THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘Sex’

Godzilla’s career on the rocks after sex scandal

Posted by oldancestor on May 30, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

 

Godzilla at the White House last year (file photo)

TOKYO – Godzilla, considered by many to be the world’s biggest movie star, may find his career in shambles following revelations he fathered a child by another woman while married to Mrs. Godzilla.

The mystery woman, who has not given her name, came forward last week to declare that her five-year-old son was the offspring of the cinematic giant. She said she was suspicious from the beginning when the child hatched from an egg and resembled a dinosaur.

“I wanted to believe it was my husband’s, but inside I knew the truth,” she said in an exclusive interview today with The Anvil. “Still, I wouldn’t trade that one night of passion for anything.”

The woman’s husband was quoted by witnesses as bragging, “My wife did Godzilla!”

 

The Mystery Woman

When the allegations first surfaced, fans and entertainment reporters alike expected a quick denial from the saurian star. When none was forthcoming, suspicions were aroused. Then came the bombshell: Mrs. Godzilla’s public announcement that she was separating from her husband after 25 years of marriage.

“ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRR,” she said, maintaining her composure in the face of reporters’ probing, sometimes intensely personal questions.

Godzilla quickly admitted to the affair and said he would take full responsibility for the child’s educational and financial needs.

Though he was praised for being forthright about the scandal, Godzilla’s star status is taking a hit, as is his bank account. The actor was fired today from the upcoming Arnold Schwarzenegger biopic, How Green was My Governor, in which Godzilla was set to star as the popular Austrian bodybuilder-turned-politician. Now, the dream of winning the academy award that has long eluded him may go unfulfilled at least a while longer.

Rival monster Gamera, The Flying Turtle is in talks to replace Godzilla on the film. Gamera won an Emmy last year for playing the island in the series finale of the TV show Lost.

 

Gamera, rising star

Godzilla and Mrs. Godzilla had no children during their two and a half decades of marriage, though Godzilla has a son, Minya, from a previous relationship.

Godzilla was briefly married to Elizabeth Taylor in the early 1960s.

He rose to fame in Japan in the 1950s when he starred in legendary director Akira Kurosawa’s The 700-ft Samurai. His first American film was Giant, in which he played the titular character opposite the late James Dean. His biggest hit was the film Immense (1999), the sequel to 1997’s Titanic.

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Life takes strange turns, doesn’t it? For example, until a week ago, I never thought I’d be reviewing a fashion exhibit for an entertainment blog, yet if you go check out my new story for Pure Film Creative, that’s exactly what happened.

Here’s a sample of it from the Alexander McQueen show currently in New York. Click the link above to read my take on it.

 

Does this make my butt look big?

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Easter Bunny’s secret life revealed: sex, drugs, fleas

Posted by oldancestor on April 21, 2011

A rare photo of Easter Bunny's alleged life partner, Heat Miser, at their home in Wonderland

By Lennie

Warning: This story contains three really long sentences, right in the beginning, that may be offensive to readers who prefer short, choppy constructions.

 

NEW YORK – With Easter Bunny back in court this week on charges of violating his probation, details of his personal life are being revealed that threaten to derail his career as a psychedelic holiday icon and disappoint millions of people who associate their religion’s holiest day with baby marshmallow chickens covered in yellow sugar.

Unlike Santa Clause, who flaunts his North Pole digs like a reality-show faux celebrity desperately clinging to those last few seconds of fame and who is not above participating in the most crass acts of commercialism, the notoriously private Easter Bunny has kept his home life a secret.

Until now.

Court documents obtained by The Anvil show that he lives in Wonderland, a small, lawless, and surreal Central American nation bordering Costa Rica, whose inhabitants ingest hallucinogenic drugs, dress as playing cards, and, even more alarmingly, flout food-safety regulations pertaining to the handling and transport of eggs across state lines.

Other shocking allegations that emerged during today’s testimony include Easter Bunny fathering hundreds of baby bunnies by several bunny women and using his progeny as slave labor to weave baskets and dye eggs.

In his opening statement, lead prosecutor Victor Chinchilla said, “The evidence will show that Easter Bunny wantonly breeds like a jackrabbit for the purpose of staffing his sweatshop organization with unpaid offspring.”

Defense attorney Peter Cottontail countered by claiming that Easter Bunny is in a committed and monogamous interspecies relationship with Heat Miser, though that revelation has stirred its own controversy.

“A bunny cohabitating with a Heat Miser is sick and unnatural,” says militant Florida preacher and pyromaniac Josephus A. Crunky, “especially a bunny that represents a religious holiday celebrating the resurrection of Christ.”

Reverend Crunky says he plans to burn a stack of bibles in protest this weekend. “What kind of twisted religion would let a pervert give out colored eggs on its behalf?” he asks.

Bunny’s most recent arrest, this time for sniffing the fumes of purple Easter egg dye, comes on the heels of accusations he was responsible for the Great American Flea Epidemic of May, 2009, during which over two million people got itchy and many more were annoyed hearing about it.

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) issued a warning this week advising Americans to avoid celebrating Easter and, as an added precaution, to set rabbit traps near any point of entry to their houses or apartments.

In a statement released to the press, CDC officials said, “Under no circumstances should anyone attempt to communicate with the Easter Bunny, even if he’s screaming in pain because his leg is half torn off by a trap. If you see him, call your local animal control division of the FBI.”

The CDC’s comments appeared to rile residents of Easter Island, who took to the streets in protest, burning American flags and waving stuffed bunnies. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is set to arrive there later this week to meet with that nation’s president, Stone Flintrock, in the hopes of diffusing already tense relations between the United States and the former Pangaean republic.

World War III appeared to be the last thing on the mind of a defiant Easter Bunny as he left court today, telling reporters he was on his way to, “spend more money on cocaine and prostitutes in one night than you all make in a year.”

His lawyer added that Easter Bunny loves children and can’t wait to make Easter Sunday their most special day.

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Important note to Anvil readers: It has come to our attention that noted anarchist and goat molester Hanson Anderson, who runs the subversive and wholly illegal fake news enterprise, Weird Dude Incorporated, has been making libelous statements about The Anvil, its editor, and writing staff. These heinous and cruel comments, only partly true, are a clear attempt to discredit this fine and respected news organization and its 300 million daily readers.

We strongly advise our readers not to click here and read these disgusting statements for yourselves. The last thing we want is for you to be upset by clicking here to read this trash. By clicking here, you’re only encouraging Hanson Anderson, seditionist and eater of lead paint, to continue spreading his libelous manure.

The Anvil will take the high road, as we believe it would be undignified and unbecoming of a world-class news organization to point out that Hanson Anderson is a registered ferret offender who dances in public fountains while wearing a size 48 disposable diaper, held up by a giant pink safety pin, and reads Tiger Beat magazine.

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Today’s image by the lovely and talented Sandra Tarsitano

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