THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘TV Shows’

Lost’s truth revealed: Island was Gamera the Flying Turtle

Posted by oldancestor on May 24, 2010

By Lacy Thundercake

 

The Big Payoff: The climax of Lost's series finale.

It seems most Lost viewers were right.

Despite the best efforts of producers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse to guard the secret beforehand, we learned in the series finale last night the Island was indeed Gamera the Flying Turtle, as many had suspected.

The truth was revealed in the climactic scene when the Man in Black AKA the Smoke Monster joined forces with Decepticon Ben and morphed into Super Space Giant Robot X14. As SSGRX14 was about to blast Jack Shephard and gang with its rainbow death ray, the Island rose up, shedding its rocks and trees and issuing the familiar elephantine roar of the heroic monster Gamera.

The giant flying turtle carefully placed the losties on its scaly back and engaged in an epic showdown that ended when SSGRX14 was heaved into space. Gamera then lifted off and rocketed our heroes to safety in Tokyo. The last shot faded with MiB/Space Robot on the moon, shaking its fist toward earth and vowing revenge.

It was an emotionally satisfying conclusion to a unique show that has held millions captivated since it debuted six years ago.     

“I knew they had a plan all along,” said Lost’s fan club president Pinky Middleton. “This explains all the mysteries going back to the very first episode.”

“Gamera loves children!” added an enthusiastic Kenji Takarada, 6, of Okinawa, Japan.

When people look back on Lost in the years to come, many will no doubt rank this final episode amongst the best series conclusions of all time.

Who can forget the gripping end of The Love Boat, when the Pacific Princess struck an iceberg, broke in half, and sank, taking Captain Stubing, Gopher, Isaac, Doc, Julie, and Jack Dawson down with it? Or the finale of M*A*S*H, which ended with Hawkeye, BJ, Hot Lips, and Klinger sentenced to a year in prison for failing to come to the aid of a crime victim, a scenario which gave producers an opportunity to trot out viewers’ favorite characters from throughout the series for the courtroom sequences.

Other popular shows have closed with confusing or poorly written episodes that left fans bitter.

Perhaps most notable was the resolution of the mega-hit Friends, which saw the character Ross contracting rabies then murdering Rachel, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey. The bulk of the hour-long episode consisted of gruesome torture scenes and frequent close-ups of an increasingly unhinged David Schwimmer tormenting his frightened captives, replete with foaming mouth and cloudy, white eyeballs. Despite almost universal hatred for the broadcast, Schwimmer won an Emmy for his performance as well as an MTV award for “Best TV Psycho.” The accolades helped him land the part of “Jigsaw” in the Saw horror franchise.

Rumors are swirling about the upcoming final episode of Law and Order, which was recently cancelled by NBC after a 20-year run. A leaked copy of the script posted online ends with an unnamed character waking up, realizing the whole series was a dream, then finding out he’s dead, then finding out it wasn’t a dream, he’s not dead, but he is in hell. Only time will tell if fans think the resolution is an artistic wonder or a craptastic blunder.

So what’s next for Lost producers Cuse and Lindelof? TV insiders say they plan to create a sequel of sorts, featuring a group of space travelers on a trip to Jupiter who inexplicably find themselves lights years away amidst a wilderness of uncharted planets. The show is tentatively titled Lost, in Space.

Posted in Entertainment News | Tagged: , , , | 8 Comments »

Is your favorite TV show on the chopping block? Find out here!

Posted by oldancestor on May 17, 2010

Twelve series at risk of cancellation

By Lacy Thundercake

Kate Gosselin, photographed with NASA’s Inner-Being-Finder telescope

It’s that time of year again. The television season is winding down, and producers, actors, and production staffers must now wait with nail-biting anxiety while the networks decide which shows get renewed and which are cancelled. Worse, many TV watchers suffer the wrenching anguish of finding out they have no reason to live anymore.

The fate of these twelve ratings-challenged shows lies in the hands of TV executives. Pray to all that glitters in Hollywood your fav isn’t on the list:

The Real Crack Whores of Detroit (A&E)

This show’s problems have less to do with ratings and more to do with its stars dying of drug overdoses or getting strangled by serial killers. “At first it was great for the promos,” says a staffer who wouldn’t give her name, “but people stop watching when their favorite characters keep dropping dead.”

Producers may retool the show rather than cancel it, allowing viewers to vote, a la American Idol, for the contestant they think will go next.

American Guy (Fox)

The much-hyped cartoon comedy has consistently been losing 60 percent of its lead in audience from Family Guy and American Dad.

“I don’t get it,” laments the show’s executive producer, Seth MacFarlane, the creative force behind all three cartoons. “I thought viewers wanted a third animated show featuring a suburban family with a dumb, loudmouthed father, a put-upon wife, a misfit older daughter, a nerdy younger son, and a talking pet. I don’t know what happened.”

Project Runway – Airport Edition (Bravo)

On paper, a spin-off of the popular fashion-design reality show seemed like a shoo-in for success. But a weekly program about runway-paving crews somehow lacks drama. It also lacks enough viewers to justify a third season.

