tax code to do what kryptonite never could: Defeat the Man of Steel.

An anguished Superman admitted to reporters yesterday that, despite his extensive powers, he was unable to complete girlfriend Lois Lane’s 2010 tax return. “She runs a small business in another state, inherited money from overseas, collects rent from a sublet, and did some freelance writing last year,” he said. “No amount of spinning the Earth backward can undo that tax train wreck.”

Superman’s former nemesis, Lex Luthor, now a Washington D.C. lobbyist who advises members of both major parties on how to make life more miserable for ordinary citizens, said of the crime fighter’s predicament, “Muhahahahahahahahahaha!”

Lane got into her own embarrassing predicament last night when she was pulled over and arrested for suspicion of driving while intoxicated, allegedly telling the arresting officer, “Everybody lies on their tax return. Except for Mr. Perfect. He’s just got to report every [expletive deleted] penny. Candy [expletive deleted]!”

She also reportedly said, “He ain’t no man of steel either, if you know what I mean. Whoever said he’s faster than a speeding bullet must have been an ex-girlfriend.”

Indeed, it’s been a difficult several months for the superhero, who has struggled to get his political career untracked. Despite calling himself  the “tough on crime” candidate, he came in a distant third in Metropolis’s City Council election last November. Political analysts say voters were turned off when photos surfaced showing Superman wearing blue tights with red underwear on the outside. The images quickly went viral.

He’s also been dogged by accusations he was not actually born on the planet Krypton. Ultraconservative millionaire Bruce Wayne has led the charge, making frequent public demands that Superman release a copy of his Krypton birth certificate.

Wayne, who also hosts the reality show Superhero Apprentice, is a media whore who will say anything to get publicity, no matter how stupid it makes him look, as long as someone will put him on TV when he says it, so much so that he does not even know or care that his bizarre hairstyle makes him look like a repugnant, freakish buffoon, according to Daily Planet reporter Clark Kent.

“He wants proof Superman was born on Krypton,” says Kent. “Well, by golly, I want proof his parents weren’t featured extras in the movie Deliverance.”

The man of steel isn’t the only superhero having trouble making sense of America’s tax code before the April 18th filing deadline. Physicist Bruce Banner, who becomes the Incredible Hulk when angered, twice changed into the oversized green monster this week when he discovered the Internal Revenue Service would not let him claim more than three pairs of purple pants as a business expense.

When contacted by The Anvil, a spokesperson for the IRS said, “Who does he think he is, Prince?”

Yesterday, an extra-angry Hulk punched his way through the wall at IRS headquarters in Washington DC and began cramming tax forms down the throats of agency staffers. President Obama quickly arrived in a superhero uniform and put a stop to the mayhem by promising the Hulk a quick resolution to his tax problems.

“We’ve learned from dealing with Wall Street bankers that the best way to address appalling behavior is to coddle and give the perpetrator whatever he wants,” the President later told reporters at a White House press conference.

The Hulk, standing beside President Obama, added, “HULK SMASH PUNY HUMAN!”

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The Anvil gives a very special thanks to illustrator Mark Armstrong for providing today’s image. Be sure to visit Mark’s Web site to see more of his great artwork.

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33 Responses to “Superman: “All this power, and I couldn’t do Lois’ taxes.””

  1. Alexandria Beaverhousin said

    This is by far my favorite article! I enjoy learning more about the Superheroes’ personalities. I didn’t know Bruce was such an attention whore. That makes me like him less. He such a playboy too. I hope he uses protection with all those ladies. Why can’t I be one of those ladies?!?! What make them more special than me?!?!?

  2. Let’s not comb-over Wayne’s escape mechanism…..get in the Limo,

    Robin..er…Melania..er..Marla.er..Ivana..

    I lied…this is the best ever..

    P.S. I subscribed long ago, but nothing is sent……Is it me?

  3. Greg Camp said

    Superheroes and supervillians, it’s time for a truce! Form an alliance, and defeat the greatest threat to the human race since Cobra Commander joined al Qaeda: The IRS!

  4. nrhatch said

    This post is not just AWESOME . . . it’s Super-Hero AWESOME!

    And that illustration is spot on. Thanks for turning Tax Day woes into laughter. Especially enjoyed:

    * Political analysts say voters were turned off when photos surfaced showing Superman wearing blue tights with red underwear on the outside. The images quickly went viral.

    BTW: I think you’re getting Bruce Wayne and Charlie Sheen mixed up:

    Wayne, who also hosts the reality show Superhero Apprentice, is a media whore who will say anything to get publicity, no matter how stupid it makes him look, as long as someone will put him on TV when he says it, so much so that he does not even know or care that his bizarre hairstyle makes him look like a repugnant, freakish buffoon, according to Daily Planet reporter Clark Kent.

    Oh, wait, maybe The Donald. And not the Duck.

    Quack.

    • Definitely the Donald. And that was Clark Kent giving an opinion, not me editorializing. Clearly.

      Mr. Armstrong’s illustration is a slight improvement over my magic marker sketches. Just a tiny one.

  5. I prefer your magic marker sketches. This Armstrong guy is way too slick…

    Your post was so funny I read it over and over. I shoulda been out on my usual street corner selling pencils. I probably lost a good 10 cents. I’m gonna claim it as some kinda deduction if I ever get around to doing my taxes.

    Keep up the superheroic work!! : )

  6. Doesn’t the IRS feel guilty about occupying these superheroes time with complicated tax laws when their hours could be better spent saving lives and smashing things?

  7. The Hook said

    Super post! Way cool. Great minds think alike, right?

  8. Crud! Here I was sitting enjoying this until I realized that this is tax day. Oh goodness. From humor to despair. I’m off to pull out the shoe box of receipts.

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