THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘Martians’

Valentine’s Day Horror!

Posted by oldancestor on February 15, 2011

Valentine’s Day is thought by many to be a day of tragedy and terror, and this February 14th was no different. The Anvil has scoured the Earth (and beyond) to find the most heinous events and dreadful happenings this dark day could throw at us in 2011. But we decided to print these stories instead:

Busted!

Jason Voorhees arrested for shoplifting

CRYSTAL LAKE, NJ – It took a mall security guard to do what has eluded police and FBI agents for 30 years: Capture the world’s most notorious serial killer, Jason Voorhees.

Voorhees, 61, was apprehended at Jenny’s Hallmark at the Crystal Lake Commons in northern New Jersey on Monday after mall security guard Carlos McGillicuddy witnessed the hockey-mask-wearing murderer shove a roll of wrapping paper and a box of candy hearts down the front of his pants.

“I saw this big guy in a mask looking around and acting nervous,” says McGillicuddy. “He just seemed suspicious, so I nabbed him.”

It was only after police came that the security guard realized he had captured the psychopath responsible for the deaths of over 412 horny camp counselors since 1981.

Officers later found Voorhees’ cabin in the nearby woods, where they discovered numerous items stolen from stores at the mall. Many of the pilfered products appeared to be several years old.

“We know that the suspect [Voorhees] kills teenagers every time the 13th of the month fall on a Friday,” Crystal Lake Police Chief Steve Miner told reporters yesterday. “Now we realize that, every time the 14th of the month falls on a Monday, he steals something from the mall.”

He also said, “Who knows what horrors the other days hold.”

A hero’s parade in honor of the mall security guard was cancelled when authorities learned that he had not waited for Voorhees to exit the Hallmark store before apprehending him. Voorhees was later released on his own recognizance.

“I know it’s tough to swallow,” said Police Chief Miner, “But the guard should have waited for the guy to exit the store. In the eyes of the law, nothing was stolen.”

 * * *

Valentine’s day sales flat on Mars

OLYMPUS MONS, MARS – Despite a slowly rebounding economy here on Earth, retail sales for the Valentine’s Day holiday on the red planet were sluggish, as they have been for years.

“Man, I’m sitting on a huge inventory of heart-shaped boxes of chocolate,” says Santa Claus, manager at a local Target store. “I can’t figure out why no one wants ‘em. Everybody loves candy.”

His sentiments were echoed by flower-shop proprietor Pinky Middleton.

“I can’t get rid of these roses,” he says. “People bought up all the yellow ones, but the petals are falling off these red ones.”

A retail item’s popularity on Earth does not always translate into sales on our neighboring world. Popular-on-Earth cereal Lucky Charms expires on Martian store shelves while Cheerios and Rice Krispies fly out the door. Ditto for Coca-cola, one of best selling beverages on our world. On Mars, Pepsi and Mountain Dew rule. Other sluggish sellers include  Frank’s Red Hot, Red bell peppers, and gift cards to Red Lobster.

“I’m looking for a common denominator,” laments Claus. “But I can’t. It’s like Martians want nothing to do with these items.”

 * * *

Fake News blogger forced by wife to post Valentine’s Day story a day late

CYBERIA – A fake news blogger – who was unwilling to give his name – says that he would have posted his Valentine’s Day-themed blog on Valentine’s Day if he were single, but, as a married man, there was no way in hell it was going to happen.

“Ideally, you want to post your blog when your subject is most topical,” he says. “Particularly for holidays. But wives aren’t too keen on spending Valentine’s Day watching free on-demand TV while their fake-news blogging husbands peck away on the computer in the desperate hope that somebody will find something, anything he wrote at least slightly funny.”

Indeed. A Valentine’s Day blog posted on February 15th is about as useful as a pecker on a pope, bogging experts believe. Which forces the question, why not write the blog ahead of time and post it on the correct day, since it’s completely made up anyway?

In response our inquiry, the unnamed blogger was only willing to say, “Uh…”

Posted in World News | Tagged: , , , , | 14 Comments »

New controvery over NASA’s canceled Mars trip

Posted by oldancestor on April 19, 2010

NASA BUDGET CUTS WILL FORCE MARTIANS TO COME HERE INSTEAD

 

By Eric J Baker

 

HOUSTON – The Obama administration’s recently announced plan to cancel NASA’s return-to-Mars program has put the once-proud space agency in an embarrassing position. Just three years after then-President George W. Bush promised, with great fanfare, that America would land on Mars within a few decades, NASA officials were forced to contact their Martian counterparts and request they land here instead.

“I’m red-faced,” said NASA’s red-faced program director, Jett Rockett. “I sincerely hope the President will reconsider his plan.”

Speaking through a universal translator, Martian Supreme Leader Brian Highwycomb-Miller offered a terse response. “I see red-faced cliffs, mountains, and rocks everyday. Now I have to foot the bill for a four-month trip to Earth to see red-faced humans? Is that what abject humiliation looks like on your planet? Cuz it should.”

He later added, “I feel like I’ve been asked on a date only to discover I’m expected to pay for both dinner and the movie.”

On Mars, women traditionally pay for dinner.

The diplomatic snag is unlikely to improve already tense relations between the two planets. Many Americans still haven’t forgiven the Martians for their attempted invasion of October, 1938, often referred to in popular literature as “the Red Scare,” which began in Grover’s Mill, New Jersey and soon spread across the continent. The attack failed when Martian soldiers became sickened by an airborne virus, leading the Martian military to accuse Earth of engaging in germ warfare, a claim the US government denies to this day.

In the 1970s, controversy erupted anew when NASA’s Mars-exploration spacecraft, known as the Viking Lander, crashed into a Martian residence, killing two.

More recently, NASA’s twin Mars rovers, Spirit and Opportunity, were arrested and held in a Martian jail for two weeks on charges of spying. They were released only after civil rights activist and former presidential candidate Reverend Jesse Jackson was able to negotiate a deal with the Martian Defense Ministry.

While this latest incident plays out between the White House, NASA, and Martian dignitaries, average Americans offer differing opinions.

“Jobs,” says Lu Chaching, a part-time retail cashier. “It’s hard enough to get full-time work with illegal immigrants taking all the jobs, and now the Martians are coming. With their four arms, they can run a register, bag products, and swipe credit cards at the same time. I’ll be out of work.”

Dianne Horseface, a regular customer of Chaching’s, was more welcoming of the news. “Who the hell wants to go to Mars?” she asked. “I mean really. It’s a bunch of friggin’ rocks.”

Angry, irrational ranter Pinky Middleton, speaking all in caps, said, “IT’S JUST ONE MORE PIECE OF OBAMA’S SOCIALIST AGENDA!!!!!!!! YOU IDIOTS!!!!!”

Though none would speak on record, some NASA employees and White House staffers believe Obama’s cancellation of the Mars program is meant to free up money for a return to Venus, which is much closer to Earth than the red planet, and, considering fuel prices, far less expensive to visit. The President may be courting controversy by doing so, however, as Venusians contributed heavily to his 2008 election campaign. Critics could accuse him of using his executive authority to pay back political favors.

Posted in Science | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »