THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘Zeus’

Experts predict unprecedented weather catastrophe in next century

Posted by oldancestor on March 26, 2011

Also: Duke upset… What does it mean? See below.

 

By Eric J Baker

For hack artists, lightning bolts are the easiest weather phenomenon to draw

SILVER SPRING, MD – Meteorologists at the National Weather Service made a startling prediction today that, if true, will have far-reaching effects on global economic development, transportation, and modern lifestyle. Their claim?

By 2115, the world may run out of weather.

Speaking to reporters at National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) headquarters in Silver Spring, agency director Wendy Day said, “The rate at which modern humans are using weather cannot be sustained. Rain Tuesday and Wednesday, sun on Thursday, windy and cold on Friday… it’s irresponsible to say the least.”

Day also pointed out that, if people need an idea of what life would be like without weather, we need look no further than to our nearest neighbor in the sky, the moon, which is devoid of weather.

“Why do you think no one goes there anymore?” she said. “It sucks.”

Conservatives around the country rejoiced at the news.

“So I guess without weather, there’s no global warming,” Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann said in an interview that aired on Cartoon Network earlier tonight. “American colonists fought the British in Vietnam so we could be free of environmental regulations. Finally, 2000 years later, the victory is complete.”

Former Vice President Al Gore, who has devoted his energy to combating the alleged dangers of global warming in recent years, quickly called his own news conference following the NOAA prediction.

Speaking from his office in Nashville, Gore told reporters, “Global warming uses up weather faster than no global warming. You get extra weather now, no weather later. Not to be alarmist, but within 150 years, humans will be living as our cousins, the worms, do, crawling through the mud, blind and armless and legless, wallowing in our weatherless world of,” at which point everyone present drifted into a peaceful, uninterrupted sleep.

When we awoke, he was gone.

Though some scientists dispute the NOAA findings, Zeus, the king of the gods, believes the prediction has merit.

“I’ve been tossing lightning bolts at the Earth for eons,” he told The Anvil via telephone. “Every time I reached into the pile, there were always more. Until the other day, when I looked and thought, hmmm, there’s maybe only a hundred years’ worth left.”

He added, “Which is just as well, since I’m going to need rotator cuff surgery at some point from all this bolt throwing.”

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Duke upset… what does it mean?

By Eric J Baker

DURHAM, UK – Sir Percival Pantywaist, the current Duke of Fluffington in Durham County, England, was upset yesterday when he spilled grape juice on his yellow velvet breeches, staining them.

Eyewitnesses said the Duke flitted his hands like a bird and stomped on the floor while shouting, “Oh crikey! It’s beastly I tell you. Just beastly!”

The velvet clothes worn by royal subjects in England are considered expensive and hard to replace when damaged, as they are often custom made.

Sir Edmund Bollocks, an expert on public figures in Great Britain, says Sir Percival is, “a complete pillow biter, don’t you think?”

So what does the Duke’s frustration mean for the future?

“It means I’ll be feeding that wanker grape juice with an eye dropper for the next six months,” said his only housekeeper, who declined to give her name for fear of being sacked.

Posted in Science | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments »

The 5 most popular blogs on WordPress

Posted by oldancestor on March 22, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

Today's caption is free of typos AND stoicism.

Who among us doesn’t dream of becoming a blogging star? To have so many millions of adoring readers everyday that your stats page crashes? To be able to quit your job writing arts and entertainment tripe for a stupid internet news journal with a soulless monster for a boss?

[Just get on with it, will you? – ed.]

WordPress is the ideal choice for many blog-stars-in-the-making. As one of the most popular blog hosting sites, and certainly the oldest (it was invented in 1440 and originally known as PrintingPress), WordPress gives you access to millions of other people who also want to be famous bloggers. Maybe yours will be so good that everyone else quits blogging because their spirits are crushed beyond recognition. You can always hope.

So what does it take to make your dream come true? Check out the five most visited WordPress blogs below for some tips.

1. Turning Food into Poop

 Doctor William Rubin

Dr. Rubin, who lost his medical license for implanting leopard gizzards into humans to aid the digestion of red meat, has made lemons into… er, lemonade.  His blog on digestive processes informs readers of what to expect a few hours after they eat something, and he gets about 70,000 clicks per day.

