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Posts Tagged ‘Pope Benedict’

New Lady Gaga song offends Catholics, people with ears

Posted by oldancestor on April 18, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

Not even people with weird hats like Lady Gaga's new song, "Judas."

LOS ANGELES – Pop star Lady Gaga took a short break from her 2011 Plastic-Outfit-A-Day challenge to release a new single entitled Judas, a provocative religion-themed song that has Catholics everywhere incensed. To add to the controversy, Gaga has recently been performing the song dressed as biblical figure Mary Magdalene, specifically from the period that Magdalene was said to have worn a cellophane dress with tape over her nipples, a thong, and a nun’s headgear (John 3:16).

 An irate catholic identifying himself as Pope Benedict released a statement today that read, in part, “This song is a clear affront to all people of spiritual belief, though I haven’t heard it. I demand that the harlot’s record label immediately withdraw the song from radio stations, retail stores, and internet music sites. Blah, blah, so on and so forth. Did you get all that? Type up a nice ending for me. Was I supposed to say ‘stop’ before?”

In addition to being a pop singer and prolific recycler, Gaga, whose real name is Didn’tMadonnaDoThisTwentyYearsAgo,ButBetter, is also a renowned theologian who believes the story of Judas Iscariot is underrepresented in the world of disposable bubble-gum pop music.

“Like me,” Gaga said recently while serving as a panel member at Oxford University’s post-graduate theological conference, “Judas is persecuted, rightly or wrongly. Did he lead the Nazis to Jesus? Did he not? Am I typical of egotistical celebrities who equate photographers taking my picture with martyrdom? Or not?”

Catholics may be offended by the song, but it’s hard to argue that Gaga doesn’t know her new testament intimately, based on this lyric sample:

Hey Judas, why did you do dis?

You sold your boss out for some coins

I’d like to kick you in the groins

Da Vinci depicted you wit’ paint

But that don’t make you a saint!

Break it down. Hey!

 

Even in the secular world, Gaga’s newest single is causing a stir.

‘People With Ears,’ a loose affiliation of Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, Tea Party members, and Greens, has launched a new campaign called Make it Stop!, with the stated goal of eradicating all music that could be mistaken for the theme song to a Nickelodeon ‘tween comedy.

Says the group’s founder, Pinky Middleton of Cleveland Ohio, “That Lady Gaga song sounds like someone from iCarly got drunk after Sunday school and decided to record a song about it.”

Researchers from Princeton University who track people’s reactions to Lady Gaga songs initially claimed that the only people not offended by the single were deaf atheists. They later retracted the statement when it was learned that an organization of deaf atheists called ‘Imaginary Gods Don’t Hear Prayers, And Neither Can I’ had come forward to report that they, too, didn’t like it.

“Whenever I feel the vibrations of a speaker playing that song, I’m outta there,” signed the organization’s president, Topaz Xu.

In unrelated news, Lady Gaga’s music label, Toothache Records, announced a joint marketing effort with the PR firm, Vatican City Promotions, to generate free publicity.

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Hello, Anvil readers. Be sure to stop by Pure film Creative to read my latest column, Rock Saved the Queen. Just in time to insult our newest friend, Alannah Murphy, I tell all about what horrid, ghastly, wicked people the British are!

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Today’s wonderful image created by Sandra Tarsitano

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Posted in Entertainment News | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 30 Comments »

Even more SHOCKING news stories of 2011!

Posted by oldancestor on April 7, 2011

Warning: Only read this article if you are wearing rubber gloves and are not standing in water

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Government Shot Down!   

By Eric J Baker

WASHINGTON DC – The Obama Administration’s experiment with aerial government appears to have ended in dismal failure as the Capitol Building – recently outfitted with wings and jet engines – was shot down today by members of Muammar Gaddafi’s Super-Sexy All-Female Commando Strike Team. No one was killed in the attack, though House Speaker John Boehner’s hair was mussed.

News of the surface-to-air missile strike resulted in spontaneous partying all across the United States, while political activists immediately set about to replace the injured politicians with candidates who are at least as bad, if not worse.

In an embarrassing side note, some media outlets mistakenly read the initial news report as a “government shutdown,” leading several reporters to write long, boring articles about budgets and spending that no one wants to read.

Those reporters are said to have been sacked.

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Pope Bitten by Werewolf on the Set of New Twilight Film

by Lacy Thundercake

Pope Benedict escaped from his hospital room just after this story was written

VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict was injured on the set of the upcoming film Twilight: Sunspot, currently in production, when he got too close to one of the werewolves featured in the story. The movie is being filmed on location in Rome, and the pontiff was on hand as an extra.

“People need to understand that werewolves are not dogs,” says animal trainer Pinky Middleton, not associated with the production. “They’re wild animals and should be treated as such.”

In the film, actor Taylor Lautner’s character, Jacob Black, finally ascends to the papacy while his rival, Edward Cullen (Robert Pattison), is forced to turn tricks on the street so he can raise money to buy a huge engagement ring for that bitch, Bella (Kristen Stewart).

The werewolf that bit Pope Benedict was Lautner’s stunt beast. Attempts to put the animal down were unsuccessful when animal control officers could not locate a silver bullet.

From his hospital bed at Our Lady of the Grilled Cheese Miracle in Vatican City, the Pope told reporters he doesn’t blame the wolf and that he hopes “footage of the attack goes viral on YouTube.”

Pope Benedict is said to be a fan of the Twilight books and films, though he cites 1981’s The Howling as his favorite werewolf movie of all time.

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Billy Joel Stabbed by Crazed Fan

by Lacy Thundercake

NEW YORK – Pop singer and songwriter Billy Joel was attacked yesterday by a knife-wielding woman police identify as Brenda Rinetti, 59, of Hoboken, NJ. Joel was stabbed in the left foot and later taken to a local hospital, where he was listed in stable condition.

Ms. Rinetti’s lawyer told reporters today that she is not a crazed fan but, rather, a victim who was defending her honor.

“Mr. Joel, in his lyrics for the song ‘Scenes from an Italian Restaurant,’ deliberately identified my client by name, which we view as libel,” said her lawyer. “She has put up with this since the 1970s, but no more. We intend to seek damages.”

When informed that Joel was, in fact, singing, “Brenda and Eddie,” but slurring the words together, Ms. Rinetti’s lawyer said, “Really?”

From his hospital bed next to the Pope, Joel told reporters he was relieved the injury was to his left foot. “My right foot is my piano playing foot,” he said.

Aside from writing a few minor hit songs, Joel is probably best known for raising awareness of the Billy Joel-Christie Brinkley Syndrome, a debilitating disease that causes tall, beautiful models to become romantically involved with short, unattractive musicians. Despite the millions of dollars spent every year on medical research, no cure exists, thankfully.

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(Today’s image by Sandra Tarsitano) 

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments »

Pope performs exorcism on Charlie Sheen

Posted by oldancestor on March 11, 2011

Demon Rick James sent back to Hell

By Lacy Thundercake       

Performing exorcism: Almost as dangerous as driving taxi

LOS ANGELES – Pope Benedict made a rare appearance in Los Angeles yesterday to perform an exorcism on actor Charlie Sheen, who was believed to have been possessed by the evil spirit of late soul singer Rick James. The ceremony, which lasted four hours and was shown live on E! and MTV, began with an agitated Sheen urinating on the floor, which surprised no one. It ended with the Pontiff requesting the apparently cured actors autograph for his niece.

Sheens recent bizarre behavior – which included naked tirades, prostitute abuse, and calling TV producers who pay him millions of dollars to make snarky comments for a half hour a week clowns – was sufficient evidence for entertainment scientists to declare him possessed.  

Plus, his head was spinning and he was, like, singing, superfreak, superfreak,’” says Brandi Sparkleshadow, science consultant for the celebrity gossip web site TMZ. Or so I heard.

Pope Benedict, a catholic, arrived at LAX yesterday morning aboard the papal jet Gabriel One and met privately – and simultaneously -with both Sheen and the demon. Legendary boxing referee Mills Lane was also present to lay ground rules for the exorcism and, in the words of one eyewitness, to add an air of solemnity to the proceedings.

During the bout, Benedict chanted bible verses in Latin, a language the demon of Rick James did not appear to understand. The Pontiff was forced to conduct the remainder of the session in English, an archaic version of Jive. Later, referee Lane deducted a point from James for projectile vomiting, a form of demon counterattack that was outlawed in the 1970s.

Scientists are not sure how Rick James became a demon, but some Catholics believe that, when he passed away in 2004, his body transubstantiated into Pure Funk, leaving his cocaine-addled spirit free to possess the souls of celebrities such as Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and former vice presidential candidate John Edwards.

Others believe thats b*llsh*t.

Yesterdays exorcism ended on a quiet note when the Pope shook a wet microphone at Sheen, whose body went limp. The demon spirit of Rick James quickly boarded a funkadelic starship piloted by George Clinton, which blasted off before authorities could apprehend him.

According to eyewitnesses, a groggy Sheen later said, Wow, the last thing I remember was winning critical praise for Platoon.

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The Anvil extends sympathy to the victims and survivors of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan and hopes for the best as the people there begin to put their lives back together. We share one world. – OA

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Posted in Entertainment News | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 25 Comments »