THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘writing’

ROMNEY DEFEATS OBAMA!

Posted by ericjbaker on November 7, 2012

by Lennie

This building in Washington DC is close to the Verizon Center, site of last night’s boxing match.

WASHINGTON DC – In a high-profile dust-up at the Verizon Center last night, light-heavyweight boxer Hank “Bone Crusher” Romney beat the formerly undefeated Shamus “The Irish Hammer” Obama, scoring a TKO in the sixth round of a scheduled ten-round fight. Referee Jimmy Lehrer stopped the fight after Obama was knocked down twice within the first 30 seconds of the round.

Despite protestations from Obama’s trainer, Billy “Elvis” Clinton, Lehrer waved his arms to signal the end of the bout when Obama seemed too dazed to continue. The loss drops Obama’s record to 14-1, while Romney improved to 16-3. There is no word on who Romney plans to fight next.

Of his victory, the exuberant boxer said, “It’s ludicrous!”

In unrelated political news, Democrat Barack Obama was re-elected President of the United States, defeating his Republican rival Mitt Romney after a tight race.

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Posted in Breaking News!, Politics, Sports | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Dracuquake Levels Cleveland!

Posted by ericjbaker on October 29, 2012

By Lacy Thundercake

This map of Cleveland shows six concentric circles, which the city’s mayor wants to reduce to a more manageable three by 2016.

CLEVELAND – With the east coast still in the grips of an 800-mile-wide Frankenstorm, our nation was dealt a further blow tonight when Cleveland, Ohio suffered a Dracuquake measuring 7.5 on the Richter scale. The extent of the damage is not yet known, but authorities are hoping the quake will be killed when the sun rises tomorrow morning.

At a televised press conference that concluded a short time ago, Cleveland mayor Jonathan Harker implored residents to stay out of damaged buildings and to wait calmly for Red Cross personnel to deliver “food, blankets, water, and garlic.”

It is not known what effect a red cross with arms of equal length will have on the Dracuquake.

Harker also advised Clevelanders to tune into The Weather Channel for further updates. “I know this is more of a geological event than a metrological one,” the mayor said, “but I get kickbacks every time I mention them and need money for attack ads.”

The Anvil contacted Weather Channel spokesperson Judy Drench for a response to Harker’s comments.

“A Dracuquake is too weather,” she said. “If it happens outside, it’s weather. Well, a football game isn’t weather I suppose, but we’re not a sports channel, so I can’t comment on that.”

When asked for a response both to the mayor’s comments and Drench’s subsequent response, meteorologist and frequent Anvil contributor Pinky Middleton said he didn’t know why those who study weather are called meteorologists.

“I got into this [expletive deleted] to look at space rocks,” he explained. “Excuse me for using logic. I guess I should have signed up for ‘cloudology.’ I’d probably be on my way to the asteroid belt right now with a fat NASA paycheck, a badass spacesuit, and more chicks than I can handle.”

Middleton did warn east coasters to be on the lookout for Were-nados, which are often spawned by Frankenstorms.

“Those things can get pretty hairy,” he said.

In other natural disaster-related news, scientists in Washington State are currently monitoring seismic activity at Mount St. Helens, site of a massive explosion in 1980 that destroyed hundreds of homes and leveled miles of forest. No one from the Weather Channel was willing to comment, but sources say experts fear a Creature From the Black Lagooncanic eruption on the magnitude of the Mount Pinatubo blast that rocked the Philippines in 1991.

Posted in Breaking News!, Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

7 Common Resume Mistakes

Posted by oldancestor on September 5, 2011

By Robotman

In an effort to cut costs, The Anvil is asking our readers to draw their own picture today

We all know the job market is tough right now. So what can employment seekers do to improve their chances of getting hired? Well, they can start by avoiding some common resume mistakes that will sink their candidacy before it ever sets sail. They should also eliminate corny or bad metaphors in their writing, though that’s a different post. Tangents that go nowhere are not recommended either.

So what are these resume mistakes, you ask? The Anvil spoke to some leading HR professionals to get the inside story:

Mistake # 6 – Numbering your lists incorrectly

“If you promise a list with seven things on it, there should be seven things,” says Brenda Shinbone-Pepperpaste, a human resources consultant with Everything But Human Resources Consulting International, a phony offshore company. On the other hand, she adds, “no one really puts lists on a resume, so forget that I said it.”

Mistake # 5 – Boasting about all the murders you did

You may be a self-employed serial killer who has managed to strangle and hide the bodies of over 20 prostitutes without getting caught. So bragging about it on a resume makes you look ambitious and inventive, right?

Wrong.

“You don’t want hiring managers to think ‘manual labor’ when they see your skill sets,” says Dan Walkingstick, a staffing expert with Omaha International Train Station. “I suggest that people try to get others to do the killing for them. We’re looking for leadership skills.”

Mistake # 4 – Writing your resume with spray paint on the side of a building

It’s a bitch to get that puppy into an email, says Walkingstick. “Most employers use the internet for job stuff now.”

Mistake # 3 – Leaving a dead bird on the hiring manager’s windowsill

“It’s best to stick with a digital-document resume,” explains Shinbone-Pepperpaste. “We know a lot more about germs these days.”

Indeed, popular job-search website monster.com stopped offering dead bird delivery services in 1765 and rival Careerbuilder.com followed suit shortly afterward in 1818, following the birth of Emily Brontë.

Mistake # 2 – Not proofreeding

“Typos will send your resume straight into the recycling bin,” says notorious mass murderer Henry Wayne Ipswich.

He also adds, “Your hair looks pretty. Can I touch it?”

Mistake # 1 – Sending out resumes

There aren’t actually any jobs. Wouldn’t you rather be at the beach anyway?

Don’t miss our other amazing lists, including:

The 5 numbers most likely to come before six

The 11 most ill-behaved celebrity chinchillas

The 6 most common things no one has ever said before

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Posted in Health and Living | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 35 Comments »

Goodbye, Derek

Posted by oldancestor on May 18, 2011

Editorial note: Despite our best efforts over the past year to depict our former head writer, Eric J Baker, as a parody of a serious news journalist, he insists on being a real human being who sometimes writes things that aren’t funny. This story is one of those things. – Old Ancestor, Editor-in-chief
 
 
 
Derek Boogaard 1982 – 2011

By Eric J Baker

 

Anyone who has read this blog regularly over the past year knows I have a rather surreal take on our strange world and its colorful, wonderful inhabitants. And never do I feel more surreal and less human than when I first awaken.

My clock radio is set to conservative morning talk, not because I enjoy it but because I despise it so much I can’t wait to turn it off.  It’s the only thing powerful enough to make me get out of bed. Forget the annoying beep. I’ll just dream I’m trying to smash an indestructible beeping box with a hammer.

Upon hearing that commentator’s voice leap from the crackling speaker every morning at 6:30, my brain, fresh from slumber, struggles to make sense of the world. We have a president? What? Why? Traffic report? We dart around in metal-and-plastic, mechanized carts, filling them full of explosive liquid and sometimes crashing them into each other, on our way to a big box with windows, push numbers and words around for 9 hours, then go home?

Why?

If I wake up to the sports recap, I’m in full surreal mode. A bunch of large, muscular men (or women) running around a field smacking a ball around. Random restrictions on where and when you are allowed to smack. People who don’t know the players stand off to the side, watching, feeling their joy surge and their despair swell in turn, depending on who smacked a ball where.

Ball smackers get paid.

Wait, that’s a little too surreal. Start over:

These are real human athletes doing these things, but if I only hear about it and don’t see it, it’s a bit of an abstraction, right?

Ice hockey is a sport I enjoy above others, but even that is bizarre to my awakening mind. Especially the fights. The prevalence of fighting in hockey is grossly exaggerated by self-amused non-fans, but it is true that every team has an enforcer. Or a “goon” if he plays for the rival team. This is the guy who drops the gloves from time to time for a bare-knuckle brawl with his counterpart in the other uniform. He spends most of the season with broken cheekbones, shattered blood vessels under the skin, and cut-up hands.

During the misty morning sports report, I often think how weird it must be for the enforcer to go home to his wife. Does it hurt her to see her husband’s face beat to a pulp all year? Hockey enforcers get paid a lot better than I do, but they’re still usually the lowest paid guys on the team. An enforcer in the minor leagues takes this abuse for a lot less compensation… The adulation of a few thousand small-town fans, pretty much, and free ice bags.

I believe in personal choice and think boxers should be allowed to box, base jumpers should be allowed to jump, and hockey players should be allowed to fight. If you die doing it, you took the chance.

Which is a nice abstraction in my conscious alert mind, but when New York Rangers enforcer Derek Boogaard, by all accounts a great guy off the ice, dropped dead in his apartment a few days ago, my morning mind came to the fore. People die and don’t ever get to come back. How incredibly odd. What if they aren’t done?

Boogaard, a strapping, tremendously fit man who stood 6’7” tall and weighed 270 pounds, was only 28 years old. He missed most of this season with a brain injury suffered in a fight.

Authorities don’t expect to know for weeks why he died. Maybe it had nothing to do with his job. Even if it did, I still think hockey players should be allowed to fight, and I still say Derek Boogaard knew the risks. But it fills me with sadness that he only got to experience our strange world and its colorful, wonderful inhabitants for such a short time. I hope he remembered to take a moment and notice how surreal it all is.

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Posted in I am a camera | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 25 Comments »

The 5 most popular blogs on WordPress

Posted by oldancestor on March 22, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

Today's caption is free of typos AND stoicism.

