Most Popular Halloween Costumes for Kids

By Lacy Thundercake

Retail sales figures continue to be flattened by tepid economic growth and ongoing unemployment, but one business segment is seeing a (predictable) surge this October: The Halloween costume industry. With kids across the nation ready to take to the streets on Sunday and do their part to worsen childhood obesity, we asked Ben Tramer, president of costume retailer Insane Profit Margin, to let our readers know what all those greedy ingrates adorable little monsters will be wearing.

According to Tramer, these are the top sellers of 2010:

 

Yahoo commenter

The terrifying visage of knee-jerk ignorance, modeled after the hate-filled, intolerant ranter who leaves stupid comments following news articles. The Yahoo Commenter knows everything… except facts.

$19.95 (mask only)

 

 

Lindsay Lohan

“A cautionary tale,” in Tramer’s words, that is carefully treated to look much older than it really is. Replete with plastic puke and mysterious white powder.

$39.95 (mask and teenage runaway/prostitute outfit)

 

 

Rubber stamp

For the kid who plans to hit lots of houses in a very short time. “We call it the Rubber Stamp,” says Tramer, “but I prefer to think of it as ‘The Banality of Evil.’”

$24.95 (hat, jumpsuit)

 

 

John Boehner

“A house minority leader is always popular with kids,” explains Tramer. “They’re fascinated by branches of government.” No word on whether manufacturers are ramping up production on a Nancy Pelosi mask for next year.

$14.95 (mask)

 

 

Protestor at Rand Paul Event

Tramer tells us that ‘Security Thug at Joe Miller Event’ was a top seller until yesterday, when this design suddenly took off. “I support people’s First Amendment right to wear whatever Halloween costume they want,” he says.

$29.95 (mask)

 

 

Corporate CEO

“This one bumped ‘The Pimp’ out of our top six for he first time since 1966,” says Tramer. Despite the difficulty of trick-or-treating with puppet strings hanging from one’s fingers, kids are snapping up the costume. “Some things are better than candy,” he explains. “Like unlimited greed and hubris.”

$24.95 (suit jacket, puppets)

RNC Chairman Michael Steele says Clone Wars “were a war of Yoda’s choosing”

Unlike previous Michael Steele scandals, no strippers are involved

 

By Eric J Baker

Would the Republican National Committee fire Michael Steele and replace him with Frankenstein’s monster? Of course not. That’s a stupid question.

 WASHINGTON DC – Embattled RNC Chairman Michael Steele stirred controversy at a GOP fundraiser yesterday by claiming that Jedi Master Yoda was responsible for the “unnecessary” Clone Wars, which could have been avoided, he says, had different decisions been made.

“They were a war of Yoda’s choosing,” Steele told attendees.

His comments echo remarks he made just days ago about President Obama and the war in Afghanistan. However, while those words were roundly criticized by Republicans and Democrats alike, Steele’s view on the Clone Wars has won him support from unlikely sources.

“Yoda bashing is tantamount to blasphemy in this country, but Steele is correct this one time,” said ultra-liberal congressman Dennis Kucinich (D-OH). “Mr. Yoda may not have been involved in the creation of the clone army, but that didn’t stop him from using them for cannon fodder.”

The issue has quickly proved to be a divisive one for Republicans. Some conservative politicians are distancing themselves from Steele, but Senator John McCain, who only this weekend was calling for Steele’s ouster, threw his support behind the party chairman.

“My friends, I have no problems with a guy who starts necessary and easily justified wars, even if they end up lasting a hundred years” Senator McCain said on NBC’s Meet the Press yesterday, “but that one [gesturing toward a portrait of Master Yoda] basically took an army and handed it to his enemy, who used it to defeat him. It’s possibly the worst military blunder since Hitler invaded Russia.”

When reminded by host David Gregory that the Clone Wars took place thousands of years before World War II, in another galaxy, McCain said, “F*ck you!”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) broke with his colleague’s view. Appearing on Fox News’ The Sean Hannity Show last night, the Senator said, “The clone army had nothing to do with the failure of Yoda. It was having a left-wing radical like Yoda heading the Jedi Council in the first place that did it. Every citizen in that galaxy had the right to bear blasters until he came along.”