“I receive all kinds of comments from terrified people who think alien creatures are escaping from their bodies,” he says. “How can you be 37 years-old and not know?”

His advice for bloggers trying to make it big?

“Overeat.”

Oh, doc! Did you have to?

2. Zeus is Love

whatwouldherculesdo

“You can’t just say you’re a Pagan. You have to live as one.”

So says the blogger who spreads the word of Zeus to 90,000 people a day throughout the blogosphere. Most posts on Zeus is Love, America’s most popular religious blog, are discussions about scripture passages from the Pagan holy book, More Gods than You Can Shake a Stick at.

“One of my favorite quotes comes from the Book of Perseus, Act 2, verse 28,” says whatwouldherculesdo. “It’s when Zeus is trying to seduce Perseus’ mother, and he says, ‘Yeah, baby!’ That’s 2800 years before Austin Powers said it. Explain that, doubters!”

Other oft-quoted passages from the Pagan holy book include “Lock up your wives and daughters. Zeus is coming and he’s got that look in his eye!” and, from the Book of Heracles, “You want me to shovel what? I’m half god, you asshat.”

3. Tastes like Chicken: Cannibal Cuisine

David Word

Some readers may be surprised that a blog featuring recipes for human flesh is so popular, until one realizes that 40,000 of 50,000 daily clicks come from uncharted regions of the Amazon jungle. Still, that’s quite a few clicks from the so-called civilized world as well.

“Part of my success comes from having just really good recipes for human meat,” Word explains. “And the other part is because I’m sleeping with the owner.”

Indeed, David’s last name is one half of WordPress. His wife, Sarah Press, is the majority shareholder.

“I’m on Freshly Pressed once a week,” he says. “And you’re not.”

4. Piranha Total Care

Bristol Palin

Pet care blogs have been popular since technology has allowed the inner narcissist in all of us a chance to shine online. Piranha Total Care, which began as one of the most obscure, is now the number one pet-themed blog on the internet.

However, many cultural experts attribute the rise in popularity of meat-eating fish web sites to the complete of absence or dogs and cats in the country since President Palin ordered them rounded up and shipped to Australia.

Who can forget the President’s State of the Union address last year, when she said, “I know your pets are looking at me! My eyes might be closed, but I can FEEL THEM LOOKING AT ME.”

We here at The Anvil fully support President Palin’s efforts to ban furry pets from our shores, and we also support her government takeover of the media and the summary executions that followed. All hail President Palin. All hail President Palin.

5. Alternate Writing

JaNeT pLaNeT

There is no shortage of writing blogs on the internet dispensing tips and advice on improving prose, empowering poetry, and peeing other P-writing words. Perhaps there are too many such blogs, one blending into another and becoming so redundant that the weary wordsmith wonders, “When will one winner wipe away WordPress’ wordy wasteland?”

[Please stop – ed.]

We have that winner, folks. It’s JaNeT pLaNeT from Alternate Writing. JaNeT does not profess to know anything about writing, which she says is the key to her success.

“Look, I wouldn’t know a haiku from a hole in your face,” she says. “That’s what makes me so accessible. That and my alternate writing style. Did I mention you were ugly?”

Her alternate writing style involves nothing more than alternating upper and lower case letters. A recent blog post was called, “yOu’Ll NeVeR gEt PuBlIsHeD, bEcAuSe, WeLl, YoU sUcK.”

“It took me a while to learn how to type like this, but I don’t care,” she explains, “because people are stupid jerks and I hope they all die.”

In addition to being a successful blogger, JaNeT is a certified insult therapist and part-time dominatrix.

Her advice to struggling bloggers is, “Quit. No one wants to read your worthless drivel.”

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Legal disclaimer: The Anvil apologizes for not providing links to any of these popular blogs, but astrophysicists at Princeton University tell us that posting links into alternate realities can cause a tear in the time-space continuum that results in the instantaneous return of every lost sock since the advent of the clothes dryer.

Posted in Arts | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 27 Comments »

Massive quake strikes FarmVille; Facebook users pledge millions in aid

Posted by oldancestor on November 2, 2010

By Eric J Baker

**Warning: Graphic Photo**

 

Aerial shot of Farmville quake aftermath

FACEBOOK – FarmVille, the world’s most populous city, was struck by a devastating earthquake this afternoon measuring 11.9 on the Richter scale. Early reports estimate the death toll at twenty million, plus their friends, though that number is expected to rise.

Seismologists say the quake occurred at 4:50 p.m. EST, sending thousands of cows and pigs hurtling though the air and crushing their owners to death. Many others were swallowed up by churning blue soil. If the current victim count is accurate, the disaster will go on record as the deadliest in human history.

Donations are already pouring in from around the world, led by Facebook users who spend most of their time in FarmVille.

“I’ve been out of work for a year,” says Roweena Hotpepper, a long-time Facebook member, “but I sent my whole unemployment check. Those poor people need that money more than I do.”

Pinky Middleton, no stranger to unnatural disasters, said he plans to head to FarmVille tomorrow to help with the relief effort. “I was in Myspace when it got hit by the Exodus,” he says. “It’s a ghost town now. I don’t want that to happen to FarmVille.”

To understand the scope of destruction wrought by an 11.9 quake, we asked Dr. Cracky McShake, a seismologist from Detroit University Online, to explain.

“The Richter scale is really dumb,” he says. “Each decimal point higher is, like, a gajillion times worse than the one before. What use is that? It’s like getting paid ten bucks an hour, and your first raise is to a hundred bucks an hour. Then a thousand. How the hell are you supposed to work out your tax bracket?”

But what does that mean for the survivors of the FarmVille quake?

“Survivors?” McShake says with a laugh. “There aren’t any survivors. Do you have any idea what an eleven point nine quake is like? It’s like a house of cards getting hit by a hurricane. It’s like a model train village getting obliterated by a cluster bomb. It’s like your wife and kids disappointing you so very very badly that you have to chop them up with an axe and put their remains through a wood chipper, and then throw those remains into a bonfire. Then you move to Utah or Nebraska or somewhere and change your identity. Eventually you get some bogus position at a fake online university. But that doesn’t stop the voices. The voices that order you to kill and kill again and go on killing until the voices stop.”

He went on to say, “It’s like that.”

Scientists disagree on what caused today’s FarmVille quake. A few fringe members of the scientific community claim it was caused two adjacent tectonic plates slipping or pushing against each other. But most mainstream seismologists and geologists believe it was the result of an angry god punishing us.

Several deities have already claimed responsibility. God, CEO of the popular faith, Christianity, said through his spokesperson, Pat Robertson, “This is what all those people get for being heathens and engaging in bestiality and not voting Republican.”

No so fast, says the Norse god, Thor.

“Thor angry. Thor use hammer,” the son of Odin told The Anvil. “I say, ‘It’s hammer time’ and FarmVille crumbles.”

He added, “Can’t touch this.”

When reached at his home on Mount Olympus, Zeus, the king of the gods, said, “Of course I destroyed FarmVille. Probably. I’ve destroyed so many civilizations I don’t even know I’m doing it anymore.”

When informed that other deities were also claiming credit, the philandering overlord added, “Other gods? Look, I was God before god as a word. Don’t make me burn down another giant Jesus statue.”

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Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , | 8 Comments »

Zeus destroys giant Jesus statue with lightning bolt

Posted by oldancestor on June 16, 2010

“Enough with the idolatry!”

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Like millions of others, the Kraken has a hard time finding work these days. "The Gods must not be angry," it says.

MOUNT OLYMPUS – The king of the gods threw a temper tantrum yesterday, followed by a lightning bolt, striking a 62-foot-tall Jesus statue standing outside the Solid Rock church in Monroe, Ohio. The popular tourist attraction was destroyed.

Zeus was later quoted as saying, “I’ve been patiently overlooking these false idols for almost 1800 years, but come on. 62 feet high? That’s almost as tall as me.”

Indeed, the once-vengeful deity seldom targets statues of the popular biblical character and leaves most plastic dashboard figurines alone. In recent centuries, it seems the gods of Mount Olympus have taken a “live and let live” philosophy toward the foibles of earthbound mortals, in contrast with an earlier, more violent era, when whole cities often felt their wrath. The Kraken, the Titan of Mass Destruction most frequently deployed in the past, has not seen since action it was called upon to sink the ocean liner Titanic almost 100 years ago. In all likelihood, then, yesterday’s attack was an isolated incident.

Still, many Christians find themselves on edge since Solid Rock Church’s Jesus met its fiery demise.

“I hope they keep the statues in the basement until this whole thing blows over,” says Petralova Marquand, a congregant at Our Lady of the Pagan Resistance in Tampa, Florida. “I don’t want to get caught in the crossfire.”

Farzad Rahmadi, a Muslim from West Virginia, laughs about the statue’s destruction. “Now do you understand why we forbid likenesses of the prophet?”

But if Zeus was offended by the exaggerated proportions of the Monroe, Ohio Jesus, how does one explain the continued existence of the Christ the Redeemer statue standing atop Brazil’s Mount Corcovado, which overlooks Rio de Janeiro? At 130 feet high, it would have towered over the Ohio figure if the two were placed side by side.

Most theologians speculate the king of the gods, like all heterosexual men, has a fondness for Brazilian women, often appearing as a cloud of mist or falling star to seduce them.

“Destroying iconic statues with lightning bolts is not seen as conducive to romance,” says Johnny Acropolis, a pagan priest. “Once the mood has been wrecked, not even a god can get a woman to change her mind.”

Others believe the Rio Jesus bears an uncanny resemblance to Zeus’ favorite cousin, Roger, and, for that reason, he is loath to deliver iconoclastic justice.

What does the god himself say?

“Eh, I figured you were all sick of hearing about the oil spill and needed a laugh.”

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , | 8 Comments »

Radical Pagans threaten Clash of the Titans filmmakers

Posted by oldancestor on April 23, 2010

ARE PAGANS DRINKING TOO MUCH ZEUS JUICE?

 

By Eric J Baker

 

ATHENS – A radical Pagan group calling itself The Twelve Labors posted a warning on its website yesterday for Warner Brothers Studios and the filmmakers behind the current box office hit, Clash of the Titans.

According to the site, Pagans are offended at the depiction of the underworld god Hades in the film, who is shown to be violent and vindictive.

“Hades is not Satan,” says the website in an open-letter format to Warner Brothers. “He’s an unhappily married god with the [expletive deleted] job of managing the underworld. He’s sort of a sitcom character.”

A photo on the website shows the ruins of an ancient Greek temple over a caption that reads, “This will be you!”

Malcolm Jamal-Warner and Dr. Joyce Brothers, co-founders of Warner Brothers Studios, issued a joint response that was anything but contrite:

“We made a Greek mythology movie. And we wish to go on making Greek mythology movies until your heads spin and you seethe with such fury that your hearts explode and your souls whither, but not before you suffer the torment of ten-thousand screaming deaths.”

Two Clash sequels are already in the works, Another Clash of the Titans and Harold and Kumar go to Sparta.

“We don’t like the word ‘mythology,’” says mainstream Pagan Pinky Middleton of Charon’s Crossing, Iowa. “But other than that, people need to chill. I think these radicals are a bit, you know, radical.”

Middleton is one of many Roman Pagans who are generally viewed as more tolerant than their Greek counterparts. Rather than issue a death threat when offended, Romans traditionally demand the offending party go to the ends of the Earth to find and retrieve a golden ram’s fleece. This practice has largely fallen by the wayside in recent years, as golden rams are endangered and would-be hunters risk a poaching conviction, which can carry a fine of $100,000 dollars and five years in prison.

“The gods are angry,” counters television personality, talent extraordinaire, and radical Greek Pagan Paula Abdul. “Release the Kraken!”

A call to Mount Olympus seeking information about Krakens was not returned.

This latest incident follows a string of recent religious controversies, including radical Muslims threatening South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone earlier this week, radical Christians threatening Jews during the Spanish Inquisition, and radical atheists threatening courthouse plaques.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , | 4 Comments »