CSINCIS (CBS)

Not even the addition of Corey Feldman to the cast was enough to pull this police-forensics-themed show out of the ratings morgue. While the “real time” crime processing angle is unique, viewers aren’t patient enough to wait 8 weeks for DNA results.

Jon and Kate + Inexplicable Media Attention = STFU Already (TCM)

A program that refuses to discuss its titular characters may be too esoteric for casual viewers. The unwieldy name doesn’t help.

Cake Whisperer (National Geographic)

“What the heck is this show even about?” asks TV watcher Pinky Middleton, summarizing what many feel is the program’s main problem. “A guy who can commune with custom bakery cakes?”

Those who do tune in are often left shaken. “I can’t take it when the cakes scream as they’re being cut,” says viewer Deidre Simplemayer. “And that poor man feels their pain as if it was happening to him. Makes me shudder.”

Dancing with the Little Chocolatiers (TLC)

Problem: Their stubby legs are just too short for the dance moves, god bless ‘em.

The World’s Most Borderline-Spoiled Supermarket Produce (Spike)

Like cooking-challenge shows that taunt you with food you can never taste, viewers of TWMBSSP will never be able to squeeze the apples. Producers had been hoping, without luck, to replicate the success of The World’s Most Obvious Stitching Errors on Outlet Store Clothing.

Big People-Little Airplane Seats (TLC)

Ratings peaked in February when filmmaker Kevin Smith was kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight, but network executives have learned that most viewers are only willing to watch overweight people be overtly humiliated, like having to run an impossible obstacle course on national TV while shirtless. But it’s ok, because we’re rooting for them to succeed.

  

Prince Edward Island Shore (MTV Canada)

Canada stole pictures of Europe’s queen for its money and the sport of hockey from Africa, but America isn’t wimpy like those other countries. We don’t watch shows that are stolen from us (can anyone say “The Office” with Ricky Gervais?). Canada, find your own ways to exploit the local white trash.

31 Rock (NBC)

In retrospect, a 30 Rock spin-off without Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey seems doomed to cancellation. Network execs should have learned their lesson with the failed hybrid 30 Rock from the Sun, which featured an alien (John Lithgow) posing as the producer of a skit comedy show.

In Style with Lindsay Lohan (Oxygen)

“Gas-station-men’s-room chic” never caught on with Americans like fashion experts thought it would.

Posted in Entertainment News | Tagged: , | 5 Comments »

Scientists SLAM Gilligan’s Island

Posted by oldancestor on May 14, 2010

SAYS ONE EXPERT: IT’S SO FAKE!

 

By Eric J Baker

This is all that remains of Gilligan's Island today, thanks to rising ocean levels.

NEW YORK – A team of concerned scientists from North America and Europe are at the United Nations this week, hoping to draw the world’s attention to critical scientific inaccuracies depicted in the television show Gilligan’s Island, which aired from 1964-67. An article detailing their 35-year-long study is to be published simultaneously in several academic science journals next month.
“We first became suspicious in 1975, watching reruns, when we noticed some elements of the show just didn’t ring true,” said researcher Brian Oblivion of Cambridge University in England. “Particularly the sequence where Gilligan floats after entering a helium-filled cave. It’s important to understand the distinction between the effects of helium and anti gravity on the human body.”

Oblivion fears for the safety of future astronauts, should NASA or some other space agency rely on the program’s faulty science when sending people to the moon or beyond.

“That show is whack,” he said.

Professor Emmett Brown of Hill Valley University, who led the research project until his shooting death in 1985, once famously quipped, “Stupid is as Gilligan’s Island does.”

Though most people involved in the production of Gilligan’s Island are deceased or in prison, lead technical consultant Buddy Little, 77, said all the criticism has stung him emotionally.

“Not only that,” he adds, “it hurts my feelings.”

Little showed reporters a coconut lie detector, one of many props from the show he keeps in his house.

“Most people don’t know this is a working lie detector,” he explains, putting it on his head. “Go ahead; ask me if it’s a working lie detector.”

Flashing green light or no, Dr. Oblivion from Cambridge is not convinced.

“Now, take a show like Lost,” he says, “There’s a reason that show is critically acclaimed and Gilligan’s Island is derided. Lost is painstaking in its scientific accuracy.”

For readers who are unfamiliar, Lost takes place on an unnamed island that is able to travel through time and space at the turn of a horizontally deposed wheel. The island also cures paralysis and cancer and is inhabited by supernatural beings, people who never age, and a malevolent smoke demon that can shape-shift into human form. Characters deploy hydrogen bombs without injury and, in the process, create alternate universes.

The show was originally called Jacob’s Island, but producers changed it to Lost in an effort to distance the production from its gilliganous predecessor.

To date, few people have been willing to speak out about TV’s other popular island-themed program, Survivor, though former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin has been quoted as saying the producers rely on “junk science” to tell the Lord-of-the-Flies inspired tale. 

Viewers may need to prepare themselves for yet another show featuring people on an island. An unnamed reporter is said to be pitching a one-off reality special to several networks in which Palin, Jon and Kate Gosselin, the cast of Jersey Shore, and Heidi Montag are killed and eaten by crocodiles in the first five minutes.

Posted in Science | Tagged: , , , , | 6 Comments »