THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘pagan’

World’s oldest blog turns 250

Posted by oldancestor on April 15, 2011

Editor’s note: Today we’re taking a short break from hard-hitting investigative journalism to celebrate a very special anniversary here at The Anvil. We promise a prompt return to our usual unpleasantness in a day or two.

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The Anvil's first head writer, George Washington. He was also a U.S. President.

NEW JERSEY – The world’s OB (original blog), The Anvil, turns 250 years old this weekend, a span of time that saw vast improvements in broadband speed as well as the death of Bub, the world’s oldest tortoise. Regretfully, the first 249 years of Anvil archives are lost due to a combination of the British burning our offices during the War of 1812, numerous FBI subpoenas, and server errors.

Our first article appeared on April 16, 1761 and was written by original head writer George Washington. Judging from the title, King George III forgets to powder his wig!, it is clear that Washington’s sense of humor has not aged well, though he was reputed to have been quite a cut-up around the office, often making jokes about our then-lousy dental plan.

Washington surprisingly went on to become a military hero, which is unusual for someone with wooden teeth. He was also allegedly a U.S. president.

Some of our most popular articles from the lost age:

1793 – “Marie Antoinette ‘heads off’ on permanent vacation in Basketville”

1793 – “Eli Whitney invents cotton gin; next 220 years of 5th graders don’t care”

1838 – “Andrew Jackson wins ‘Get your face on the twenty’ contest by killing the most Indians”

1859 – “Darwin continues rhyming-title scheme with sequel to Origin of Feces

1867 – “Alfred Nobel invents dynamite, awards himself first Disturbing the Peace prize”

1903 – “Wright Brothers take first flight in North Carolina; luggage ends up in Iowa”

1914 – “Germans, sick of composing great classical music, decide to invade counties from now on”

1930 – “Inspired by ‘Hoover sucks!’ taunts, President invents vacuum cleaner”

1953 – “DNA discovered; Chimps embarrassed that humans are closest relative”

1967 – “Roman pagans sue NASA to stop calling rocket ‘Saturn’ V; ‘It’s offensive.’”

1969 – “Greek pagans sue NASA to stop calling mission ‘Apollo’ 11; ‘It’s offensive’”

1974 – “Norse pagans sue NASA to stop calling Mars Landers ‘Viking’ 1& 2; ‘It’s offensive’”

1988 – “Christian pagans sue NASA to stop calling its deep space probe ‘Jesus’ 3000; ‘It’s offensive’”

2003 – “Atheist pagans sue NASA to stop calling its interstellar cruiser             . ‘It’s offensive’”

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While The Anvil has been around since 1761, it has only been on WordPress for a year, making this our first Bloggiversary. Or is it one “g”? If you are interested in the correct spelling, check in with our expert and friend Paula, who just had a birthday and is now officially the world’s oldest blogger at age 104. Approach her slowly so you don’t startle her, though.

Thanks to everyone who has stopped by over the past year. The light is always on and the door is unlocked…

For the curious, our 3 most popular stories as of the posting date above:

  1. The Most Shocking News stories of 2011 view here
  2. Zeus destroys giant Jesus statue with lightning bolt view here
  3. Disaster at Glenn Beck rally: Too much Kool-Aid, not enough cyanide view here

And the three least popular stories (show some love, would ya?):

  1. New trend in animal fashion: Oil Chic view here
  2. UN alarmed over violence in Afghanistan: “It’s like a war or something.” view here
  3. News round-up: This week’s top stories make last week’s top stories look like complete crap! view here

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Thanks to Sandra Tarsitano for supplying today’s image

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Posted in Media | Tagged: , , , , , , | 30 Comments »

The 5 most popular blogs on WordPress

Posted by oldancestor on March 22, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

Today's caption is free of typos AND stoicism.

Who among us doesn’t dream of becoming a blogging star? To have so many millions of adoring readers everyday that your stats page crashes? To be able to quit your job writing arts and entertainment tripe for a stupid internet news journal with a soulless monster for a boss?

[Just get on with it, will you? – ed.]