McConnell drew comparisons between Bespin and Tatooine, the latter of which never fell under imperial control. “Bespin had strict blaster-control laws and it took the Empire all of five minutes to seize power there. You think they’d try that on Tatooine? You want to take over that planet, you’d better bring a Death Star.”

Controversial Republican Senate candidate Rand Paul, who hopes to ride a wave of voter discontent into the November midterm elections, told supporters at a rally last night, “Real Americans don’t care about the political mumbo jumbo behind the Clone Wars. We know the simple truth: Those with a different skin color should never be allowed to lead others.”

He later added, “I meant because Yoda’s skin is green. Earthier tones are all right. Theoretically.”

President Obama, leaving the White House by helicopter this morning, dodged reporters’ requests for a response to Paul’s comments. Before boarding the aircraft, however, he raised an eyebrow and offered a noncommittal, “Fascinating.”

In what may be a first for Washington DC politics, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi will be joined later today by every elected woman in both houses of Congress for a bipartisan press conference on the steps of the Capitol Building. Rather than deliver a demand for Steele’s resignation, the diverse group of Republican and Democratic women is expected to issue a joint question asking, “What the hell are you guys talking about?”

News Round-up: The last person who didn’t read this was eaten by sharks!

People Magazine: North Korea Edition names Kim Jong Il “Sexist Man Alive”

 

PYONGYANG – People: North Korea has once again named Kim Jong Il the Sexist Man Alive. It’s the 16^th consecutive year the diminutive dictator has won the honor.

Said People’s North Korean editor Shim Lee Park, “The brave and noble citizens of the People’s Republic have spoken from their hearts by making this unanimous choice.”

Kim garnered 100% of the vote in the small East Asian nation, with all 27 million citizens having participated in the online poll, despite many lacking internet connection.

“It just shows you how devoted and unified the loyal citizens of the People’s Republic are in the face of threats from all the wicked and evil enemies bent on our destruction,” said Shim.

The magazine also named Kim Jong Il “the most glorious, perfect, unerring, godlike, yet humble leader in the world” and owner of the “most phat hairstyle.”

Suspense is already building over who will win next year’s poll.

Several new species of black, shiny fish discovered in Gulf of Mexico

            NEW ORLEANS – Scientists from the University of Louisiana were stunned this week to find a number of previously unknown fish species existing so close to America’s shores. Strangely, the discovery was made not by marine biologists but by engineers from BP, an oil company conducting a series of bizarre experiments on the sea floor in the Gulf of Mexico.

“These animals are very similar to species we already know,” said university researcher Herbert West, “but with strange mutations. I guess those futile, comically inept science experiments BP was conducting were good for something.”

BP has come under scrutiny on recent weeks for wasting time putting a bunch of bendy things, giant boxes, and hoses in the subtropical gulf waters instead of looking for oil.

Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin came to the company’s defense yesterday, claiming, “The discovery of new species and plants are just one of the many benefits of offshore drilling.”

Scientists believe these are the first fish that can lower your cholesterol and keep your engine running smoothly.

Rand Paul opposes slavery, pretty much

FRANKFORT, KY – Kentucky’s GOP senate hopeful Rand Paul said in a TV interview yesterday he thought slavery was generally not good, for the most part.

“Of course I oppose slavery as a concept,” Paul told MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow. “But I also support the right of individuals to spend their money as they see fit.”

When asked by Maddow if that meant he thought rich, white men should be able to buy people, Paul held his palms out and said, “Well…”

The former eye doctor has gone on record recently saying he supports the Civil Rights Act of 1964 in an abstract sense but doesn’t think it should be enforced. In a CNN interview last month, he said burning people at the stake for being gay is “a little too harsh,” preferring a less painful method of execution.

Paul hopes to win Kentucky’s vacant Senate seat in the midterm elections this November.