Who among us doesn’t dream of becoming a blogging star? To have so many millions of adoring readers everyday that your stats page crashes? To be able to quit your job writing arts and entertainment tripe for a stupid internet news journal with a soulless monster for a boss?

[Just get on with it, will you? – ed.]

WordPress is the ideal choice for many blog-stars-in-the-making. As one of the most popular blog hosting sites, and certainly the oldest (it was invented in 1440 and originally known as PrintingPress), WordPress gives you access to millions of other people who also want to be famous bloggers. Maybe yours will be so good that everyone else quits blogging because their spirits are crushed beyond recognition. You can always hope.

So what does it take to make your dream come true? Check out the five most visited WordPress blogs below for some tips.

1. Turning Food into Poop

 Doctor William Rubin

Dr. Rubin, who lost his medical license for implanting leopard gizzards into humans to aid the digestion of red meat, has made lemons into… er, lemonade.  His blog on digestive processes informs readers of what to expect a few hours after they eat something, and he gets about 70,000 clicks per day.

“I receive all kinds of comments from terrified people who think alien creatures are escaping from their bodies,” he says. “How can you be 37 years-old and not know?”

His advice for bloggers trying to make it big?

“Overeat.”

Oh, doc! Did you have to?

2. Zeus is Love

whatwouldherculesdo

“You can’t just say you’re a Pagan. You have to live as one.”

So says the blogger who spreads the word of Zeus to 90,000 people a day throughout the blogosphere. Most posts on Zeus is Love, America’s most popular religious blog, are discussions about scripture passages from the Pagan holy book, More Gods than You Can Shake a Stick at.

“One of my favorite quotes comes from the Book of Perseus, Act 2, verse 28,” says whatwouldherculesdo. “It’s when Zeus is trying to seduce Perseus’ mother, and he says, ‘Yeah, baby!’ That’s 2800 years before Austin Powers said it. Explain that, doubters!”

Other oft-quoted passages from the Pagan holy book include “Lock up your wives and daughters. Zeus is coming and he’s got that look in his eye!” and, from the Book of Heracles, “You want me to shovel what? I’m half god, you asshat.”

3. Tastes like Chicken: Cannibal Cuisine

David Word

Some readers may be surprised that a blog featuring recipes for human flesh is so popular, until one realizes that 40,000 of 50,000 daily clicks come from uncharted regions of the Amazon jungle. Still, that’s quite a few clicks from the so-called civilized world as well.

“Part of my success comes from having just really good recipes for human meat,” Word explains. “And the other part is because I’m sleeping with the owner.”

Indeed, David’s last name is one half of WordPress. His wife, Sarah Press, is the majority shareholder.

“I’m on Freshly Pressed once a week,” he says. “And you’re not.”

4. Piranha Total Care

Bristol Palin

Pet care blogs have been popular since technology has allowed the inner narcissist in all of us a chance to shine online. Piranha Total Care, which began as one of the most obscure, is now the number one pet-themed blog on the internet.

However, many cultural experts attribute the rise in popularity of meat-eating fish web sites to the complete of absence or dogs and cats in the country since President Palin ordered them rounded up and shipped to Australia.

Who can forget the President’s State of the Union address last year, when she said, “I know your pets are looking at me! My eyes might be closed, but I can FEEL THEM LOOKING AT ME.”

We here at The Anvil fully support President Palin’s efforts to ban furry pets from our shores, and we also support her government takeover of the media and the summary executions that followed. All hail President Palin. All hail President Palin.

5. Alternate Writing

JaNeT pLaNeT

There is no shortage of writing blogs on the internet dispensing tips and advice on improving prose, empowering poetry, and peeing other P-writing words. Perhaps there are too many such blogs, one blending into another and becoming so redundant that the weary wordsmith wonders, “When will one winner wipe away WordPress’ wordy wasteland?”

[Please stop – ed.]

We have that winner, folks. It’s JaNeT pLaNeT from Alternate Writing. JaNeT does not profess to know anything about writing, which she says is the key to her success.

“Look, I wouldn’t know a haiku from a hole in your face,” she says. “That’s what makes me so accessible. That and my alternate writing style. Did I mention you were ugly?”

Her alternate writing style involves nothing more than alternating upper and lower case letters. A recent blog post was called, “yOu’Ll NeVeR gEt PuBlIsHeD, bEcAuSe, WeLl, YoU sUcK.”

“It took me a while to learn how to type like this, but I don’t care,” she explains, “because people are stupid jerks and I hope they all die.”

In addition to being a successful blogger, JaNeT is a certified insult therapist and part-time dominatrix.

Her advice to struggling bloggers is, “Quit. No one wants to read your worthless drivel.”

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Legal disclaimer: The Anvil apologizes for not providing links to any of these popular blogs, but astrophysicists at Princeton University tell us that posting links into alternate realities can cause a tear in the time-space continuum that results in the instantaneous return of every lost sock since the advent of the clothes dryer.

Posted in Arts | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 27 Comments »