THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘true crime’

Michele Bachmann confesses to string of serial murders in 8 states

Posted by oldancestor on June 28, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

 

Michele Bachmann

WASHINGTON DC – Minnesota congresswoman and GOP presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann admitted to reporters today that she is the indeed the notorious serial killer “Tea Bag Tom,” who has been terrorizing residents of eight northern states for over two years. Earlier in the week, Bachmann confirmed she was recently possessed by the spirit of executed murderer John Wayne Gacy, which could be the motive behind the killing spree.

“I envision an America where personal responsibility means something,” Bachmann said just after her confession. “That’s why I’m calling on President Obama to step up and take personal responsibility for my murders.”

Since March of 2009, 20 bodies have been found across a region stretching from Montana to Illinois. Though no obvious signs of trauma were evident on the victims’ corpses, police say their faces were all frozen in a look of terror that could only be caused by hearing the phrase, “President Michele Bachmann.” Reporters began calling the then-unidentified killer “Tea Bag Tom” when all the letters on their keyboards besides a, b, e, g, m, o, and t stopped working.

“We also tried ‘A Gate Tomb’ and ‘Eat Mat Bog,’ but they just didn’t have that ‘serial killer’ ring to them,” says Pinky Middleton, an investigative reporter for the Fargo Atlantic Press in North Dakota. “Plus, the killer signed the bodies with ‘Tom was here’ and stuffed tea bags in the victims mouths, which made the decision a bit easier.”

Political pundits are divided on how the murder confession will affect Bachmann’s presidential ambitions. Sean Hannity of Fox News told his viewers today, “Who cares? The victims were all prostitutes and liberals, which is the same thing anyway. She was doing the world a favor.”

Indeed, Bachmann says, “I support freedom for all Americans who are Christian conservative white people. My so-called ‘victims’ were freedom thieves, darn it.”

Not everyone agrees that Bachmann will emerge with her election hopes intact. Keith Olbermann of Current TV, whose name also ends in ‘mann’ but starts with ‘Olber,’ told his viewer today, “I’d say she’ll burn in hell for this, but we liberals are all secretly atheists anyway, and we don’t believe in that shiznit.”

Controversial commentator Glenn Beck weighed in on the issue this evening by telling his radio listeners that Michele Bachmann is a great American. He also said President Obama is putting nano-bots into the nation’s water supply that will take over our minds and make us beat up old ladies while voting for bigger government. He also cried and advised his listeners to buy Glenn Beck brand filtered water, which is “99.9 percent nano-bot free.”  

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Hi there, Anvil readers. Words below the asterisk can only mean one thing: I’m hyping my new Pure Film Creative post entitled “The underage-sex reverse Richter scale.” In it I talk movies, art, and perversion. Artful nudity warning, but, unless you are super uptight, I doubt you’ll be offended. Click here for the story.

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Posted in Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments »

One-armed man singlehandedly de-feets shoe burglar

Posted by oldancestor on June 21, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

 

Wanted: sole mate

BOISE, ID – Bloodshed, mayhem, and violence were chosen in our newsroom today as the three words we most wished we could use at the beginning of this story.

In other news, Boise’s notorious shoe burglar has been apprehended following a six-month manhunt involving a 600-person task force that included Idaho state police, the FBI, the CIA, Nancy Drew, and mall security. But despite the efforts of authorities and the hundreds of millions of dollars spent on the investigation, it took the sharp eye and quick thinking of a local one-armed shoe-lace-tying instructor to bring the criminal to justice.

Ravi Patel, who was teaching double knots to staff members at Foot Locker in the Boise Commons shopping mall, said he was in the middle of his presentation when he noticed something suspicious.

“This guy in a hooded sweatshirt was poking around the display,” says Patel, “and I noticed he had two left legs with what I guesstimated were size 11 feet at the bottom. I knew the shoe burglar only stole size 11 left shoes. I just put two and two together.”