WordPress is the ideal choice for many blog-stars-in-the-making. As one of the most popular blog hosting sites, and certainly the oldest (it was invented in 1440 and originally known as PrintingPress), WordPress gives you access to millions of other people who also want to be famous bloggers. Maybe yours will be so good that everyone else quits blogging because their spirits are crushed beyond recognition. You can always hope.

So what does it take to make your dream come true? Check out the five most visited WordPress blogs below for some tips.

1. Turning Food into Poop

 Doctor William Rubin

Dr. Rubin, who lost his medical license for implanting leopard gizzards into humans to aid the digestion of red meat, has made lemons into… er, lemonade.  His blog on digestive processes informs readers of what to expect a few hours after they eat something, and he gets about 70,000 clicks per day.

“I receive all kinds of comments from terrified people who think alien creatures are escaping from their bodies,” he says. “How can you be 37 years-old and not know?”

His advice for bloggers trying to make it big?

“Overeat.”

Oh, doc! Did you have to?

2. Zeus is Love

whatwouldherculesdo

“You can’t just say you’re a Pagan. You have to live as one.”

So says the blogger who spreads the word of Zeus to 90,000 people a day throughout the blogosphere. Most posts on Zeus is Love, America’s most popular religious blog, are discussions about scripture passages from the Pagan holy book, More Gods than You Can Shake a Stick at.

“One of my favorite quotes comes from the Book of Perseus, Act 2, verse 28,” says whatwouldherculesdo. “It’s when Zeus is trying to seduce Perseus’ mother, and he says, ‘Yeah, baby!’ That’s 2800 years before Austin Powers said it. Explain that, doubters!”

Other oft-quoted passages from the Pagan holy book include “Lock up your wives and daughters. Zeus is coming and he’s got that look in his eye!” and, from the Book of Heracles, “You want me to shovel what? I’m half god, you asshat.”

3. Tastes like Chicken: Cannibal Cuisine

David Word

Some readers may be surprised that a blog featuring recipes for human flesh is so popular, until one realizes that 40,000 of 50,000 daily clicks come from uncharted regions of the Amazon jungle. Still, that’s quite a few clicks from the so-called civilized world as well.

“Part of my success comes from having just really good recipes for human meat,” Word explains. “And the other part is because I’m sleeping with the owner.”

Indeed, David’s last name is one half of WordPress. His wife, Sarah Press, is the majority shareholder.

“I’m on Freshly Pressed once a week,” he says. “And you’re not.”

4. Piranha Total Care

Bristol Palin

Pet care blogs have been popular since technology has allowed the inner narcissist in all of us a chance to shine online. Piranha Total Care, which began as one of the most obscure, is now the number one pet-themed blog on the internet.

However, many cultural experts attribute the rise in popularity of meat-eating fish web sites to the complete of absence or dogs and cats in the country since President Palin ordered them rounded up and shipped to Australia.

Who can forget the President’s State of the Union address last year, when she said, “I know your pets are looking at me! My eyes might be closed, but I can FEEL THEM LOOKING AT ME.”

We here at The Anvil fully support President Palin’s efforts to ban furry pets from our shores, and we also support her government takeover of the media and the summary executions that followed. All hail President Palin. All hail President Palin.

5. Alternate Writing

JaNeT pLaNeT

There is no shortage of writing blogs on the internet dispensing tips and advice on improving prose, empowering poetry, and peeing other P-writing words. Perhaps there are too many such blogs, one blending into another and becoming so redundant that the weary wordsmith wonders, “When will one winner wipe away WordPress’ wordy wasteland?”

[Please stop – ed.]

We have that winner, folks. It’s JaNeT pLaNeT from Alternate Writing. JaNeT does not profess to know anything about writing, which she says is the key to her success.

“Look, I wouldn’t know a haiku from a hole in your face,” she says. “That’s what makes me so accessible. That and my alternate writing style. Did I mention you were ugly?”

Her alternate writing style involves nothing more than alternating upper and lower case letters. A recent blog post was called, “yOu’Ll NeVeR gEt PuBlIsHeD, bEcAuSe, WeLl, YoU sUcK.”

“It took me a while to learn how to type like this, but I don’t care,” she explains, “because people are stupid jerks and I hope they all die.”

In addition to being a successful blogger, JaNeT is a certified insult therapist and part-time dominatrix.

