THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘solar system’

Major announcement stuns news industry!

Posted by oldancestor on May 16, 2011

 

In space, no one reads your cover letter

By Old Ancestor

 

The Anvil is running for president! 

We’d love to be making that announcement, but now that Trump and Huckabee have dropped out, the thrill is gone. Therefore, we have decided to announce something even bigger. Something that will forever change the way you view the news media in the information age:

 

The Anvil is changing its content.

 

For several months now, we have been boasting about our 300 million daily readers. This number was based on a careful assessment of clicks, comments, and total fabrication. Our accountant/bookie, Rocko, who is a wiz with numbers, was released from prison this week and, like a diligent employee, reviewed our stats. He said we are actually getting about 90 page views per day.

 

That is not enough.

 

Starting this week, The Anvil will begin expanding its offerings. Don’t worry, loyal readers, we will continue to bring you the latest breaking fake news, but we will also have a less restrictive format that permits other types of satire and as well as essays and observations. Hopefully a guest post or two.

 

Effective immediately, the ever-popular Lacy Thundercake is promoted to head writer. Lennie becomes contributing writer, and Eric J Baker is promoted to real person. Baker will be replaced on the news team by new contributing writer Robotman, who also created the universe and everything in it as a science experiment 13 billion years ago. See our staff page for more details.

 

Rest assured, The Anvil team will redouble its effort to entertain you. By our calculations, that means we will work four times harder.

 

EDITOR’S NOTE: This version updates an earlier edition that stated the planets in our solar system are lined up this month in anticipation of today’s announcement. NASA scientists now believe the planets are lining up for job applications with McDonald’s, which has begun backfilling positions lost during the recent recession.

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