 

Ravi Patel

After the burglar swiped an orange Reebok Zigtech and fled, Patel sprang into action. Witnesses say the brave instructor chased down the thug, tackled him, and, in an act of violence unsuitable for a PG-13 news journal like The Anvil, chopped off the baddie’s right left foot with a Mongolian battleaxe keychain.

“I hope he understands that stealing shoes is wrong and decides to mend his ways,” said Patel of the still-unidentified  burglar, who bled to death at the scene.

So does he feel like a hero for singlehandedly bringing down the state’s most wanted criminal?

“Meh,” said the instructor, who lost his left arm in a TV-watching accident ten years ago, “I do everything singlehandedly.”

Patel was later charged with murder and with possession of an illegal Mongolian battleaxe keychain.

 

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 Hi there, friends! My new PFC story, A Haunting in New Jersey, features a real life ghost, a glimpse into my rock and roll past, and lots of pretty people (clothed). Read it here!

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Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 28 Comments »

Pacifist serial killers struggle to find identity

Posted by oldancestor on March 8, 2011

An Anvil special report

By Eric J Baker

Lesser fake news journals make "cereal" killer jokes

John Wayne Gacy.  Jeffrey Dahmer. Dick Cheney.

The mere mention of their names sends chills down the spines of most Americans. Those of us old enough to have lived through the discovery of these madmens heinous crimes will never forgot the horrors: Dozens of bodies shoved in the crawlspace under a house. Dismembered victims hauled out of an apartment in barrels. No-bid contracts in Iraq.

We are left to wonder what new face will one day join the gallery of psychopaths? What crazed lunatic is still out there, eluding the authorities, ready to strike again?

But are those the questions we should be asking? Despite investigative reporters continuing to rely on clichéd phrases for awkward segues, times change. The Anvil took to the streets to discover what life is like for the postmodern serial killer, and our findings might surprise you.

Im conflicted, says Ned, a serial killer from Dallas, Texas. I hate violence. You might call me a conscientious objector, I suppose. But, at the same time, Im a psychotic murderer. Its tough.

Ned, a 35-year-old white male loner who drives a pick-up truck and works on an assembly line, says that hes met other men at serial-killer bars who consider themselves part of a new, pacifist generation of serial murderers.

To investigate his assertion, we went to a popular dive for deranged lunatics in downtown Cincinnati, Ohio called Splatter Petes, where we met Steve, a 35-year-old white male loner who drives a pick-up truck and works on an assembly line.

Steve told us, I am totally a pacifist. Just because I have 20 bodies buried in my back yard doesnt mean Im not a gentle creature. Did you know I volunteer at a soup kitchen and build houses for Habitat for Humanity? I love people.

Steve laments that he cant find a way to reconcile his non-violent nature with his murdering.

Im what you fancy writers call a paradox. And I wish there was something I could do about it.

There may be hope for men like Steve. A company in Moscow, Russia called Krazee Alexis has started producing a line of products targeted at the pacifist serial killer market, including their flagship item, a life-sized prostitute doll that fits perfectly in the passenger seat of a pick-up truck and can be strangled over a hundred times on one nine-volt battery.  To satisfy the pacifist, every time she is killed, Krazee Alexis releases a cage full of doves and broadcasts an Art Garfunkel song on satellite radio.

With a list price of $3,999, plus international shipping, Anna Karenina  isnt cheap, but we were able to track down at least one satisfied customer.

Joe, a 35-year-old white male loner who drives a pick-up truck and works on an assembly line, bought one last summer and hasnt murdered since.

Those guys over at Krazee Alexis are great, he says. Theyre coming out with a model next year that shoots rose petals when you stab it. If thats not peace and love, I dont know what is.

Not all serial killers are buying into the pacifist movement, though.

I think its plain, old stupid, says Susan Blais, an evil landlady and serial murderer who owns an apartment building  in Hollywood, California. I got bodies stacked up to the ceiling in the basement of this rats nest, and Id have more, but the ceiling doesnt go any higher.

After taking a drag of her Cuban cigar and spitting, she adds, Im gonna need a bigger building.

Dont miss part 2 of our special report tomorrow, when her tenant, who would only identify himself as James, complains of the smell.

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , | 34 Comments »