Her advice to struggling bloggers is, “Quit. No one wants to read your worthless drivel.”

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Legal disclaimer: The Anvil apologizes for not providing links to any of these popular blogs, but astrophysicists at Princeton University tell us that posting links into alternate realities can cause a tear in the time-space continuum that results in the instantaneous return of every lost sock since the advent of the clothes dryer.

Posted in Arts | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 27 Comments »

Zeus destroys giant Jesus statue with lightning bolt

Posted by oldancestor on June 16, 2010

“Enough with the idolatry!”

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Like millions of others, the Kraken has a hard time finding work these days. "The Gods must not be angry," it says.

MOUNT OLYMPUS – The king of the gods threw a temper tantrum yesterday, followed by a lightning bolt, striking a 62-foot-tall Jesus statue standing outside the Solid Rock church in Monroe, Ohio. The popular tourist attraction was destroyed.

Zeus was later quoted as saying, “I’ve been patiently overlooking these false idols for almost 1800 years, but come on. 62 feet high? That’s almost as tall as me.”

Indeed, the once-vengeful deity seldom targets statues of the popular biblical character and leaves most plastic dashboard figurines alone. In recent centuries, it seems the gods of Mount Olympus have taken a “live and let live” philosophy toward the foibles of earthbound mortals, in contrast with an earlier, more violent era, when whole cities often felt their wrath. The Kraken, the Titan of Mass Destruction most frequently deployed in the past, has not seen since action it was called upon to sink the ocean liner Titanic almost 100 years ago. In all likelihood, then, yesterday’s attack was an isolated incident.

Still, many Christians find themselves on edge since Solid Rock Church’s Jesus met its fiery demise.

“I hope they keep the statues in the basement until this whole thing blows over,” says Petralova Marquand, a congregant at Our Lady of the Pagan Resistance in Tampa, Florida. “I don’t want to get caught in the crossfire.”

Farzad Rahmadi, a Muslim from West Virginia, laughs about the statue’s destruction. “Now do you understand why we forbid likenesses of the prophet?”

But if Zeus was offended by the exaggerated proportions of the Monroe, Ohio Jesus, how does one explain the continued existence of the Christ the Redeemer statue standing atop Brazil’s Mount Corcovado, which overlooks Rio de Janeiro? At 130 feet high, it would have towered over the Ohio figure if the two were placed side by side.

Most theologians speculate the king of the gods, like all heterosexual men, has a fondness for Brazilian women, often appearing as a cloud of mist or falling star to seduce them.

“Destroying iconic statues with lightning bolts is not seen as conducive to romance,” says Johnny Acropolis, a pagan priest. “Once the mood has been wrecked, not even a god can get a woman to change her mind.”

Others believe the Rio Jesus bears an uncanny resemblance to Zeus’ favorite cousin, Roger, and, for that reason, he is loath to deliver iconoclastic justice.

What does the god himself say?

“Eh, I figured you were all sick of hearing about the oil spill and needed a laugh.”

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , | 8 Comments »

Free oil a gift from the ocean gods

Posted by oldancestor on May 1, 2010

ENERGY INDEPENDENCE AT LAST!

 

By Eric J Baker

 

GULF OF MEXICO – The Gods are angry at OPEC.

What else can explain the sudden appearance of free oil in the Gulf of Mexico? Thousands of gallons of “black gold” have been bubbling up from the depths for days and, in a further boon to America’s budding energy independence, it is likely to deliver itself right to our shores.

The influx of oil should not only save Americans money at the pump this summer, but, as tax payers, we will all benefit from government cutbacks in now-unnecessary offshore drilling programs.

Economists predict thousands of jobs are likely to be created, given the current shortage of professional bird washers. Manufacturers of sea-animal scrubbing kits are already upping production and anticipate a profitable second quarter.

The Obama administration took these events as a sign America is on the right track. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters yesterday, “Thanks to the President’s temple-building and statue-carving initiatives, not only are more Americans back at work, but the sea gods are happy, obviously.”

President Obama is now expected to focus on appeasing the sun gods. A successful effort there should help jump start the administration’s oft-delayed solar-energy program. 

For once, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin was supportive of the President. She has long been a proponent of bizarre, cultish rituals.

