THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘Star Wars’

2011: The Year in Pictures

Posted by oldancestor on June 3, 2011

Gamera the Flying Turtle monster makes triumphant return to Washington DC

These exclusive images, taken by our award-winning team of photojournalists, represent the finest in Pulitzer-prize-nominated… er, images. Because we go by the Mercurian year, which is only 88 days, we are able to bring you the year’s best pictures many months before anyone else can. Suck it, Time/Life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Splitsville! Bielzilla is no more.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Jedi weapons are no match for Darth Megalon

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Splitsville! MechaHugh in no more.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Another barrier comes crashing down: The first Smog Monster weatherman

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Megan's touch makes Godzilla overheat. We'd have just peed our pants.

Posted in Arts | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments »

Most Shocking News Stories of 2011!

Posted by oldancestor on January 1, 2011

In the year 0000, novelty glasses offered a less obstructed view

 

Baby New Year hasn’t even started on creamed carrots yet, and 2011 is already shaping up to be the most electrifying news year since 423 AD, when we forgot how to make concrete. Don’t believe it?  Then try sticking your finger in this light socket of truth:

Discovery Channel to air Tito Jackson colonoscopy

 

Cable station The Discovery Channel has cancelled the showing of a documentary about late pop singer Michael Jackson’s autopsy following complaints the show was gruesome and tasteless. In its place, station programmers have decided to air a medical special entitled “Tito Jackson: A colonoscopy.” Viewer discretion is advised.

“We promised our viewers a Jackson and a medical procedure, and that’s what they’re getting,” said Discovery Channel president Shana Plantain.

Another option programmers had considered was to exhume the remains of Andrew Jackson, America’s seventh President, on camera. However, it was later determined that an exhumation is not a medical procedure but, rather, a court order.

Sex abuse scandal rocks Jedi

 

Already plagued by bad press and plunging approval ratings, the Jedi find themselves embroiled in scandal following yesterday’s shocking allegations that certain Jedi masters routinely ‘force’ themselves on young trainees.

The quasi-religious police organization, known for renouncing physical intimacy and marriage, has often been the subject of speculation regarding just what goes on between master and pupil behind closed temple doors. But that mystery was blown wide open yesterday when ABC (Alderaan Broadcasting Company) aired a 60 Parsecs episode about a young Jedi apprentice, identified only as “Ben K,” who claims he has been living as his master’s de facto wife for the past three years.

“It all started,” says Ben, “when my master asked me, ‘You wanna polish my light saber?’”

News of the alleged abuse brought swift condemnation on the floor of the galactic senate. Said Naboo’s three-term Senator, Palpatine, “What’s wrong with these people? They take children away from their families, hand them deadly weapons, and make them wear weird robes. No wonder so many of them turn to evil.”

Congressman Pinky Middleton (D-Yavin) echoed Palpatine’s sentiments, telling reporters, “This is what happens when you privatize law enforcement. You get a bunch of egomaniacs who think they are above the law. Jedi leadership needs to oust the perpetrators if they want to save what’s left of their reputation.”

In a statement to the press this morning, Jedi grand master Yoda only said, “My own counsel will I keep on who is guilty!”

Giant glowing ball slips down pole in New York; Crowd below uninjured

 

Tourists in New York City’s Times Square neighborhood narrowly escaped death when a giant illuminated ball slid down a pole moments before midnight on Friday. A loud cheer went up from the crowd when people began to realize how lucky they were. Confetti canons, originally intended for use in a New Years celebration, were fired to show appreciation for the apparent act of divine intervention.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg praised the city’s construction workers who had earlier installed a safety stopper that prevented the five-ton ball from shattering and raining glass on unsuspecting revelers, but New York’s congressional rep Anthony Weiner said, “The thing never would have slipped in the first place if not for all these irresponsible budget cuts.”

Birther movement enters 222nd year of demanding George Washington’s birth certificate

 

A small, but vocal, group of Americans has vowed to continue its fight into an unprecedented 22nd  decade demanding proof that President George Washington was born in the United States and not some place they call, “the colonies.”

Mainstream history books claim that the nation’s first President was born in Virginia, but members of the activist organization We Are Citizens Koncerned (WACKo) are not convinced.

“Mr. Washington was born in 1732,” says WACKo chairman Larry Crank, great great great great great grandson of the group’s founder, Jeremiah Crank. “We’ve studied the literature of the day, and nowhere does the phrase ‘United States of America’ appear. Hence, he was not born in the United States.”

The US Constitution says that a President must be a natural born citizen and cannot have wooden teeth, though the second requirement is often overlooked in Washington’s case.

“That’s a different battle for a different day,” explains Crank, whose goal is to erase Washington from history. “But, now that you mention it, isn’t a little odd that President Obama refuses to provide evidence that his teeth aren’t made of wood?”

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , | 16 Comments »

RNC Chairman Michael Steele says Clone Wars “were a war of Yoda’s choosing”

Posted by oldancestor on July 5, 2010

Unlike previous Michael Steele scandals, no strippers are involved

 

By Eric J Baker

Would the Republican National Committee fire Michael Steele and replace him with Frankenstein’s monster? Of course not. That’s a stupid question.

 WASHINGTON DC – Embattled RNC Chairman Michael Steele stirred controversy at a GOP fundraiser yesterday by claiming that Jedi Master Yoda was responsible for the “unnecessary” Clone Wars, which could have been avoided, he says, had different decisions been made.

“They were a war of Yoda’s choosing,” Steele told attendees.

His comments echo remarks he made just days ago about President Obama and the war in Afghanistan. However, while those words were roundly criticized by Republicans and Democrats alike, Steele’s view on the Clone Wars has won him support from unlikely sources.

“Yoda bashing is tantamount to blasphemy in this country, but Steele is correct this one time,” said ultra-liberal congressman Dennis Kucinich (D-OH). “Mr. Yoda may not have been involved in the creation of the clone army, but that didn’t stop him from using them for cannon fodder.”

The issue has quickly proved to be a divisive one for Republicans. Some conservative politicians are distancing themselves from Steele, but Senator John McCain, who only this weekend was calling for Steele’s ouster, threw his support behind the party chairman.

“My friends, I have no problems with a guy who starts necessary and easily justified wars, even if they end up lasting a hundred years” Senator McCain said on NBC’s Meet the Press yesterday, “but that one [gesturing toward a portrait of Master Yoda] basically took an army and handed it to his enemy, who used it to defeat him. It’s possibly the worst military blunder since Hitler invaded Russia.”

When reminded by host David Gregory that the Clone Wars took place thousands of years before World War II, in another galaxy, McCain said, “F*ck you!”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) broke with his colleague’s view. Appearing on Fox News’ The Sean Hannity Show last night, the Senator said, “The clone army had nothing to do with the failure of Yoda. It was having a left-wing radical like Yoda heading the Jedi Council in the first place that did it. Every citizen in that galaxy had the right to bear blasters until he came along.”

McConnell drew comparisons between Bespin and Tatooine, the latter of which never fell under imperial control. “Bespin had strict blaster-control laws and it took the Empire all of five minutes to seize power there. You think they’d try that on Tatooine? You want to take over that planet, you’d better bring a Death Star.”

Controversial Republican Senate candidate Rand Paul, who hopes to ride a wave of voter discontent into the November midterm elections, told supporters at a rally last night, “Real Americans don’t care about the political mumbo jumbo behind the Clone Wars. We know the simple truth: Those with a different skin color should never be allowed to lead others.”

He later added, “I meant because Yoda’s skin is green. Earthier tones are all right. Theoretically.”

President Obama, leaving the White House by helicopter this morning, dodged reporters’ requests for a response to Paul’s comments. Before boarding the aircraft, however, he raised an eyebrow and offered a noncommittal, “Fascinating.”

In what may be a first for Washington DC politics, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi will be joined later today by every elected woman in both houses of Congress for a bipartisan press conference on the steps of the Capitol Building. Rather than deliver a demand for Steele’s resignation, the diverse group of Republican and Democratic women is expected to issue a joint question asking, “What the hell are you guys talking about?”

Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Study shows tinfoil hats DO protect against government conspiracies

Posted by oldancestor on May 4, 2010

REYNOLD’S WRAP SALES SKYROCKET

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Former Vice President Dick Cheney behind bars

PRINCETON – It turns out that hats constructed of tinfoil do indeed help wearers avoid being fooled by government conspiracies, according to a Princeton University study published in the American Journal of Science this week. There had long been anecdotal evidence to suggest as much, but this is the first hard scientific data that appears to confirm the belief.

In the study, researchers had volunteers do some stuff while grad students wrote it down and compared things. The results were startling.  

“We tried many variations, and we found the most effective barrier against secret mind-control waves is two layers of tinfoil with a thin, even spread of mayonnaise between,” said Dr. Herbert West, the lead researcher. “Any thicker and the wearer’s own psychic energy cannot evaporate properly, sometimes leading to schizophrenic-like behavior.”

Reaction on fake college campuses was mixed.

“How do we know it’s not a trick?” said Pinky Middleton, a University of Phoenix Online junior majoring in abnormal psychology. “How can WE trust THEM when THEY’RE the ones controlling the message? I wouldn’t be surprised if the tinfoil actually acts as a conductor, turning the wearer into a soulless automaton ready to do the bloodthirsty bidding of malevolent government overlords.”

Middleton declined to be interviewed further when voices told him we were eleven demons named William Howard Taft. However, he was willing to write a note stating the rest of his answer will appear in his manifesto. The 21-year-old then began wrapping himself in Glad Press ‘n Seal.

In contrast, London-based author and anthropologist Mr. Gruber was encouraged by the study’s findings.

“This will make an excellent addition to my book, The World and its Wonders,” he said.

But will the recent discovery resonate beyond the stately lecture halls and grassy fields of academe? Some think it already has.

Two Washington lawmakers, Barney Palpatine (R-AZ) and Todd Maul (D-CA) have formed a bipartisan group called Senators in Tinfoil Hats (SiTH) and say they plan to create a clone army restore order to the US Senate. 

“@&^$*# tinfoil!” said former Vice President Dick Cheney, who’s currently serving a 35-year sentence at Maryland State Penitentiary for masterminding the September 11th, 2001 bombing of the Pentagon.

“We were this close to getting away with it, but that twerp Middleton with his tinfoil hat had to rat us out.”

Americans may recall that then Vice-President Cheney detonated a bomb at the Pentagon but accused foreign terrorists of crashing a plane into the building. Despite no photographic evidence, most were fooled until a small number of tinfoil-hat proponents came forward to challenge the official explanation. President George W. Bush endured a very public humiliation at the time, as he had previously claimed the accusations against Cheney were part of a “vast left-wing conspiracy.”

“Tinfoil has a great many applications beyond preventing brainwashing,” affirms Dr. West at Princeton, who also serves on the board of directors for Reynolds Wrap Inc, though he promises it’s not a conflict of interest. “For example, if you cover your head in about ten layers of the stuff during a solar eclipse, you won’t suffer ocular damage. Don’t forget the air hole, though.”   

Researchers plan a follow-up study to determine if tinfoil hats cause wearers to misspell words on protest signs.

Posted in Health and Living | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »