THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘violence’

One-armed man singlehandedly de-feets shoe burglar

Posted by oldancestor on June 21, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

 

Wanted: sole mate

BOISE, ID – Bloodshed, mayhem, and violence were chosen in our newsroom today as the three words we most wished we could use at the beginning of this story.

In other news, Boise’s notorious shoe burglar has been apprehended following a six-month manhunt involving a 600-person task force that included Idaho state police, the FBI, the CIA, Nancy Drew, and mall security. But despite the efforts of authorities and the hundreds of millions of dollars spent on the investigation, it took the sharp eye and quick thinking of a local one-armed shoe-lace-tying instructor to bring the criminal to justice.

Ravi Patel, who was teaching double knots to staff members at Foot Locker in the Boise Commons shopping mall, said he was in the middle of his presentation when he noticed something suspicious.

“This guy in a hooded sweatshirt was poking around the display,” says Patel, “and I noticed he had two left legs with what I guesstimated were size 11 feet at the bottom. I knew the shoe burglar only stole size 11 left shoes. I just put two and two together.”

 

Ravi Patel

After the burglar swiped an orange Reebok Zigtech and fled, Patel sprang into action. Witnesses say the brave instructor chased down the thug, tackled him, and, in an act of violence unsuitable for a PG-13 news journal like The Anvil, chopped off the baddie’s right left foot with a Mongolian battleaxe keychain.

“I hope he understands that stealing shoes is wrong and decides to mend his ways,” said Patel of the still-unidentified  burglar, who bled to death at the scene.

So does he feel like a hero for singlehandedly bringing down the state’s most wanted criminal?

“Meh,” said the instructor, who lost his left arm in a TV-watching accident ten years ago, “I do everything singlehandedly.”

Patel was later charged with murder and with possession of an illegal Mongolian battleaxe keychain.

 

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Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 28 Comments »

Science PROVES that video games cause violence

Posted by oldancestor on May 26, 2011

Is America turning its back on our most vulnerable citizens?

By Lacy Thundercake

 

PRINCETON – Researchers at Princeton University say they have found conclusive evidence linking violent video games to violent behavior in those who pay them, citing the recent spate of unsolved zombie killings as well as the large number of game controllers showing signs of domestic abuse.

Popular games such as Resident Evil and House of the Dead: Overkill, which require users to kill the undead in inhumane ways, lead players to devalue unlife in the real world, says head researcher Herbert West.

“We’ve seen a dramatic rise in the number of zombie killings nationwide, many of which are clearly copycatting methods designed by Nintendo and PlayStation in their violent games,” West explains. “It’s reminiscent of the space invader shootings back in the early 80s.”

Readers may recall that a group of alien invaders sued video-game maker Atari in 1989 after hundreds of extraterrestrials were killed by armed children shooting straight up into the air. The case was settled out of court for an undisclosed sum.

West also says discarded game-system controllers often show signs of having been squeezed, shaken, and tilted sideways.

“Tilting an X-box controller does not improve shooting accuracy,” says West. “This leads us to the irrevocable conclusion that these objects were subjected to player rage.”

West adds, “A dead controller can’t talk, but, through science, we can bring its killer to justice.”

A spokesperson for Microsoft, which produces the X-box 360 console, was unavailable for comment, as she was in the midst of a 27-hour Bodycount marathon and was too dehydrated to speak.

The Princeton researchers’ findings are not the only evidence of violent video games inspiring real-life violence. The recent raid on Osama Bin Laden’s compound in Pakistan turned up videotapes of Bin Laden himself playing Spyro the Dragon on the original PlayStation system, a hard-to-dispute link between fictional magic crystals and the masterminding of worldwide terrorist networks.

Josef Stalin, one of history’s most brutal dictators, was said to be addicted to the game Pong, which involves the relentless beating of a fat, unarmed pixel for hours on end. Politicians are also known to play Pong when learning how to deflect questions from reporters.

Pro-zombie activists planned to hold a rally in Washington DC today to demand lawmakers pass a bill that requires background checks and a mandatory 5-day waiting period for the purchase of zombie-killing games, but they were attacked and eaten by zombies.

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 23 Comments »