“Kill, baby kill!” Palin told cheering supporters at an animal-sacrifice event today. The best-selling author opened festivities by cutting the throat of an ox to show those present that we all share responsibility in civic affairs.

Despite the apparent windfall, some Americans are sounding a warning siren.

“This sets the country down a potentially dangerous path,” says Pinky Middleton, spokesperson for Americans United, an organization that advocates the separation of church and state. “When you suck up to one god, you run the risk of pissing off another.”

“C’ maaahn,” responds Bill O’Reilly, host of the popular TV show The O’Reilly Factor on Fox News. “The guy’s a pinhead.”

O’Reilly adds, “If what [Middleton] said were true, why are the snow gods giving us free giant ice-cubes? It looks like some of them are trying to appease us.”

It is believed he was referring to the breaking up of polar ice caps, which has freed huge chunks of frozen freshwater long imprisoned in the arctic and well beyond the reach of ordinary iced-tea drinkers. Until now.

With the oil supply in the Gulf of Mexico now rivaling that of the Persian Gulf, residents near the world’s other, less popular gulfs are scrambling to win heavenly favor by sacrificing first-born children and burning giant wicker men. In extreme cases, some are even searching for less-crappy gods. Books on Greek and Roman mythology are flying off the shelves at Gulf of Thailand bookstores, and India’s Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has gone so far as to propose renaming the Bay of Bengal the Gulf of Bengal.

“We have the gods,” a confident Singh told reporters in Mumbai yesterday. “We just need the gulf.”

For now, the Obama administration is not concerned with any of that, as they face a graver threat at home: A sea-faring terrorist organization calling itself “The Coast Guard” has threatened to set the oil on fire if their demands for knee socks aren’t met.

The president has suggested a compromise, granting temporary, limited amnesty that allows the white-clad pirates ashore to shop for socks at Wal-Mart.

Posted in Science | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

Radical Pagans threaten Clash of the Titans filmmakers

Posted by oldancestor on April 23, 2010

ARE PAGANS DRINKING TOO MUCH ZEUS JUICE?

 

By Eric J Baker

 

ATHENS – A radical Pagan group calling itself The Twelve Labors posted a warning on its website yesterday for Warner Brothers Studios and the filmmakers behind the current box office hit, Clash of the Titans.

According to the site, Pagans are offended at the depiction of the underworld god Hades in the film, who is shown to be violent and vindictive.

“Hades is not Satan,” says the website in an open-letter format to Warner Brothers. “He’s an unhappily married god with the [expletive deleted] job of managing the underworld. He’s sort of a sitcom character.”

A photo on the website shows the ruins of an ancient Greek temple over a caption that reads, “This will be you!”

Malcolm Jamal-Warner and Dr. Joyce Brothers, co-founders of Warner Brothers Studios, issued a joint response that was anything but contrite:

“We made a Greek mythology movie. And we wish to go on making Greek mythology movies until your heads spin and you seethe with such fury that your hearts explode and your souls whither, but not before you suffer the torment of ten-thousand screaming deaths.”

Two Clash sequels are already in the works, Another Clash of the Titans and Harold and Kumar go to Sparta.

“We don’t like the word ‘mythology,’” says mainstream Pagan Pinky Middleton of Charon’s Crossing, Iowa. “But other than that, people need to chill. I think these radicals are a bit, you know, radical.”

Middleton is one of many Roman Pagans who are generally viewed as more tolerant than their Greek counterparts. Rather than issue a death threat when offended, Romans traditionally demand the offending party go to the ends of the Earth to find and retrieve a golden ram’s fleece. This practice has largely fallen by the wayside in recent years, as golden rams are endangered and would-be hunters risk a poaching conviction, which can carry a fine of $100,000 dollars and five years in prison.

“The gods are angry,” counters television personality, talent extraordinaire, and radical Greek Pagan Paula Abdul. “Release the Kraken!”

A call to Mount Olympus seeking information about Krakens was not returned.

This latest incident follows a string of recent religious controversies, including radical Muslims threatening South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone earlier this week, radical Christians threatening Jews during the Spanish Inquisition, and radical atheists threatening courthouse plaques.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , | 4 Comments »