THE ANVIL

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Posts Tagged ‘shocking news stories’

Even more SHOCKING news stories of 2011!

Posted by oldancestor on April 7, 2011

Warning: Only read this article if you are wearing rubber gloves and are not standing in water

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Government Shot Down!   

By Eric J Baker

WASHINGTON DC – The Obama Administration’s experiment with aerial government appears to have ended in dismal failure as the Capitol Building – recently outfitted with wings and jet engines – was shot down today by members of Muammar Gaddafi’s Super-Sexy All-Female Commando Strike Team. No one was killed in the attack, though House Speaker John Boehner’s hair was mussed.

News of the surface-to-air missile strike resulted in spontaneous partying all across the United States, while political activists immediately set about to replace the injured politicians with candidates who are at least as bad, if not worse.

In an embarrassing side note, some media outlets mistakenly read the initial news report as a “government shutdown,” leading several reporters to write long, boring articles about budgets and spending that no one wants to read.

Those reporters are said to have been sacked.

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Pope Bitten by Werewolf on the Set of New Twilight Film

by Lacy Thundercake

Pope Benedict escaped from his hospital room just after this story was written

VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict was injured on the set of the upcoming film Twilight: Sunspot, currently in production, when he got too close to one of the werewolves featured in the story. The movie is being filmed on location in Rome, and the pontiff was on hand as an extra.

“People need to understand that werewolves are not dogs,” says animal trainer Pinky Middleton, not associated with the production. “They’re wild animals and should be treated as such.”

In the film, actor Taylor Lautner’s character, Jacob Black, finally ascends to the papacy while his rival, Edward Cullen (Robert Pattison), is forced to turn tricks on the street so he can raise money to buy a huge engagement ring for that bitch, Bella (Kristen Stewart).

The werewolf that bit Pope Benedict was Lautner’s stunt beast. Attempts to put the animal down were unsuccessful when animal control officers could not locate a silver bullet.

From his hospital bed at Our Lady of the Grilled Cheese Miracle in Vatican City, the Pope told reporters he doesn’t blame the wolf and that he hopes “footage of the attack goes viral on YouTube.”

Pope Benedict is said to be a fan of the Twilight books and films, though he cites 1981’s The Howling as his favorite werewolf movie of all time.

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Billy Joel Stabbed by Crazed Fan

by Lacy Thundercake

NEW YORK – Pop singer and songwriter Billy Joel was attacked yesterday by a knife-wielding woman police identify as Brenda Rinetti, 59, of Hoboken, NJ. Joel was stabbed in the left foot and later taken to a local hospital, where he was listed in stable condition.

Ms. Rinetti’s lawyer told reporters today that she is not a crazed fan but, rather, a victim who was defending her honor.

“Mr. Joel, in his lyrics for the song ‘Scenes from an Italian Restaurant,’ deliberately identified my client by name, which we view as libel,” said her lawyer. “She has put up with this since the 1970s, but no more. We intend to seek damages.”

When informed that Joel was, in fact, singing, “Brenda and Eddie,” but slurring the words together, Ms. Rinetti’s lawyer said, “Really?”

From his hospital bed next to the Pope, Joel told reporters he was relieved the injury was to his left foot. “My right foot is my piano playing foot,” he said.

Aside from writing a few minor hit songs, Joel is probably best known for raising awareness of the Billy Joel-Christie Brinkley Syndrome, a debilitating disease that causes tall, beautiful models to become romantically involved with short, unattractive musicians. Despite the millions of dollars spent every year on medical research, no cure exists, thankfully.

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(Today’s image by Sandra Tarsitano) 

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments »

Experts predict unprecedented weather catastrophe in next century

Posted by oldancestor on March 26, 2011

Also: Duke upset… What does it mean? See below.

 

By Eric J Baker

For hack artists, lightning bolts are the easiest weather phenomenon to draw

SILVER SPRING, MD – Meteorologists at the National Weather Service made a startling prediction today that, if true, will have far-reaching effects on global economic development, transportation, and modern lifestyle. Their claim?

By 2115, the world may run out of weather.

Speaking to reporters at National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) headquarters in Silver Spring, agency director Wendy Day said, “The rate at which modern humans are using weather cannot be sustained. Rain Tuesday and Wednesday, sun on Thursday, windy and cold on Friday… it’s irresponsible to say the least.”

Day also pointed out that, if people need an idea of what life would be like without weather, we need look no further than to our nearest neighbor in the sky, the moon, which is devoid of weather.

“Why do you think no one goes there anymore?” she said. “It sucks.”

Conservatives around the country rejoiced at the news.

“So I guess without weather, there’s no global warming,” Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann said in an interview that aired on Cartoon Network earlier tonight. “American colonists fought the British in Vietnam so we could be free of environmental regulations. Finally, 2000 years later, the victory is complete.”

Former Vice President Al Gore, who has devoted his energy to combating the alleged dangers of global warming in recent years, quickly called his own news conference following the NOAA prediction.

Speaking from his office in Nashville, Gore told reporters, “Global warming uses up weather faster than no global warming. You get extra weather now, no weather later. Not to be alarmist, but within 150 years, humans will be living as our cousins, the worms, do, crawling through the mud, blind and armless and legless, wallowing in our weatherless world of,” at which point everyone present drifted into a peaceful, uninterrupted sleep.

When we awoke, he was gone.

Though some scientists dispute the NOAA findings, Zeus, the king of the gods, believes the prediction has merit.

“I’ve been tossing lightning bolts at the Earth for eons,” he told The Anvil via telephone. “Every time I reached into the pile, there were always more. Until the other day, when I looked and thought, hmmm, there’s maybe only a hundred years’ worth left.”

He added, “Which is just as well, since I’m going to need rotator cuff surgery at some point from all this bolt throwing.”

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Duke upset… what does it mean?

By Eric J Baker

DURHAM, UK – Sir Percival Pantywaist, the current Duke of Fluffington in Durham County, England, was upset yesterday when he spilled grape juice on his yellow velvet breeches, staining them.

Eyewitnesses said the Duke flitted his hands like a bird and stomped on the floor while shouting, “Oh crikey! It’s beastly I tell you. Just beastly!”

The velvet clothes worn by royal subjects in England are considered expensive and hard to replace when damaged, as they are often custom made.

Sir Edmund Bollocks, an expert on public figures in Great Britain, says Sir Percival is, “a complete pillow biter, don’t you think?”

So what does the Duke’s frustration mean for the future?

“It means I’ll be feeding that wanker grape juice with an eye dropper for the next six months,” said his only housekeeper, who declined to give her name for fear of being sacked.

Posted in Science | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments »